unsure what im doing

[kittykat10]

hi i asked for advise previously about friends with benifits, well i didnt actually go down that line although we did have sex before xmas before i found out he was seeing some one , please dont think bad of me if id known i wouldnt have but i did and nothing can change that.
i did it as i wanted to be wanted , right now i feel i have nothing no job, no uni place any more long story but i messed up at work nothing major in my eyes but obviously it is for the breast feeding mafia we have in this country which has basically lost me my job.
any way just so low now even negative attention from ex means world to me , i have been texting some one and we seem to get on well but i cant seem to pin him down to meet me.
i know people wont have the answers but i guess i needed some one to talk to.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It may sound shallow but could you scrape together the cash to get a manicure/hair-cut/facial? One side-effect of stress and depression is that you can let personal grooming slide. A sesh at the salon might give you a lift.

[kittykat10]

i do my own hair and nails and try to look good , had an accident recently so skin gone a bit crap and my hair dont grow any more so frightened to get it cut as it really the only thing that make me half decent looking. plus at mo broke i have a car 2 pay for so struggling with thatcant afford treats

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your hair doesn't grow? Have you spoken to your doctor about that?

[kittykat10]

it must grow as i get dark roots but i never have to cut it

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's probably breaking off at a certain length. This is when beauty advisers suggest a 'good hair cut'... taking it back more than normal to get past all the split ends etc.

So how's today looking? What's going to change?

[Allergictoironing]

OK then your hair has a condition problem, either the ends are breaking off easily or it's shedding as fast as it grows. If you've had an accident recently & it's affecting your skin, there's a good chance the same thing is affecting your hair - but equally both skin & hair issues could be caused by stress and have nothing to do with your accident.

Do you use a good quality shampoo & conditioner? I know many people are just fine with cheap stuff but my hair is a nightmare if i don't use high quality products, use treatments on it etc, and general health/stress issues mean you need to take particularly good care of it.

I know this seems a little off topic & not that relevant to the OP, but feeling good about yourself is really important especially if you're depressed about other things. And having nice shiny hair is almost guaranteed to make someone feel better about themselves

[kittykat10]

well i have made an effort with make up and hair today first time in a few weeks and got clean clothes on im not going any where but made a little effort
ive got some vitamins that may help as well since october my diet has been awful .
as for shampoo etc i buy whats on offer but did splash out on some oil for my hair which helps.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

In my 'real life' I have big interest in diet-related issues. Even mild malnutrition can cause psychological/behavioural problems. Remember Jamie Oliver's school campaign where it was pointed out that malnourished kids find it difficult to concentrate etc? The same thing applies (no surprises) to adults only we end up not failing at maths but feeling down, anxious, unable to cope... skin/hair/nails suffering. Vitamins aren't a bad measure but good, real (not processed) food is best of all

And can I recommend you revise 'not going anywhere' to 'a walk outside'? It may be cold and cloudy but daylight is important for elevating mood and even light exercise like walking is beneficial.

[kittykat10]

ive walked my dog already today , i have been living on junk food basicaly i had an eatinhg disorder before never actaully diagnosed but im not an idiot i know what i was doing to loose weight

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sounds like today is already a better day than yesterday then. What was the nature of your eating disorder?

[kittykat10]

id skip meals maybe live on 1 a day and then sometimes id throw up i went down to 6 n half stone

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh dear that's terrible. Was it a long time ago or do you still find, at times of stress, your first instinct is to deny yourself food? And when you referred to yourself as 'fat' earlier, are you actually overweight or do you just use it in the pejorative sense?

[kittykat10]

im 12 stone with huge boobs so guess they weigh a bit lol , i diddnt in front of people at work and when we had cakes etc id avoid it, ive been as big as 16 stone before

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't you think it would be a good idea, in the circumstances, to see your GP for a physical check-up and mention all of these things at the same time? You seem like someone with a lot of (don't take this the wrong way) neuroses and I'm sure you'd benefit from some one-on-one therapy where you can work on better ways to cope with life than entertaining 'friend with benefits' arrangements or feeling uncomfortable eating cakes.

[kittykat10]

ill be fine

[Allergictoironing]

Kittykat10 you came here asking for advice. The wonderful and extremely wise Cogito has spent a fair bit of time advising you on all these things you are crying about, which she has very good knowledge of.

To dismiss everything she says with "I'll be fine" sort of implies you didn't come here for any advice at all unless it fitted in with what you wanted, which is really rather sad as the advice given is good and WILL help you if you listen to it

[dequoisagitil]

Ok, I'm sure you can really see ways forward - but they frighten you because you're afraid of change or that if you are you're best 'you' you still won't be 'good enough'.

BUT - your self-doubting voice is wrong about you.

It's far easier to continue as you are when it's someone's else fault for not seeing you as you could be.

I am being harsh. But, please go back to the GP, get some counselling or CBT, start looking to the future.

Only you can change your life for the better.

[kittykat10]

to be honest all gp seems concerened over is am i going to kill myself im not that stupid im not saying i havent thought it but who would look after my family and my dog , sounds stupid but yes she is a child substitute.
i have found an online cbt thing maybe that would help

[kittykat10]

well i made an effort and asked the girls i trained with last year to lunch both said to busy with uni work , but least i tried, to be honest i knew that was going to be the case but wanted to give it a shot.

[Allergictoironing]

kittykat10 one single half-hearted effort to ask a couple of people to lunch doesn't really equate with making a concerted effort to change.

It seems that whatever anyone suggests you are finding some excuse for not trying it, and even if you do try then you only pay lip service to it.

Sorry to disappoint you, but there is NO magic bullet that will quickly and easily, with no real effort on your part, change your life instantly for the better. The posters here may be good, but no-one is THAT good!

[kittykat10]

i thought it was some effort especially considering it would be a difficult experience

[Allergictoironing]

Some effort is not enough I'm afraid. We recommended you ask your doctor for counselling or CBT, and your response is to do it on line - that really isn't as effective as seeing someone & WHY not do it the way we suggested? On line is not a substitute for one on one therapy, it really isn't.

You have poor skin & hair, you know that this must be related to either diet or have a medical reason, yet you don't seem willing to change from your junk food diet or see a doctor about it. Poor physical health can have an effect on mental health and vice versa, so you need to try to get one sorted or the other.

You said all gp seems concerened over is am i going to kill myself im not that stupid im not saying i havent thought it but who would look after my family and my dog , which suggests you've seen your GP about this. However did you really explain just how dreadful you feel, were you offered anti-depressants, and if so did you accept them?

Having been there myself, I wouldn't tell someone sufferening from depression to "buck up", "get a grip" or anything like that but you do need help to sort of kick start yourself a bit, and that's where the little happy pills do help. Proper one to one counselling helps too.

[kittykat10]

ive got antidepressants from the dr and i am trying to improve my diet, kinda difficult wen have no meony comming in, i am sorry if you think i am ungratful coz im not i didnt want to talk to my gp as he is someone i used to work with

[Allergictoironing]

OK well that's a good start .

I did find I could eat half reasonably on the same money as cheap junk food, you just have to think really hard about how to stretch the money & make the most of what you can afford e.g. using brown bread instead of white as it's healthier (only a little I know if it's cheap stuff but better than nothing), looking for offers like getting meat from the "oops nearly sell by date" cheap shelf etc.

If you're having a problem opening up to your GP because you knew him before, then you really need to change him. It's a perfectly valid reason for changing and no-one will think there's anything strange about it and you definitely need someone you CAN be completely honest & open with.

[dequoisagitil]

I second the suggestion to change GP - it's no point at all in going to see someone you're not comfortable with. Ask to see someone else at the practice or change surgeries, and be honest with him/her about how you're feeling.

It's good that you reached out to your course mates, sorry it was a knock-back, but well done.