I don't want to be boilerwoman

[Ihatexmas]

Am a lapsed regular. Life got in the way so I haven't been around for some time.

I say life got in the way, but not to the extent that I took the trouble to water the garden of love, so to speak. We have a pre-school DA and have been together for over a decade. The love of my life and the only decent man I have ever had a relationship with. Soul mates, we were. Otherwise I would never have had his child., especially since we are not married. He adored me too.

Anyway we had the absolute best relationship ever. There is an age gap but we had so much in common it never mattered. I was even smart enough for a while to determine that I would not make the and mistakes as others I had read about on here and let the relationship get into a rut, especially after DS was born. You'll have heard the rest before; for the last 6 months we have been extinguishing the spark - me refusing sex because I couldn't be arsed and am too fat to feel sexy, both of us spending our evenings engrossed in our own little flckering screens, not talking, not listening, never going out or making time for each other. I knew it was happening and did nothing.

This culminated, as is so often the case, in a row on NYE when he said he hadn't been happy for a while and I stupidly said let's split up then. He offered some pretty lame excuses as to why we shouldn't and when we spoke again the next day I suggested we should try to get the spark back and see whether we can't make it work as DS will be absolutely devastated by us splitting. I can't emphasise enough how happy and secure he is and how much he loves his dad and how much of a shock if things change.

Problem is, DP doesn't want to try. He says he still loves me, can't imagine leaving etc but when the subject is raised he says he doesn't know what he wants anymore , and we all know what that means. I think he has decided it is over in his head but is finding it hard to take the final step. We agreed to make an effort in yet another tearful late night converstion and I have been, affectionate and all the rest , but its all one way. He is making no effort. Will respond to sexual overtures but thats it.

So after a few days of this I am starting to feel desperate and clingy and like I should stop and just tell him to go. It is clerly what he wants. There's no one else involved on either side.

Besides everyhing else I do love him to bits and now that the loss is staring me in the face I want it back. The main thing though is that I fel like I have let DS down so terribly and I cannot bear to put him through the heartache of us splitting.

What do I do now? I have tried talking to DP, tried to get him to admit what he wants but we are now stuck in a horrible awkward painful limbo here. Whatever I am doing is wrong.

Anyone got any sage words? Am hanging by a thread here, ladies.

Fuck it, he just walked in and caught me crying. Got to go.

hadnt got infatuated.....

also meant to say, I know its so hard to do what you are doing, but I think that you will feel better in the long run yourself.

This is the relationships board at its most cynical and twisted. FGS you don't want to leave him, he doesn't want to leave you, so don't! He loves you! He has just taken a massive blow to his confidence: the woman he loves is telling him she wants him to leave. That must have been a big punch in the guts . My advice: let him go to his man cave (men are from mars reference there) but before you let him go to ground, tell him in no uncertain terms that you are unreservedly sorry, you didn't mean it, you love him and that you'll be waiting for him when he feels he's had enough time.

Kiwi - He says he still loves me, can't imagine leaving etc but ... says he doesn't know what he wants anymore ... We agreed to make an effort ... but its all one way.

Perhaps you've never been here. It's the most miserable, lonely experience to feel that you're in a relationship all by yourself. If it can be turned around, that's more likely to happen after initiating a split than through redoubled self-sacrifice.

The OP sounds too bright to think that men are martians who need caves....thankfully.

Agree it's okay to retract what was said in the heat of the NYE row, but as for waiting around while he comes to his senses (or as some of us suspect, gets the new squeeze out of his system)?

No.

tell him in no uncertain terms that you are unreservedly sorry, you didn't mean it, you love him and that you'll be waiting for him when he feels he's had enough time

Hmm. So SHE has to say she is unreservedly sorry even though he was the one to start with saying he wasn't happy, and though she's asked if they can try again, and HE has said it's not worth it in case it goes pear shaped again.

SHE has to say she didn't mean what she said - see above, plus add him not making any effort no matter what she tries.

Erm she's told him she loves him

And SHE has to let him do what he wants & wait around for him to make up his mind, then tamely accept that he has all the power to determine their future.

So every single thing is her fault that she musty apologise for, and maybe she should get back into the kitchen until her lord & master decides what he wants?????

I didn't ask him to leave. I stupidly and half drunkenly said some things that I later told him I didn't mean and that I had said in order to give him an out if he wanted it. The next day he said that these things had planted doubts in his mind but that he had been unhappy for a few months because we were both existing in our own little bubble. He knows I don't want him to go.

I know that I haven't got the full picture. If he has had his head turned it will have been a fleeting thing and he isn't seeing anyone physically. He lives and works on the internet so something like that is eminently possible but improbable, knowing him as I do. I have asked him but he wouldn't say, of course he wouldn't. Not yet. That said, his protestations about staying together have been feeble, to say the least.

The fact is that the past few days have been pretty tortuous for me and are not getting us anywhere. I thought that sticking it out was saving DS the inevitable heartache and upheaval but it is only postponing it. The thought of DS's face as he walks the door, bag in hand, is, quite honestly, unthinkable to me. I know this may sound melodramatic but we have had 4 years of a pretty blissful family life until the rot so recently set in. I don't even know if he will be able to walk out, but I suspect he will.

There is validity to the end it and the mend it viewpoints, but I think that barring a massive change in attitude on his part, it can't be mended while he is here, in this frame of mind.

I think you're doing the right thing. But you don't need your son to be there when he goes. Take the lad out and ask for your partner to text you when he's gone. Fudge it for a short while with your son if necessary, but try not to lie.

A couple of questions:

You said you asked him and 'he wouldn't say' - what about another woman?

Can you tell us more about the row you had on NYE and what led up to it?

I'm not especially getting an affair vibe from this. It sounds salvageable with counselling.

Thanks for sticking with me badinage. What happened on NYE was that he was quiet and moody all evening at a friends' party. I kept asking what was wrong and he would say nothing. He had been like this a few times over Christmas. To be honest I think we took too much time off and were stuck indoors too much getting on each others' nerves - it seems to have come to a head over the holidays. When I asked him if there was something the matter each time he would say no.

Anyway after we went to bed that night I finally got it out of him , that he felt something had been lost and he had felt alone even when in the same room with me for a while. I said I had felt the same. I was surprised by his confession and angry that he had repeatedly said there was nothing wrong over the previous week, so I said that I felt we had become strangers and since we were clearly going to split up why not just get it over with.

In response he made some feeble joky protestations. Then we fell asleep and the next day spoke again and he said that my doubts had given him doubts. The next time we spoke he said he wasn't sure what he wanted and all the rest of it, but that he did love me and was still in love with me. I'm not sure whether that is true. I think that for understandable reasons he is baulking at doing or saying anything that tips us over the edge into 'its definitely over' territory. He says that as far as he can recall he thought that things were fine as recently as September. I think the decline in our relationship was less noticeable to us back then but was probably there.

I should point out that about 6 months ago we had a long conversation, initiated by me, during which I brought up the fact that we were failing to make any time for each other and our relationship and that if things continued in the same vein we would be in trouble. Of course neither of us did really make any renewed effort on that front, having agreed it was vital.

In the midst of all these angst ridden conversations I asked whether there was anyone else and he said no. My point was that he would say that, wouldn't he?

The only thing that doesn't add up is his uncharacteristic unwillingness to try to fix things now.

I am not getting an affair vibe either and believe me, I am the suspicious type.

Looking at the facts here.

Things have suddenly gone downhill in your relationship.

The moodiness and petty arguments.

He loves you but has lost something (spark?).

He does not really want to do anything to fix things (i.e relate or invest time and energy in the relationship).

He spends a lot of time on his computer - perfect breeding grounds for an online affair (or is he using porn and webcam sites?).

These all are red flags.

Have you done any digging around to check that its definitely NOT an affair or some kind of infidelity (and I would include webcam sites in this category).

No, there's none of that icky stuff going on. His computer use and the rest of it is open to me and we share these types of things - computers etc.

Can we take my representation of the situation at face value? I know these things happen but they are not at issue here. There's no OW, real or virtual.

Fair enough OP.

You both need to talk about the issue of why he is unwilling to fix things. Will he consider going to relate?

He might.

I don't know anything about it. Are there waiting lists? Is it expensive?

I'd make a show of myself blubbing in front of strangers.

OK so assuming no OW, your H needs to work out why, if he loves you, he is unwilling to work things out.

My XH said he didn't feel the same and walked and flatly refused to go to Relate

But your H claims to love you, so he should want to do everything possible for DS sake to make things right. And the same goes for you as well.

You both need to be totally honest, work out what makes you both unhappy, work out how you can fix it and then actively work on those things.

If you are going to work things out then I think you should remain in the same house.

.

You need to contact your local relate to find out more. I get the impression that you are not keen on the idea thiough?

I still think space is a good idea - it may help break the cycle you both are in and bring clarity to the situation.

Look, while I don't agree with kiwi about the man cave business, I don't think you need to rush to split up either. I think one of you needs to take the initiative to set up counselling. Though if the fear of blubbing in front of strangers is worse than the fear of losing your relationship you're probably on a hiding to nothing.