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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend fleeing domestic abuse

41 replies

Misowok · 06/01/2013 18:19

Asking for a friend.

If she leavea the house she rents with her partner and comes to stay with me, is there anything wneed to know? She has no money. No income. Even childbenefit goes to him. She will bring her 3 children with ng her.

How can i help her?
What are the priorities?

Anyone taken a friend in and have any advice? Ground rules, how to broach things like time limits for her stay (feel like a cow, but have a family and a baby myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Misowok · 06/01/2013 18:20

So sorry for rubbish post!! Need a new phone.

Was going to add that

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ILoveTIFFANY · 06/01/2013 18:20

Shed get better help in a hostel.... Staff are trained and can get her benefits and housing sorted quickly

Plus she will be safe if he comes looking for her

Original poster
Misowok · 06/01/2013 18:23

I dont want to put her off leaving by maling her feel a nuisance.
She isnt. She is a lovely friend and i want to help.

I have a baby on the way btw, not here yet. Bloody phone! Sorry.

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Original poster
Misowok · 06/01/2013 18:25

Thanks Tiffany. I will suggest this to her.

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fergoose · 06/01/2013 18:31

I think one of the first things she should do is get the CB transferred to her bank account. Has she spoken to Women's Aid? - if not she can call them, even after she has left and is with you they could give her lots of advice and support.

izzyizin · 06/01/2013 18:33

When your friend is safe with you, phone the police on 101 and ask to be put in touch with an officer from the Domestic Violence Unit.

If your friend prefers, you can make contact with Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk but, as the helpline is often oversubscribed and your nearest offices will be closed if it's outside of office hours, calling the police is a shortcut to the resources she will need to begin to rebuild her life.

Tell her to bring as many identifying and other documentation (passports, birth certs, bank statements, etc) with her and to not be afraid of taking up any offer of accomodation in a women's refuge as they're nowhere near as grim as she may believe and she'll receive a warm welcome and lots of help in getting all the practical issues sorted.

How old are the dc?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2013 18:33

I'd recommend that you help her open her own bank account when she gets to you, transfer the CB payment <a class="break-all" href="https://online.hmrc.gov.uk/shortforms/form/CBOCH1702e?dept-name=CBO&sub-dept-name=&location=3&origin=www.hmrc.gov.uk" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">link here and then at least she'll have some funds to get started and somewhere to have other benefits paid into. Citizens Advice Bureau, the Job Centre and your local authority Housing Department should all be able to help. The hostel is an excellent suggestion.

izzyizin · 06/01/2013 18:34

www.womensaid.org.uk

izzyizin · 06/01/2013 18:35

How far away from your home does friend currently live? When is she planning to come to you?

ILoveTIFFANY · 06/01/2013 18:37

In a hostel you are considered 'homeless' and will be a priority for rehousing...... By staying with you she won't have that status

Also, as her friend, her husband she is fleeing will know where to come...... Don't put yourself in thus situation, you are pregnant with young dc??

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 06/01/2013 18:38

Poor woman, she has no income of her own and can't even have the child benefit in her name.Sad

I also think she should Definately contact womens aid and go to a hostel if possible. she will get tons of help and support through them.

The thing with local authority housing is that 3 bed properties are very hard to come by. of course, there is a waiting list/bid for property list but many of the 3 bed properties never even make it onto the list because they are probably given to womens aid who are classified as emergency housing. if that makes sense.

Original poster
Misowok · 06/01/2013 18:47

Oh thank you so much for quick reaponses.

Very helpful of you to give the link cogito. Thank you.

Think i'll show her this when she gets here. Everyone is lovely and helpful.

Children are young. Preschool age. Dont want to give too much info as not my kids and dont want her to be identified.

Have had a peek at womens aid site. Looks full of info too. Thanks. She was already gathering id docs i think. Hopedully she has them all ready.

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Original poster
Misowok · 06/01/2013 18:52

Her partner doesnt know my address. But having read bits on womens aid site and your comments here i am a bit worried now.

She plans to come when he is at work this week.

We live about 20 miles apart.

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fergoose · 06/01/2013 18:55

Could she at least leave any paperwork safely with you - maybe squirrel a few bits to yours too before she leaves so if she has to leave in a rush in the meantime some of her important bits will already be safe with you?

Original poster
Misowok · 06/01/2013 18:57

Could she come here for a few days thento a refuge? Or would she need to go straight there? I am worried a move toa hoatel might seem too big. Also worried for her safety. She is scared.

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Original poster
Misowok · 06/01/2013 18:58

Hostel*

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izzyizin · 06/01/2013 19:01

I asked because it is highly unlikely that any women's refuges will accept boys over the age of 12.

How far she is living from you has a bearing on whether she would be entitled to social housing. If she's currently living within the same county/borough council area as yourself, there is a statutory requirement for your local authority to house homeless persons who have dc.

However, the LA may argue the toss as to whether she's made herself intentionally homeless to get out of their obligation and any housing she's offered will most probably take the form of b&b or other temporary accomodation and it may be years some considerable time before an offer of permanent accomodation is made.

If she's coming from outside of your local authority area, they are under no obligation to house her.

If your home is within easy distance of her h, please think of your safety and that of your property - and even if it's not, give this some consideration because abusers rarely let mere miles deter them from wreaking havoc exacting revenge on those who have the temerity to leave them.

EspressoMonkey · 06/01/2013 19:01

She must go to a refuge. Many years ago I looked after a friend who was fleeing a violent boyfriend, it was a nightmare. He caused criminal damage to my property and physically assaulted me in the process. Please please let her get professional help and don't put yourself in danger.

ILoveTIFFANY · 06/01/2013 19:07

Also, if you claim certain benefits yourself, having her stay (indefinitely) could get you in trouble

izzyizin · 06/01/2013 19:19

If he doesn't have your address or phone number, your friend should be safe with you for at least a few weeks providing she hasn't given it to anyone he may know but, at some point, she'll need to register the dc with GPs, schools, etc, and total confidentiality cannot always be guaranteed.

I would suggest you give her 24-48 hours to calm her nerves and settle the dc and then begin to make all the necessary phone calls together.

At the time of writing, women's refuges are full to bursting and, as it may take some time for accomodation to be found for her and her dc, it's better that she applies sooner rather than later.

In this instance I wholeheartedly recommend an approach to your local police's DV Unit as it's effectively a one stop shop for protection and access to resources such as Women's Aid/the refuge movement - it's likely that any dv aide who's allocated to her via the police will be a WA worker.

Regardless of whether she leaves a note or he's aware of her intention, it's probable he'll report her and the dc missing and she's unlikely to be filled with joy at the thought of her face being splashed over the morning newspapers Smile

If the police are aware that she and the dc are safe, they'll convey this to him without revealing her whereabouts.

TwinkleReturns · 06/01/2013 19:19

Right.

Ive fled DV twice. My advice would be to do an overnight at yours to support her in getting all the calls made and move onto a refuge the next day. A referral for refuge will be done over the phone and she may be scared to do that at home incase he overhears or she may just appreciate your support in doing it. The two refuges I stayed in were absolutely lovely. Yes its scary but she will get fab support there, the staff will help her get money sorted and most importantly the companionship of other women who have been in your shoes is invaluable. I posted a thread describing my move into a refuge - I'll try and find it in a min.

Refuge will be able to ensure her whereabouts are safe. If he decides to report her missing to the police they will do a welfare check. If she is in a refuge they wont tell him anything other than that she is safe and well and any further calls from him can be viewed as harassment. If she is at yours you would not necessarily have the same level of protection. He would not be able to randomly turn up at a refuge as the locations are secret. She will feel on edge once shes left that he could turn up at your property.

Please encourage and support her in speaking to WA with an aim to getting a refuge place. IME they will send a taxi to collect her, have a room with warm clean beds and a pack of basics to tide her over. She will be safe and supported.

TwinkleReturns · 06/01/2013 19:20

Here is the link to my going into refuge thread.

TwinkleReturns · 06/01/2013 19:22

x posts with Izzy who explains it much better than me!!

dequoisagitil · 06/01/2013 19:34

That's an amazing account of your stays in refuge, don't do yourself down, Twinkle - what you have to say is invaluable.

Original poster
Misowok · 06/01/2013 19:35

Twinkle and izzy, that is so helpful. I am sooverwhelmed by it all. God knows how she ia feeling. :(

Will relay all this to her, and probably return for more advice.

Thank you all.

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