I don't want to be boilerwoman

[Ihatexmas]

Am a lapsed regular. Life got in the way so I haven't been around for some time.

I say life got in the way, but not to the extent that I took the trouble to water the garden of love, so to speak. We have a pre-school DA and have been together for over a decade. The love of my life and the only decent man I have ever had a relationship with. Soul mates, we were. Otherwise I would never have had his child., especially since we are not married. He adored me too.

Anyway we had the absolute best relationship ever. There is an age gap but we had so much in common it never mattered. I was even smart enough for a while to determine that I would not make the and mistakes as others I had read about on here and let the relationship get into a rut, especially after DS was born. You'll have heard the rest before; for the last 6 months we have been extinguishing the spark - me refusing sex because I couldn't be arsed and am too fat to feel sexy, both of us spending our evenings engrossed in our own little flckering screens, not talking, not listening, never going out or making time for each other. I knew it was happening and did nothing.

This culminated, as is so often the case, in a row on NYE when he said he hadn't been happy for a while and I stupidly said let's split up then. He offered some pretty lame excuses as to why we shouldn't and when we spoke again the next day I suggested we should try to get the spark back and see whether we can't make it work as DS will be absolutely devastated by us splitting. I can't emphasise enough how happy and secure he is and how much he loves his dad and how much of a shock if things change.

Problem is, DP doesn't want to try. He says he still loves me, can't imagine leaving etc but when the subject is raised he says he doesn't know what he wants anymore , and we all know what that means. I think he has decided it is over in his head but is finding it hard to take the final step. We agreed to make an effort in yet another tearful late night converstion and I have been, affectionate and all the rest , but its all one way. He is making no effort. Will respond to sexual overtures but thats it.

So after a few days of this I am starting to feel desperate and clingy and like I should stop and just tell him to go. It is clerly what he wants. There's no one else involved on either side.

Besides everyhing else I do love him to bits and now that the loss is staring me in the face I want it back. The main thing though is that I fel like I have let DS down so terribly and I cannot bear to put him through the heartache of us splitting.

What do I do now? I have tried talking to DP, tried to get him to admit what he wants but we are now stuck in a horrible awkward painful limbo here. Whatever I am doing is wrong.

Anyone got any sage words? Am hanging by a thread here, ladies.

Fuck it, he just walked in and caught me crying. Got to go.

Me and my Xh fell into the same pattern sat in different rooms each on computer, or watching tv. My XH announced out of the blue that he was unhappy and had been for some time, despite not having shown any signs... we were still having sex and cuddling every night.

He had formed an attachment to his best mates wife and it was all via text, email, facebook, using secrete email accounts and texting her all day while out of the house.

I have no idea whether your P is having an affair or not, but you don't just suddenly stop loving somebody. My soulmate of ten years, husband of 6 just walked out on me and 4yo DD, and it was because his head had been turned.

I do think that you should tell him to go, for your own sake. Call it a trial separation if you think that will help.

Regarding the crying - I cried all over the place after XH left.. the schoolgate, toddler group. the shop. work. its just something that you have to go through. If you are strong enough, then put it away in your head and allow yourself a cry each evening.

But surely if things were really bad he would have already packed his bags and left.

Not if he hasn't got anywhere to go he won't.

And the more you hear and read about others' relationships, the more you see a pattern with these blokes who 'don't know what they want' but don't want to leave....

Usually that translates to 'I want someone else but I still want my cooking and washing done until the OW is ready to take all that on'

Just a thought. But, by a country mile, you need him to want YOU again. So - have trial separation with very clear ground rules (about seeing other people, money etc).

But you need this to work for you. Sounds like you need space to get your head together. So - plan for your future, go to the gym, go out in the evening, get a hair cut, get some new clothes - do anything which makes you feel good. That way, you'll either fall back into each other's arms, rejuvenated, or you have done some grieving and some preparation for your next life phase. What you won't have done is moped around needily which I'm sure is the least attractive thing you can do. Of course, leave him under no illusions - tell him calmly and clearly how much you love him and that you really hope you can work this out.

Just an idea.

He does make me feel beautiful, its not that. If there's a problem on that front it is mine.

I think he hasn't left because of the enormity of the prospect of walking out on both of us. He absolutely will not find that easy, whatever else is going on. He loves his son very much and has always done as much of the hands on parenting as me.

I know that every woman who puts up a thread like this swears there could be no OW, and generally they turn up a few weeks later having discovered there is someone at least lurking in the background. Believe me, its not that I haven't considered it, even the internet thing, although that's not his style - he'd need to see her in the flesh to want a woman.

I think maybe he thinks we have come to the end of the road and is trying to be 'nice' about it. Just after we got together I accidentally saw an email he'd sent to his ex gf. It was over between them and she had come sniffing round when she heard he was seeing someone else. She was the type to only want what she couldn't have. He'd written her this soppy email saying that he did love her and wished they could be together forever but it couldn't work and that it was over. It caused quite the row at the time - all the sugar coating. She was his first love and she broke his heart repeatedly. If there was to be anyone lurking it would probably be her, come to think of it.

Soon find out, I suppose.

I'm with badinage - this has all the hallmarks of an affair.

He is leading you on until its convenient for him and OW to leave - maybe OW is married?

I would do some snooping - phone, mobile bills, emails, internet history and don't forget to check deleted folders.

Then you will know where you really stand - as it is all this uncertainty is messing with your head.

Your interpretation of his behaviour seems contradictory. He's telling you that the spark has gone, he fears it won't come back or if it does it will go again - and yet you still think he thinks you're desirable and he's attracted to you?

He does sound weak and avoidant of telling women the truth about his feelings.

He has got somewhere to go and he wouldn't be that bothered about having someone to run around after him. He's not too bothered about home comforts.

What is holding him back, OW or no, is the huge step that walking out would be. We have discussed a trial separation and he said he feels like that would be the beginning of the end. It probably would be, for him.

This is all helping. A lot.

"Just for clarity he says he doesn't know what he wants because even if we get the spark back now how are we to know that it won't all go to shit again in a few months or years and we'll end up hating each other."

That's a weird way to approach family life. "Let's not bother trying to make it better because it could all go wrong anyway?" I would interpret that as 'I have a very good reason for not trying but I haven't told you why yet'.

I think there's nothing more cruel than this kind of prevarication and second-guessing. Sorry you're experiencing it.

I think he is avoiding telling me the full extent of his feelings but there is no OW, I'm pretty sure of that. No relationship going on, certainly.

I don't think there always has to be a relationship going on for this to happen, although in my experience men don't tend to leave until something's a sure thing with an OW.....

But it could be the ex has been back in contact - or he's met someone who's shown a possibility - and as someone else said, it's 'turned his head'. Still think it's possible that this 'head turning' pre-dated the blip that started only 6 months ago, but you say not.

So you've got to go on what he's saying and doing. He wants out but wants to stay under the same roof. I assume you won't settle for crumbs like that?

To my mind, your relationship actually stands a better chance of survival if there's a secret other relationship, assuming it hasn't gone too far or that you could forgive it. Sometimes these things collapse when the secrecy is blown and have the artificial effect of convincing people that if they fancy someone else, their relationship is shite and needs to end.

Much worse if he's really stopped wanting you of his own accord I think. But whatever, you have to accept what he's saying and make your own decisions based on that, don't you?

@badinage yes it is contradictory and I have told him it doesn't add up.

He says he is in love with me but something is missing. I can't disagree with him if I am honest, although faced with the prospect of losing him the 'missing' thing has been restored to me in sharp relief. Or maybe I just think that and am panicking and in fear of the next stage?

The truth is, I looked at him sitting glumly opposite me on the sofa a couple of weeks back and thought that I wouldn't care if he was gone. Why do I care now, suddenly?

It's not all his fault, I realise that I have neglected him for some while. Rejected him sexually. Didn't listen when he was speaking to me. Sat around the house looking like shit with a miserable gob on. Perhaps my guilt over that is what makes me think I should try to salvage it.

OK, enough introspection. Best get on with the rest of Sunday. I am grateful for what has been said and will come back later to see if anyone has posted.

Thanks.

@cogito yes it is weird and I have told him so.

Am reading all comments, sorry not replying to all at once.

I think what he means is that he loves you but isn't in love with you. There's such a difference.

You probably care now out of a complex mix of loss and battered pride. I'd hunch that you always felt you had the control in your relationship and don't like it when that's taken away.

You behaved like you did for a reason and you need to find out what that was.

Either you were sensing something had changed in him and responded accordingly (but I doubt that was cognitive, or is even now)

or you felt the relationship had run out of steam yourself and were acting that out. Then it was just a question of who called time.

Which is all the more reason why you need to part or go to therapy.

I know

"He says he is in love with me but something is missing"

Oh that is so mealy-mouthed!!! I once got 'I love you but it's not enough...' What are you supposed to do with that kind of statement? I think your assessment that he thinks he's doing you a favour the way he did with his old flame is probably spot on. Cowardly I call it.

You are not far wrong with the control thing. It was very much a relationship of equals but I couldn't tolerate having less control than him. He has it now and that is pretty hard for me to stomach.

Agree with 'love' different from being 'in love'. People in love aren't interested in anyone else as the thrill of it tops anything around - hence at the beginning of your relationship when he was most likely 'in love' with you, the love for his ex did not compare.
10 years on, the 'in love' stage can wear off, the thrill has gone, but the love is still there. All it takes is for the 'in love' feeling to resurface for love to come second, for that you need an object of desire to be found. Not sure how you think it's "not his style" as you already know he had emailed and facebooked, so has already shown you it can be his style.

I asked if it was a case of I love you but am no longer in love - he said 'I am still in love with you.' But I guess we have established that he would say that anyway.

It don't add up,.

One last thing that really scares me DS is very much a daddy's boy. If he leaves I don't think DS will want to stay with me. He won't be happy.

So what you need to work out is whether your desire to rescue the relationship is because you want to regain control and being the one with the right to end or continue it, or whether it's because you genuinely love him but lost sight of it for a while.

You need space as much as him, in other words.

If this is ever going to work again, you both need to be fully committed and wanting to stay in the relationship for the right reasons.

I still think there's something you don't know, though.

Good post best but I think sometimes a crappy infatuation or silly crush can convince some people that their relationship is toast. Agree too that it clearly is his 'style' if he's got form for telling one woman he still loves her while in a relationship with another.......

Kids often seem to have a favourite and if your DP does fun things with him then it's not a surprise. But, what counts also is who does the most of the care and nurturing and that is something that a child does not see, has not the maturity to realize and yet is the most important thing ultimately, as welfare and balance count more though a child cannot be expected to know this.

It's bad form to mark a place on a relationship thread - I'm doing it because you sound like a really excellent woman, OP, and I want to see how your thoughts develop! I feel for you. Wish I'd had your clarity, back in the day.

You will be all right, you know, as long as you don't resign yourself to ongoing low-level crap.

Is it bad form? much has changed since I was last here.

You have all been very kind.

Am going to speak to him again when DS is in bed and ask him to make preparations to stay elsewhere.

@badinage I can't fault a word of your last post.

Good luck. Whatever happens, you need to be apart for a while, so that you can both work out what you want. It will be better for DS in the long run if you can work it through properly now, whatever the end result is.

I still cant speak to XH because of the way that he walked out on us. It could have been so much different, if he had talked to me and also if he had got infatuated with OW!