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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Desperately want another baby, husband says no. Heartbroken.

39 replies

cremecaramel27 · 04/01/2013 09:30

We have a son who is nearly two and I love him dearly. I have always wanted another child, but my husband says no - he doesn't want to go back to the no sleep stage, and other excuses such as we don't have space, it's a financial burden, another mouth to feed... I'm completely heartbroken and devastated - we had always agreed on two children. I'm in my mid-thirties and considering leaving him as I don't think I can live with a life of resentment towards him. I don't think it's fair to bring up our boy with a mum that resents his dad, but then i also think is it fair to bring him up as a single parent? I don't know what to do. Please help!

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 04/01/2013 09:36

Does DH know how you feel?

lilacbaubles · 04/01/2013 09:40

How tight are things financially? How many bedrooms do you have? Do you agree with DH's objections, or think some of them unreasonable?

It sounds to me like there is more going on than having another baby. DP and I met when I had been sterilised, so we can never have a child together although we have three between us. My relationship with DP is far more important to me than the child we cannot have.

Original poster

cremecaramel27 · 04/01/2013 09:45

He knows how I feel and how upset I am.

We are fairly secure, have three bedrooms, and don't agree with his objections. I did/do most of the getting up in the night, and always let him have a good nights sleep on nights when he has to get up for work.

I feel for you lilacbaubles, but it's difficult when you feel like your husband is withholding a baby from you for purely selfish reasons.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2013 09:45

Steady on before you leave him. Being realistic, it's unlikely you'll meet someone else in the time you have available.

Could you two have counselling before you make a decision?

I have to say I don't like the thought of my children's father talking about them being 'a mouth to feed.'

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2013 09:46

Do you work outside the home, OP? If so, who cares for your baby now when you're at work and is it affordable for you both to have another child?

lilacbaubles · 04/01/2013 09:48

What is he like with your DS? Is he very involved and obviously enjoying him? If so, he might think he can't love another as much, and if not, might think that fatherhood isn't so great and two DC won't make it any better, maybe?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 09:54

There has to be more to this than the decision to have another child or not. Has the relationship been struggling in other respects? Sometimes people fight shy of more children & make up excuses if they think the relationship isn't going that well.

Original poster

cremecaramel27 · 04/01/2013 10:06

I work outside of the home, but only part-time. My wage is mainly to cover childcare costs, with little left over (thanks government) so it wouldn't hit us too hard if I stopped work.

He loves our son dearly, and is very involved and enjoys it (apart from nights when he doesn't sleep so well (rare)).

Our relationship has been going well, and we've been together 10 years.

To be honest I'm not sure if I could get him to go to counselling. I can't see him willingly go and talk about his feelings to a stranger. He's not that kind of man.

OP posts:

StupidFlanders · 04/01/2013 10:08

It doesn't sound fair for him to tell you now that he has changed his mind when your circumstances seem good. I can see where you're coming from because I would find that very hard but there's not much you can do if someone doesn't want a child.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 10:11

Then you have to engage in what sales trainers call 'objection handling'. It means you take each objection and demonstrate why it is not a barrier.... then go to the next objection. Ultimately, once you've handled all the stated objections you'll get to the one he isn't currently telling you. That will be the real objection. Whole process has to be managed calmly and constructively... so pick your moment and try to be methodical rather than emotional. But be prepared also that the fundamental objection may not be something you want to hear.

dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 10:22

Talk it through as Cog recommends to find out what if anything lies behind his change of heart.

But at base, he has the right to change his mind. You might find that you can adapt and accept this really - your broodiness may pass and you may not necessarily resent him ever after.

How old are you? If you have a lot of possible child-bearing years ahead still, I'd recommend you give it a bit of time and see if your desire for a second dissipates and how you feel about your dh generally after this. If you don't have the time to spare, then I guess it is going to have to be a choice.

HeyHoHereWeGo · 04/01/2013 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cremecaramel27 · 04/01/2013 15:10

Thanks, some great advice here!

Also, no, no chance of an other woman. That I'm sure of. I think the issue might be him competing for my attention - with one child it's hard, but with two I think he thinks it would be impossible.

OP posts:

elizaregina · 04/01/2013 18:15

Its such a shame - he is putting alot of " ifs" in there, i like cogs strategy....

each baby is so differnet the next may be more work or less..or same...

i remeber reading a similar thread to this a long time ago and a few ladies came on said either they had broken up with partner/husband who said they didnt want another - and then it was too late for them and also - more horrendously - some men said they didnt want children or another child promptly left that wife and went onto have MORE children with other women !!!

its a shame he wont go to counselling, in a funny way - its actually better to talk feelings to a stranger - i went with dh and i was amazed at what flowed out - both quite shy!

its a shame he wont even try it - relate for example may not be for everyone and you need a good counsellor however - it does work for alot of people...a counsellor would also have the language to make him see the situation from your side too

i think if it was me i would be saying unless he will go for counselling and at least dicuss it - then have to have another....

also i would be asking myself - if he left me or something happened to him, how would i feel then being too old to have another?

FWIW after three children all of whom were teenagers when my DM accidently fell preggers my DF was ADAMANT he didnt want a fourth child - usual money issues althouhg at that time they were very well financially off - of course she did have me and I can honeslty say both of them were very very happy about that!

lilacbaubles · 04/01/2013 18:24

unless he will go for counselling and at least dicuss it - then have to have another

Surely there is no have about it, for two people in a relationship it's a joint decision and not one that can be imposed on one person by the other. However, an accidental pregnancy is a different matter to a planned one.

Mu1berryBush · 04/01/2013 18:29

Just to pick up on a point you've made, it's not "unfair" to bring him up as a single parent you know. That's not some form of abuse . IF your husband is a good Father he can carry on being a good father from a few hundred metres further down the road.

Mu1berryBush · 04/01/2013 18:30

@heyherewegoherewego, I'm afraid I thought that the 'd'h might not be committed to a future with his wife. He might be thinking that maybe the future is a divorce, not another child and happily ever after with more kids. But a man can't SAY that when the thoughts are still sorting themselves out.

AndLibbyMakesThree · 04/01/2013 20:50

I was in a similar position to you - had one son, really wanted another child, but DP said no. We ended up splitting up, because I knew that I'd resent him so much and didn't feel I'd ever be able to be happy with him - I would just see the man who denied me the second child I wanted so much, and the brother/sister I wanted DS to have.

However, I have to say that at the time our relationship was ok, but not great. If I'd been happy with him in nearly every other way, I might have made a different decision and felt it was better to be with him with only one child rather than leave him and break up our family.

In my case I think leaving DP was the right thing to do (although I knew I wouldn't have another child with anyone else as I was already over 40).

I think Cogito has given good advice, and I'd also second the advice of others and see if you can persuade him to go to counselling - it's got to be worth a try.

maleview70 · 04/01/2013 21:47

Tricky one isn't it.

I am on the other side of this. My DW wants another one. I don't.

When we got together we had a discussion. I said I didnt want anymore children (I had one from first marriage). I therefore said we should split up as it was unfair to expect her to have no children. After a month apart We then discussed things again as she didn't want to break up. I thought about things and agreed that I would have one if our relationship worked out. We married and had a beautiful little girl whom I love very much. I don't however want anymore. I am 42 and just don't want to go through it all again.

I think it's unfair that she keeps bringing it up. I feel like you in a way but the other way. We had a deal and now it's being challenged.

Frustrates me and I'm sure it must frustrate you the same.

Who is right? Me or her and in your case you or your DH?

Like I said a tricky one.....

janelikesjam · 04/01/2013 22:09

Agree, v. tricky one. I can see how this is hard for you OP, as you both have such a different outlook on this. But if your husband is clear he doesn't want another baby, even if he has changed his mind, I don't think you can "force" him tbh, as he will probably resent you. If its not what you want then perhaps you need to think about other choices...

Cabrinha · 04/01/2013 22:34

It does rather sound like you want counselling in order to get him to change his mind!
Yes, there might be more to it - but equally, his reasons are enough. He has no less right to say no, than you have to say yes. In fact, I think "no" has to trump "yes".
I'm sure that's very hard for you - but this talk of resenting him? Do you otherwise have a successful marriage? If your desire for a second child is so much more important than your relationship with him, I think that means you're not in a strong enough relationship where you should be contemplating more children. I know that's very blunt.
I think the age of your child doesn't help - he's growing out of baby age, plus it's when people around you all seem to be pregnant again. I would stop over thinking the resentment and see how you feel in a year's time.

VoiceofUnreason · 04/01/2013 22:40

I'm with Cabrinha on this. Everyone is entitled to change their minds several years down the road in any relationship. Because things change and people change over time. It's not a situation where he led you to believe he wanted children, married you and then said "I don't ever want children". And I don't think it's necessary fair to call his REASONS for not wanting another child EXCUSES.

You presumably love this man and wanted to be with him for the rest of your life? That's why you married him I assume. Or can you only love him and be with him if he gives you everything you want?

CoolaSchmoola · 05/01/2013 01:09

"it's difficult when you feel like your husband is withholding a baby from you for purely selfish reasons."

I totally understand the desire for a second child OP - but he could also argue that you want another child for "purely selfish reasons".

You want your husband to do what you want - and are calling him selfish for wanting the same.....

mumzy · 05/01/2013 07:59

I'm struck by your phrase "think the issue might be him competing for my attention - with one child it's hard, but with two I think he thinks it would be impossible.". A male relative had a baby with his dw and then changed his mind about a second one for the same reason. he had a pretty ropey childhood and was very insecure in relationships. He found it hard to cope with how much their life changed with having children and couldn't go through with it again. However eventually they did have a second child and he couldn't cope and then had a nervous breakdown. I think your husband isn't being selfish but very honest about his feelings having dc is a major life event which we never known how we will react to it until it happens

Mu1berryBush · 05/01/2013 14:12

@ maleview70, I think that is different because you said upfront you didn't want children and you've already compromised by having one. And that is more of a concession than a compromise really.

I'm 42 as well and far from envying men my age that they can go on having children, I feel sorry for them!! I know it's different for women my age who might be trying still, and not have children, but I'd hate to go back to nappies and all of that. I would HATE it. I want to enjoy what's left of young-ish adulthood.

In the OP's case I think it's different. It's not his second time around is it? He only announced after they were married with one child that he didn't want another. tbh in the op's shoes I think he was mentally checking out.

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