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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

*Sex* - Now Ive got your attention, anyone else had this problem?

32 replies

Bertsmum · 18/04/2006 14:21

I've never started or taken part in a discussion on mumsnet so bear with me but something just came up recently and I'm not sure where to start really... Our daughter is 2 and a bit and I'm 20wks preg and my DH has confessed to me that the reason he hasnt initiated sex since DD's birth is because he has a problem with - lets be blunt here - my vagina, since the birth.

This came out during a row about something completely different, when I was on a ...'and another thing'... tac - he feels terrible and inadequate that the birth of our DD has affected him in this way and has reassured me that he still loves and fancies me but cant get over the sound of the consultant doing the episiotomy (hope I spelt that right!). I feel bad for him and having been initially terribly upset now want to find a way over this hurdle. Any ideas????

OP posts:
sixtwosix · 18/04/2006 14:23

not a one!
but obviously it wasnt so bad that he couldnt have sex again.
and since you will be giving birth again?? what does he intend to do?

SleepySuzy · 18/04/2006 14:24

OMG! I'm never gonna get this out of my head now. I had a C section, so don't know how you feel. But I hope you get sorted :(

Upsadaisy · 18/04/2006 14:25

The sound of consultant doing the episeotomy....OUCH!!!!!

MumsnetViper · 18/04/2006 14:26

oh god yes i remember that sound clearly myself. So does DP. Im sorry, i have no advice though.

LadyTophamHatt · 18/04/2006 14:32

errrmmm, can I be really blunt??

What about you having the episiotomy??
It's your bits that were being "seen to"

Sorry, I'd tell my Dh to get a grip.

secur · 18/04/2006 14:38

I think he def needs to take LTH's advice - as this is clearly a problem for you both then perhaps a trip or two to councelling would be good?

Things like positive rejection when the sound comes into his head? (ie if he starts to get "that feeling" then he activly decides not to have it and thinks about something else instead - his favorite song, what happened at his 16th birthday party - anything at all as long as he forces himself to stop the "bad stuff" coming through)

It does work in the end - and it gets easier to do with [practice.

Tortington · 18/04/2006 14:42

i would deffo tell him to stop being such a wimpy weed, grow some muscles and eat some sprouts, the big turd.

so no advice really :)

Auntymandy · 18/04/2006 14:45

tell him to have a close look and see if it has really changed!!!

no seriously, tell him it doesnt hurt now and it wont tear, maybe thats what he is worried about?

LadyTophamHatt · 18/04/2006 14:54

Glad some of you agree.
don't normally do Blunt on here!

Honestly bertsmums, I'd be really quite pissed off if my Dh felt like this. after all that really sharp, scary blade wasn't anywhere near his willy, was it?
And then you went on to give him a daughter after it!

But maybe I'm just a heartless bitch.

(hope I haven't put you off MN bertsmum, seeing as this is your first post n' all. we're nice really Grin)

acnebride · 18/04/2006 15:08

tbh i think it is fair that he has been affected by this, I might be quite affected if i had to watch my dh have ECT (for example) or even a vasectomy. (sorry bertsmum, this is more reacting to other people's posts than yours).

i'd agree with others that he could talk with his GP who might be able to suggest a counsellor perhaps with experience of phobia work, as it sounds similar to a phobia to me. (I'm not medically qualified in any way BTW!)

best wishes to you both.

bourneville · 18/04/2006 15:57

HI bertsmum i haven't got any advice myself but i wanted counter what others have said too! Assuming that the "problem" he has is for your sake, like, afraid of hurting you or whatever, it's natural that he would have "issues" and imo better than a guy being completely detached and insensitive to what their partner might have been through. (at first it sounded like you meant he doesn't like it any more/feels different to him etc). I sometimes wonder if my boyf (who i have been with since i was pg) ever thinks about it (he wasn't present at the birth or episiotomy) and if it affects him psychologically cos tbh i cannot imagine it NOT affecting him.
So, yes, girls, we went through a hell of a lot worse - it was to our bodies etc etc - but why can't you allow it to be difficult for the partner too? It is perfectly reasonable for childbirth to shock the man who usually has such an intimate pleasurable relationship with that specific part of our bodies!!

daisy1999 · 18/04/2006 16:07

omg we are far to "understanding" of people's problems. When did men become so flipping wet? I'm afraid I would tell him to toughen up and pull himself together!!

bourneville · 18/04/2006 16:13

but if your dp was being as harsh as you are when you couldn't deal with sexual issues post childbirth, how would you feel? I used to suffer from viginismus (pre dd) and it was v important that my partner (ex) was v supportive/patient/understanding rather than telling me i was being "wet" or whatever! (lol at choice of word! Grin)

there are so many threads about partners pressurising their women for sex when the women aren't up/ready for it...........

LadyTophamHatt · 18/04/2006 16:17

yes but bounville, as I said the scary sharpe thing wasn't anywhere near his wanger.

If Bertsmums says its fine, doesn't hurt, she's enjoys it etc etc why is there a problem.

ok yes I know it goes a bit deeper(excuse the pun) than this. the mind is a complex thing etc etc etc but for me I'd be pissed right off!

daisy1999 · 18/04/2006 16:18

sorry bournville but I stand by my "pull yourself together man" attitude. I don't like weepy, weak men Grin

nooka · 18/04/2006 16:19

I don't think that this is that uncommon. And telling your dh to get over it isn't exactly going to help him feel loving towards you is it? I'd ask him if he'd be up for some counseling, and contact Relate or something like that. I used to get inappropriate thoughts during sex that really killed my libedo and doing stuff along secur's post has helped me to move on. It's worth (if he is OK to talk about it) talking it through - what exactly is it that gets him, because it may be a simple flashback thing, or it may be that he has some underlying concerns about hurting you, or that you somehow aren't the same. I bet there are books on this sort of post childbirth issue too, that might help. It's a pity that guys don't talk to each other about this sort of thing, because I think that that's how women tend to get over this sort of thing.

bourneville · 18/04/2006 16:22

exactly nooka, sex isn't just a physical act that you can detach yourself psychologically/emotionally from. I think we are used to thinking of men as doing just that, or that they should be up for it any time & place, when in fact that isn't the case at all. And totally agree that telling him to stop being wet & to pull himself together will just make it worse and pile the pressure on.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 18/04/2006 16:30

I think you've both taken huge steps in countering this already - him by telling you (shame it took him so long), you, by getting over your (understandable) initial upset and realising its a hurdle to be got over toegther. imho you're half way there. I reckon you need to do some research together about episiotomies. about what they are, how they heal, how sex can be perfectly enoyable all round afterwards; you need to wave a mirror down there and look at it together and talk about it. hell, maybe even laugh about it. Now this is out in the open I reckon you could at least try to get over it together without going to your gp or thinking about counselling.

And those of you who say it was done to us/bertsmum and not the men are missing 2 crucial facts 1 - most of us had anaesthetic and 2 most of us haven't got a clue what it all looked like cos we were in no position to look.

Original poster
Bertsmum · 18/04/2006 16:41

Bloody hell! Over whelmed by the response thought there'd be no one around on Tues afternoon. Laughed my head off at some of the responses but great to hear from everyone.

First of all, I feel it was very brave of him to actually tell me as he felt really bad about it. He was at 'the head end' but remembers clearly the sound of carpet being cut through 'with difficulty'!!! I remember nothing of this as my gorgeous DD was taking to the boob and the epi was still in full effect. I also had no probs from stitches and forgot about the whole episode v quickly.

I will talk to him in more detail but really feel that abit a counselling might be the best thing but wondered if anyone knew of any books.

The irony is that for almost a year after the birth, I found sex quite uncomfortable/painful and was convinced they 'put in a extra stitch for daddy' but DH didnt notice any difference - spose he wouldnt have if was thinking about laying carpet and not me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bertsmum · 18/04/2006 16:50

Christ, talking is one thing and laughing I can do - but mirrors I'm 20weeks preg again remember- and its all just begining to spread out 'down there' if we both peer at it we'll never want to get at it again!!

I almost thought maybe We should ignore the prob until after next baby, as I'm not madly sexy at the mo but think if it sits between us it might GROW!

OP posts:
bourneville · 18/04/2006 17:46

Can't believe it would sound like a carpet being cut! I'm not aware that there was any sound but then i was too busy breathing heavily on gas & air and going ow!!! (no epi Envy)
Seriously i have read stuff about partners being traumatised by the whole event, i really do think it is unfair to dismiss their issues.

JVickers · 19/04/2006 13:48

if he feels uncomfortable with counselling with having to talk to a stranger, I had hypno-therapy and it was great. It also has faster results, as the therapist talks directly to your sub-conscious.

Jo x

Ironmaiden · 19/04/2006 14:15

My god, it was your body going through agony, your skin that was cut. I think the real issue here is why is your dh not more sympathetic to your trauma? You went through it, not him, it sounded horrific because it was (speaking from experience here) He should be concerned about you not himself.

It's been over 2 years. He's got a sound in his head, big deal, you are scarred for life.

anniemac · 19/04/2006 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JVickers · 19/04/2006 14:19

My DH is very squeamish and so during the labour I instructed him to keep away from the business end. True I was the one in pain and pushing and I also tored but I didn't see what was going on down there and didn't see what it looked like so can't comment on any post associations that could be made.

Hope you work it out!
Jo x

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