Worrying about nothing?

[patienceisvirtuous]

I'm a regular but have name-changed for this because it is quite personal.

In short, I recently met a guy I really like :) He's funny, kind, considerate, ...hot :) We have spent 6 evenings together so far - each one resulting in us spending the night together (and sometimes the following day) including night one (I met him on a night out) where it got a bit hot and steamy but didn't result in DTD.

Since then though, we've done the traditional dates, cinema, dinner, etc but we haven't slept together yet.

I know he is 'up for it' so to speak because we sleep close and I can feel that he is . He is very affectionate - hugs, nice kisses etc, but he hasn't tried it on yet.

He does seem to really like me though and tells me he does. He was on holiday over Christmas and text/called me to say he was missing me and thinking about me. He is very sweet but not remotely overbearing.

I can't work out whether, he is a) shy/lacks confidence, b) is being a gentleman/taking things slowly, c) doesn't want to do it, d) can't do it?!

Any advice on how to proceed?! Should I just continue as things are, stop worrying (I'm prone to over thinking stuff even though I try not to!) and see what happens. Should I try to initiate things (caveat - I came out of a bad relationship about 5 months ago and although I manage to hide my lack of confidence quite well, I feel pretty shy about doing this) with the help of some dutch courage. Should I try to talk to him about it? I don't want us to drift into no man's land :-|

It may be worth mentioning, he is late twenties, I am mid-thirties...

Just to clarify, you haven't had sex at all, or have you done it once? I've confused myself.

Does he know you were in a bad relationship? It sounds to me like he is waiting for you to make a move as he doesn't want to push you.

I'm glad your in a nice relationship now. Try not to over think things to much, it is also my downfall

No we haven't had sex at all - we just did some other stuff on the first night after lots of alcohol . Since then we have gone down the more traditional route of civilised dates :o but have still spent each night together - with lots of affection, but no sex.

Thanks by the way :) I probably am over thinking stuff.

He knows I was in a bad relationship, but it wasn't abusive as such, my XDP was cheating on me.

You mean you share a bed, snog lots but it doesn't lead to sex? Sounds to me as though he's waiting for you to say 'it's OK'. Put the poor man out his misery... he must have bollocks the size of Sweden by now.

:o Cogito

Yes I mean that, but not loads of snogging; some though. Lots of cuddles and little kisses and talking.

Maybe he is waiting for the go-ahead.

I haven't really encountered this before :/

There's so much talked about 'consent' these days that I'm sure some people are going to take it 100% literally rather than take a risk. Not very romantic to have to spell it out but that's probably what you have to do and then judge by his reaction.

I think he is waiting for a clear signal. Straddle him, that usual gets the message across.

Cogito just spat my coffee out

Ok, I'll try that :/

:)

Of course you'll have to come back with a progress report

He's not a virgin is he? Just check before you release the space-hoppers...

No he's not a virgin... :) I don't think he's particularly experienced though

I will come back to update you; god knows when though!?

I possibly wouldn't use straddling as a FIRST approach myself, but each to their own!

I'd probably go for the old fashioned way of light petting leading to heavier petting, leading to having a grope, then take it from there. From the sound of it you haven't even been at the heavy petting stage apart from that first night when there was plenty of alcohol involved. Ah now there's a thought - get him a bit pissed then grab him?

Not particularly experienced can be A Good Thing in some cases, means they haven't learned any bad habits yet. Of course it means you have to teach them, but you only need to teach them stuff you like .

It sounds like he's not shy to show you he's got an erection so he's probably just waiting for you to make a move. I think that's very sweet. Just grab and see what happens

Yes, you're right Allergic. I have an awful feeling I am going to have to take the lead, when I could really do with him taking that role just for the first couple of times :)

But, because he is a really nice guy, I will try my best to resolve this in the least awkward way possible :o

I don't suppose talking to him about it would be helpful in any way, shape or form?

I could talk to him. I don't want to embarrass him or make a big issue out of it... yet.

Am mulling it over i.e. driving myself mad trying to decide what is the best thing to do.

Why is nothing ever simple? :o

Text him.... 'fancy a shag?'

Annie if he is shy then talking about it could make him feel embarrassed, and if that's the case, he could lose that all important requirement for nookie - the erection! Plus for a first time, that can feel a little cold.

Patience I doubt you'll have to make ALL the running. Most common thing I found was it worked out like an extreme version of flirting. You know the one - A makes a move to push things a step further, B matches it & maybe takes one more step. A matches B's step, and takes the next, taking turns either matching or upping the stakes each move (like betting in a poker game lol).

I certainly wouldn't bring the subject up at the moment if you've only had six 'dates'. When in doubt do nothing and then you'll have nothing to regret that would be my advice. But if you'd been seeing him for a year well it would be a different story.

I think the right amount of alcohol may be a good way forward... :)

I agree with allergic, don't talk about it, just try it on and see if he shirks away - then talk about it if he does.

Ok, I will myself* up to be brave

Oops, I will psyche myself up I meant...

Agree with wasp, next time he nudges you with his hard-on, just grab it and see what happens!! (perhaps we'll hear on the news that Sweden has exploded! Haha Cogito!)

If just whispering "yes please" is going to send him into a droop, he can't have been that keen in the first place But actually, I meant talk to him BEFORE they get to the naked-and-snuggly stage. Starting a full-blown in-depth discussion about one's attitudes to sex would put most people off at that point, fair enough.