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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are we always able to get over heartbreak via romantic telationships?

66 replies

SoleSource · 06/01/2013 23:45

Or do you think there is a limit as to how many.times we can achieve it.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2013 14:54

Why do you feel bad? Does it bother you that she's sad? Really she should respect your decision.

SoleSource · 07/01/2013 14:56

Point scoring. I never told him how I felt. I knew he was using me. At least I kept some of my.dignity. He asked me over and over.to tell him what I.wanted. I asked him what he wanted he said to be here with.you. He didn't mean it be ause of the way he said it. He just wanted me to tell him I lovedhim so he could leave mewith the upper hand. I just wabted him.out of my.house. My srlf esteem eas.very.low before him. I had no friends except one who.constantly put me down.,the otber friend dumped me. She was only with me because.i.was friends with a man she was shagging.

Shitty history

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SoleSource · 07/01/2013 15:01

This is what I.mean Cog. I asked her not to cpbtact me. I needed a break. Felt I easn't geting what I.needed out of it anymore. I put on ten stones in two years. Sometimes I feel.i am her entertai.ment!! I know!!! :(

She said she would redlect my decision but called me, I ignored phone. I neededa break my eating was soo out of control. I had to stop therapy it was that which eas making me worse.

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SoleSource · 07/01/2013 15:01

She sent me cards aski.g me to go vack eyc..

I feel bad lime a naughty child. I shpuld be allowed.to say no.more!!!!!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2013 15:17

You are allowed to say no whenever you like. I'm not sure if it's just ironic or bad practice that a therapist supposedly helping you with your self-esteem is refusing to take no for an answer but trying to hound you into changing your mind. Maybe you should point that out?

SoleSource · 07/01/2013 15:20

Ooooh scary!! I will though!! :)

If I ever see.cocklodger again I want.to tell him.off

What should I say??

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2013 15:29

Is it likely you'll see CL again? IME having a go at people post break-up feels like the right thing to do but often isn't very satisfying. You end up looking like a bit crazy-lady bonkers while they just gaze at their feet, totally unmoved, flattering themselves that 'she's not over me'.

What works for me is to drop all contact and get on with having a nice life but, if I trip over them ever, adopt a 'polite but not bothered' ... 'didn't I used to know you?'... attitude before moving right along.

SoleSource · 07/01/2013 15:39

Yes. I tbink je arranged for my car to be stolen. Long story. He stole my passport too.

Next time I will totally ignore it!!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2013 15:44

If you've been a victim of theft and you have your suspicions, talk to the police. You can't exactly ignore your passport being stolen.

SoleSource · 07/01/2013 15:50

I reported it to.police. Not heard anything. Can't prove anything.

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SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 07/01/2013 16:32

This therapist is acting extremly unprofessionally in trying to guilt you into returning.

Obviously I don't know you, and your MH may be worse than it at first appears to all us internet sprites but if the therapist had genuine professional concern about you not wanting to see her any more, she should still not be ringing you up and pestering you, she should refer you to someone else.

It's OK to change therapists if you encounter one who doesn't fit with you. They're only people, after all, and different patients need different things.

Mind you, something I would advise you: forget about romance and dating for the moment. If you have a history of abusive relationships, then there is something about yourself you need to change before you date again: building your self-esteem, strengthening yourself, examining your past experiences. Because, unfortunately, a vulnerable unhappy woman who has been abused in the past is both off-putting to nice men (ie a nice man who doesn't know you well is likely to decide, not unreasonably, that you have problems he can't fully cope with and he'd rather move on) - and a magnet to abusers. Abusers scent vulnerability and move in on it. YOu need a good year of taking care of yourself (and DC, if you have them) without worrying about men, sex and couplehood. Best of luck.

TheKindnessOfStrangers · 07/01/2013 16:41

Have been reading about the aristocracy in the 18th century and though men could do whatever they liked to women they there was quite a lot of social pressure on them to treat women well, for example, by providing for illegitimate children even though there was no legal requirement whatsoever for them to do so.

SoleSource · 07/01/2013 16:45

Thanks cog. I just have been emotionally abused. No depression or meds etc. Just eadily taken advantage of because ofFatber treating me like shit and having protection from Motber and not knowi.g how to assert myself. Five years no.dating, still not ready. Msybe I could be after.more work on myself.

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TheKindnessOfStrangers · 07/01/2013 16:45

I just don't think it's like that anymore - men don't worry that they're going to lose all their friends if they get a woman up the duff then abandon her or beat a woman up. Look at Chris Brown. He should be a nobody by now but the whole Rihanna thing barely affected him.

TheKindnessOfStrangers · 07/01/2013 16:46

Sorry, x-post.

TheKindnessOfStrangers · 07/01/2013 16:48

P.S. A therapist shouldn't be talking to you about their feelings Cog, you did the right thing letting go of that therapist.

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