Did your Dh/Dp turn nasty when you left?

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Has anybody else's dh/dp turned nasty and/or crazy when leaving them?

I have decided to leave my dh after years of feeling nothing. I have posted here re the background to how I've got to this stage. (Have name-changed though)But basically it's after years of neglect and no love. No attention to me or kids. Totally obsessed with work. There's obviously a lot more to this but this post will be way too long if i go into all the details.

We have dcs and I've only really hung on this long for their sake but things have been getting worse and the last year has been absolutely horrendous.

I told him how I felt over a year ago but he just does not want to accept it that this is the way I feel.

He has tried to change and tried to become the guy I've wanted him to be but it's too late. I just do not feel anything at all for him. I feel like all the years he was emotionally and physically absent from our marriage, I moved on and have become a different person.

We have been sleeping in separate rooms for years and have zero physical relationship. These days we do not even speak to each other. The atmosphere in the house is horrible and I don't want the kids growing up thinking this is normal.

Anyway, he has become extremely paranoid and is hanging onto our non existent marriage for dear life. He says I do not know what I'm doing, I'm not thinking straight, I'm going to regret my decision, I will be alone for the rest of my life, he hopes I will meet someone who will treat me the way I am treating him etc etc. he thinks I'm having an affair with my business partner (I'm not) and says he prays that me and bp die and our business fails.

He texts me day and night. Non stop. A few months back he slapped me after I told him to 'shut up' after he said something really hurtful about me to dc.

I've only stayed this long for the kids and also because I didn't just want to walk out of the house with the kids with all this hostility and ill feelings. I wanted him to come to terms with it and be civilised regarding the kids etc. but I don't think he is ever going to accept it.

He is very close to my family and talks to them daily. My family all support him and say I'm doing the wrong thing by leaving him. I know once I leave they will not be there for me but will still stay in touch with him.

Anyway, what I wanted to ask was how did other people's dh/dp's react when they left? Did they turn crazy and start saying all kinds of hurtful things?
How did you physically leave the house if you left and not them? I don't want to leave in the middle of the night with small dcs or when he's gone out. But the way he is now, I might have to as I don't think he will let me out the front door.

Any advice or experiences would be welcome :-(

I know, when my exH told me he was leaving for someone else, I certainly went a little crazy, said hurtful things and was ever-so-slightly bonkers for a while. But he had physically left the home by that stage and it was before the days of text messages.

Remind me why you're leaving rather than making him leave?

Sorry... missed the bit abut him hitting you. If he reacts that way, prevents you from going out of the door or displays any other form of physical, verbal or emotional aggression (including the abusive texts) then it's game over and you call the police. They'll make him leave. Stay safe.

Oh yes, XH would have turned crazy when we split, except that he was so crazy already it was fairly hard to tell the difference.

I know it's not easy to think straight when you're in a mind-bending situation, but run this past your logic processor. What, exactly, is the advantage to your soon-to-be-ex husband in accepting that you want to leave? Is it not, rather, in his interests to carry on pretending you either don't want to leave or have your own sneaky agenda? Isn't it better for him to ignore what you want and carry on with the status quo? Well then - he's not going to just accept it, is he? You're going to have to get on with it without his co-operation, at least in the early stages. It's not easy but it's doable, and sooo worth it.

Your family sound unpleasant, and are probably what set you up to find yourself in a bad marriage in the first place.

Hi cogito, we don't own our home and I have decided to move to another town... I totally understand why he's hurt and upset, of course I do. But the things he's saying are really nasty and really wearing me down.

You have my sympathy - my xh has done his best to try make my life miserable since I left. FWIW, one day when I was having a moan ranting about him, my current dp gave me a big lecture about male pride and how once it's been hurt, it stays hurt and after that you can never do anything right
This makes a lot of sense though and helps me to take xh's strops and rants and niggles a lot less 'personally'
Good luck

Annie my family were not always like this, he has totally brainwashed them and actually, he is such a lovely guy normally, would do anything for anyone. Everyone loves him and dcs adore him now. My family cannot believe that he has said/done anything out of malice. They say 'what do you expect him to say/do when you are taking kids away from him'

"But the things he's saying are really nasty and really wearing me down."

Slapping you was not 'nasty' it was criminal. Please talk to your local police because what you're suffering is domestic abuse and you need protection. The Womens Aid charity may also be able to give you some pointers on how to get yourself to a place of safety.

I haven't got direct experience of this OP. However, I do know from my reading on the subject that the most dangerous time for a woman is the time when she actually leaves an abusive man, and over the following weeks and months. Unless he is a complete psycho, things often calm down by a year.

My reading on the subject always recommends that if you are leaving an emotionally unstable or abusive man to plan it carefully in advance and make sure you are as prepared, protected and safe as possible. Women's Aid could help you there.

As regards the reasons - I am not entirely sure. I think it can be about "abandonment" issues they have. Also "ownership" (he feels he owns you, that you are not a separate person).

It sounds like a horrible situation you are in at home. I hope you find the best way forward for yourself and your children.

"My family cannot believe that he has said/done anything out of malice."

Do your family know that he hit you? A family that doesn't support its own when they need help most is not worth a candle.

Thanks for all your replies x

Cogito my family do know. But they didn't do/say anything about it. Maybe they think I deserved it. He did.

Jane, thanks for your reply too. He only hit me that one time, it was extremely out of character for him. I don't think he would do it again.

I just want him to accept that this is how I feel and nothing is going to change my mind now.

He slapped you. That is domestic violence, and it is a matter that should be recorded with the police.

If he ever threatens you or the DC or displays any physical aggression again, call the police right then and there.

The fact that he knows you want to leave makes this the most dangerous time for you and DC. You MUST do everything you can to stay safe - such as moving out earlier than planned. Or temporarily moving to a trusted friend's house (your family are clearly no use - avoid them. You really do not need them undermining you at this time).

He is responsible for managing his own emotions. The things he is saying and doing show that he is making you responsible for his emotions. This is a very dangerous situation to be in, especially if you are willing to believe him.

In my case our couples counsellor (who knew I was being abused) convinced my exH to leave the house and rent elsewhere (he allowed himself to believe that it was to give me breathing space, since he wouldn't accept that I meant it when I said it was over). I'm not sure if you have any trusted third parties who could do that for you, though? So do look into moving yourself and DC out asap.

I just want him to accept that this is how I feel and nothing is going to change my mind now.

He will only accept it in his own time, if he ever does. Stop trying to get him to see your pov - he won't. Just go ahead with your plans and focusing on your needs. You don't need his agreement or blessing to leave him.

I'm sorry your family are such a horrible bunch of people. You have small DCs... if one of them came to you and said their 'friend' had hit them, shouted at them and generally treated them badly... would you say 'it's your own fault'? No.

Men who slap women invariably go on to do it again. It is not 'out of character', it is entirely consistent with the bullying, hectoring, nasty man you are describing. You are frightened of his response.... he is dangerous.

HotDamn, I don't have any friends here and there is no where else for me to go.

If it wasn't for the kids, I would have long gone.

I hate this situation and the constant atmosphere and tension. It's soul destroying.

Cogito honestly my family are not that bad, but they def are not supporting me at all. My parents are retired and not in best health and I hate to burden them with all this.

Hotdamn, I know you are right. I can't hang around waiting for his approval because of course I'm never going to get it. But I feel so guilty for leaving him alone, he loves the kids and is so good with them

What do the kids gain exactly, being in a house where their mother is being bullied and abused?

If he treats you badly, his love for the children is irrelevant. If he treats you badly, that is not cancelled out by being good with kids. By treating you badly your children are being damaged.

Your family may have been conned by this manipulative man into believing he'sa saint (when he is actually just an unpleasantloser) or they may have alwya believed that wommen exist for men's benefit and are men's property, which is bullshit. You do not need his permission or theirs to leave this man. As others have said, it's best to make your plans 1quickly because losers like him do become troublesome and sometimes dangerous when stood up to.

And when you've got your new home, remember that you can lock him out of it completely, he will have no right of entry to it at all even if you are not yet divorced. Insist that his contact withDCs takes place elsewhere and never allow him over the threshold. You are not property and you cancut him almost entirely out of your life - if he persists in harassing you, you can have all contact arrangements for the DC done viaa third party and a court order in place to p0reventing him contacting you in any way.

As HotDamn says, just knowing you want to leave is a dangerous time as you have found (emotionally or physically) - as well as the actual time you leave.

I did not want to sound alarming OP but it is good to plan ahead so you can protect both yourself and your children physically and emotionally at this time.

Being paranoid and sending you texts non-stop night and day is not normal behaviour IMO, so please take care of yourself.

Cogito, your thread about warring parents was really helpful. I never want my kids growing up thinking this is normal. I'm doing this for mostly their sake, even though dh says I'm doing it for my own selfish reasons.

He thinks it's ok to live like this as at least kids have both parents. He reckons my feelings for him will come back if I give myself the chance to love him... Hmmm.

SolidGold, just the thought of being in my own home feels like a dream.

Not dreading hearing him turn the key in the front door and coming in. Or me returning home from work and he is there when I just want to sit and relax with kids.

I've mentally moved out months ago. Just need a kick up the bum to physically move now. Finding it so hard though.

I know it's hard, love.
But you need to do it, only you can do it, and you will feel SO much better when you are in that place of your own, where you can breathe easily and don't need to fear hearing a key in the lock anymore.

just the thought of being in my own home feels like a dream.

Having left an abusive marriage, I am living this dream.

You can too, your kids will thank you for it. You will also thank yourself for it.

Bandaid, do it fast.
It will hurt, but it's over quickly.

Get a plan and start working on it.
If you are renting, then just get a new place and move out. Yes, even if he is out.
He's the one making it difficult. Nobody can force anyone to stay in a marriage.

And start divorce proceedings with a solicitor, if you can.

You say he's so good with the kids and loves them, but initially you said: No attention to me or kids. Totally obsessed with work.
There's your excuse to stay for the kids gone.

You don't have to be married to him for the kids to see him. You don't have to live with him for them to see him.

Think of it this way, he works, so probably only spends an hour or two with the kids each day depending on their age. So instead of having that parenting time each day it is going to be compressed into his contact days. As long as you have no concerns about their safety they can see him still. Don't think that it is a better situation for them to be witness to all of this.

Have you suggested family mediation?