At the end if the road

[starstosee]

My husband has just stormed out the house after yet another unpleasant day which started as I made breakfast for my ds who's 11, dh got angry cause I was boiling a full pan of water on hob to cook eggs & told I am wasteful with money by using electric, 2 hrs later he says his going out to buy more stereo speakers! Admitted that its ok for him to spend as much money as he likes but as I don't work I should not spend anything. It's often like this, infact since we had kids its always the same story. I am a student doing counselling course in an effort to get myself qualifications for a future job, been stay at home mum for last 16 years, dh full on work life, which he wanted. I have tried to be a good wife but I am worn out at the years of criticism being told I am a lazy bitch, I have lost most of my friends as he doesn't like socialising, he never let's family visit more than once a year & then can be so unpredictable & bad tempered in front of them it's humiliating. Tells me I am mad on regular basis & always puts me down it's hurts. Today I told him he was selfish as if he doesn't get everything his way & feel 100% adored & valued he can sulk & snipe for hours & hours, he thinks that's acceptable. I am 48 yrs old& I feel I am just waiting to die, the only reason I am still here is cause I don't want to leave my beautiful children with dh. I tried to talk about a divorce to him but he got incredibly angry & said he would make my life hell & start a war with me, I begged him to consider kids but he says its war whatever.
I have no money & no job prospects & wonder if anyone else out there could offer me some words of wisdom? I am hoping to get the kids to a point in life where they can manage without me & then I can just go to sleep forever & find some peace. I'm not a bad person & I've tried to make the best out of life but after 25 years with dh I just haven't got the strength anymore.

You can get free of this utter shithead. Remember that you do split up with him he will have to provide for you and for the children. Even so living in poverty would be better than dealing with this twat and feeling suicidal, wouldn't it?

STOP RIGHT THERE!

No time to make much sense of this but ...

There is a wonderful life waiting for you away from this horrible man. You can be free of him and you can be happy. Lots more good advice will follow in a minute but at least go and talk to Citizens Advice on Monday about what your rights are.

He wouldn't consider the impact on your kids if you were to divorce? He sounds horrible. If you leave him and he gets angry and acts like a twat that's his problem not yours. Why couldn't you leave and take the kids? If I were you I'd get one of those free half-an-hour consultations with a solicitor and look at the Gingerbread website and start making plans to be outta there.

Sorry, that should have said he wouldn't consider the impact on your kids if you were to divorce acrimoniously?

Oh dear. You don't have to suffer like this and you don't have to wait a second longer to get yourself and your DCs away from his malign influence and bad behaviour. Book yourself an appointment with a solicitor and get some information about the reality of finances, accommodation and children post divorce. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at just how little power he has to start his 'war'. Also have a look at the Womens Aid website on the subject of Emotional Abuse because it sounds to me as though you have been a victim - and your children by association - for a long, long time

Do you have anyone you could take the kids and go and stay with?

I agree it sounds like the end of the road for your marriage, but not for you.

You need some good legal advice but there are options to rebuild a future for you and the kids.

"he never let's family visit more than once a year "

Isolating partners from their family is a pretty standard tactic of emotional abusers unfortunately. If you contact them and tell them you're in trouble I'm sure, given his terrible behaviour, they will both believe you and want to help. In fact, they've probably been waiting for you to call for years.

Hi Star

First of no man is worth taking your self permanantly away from your kids, you will have proved his point for him. Secondly and this is for eye opening purproses only and to show you there is life after a wanker like him, there are women on here who have had the shit kicked out of them literally for years by their now ex's and will tell you hands down it is possible,

He has got you so low in yourself that you think you have no way out, when in fact you have a lot of options. his threats about a war etc are pointless and worthless, they are said out of fear of you leaving thats all. you need to sit down at some point when he isnt there and set about planning and thinking about what you want.

if it is out and lovely I pray its this option, then there is a wealth of info on here to be had, plus get an appt at your local CAB office and they have a website that will tell you what you are entitled to. Phone the tax credits people, the counsel if you rent and get a free half hour with a solicitor.

next get doent he docs and on a list for a counsellor to talk through where you are in your head at the moment, this is the time to quietly fight not lat down and die.

I personally have been in shit up to my eyeballs and have thought I cant do this, but you know what I did it was hard but ultimately worth it, there is light at the end of the tunnel hun I promise you

xx

OK you're doing a counselling course, so imagine that what you've just written here is a stranger coming in to you for help.

Verbally abusive, financially abusive, entitled, controlling, isolating you from your family & friends, destroying your self-esteem, gaslighting, threatening. Have I missed any of his myriad faults? Oh yes, he also clearly doesn't give a damn about the wellbeing of his children. And does he have one single redeeming quality?

Of course he won't want to even consider divorce, he has a browbeaten slave who he can push around & treat like shit, who is terrified of leaving because of his threats of reprisals. So staying with you is a win/win situation for him.

From your point of view your life is so shit with him that it's driving you to suicidal thoughts, so it's a lose/lose situation for you. No question, you need to get out with your sanity intact & your kids.

Firstly, you are NOT acting in your children's best interests in staying with this man. You don't say how many, whether girls or boys, or their ages. But if they are girls you are teaching them that it is normal for them to be treated like this when they grow up & get married themselves. If they are boys, they are being taught that this is how they can treat women. What your H is doing is emotional abuse plain & simple, & your children are being taught this is the way people behave.

You are married to this man, so though he may have told you that you'll get nothing from him you may be surprised to find out that if you divorce him you will be entitled to a fair bit from him whether he likes it or not - part of the value of the house, any other assets, income at least for as long as the children are growing up, even a percentage of any pensions he has.

What you need from MN is help with a plan of campaign on how to get out of this sham of a marriage with the minimum impact on you.

First thing you need to do is find out as much as you can about your rights, ideally without him knowing. There are others here who will be able to be more specific but your first port of call should be CAB and Women's Aid. You should also be able to get a free half hour consultation with a solicitor - perceived wisdom is to take that from as many of the local solicitors that are any good in this type of thing as that will mean he can't then use them.

He's been at war with you ever since he has been treating you like this. And he thinks he's won.

He hasn't.

You've already taken the first step. You know it's wrong, and you've said so to other people (us).

It's time to think about some real life support, eg

• see your GP and tell him/her about how you have been feeling
• and see if they offer counselling via the practice (or any other way - but try to seek some help)
• try olgaga's blog for practical advice (it's comprehensive)

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html?m=1

• and the resources on this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1633756-Support-thread-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-14

... You have been suffering emotional abuse over a long period of time. You're not alone, and people are waiting to help you.

Post here as much as you want to. You shouldn't have to feel like this, stars

Thanks ladies, I will contact citizens advice next week & try & get a handle on implications of my situation. The other complication is that daughter 14 & son 11 both go to private schools which they love & dh says if I leave him then first thing to go would be school fees, kids never known anything else & I have worked hard to support/encourage them, I think it would add enormously to trauma to move them. Dh always finds ways to hurt me. I have the best sister ever but he has now found a reason to bar her from house & so I have to call her secretly on phone, she hates him soo much. I only see my brother at funerals as dh refuses anything to do with him too, his even cold & difficult with his own dysfunctional parents. Is it better to just pack a bag & leave with kids? Where do people like me go? Sorry to sound such a wimp x

I can't give any practical advice, ill leave that up to the posters who really, really know their stuff, but you can do this OP.
You deserve to be happy, and you can be. It won't be easy, but it will be better than this. Just want to be another voice saying that you're doing the right thing, so whenever you feel like you can't do it, you can picture us all behind you.

Next thing on the list would be to see if you can re-connect with family or close friends, again without him knowing, that way you can develop a support network. I wouldn't be surprised if you find out that some of these people have been concerned about you and your situation for years, but didn't think they were able to say anything.

These people are the ones who will be invaluable WHEN you leave your H (not if!) as they will be there for you emotionally and you may be able to stay with family while you sort things out.

Next as Guiltypleasures001 says, see your doctor & get on the list for counselling yourself. Your H has spent so many years destroying your self confidence that you need help in recovering it. You say you are 48? So plenty of time left to start anew, discover the joys of living alone or even get a new DP in the future if you feel that's what you want. After a few months away from the abuse designed to wear you down, you'll find that your energy & zest for life will improve beyond recognition, honest .

Right I've typed half a novel here, and I'm sure plenty of others will be on shortly to add to it, so I'll stop for a bit with one last piece of advice - keep on coming here, reading this thread, and keep us updated! If nothing else you'll know that you have people who care and are concerned.

Ah x-posted with you! Contact your sister asap (without him knowing) - she will be able to support you and will be very happy to.

Your H (why are you keeping that "D" in front of the "H"?) will punish the children as a way to get to you? You definitely need to get them away from his poisonous influence asap - try reading the "Stately Homes" thread to see how bad his behaviour is for them.

Thank you all so much, I am incredibly touched by your support & kindness.

"if I leave him then first thing to go would be school fees,"

That threat is simply to bully you emotionally into doing nothing and accepting the status quo. Your mental and physical health are currently badly damaged by living with this man. I'm sure your DCs would be intelligent and resilient enough to cope with a move to a different school if it meant their beloved mother would be happier and healthier as a result. Assuming they don't go away to school, they must be aware of the atmosphere at home. Children are very perceptive.

Talk to your sister and say you've had enough. She sounds wonderful and you must let her help you plan your exit with your DCs, getting information and so forth. You have to be very careful about how you leave because emotional bullies like your husband can become violent bullies when they think they are about to lose the game. So it's important that you take all steps to ensure your safety. The Womens Aid charity helps lots of women in just your situation every year. Their resources are stretched but they can give you information on how best to take this forward.

I will get some info on Womens Aid, but your right cogitoErgosometimes, H is controlling me to do nothing about leaving him for my fear of threats.

Sister worried also that he may turn violent as he is over 6foot and 17 stone, last year he throw me out the back door and when I fought my way back in he held my arms so tight I had severe bruising, I was shocked.

Sis thinks his attitude will be that he owns me & if he can't have me then no one will (not that I ever plan to have another relationship), so I am mindful of being careful.

I hate him...

I left a physically violent partner when I was pregnant. My siuation was different to yours, we wern't married, we were renting a little flat, I was employed and had some savings. I contacted Women's Aid who were willing to help. It's not easy, leaving your home and starting again is a scary prospect. In the end I opted to stay with my db until I made my own living arrangements. I didn't tell him I was leaving I went while he was at work.

I'd suggest that you don't tell him you're thinking of leaving or he might start playing dirty even get violent. So get in contact with your sister, tell her your plans, speak to citizens advice, a solicitor, find out your options. Talk to Women's Aid.

Well done for getting away x

Did you report him to the police when he attacked you? I'm guessing not. That's the truth here. You're married to a violent and abusive criminal. Worse... your poor kids (and I know you'll tell me he's a 'great dad' and they 'love him') are having to share a home with this man, probably as anxious as you to keep him sweet so that they don't get in the firing line.

Glad you're getting some information. You're going to have to act smart and keep your head to exit this relationship and your sister (who I am growing more fond of by the minute and who is a complete diamond) is quite right to worry that if he's attacked you once, he'll do it again.

So please be careful while you get your things together and work out a place to go etc.

I wish I could give more practical advice. As a 48 year old woman, a mother, you deserve a hell of a lot more respect than this.

What you describe is classic dv controlling abusive behaviour.

I think now's a good time to do it too, as I know it will be an upheaval for the kids but at least it will be before GSCE's? I'm guessing by their ages?

He sounds like a manipulative coward. I would doubt very much that were you to kick his snivelling arse out onto the street he would start a war.

Stand up to him, show him you are not going to be shoved about. Make sure he knows you have no hesitation in phoning the police the second he so much as threatens anything.

You will have a really goodlife without him in it.......... so much better than it is now.

You need to end this very soon for your and the DCs sake.

Balotelli if he has already physically abused her, then there's a pretty high chance he will attack and hurt the OP badly if she crosses him again.

In this case she really does need to be careful and not let him know she's planning her escape. Calling the police is a fine idea, but that might be hard if she's being beaten or restrained by someone physically much more powerful than her.

Listen to your lovely sister, she is right. He does think he owns you, can do what he wants with you, and if he can't have you then no-one will. I think he probably also looks on your DCs as possessions too rather than people in their own right.