Friend fleeing domestic abuse

[Misowok]

Asking for a friend.

If she leavea the house she rents with her partner and comes to stay with me, is there anything wneed to know? She has no money. No income. Even childbenefit goes to him. She will bring her 3 children with ng her.

How can i help her?
What are the priorities?

Anyone taken a friend in and have any advice? Ground rules, how to broach things like time limits for her stay (feel like a cow, but have a family and a baby myself

Women's refuges are absolutely bursting at the seams at the moment, Twinkle, and, as places can't conjured of thin air, many women are having to wait until space becomes available and those who can't wait are being housed in B&B establishments or other temp accomodation which doesn't have the same level of protection as that afforded by a refuge.

Luckily, this particular victim of dv has a safe place to stay in the interim with a friend to support and encourage her - and who'll hopefully also encourage her to post her own thread here or update the thread she's started as and when.

can't be conjured out of thin air

She can at least look, izzy, and access to counselling/benefits/housing may be speedier through a refuge.

Refuges here are not overcrowded at all.... It differs from county to county, my friend is in one here. She has a choice of room and nobody to even share living quarters with

Please don't be put off contacting them

I trust that you will appreciate that I have emphatically not at any time tried to put you/your friend off making contact with WA, Misowok.

In fact, I have suggested that you/she does so as soon as she's had opportunity to catch her breath, and it should be noted that a call to a police DV Unit is a shortcut to contact with a WA worker.

However, she may not be thinking in terms of refuge accomodation and may be under the impression she can start again, as it were, using your home as a base for the forseeable future.

In this event, you can reassure her that a call to the police/WA does not mean that she's going to be whisked away to a refuge immediately and there may be a wait before a place becomes available within easy travelling distance of your home so you can continue to support her face to face through visits rather than phone calls, as I've assumed this is what you would both prefer to happen.

Pending the introduction of housing benefit caps, already introduced for private housing, which will affect all forms of housing from April, it may be that the establishment your friend is currenty occupying is one which has been earmarked for closure if women's refuges, which are exceedingly costly to staff and maintain and which charge rent accordingly, are not made exempt from the new rules TIFFANY.

If this is the case it may be the reason why your friend would appear to be the sole occupant of a refuge, or it may be that insuffiicient staff are available to admit more residents.

No, it's a Christian charity run establishment. She's been in it before ( don't ask) some refuges hostels have to take certain vulnerable women as well as those fleeing dv as conditions apply. This place seems exempt.

O jeez, not the happy-clappies That explains it.

When I went into refuge they moved me to one which did have a place - they wont just check your nearest one and say "nope sorry no room" if one ten miles up the road does have a space. I know they are turning women away, I know they can be hard to get into but so many women on here are too scared to even consider refuge as it seems like such a big step that Id rather encourage the OPs friend to go for it and then offer alternatives if a place cant be obtained, than point out all the obstacles and difficulties she might face before shes even taken the step of leaving.

Refuge can give her the best support at this time so I see no reason to discourage her when we have no idea whether she will get offered a place straight away or have difficulty finding one.

Fwiw the second time I fled it was into emergency council accomodation so if you have any questions about going down that route OP I'd be happy to share my experience of that.

I don't consider that I've said anything to discourage the OP/her friend from seeking a place in a refuge for her and the dcs, TIFFANY.

Many women appear to hold the view that refuges are somehow akin to the worst kind of accomodation; grimy buildings, shabby furnishings, grubby dormitories, etc, but some I've visited are verging on luxurious with particularly extensive provision for dc.

When the proposed cap on all housing benefits was announced, funding issues are such that it apppeared that many refuges would have to close. There's been some backtracking by the Government but it's still a nail biting time waiting to know what concessions, if any, will be given to the women refuge movement in April of this year.

Our hostel had a laundry room, gym, playroom, garden with gardener, and we all had 2 bed apartments. SSAFA run for forces families, but took some LA referrals too

Was fab!!

Women's Aid have had a number of exceptionally generous benefactors over the years, some of whom have donated very desirable properties to the cause or have leased them for a peppercorn minimal rent.

If you're friend seeks refuge accomodation, the advantage for her is that she'll receive all the help she needs on site and no trekking around local authority, CAB, WA, etc, offices with 3 dc in tow and forking for fares has to be a bonus, especially in the winter months, Misowok.

you're friend? Surely that should read ^your friend...

My eyes are crossing... time to call it a night. Hope all goes well for your friend's journey to you, and that you'll come back with an update soon.

Back for a brief update.

My friend has spoken to women's aid, who have advised her not to move benefits around or change anything money-wise until she is safe here. I'm hoping she comes today. Another friend has some documents and clothes of hers and is bringing these round this morning. I have the house ready, cupboards full to bursting , so just hoping she can be brave enough and strong enough to come.

Women's aid also said refuges are full, and call again when she is here and safe, and they can talk her through benefits etc, and find her a place in a refuge, though that could be anywhere.

I have told her about this thread, but I think she is waiting until she is here before looking (to stay safe).

Just want to assure izzy you have absolutely not put me/her off seeking help, and I have found your realistic approach very helpful.

I have found the combination of mumsnet and the women's aid site really invaluable. They even have a bit for friends on women's aid, which is great!

Thanks again, will come back later.

Gosh, you've been busy! All that's left to do is roll out the red carpet when your friend arrives and I do hope that's going to be sometime very soon, Misowok

When your friend's settled in, please give consideration to letting your local police know that she and her dc are safe and well. You could ask your local community police officer to visit and explain the situation so that your phone no/address can be red flagged just in case the chain of secrecy is broken.

Your friend may be reluctant to involve the police but she can rest assured she won't be put under any pressure to report her abuser. However, if she has evidence of physical abuse - visible marks or injuries, GP/hospital reports or similar - she should give consideration to reporting as, at some point in the future, the question of his contact with the dc may arise.

Also reassure your friend that if refuge accomodation is found for her many miles away she can ask to be rehoused anywhere in the country, including near you if she has no family/other friends she wants to be close to.

Fingers crossed that today's the day!

She is here. Very stressful day yesterday. Even for me! She's been in touch with women's aid again today.

I'm immensely glad to hear that your friend and her dc are safe with you and I sincerely hope that, especially given your condition, you don't find supporting her through this initial transitional period too stressful.

I also hope that you'll be able to find time and space for yourself in what may seem to be a suddenly very full house.

Is your friend amenable to accepting accomodation in a refuge when space becomes available?