Kids have gone to their dad's. So sad and lonely

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

That's it really.

I separated three months ago after years of misery (some of you will know this, I've done a lot of agonising on here).

We are sharing custody.

Things are going really well with the children, my relationship with them is great now I'm happier in myself without dh.

But I miss them so much. At the beginning I was busy sorting out the house but now I'm not and it feels so empty and pointless without them.

I've just said goodbye until Saturday morning and was bright and breezy as they left.

But the tears started flowing before I'd even shut the door properly and now they won't stop :(

I know it's early days, but it's hitting me that this is the way it is forever now, too.

I remember these days, I used to cry the whole weekend away when oldest DC was at his dads, but it got easier, also I highly recommend getting out

Find a hobby - do something - dont just sit at home, it does drag.

IT band is usually related to weak glutes. Google it... A lot of runners get it band problems and you can work through it. Absolutely!

I have the same feelings about married friends with their kids. When I haven't got mine the last thing I want to do is go around to friends' houses and spend time with theirs. Not because I don't like them. Just because it is hard for me to do.

I know how you feel too, especially about the drinking. I separated from my XH just over 7 years ago now and up until 6 months ago, all I did was drink when DS went to his dads I couldn't bare how I felt, and how the house felt, it was like my life just stopped when DS walked out the door.

Unfortunately I am still feeling as you are now when he goes but like the other posters have said, I think it's just a matter of getting used to having and enjoying "me time"

But you're right to avoid the booze, if you've recognised that it's not doing you any good.

I know how you feel too, especially about the drinking. I separated from my XH just over 7 years ago now and up until 6 months ago, all I did was drink when DS went to his dads I couldn't bare how I felt, and how the house felt, it was like my life just stopped when DS walked out the door.

Unfortunately I am still feeling as you are now when he goes but like the other posters have said, I think it's just a matter of getting used to having and enjoying "me time"

But you're right to avoid the booze, if you've recognised that it's not doing you any good.

I know how you feel too, especially about the drinking. I separated from my XH just over 7 years ago now and up until 6 months ago, all I did was drink when DS went to his dads I couldn't bare how I felt, and how the house felt, it was like my life just stopped when DS walked out the door.

Unfortunately I am still feeling as you are now when he goes but like the other posters have said, I think it's just a matter of getting used to having and enjoying "me time"

But you're right to avoid the booze, if you've recognised that it's not doing you any good.

Oh dear, has my presence killed this thread?? Curse of the newbie

ah lostgirl that's usually my job

I am coupled up, but that would be put to one side if a friend needed some company

Thankfully I've lurked long enough to know this is protocol, think I'll go kill some more

Oh I am so sorry :(
It must be dreadful.
Do be kind to yourself...do something just for you, something special.
X

People always go on about do something for you/for yourself but that's the hard bit. Like a warm bath or a manicure is going to make a difference. And single mothers are often skint and doing stuff for yourself can cost money. And what is yourself when the people you love more than yourself are the other side of town?

That is so true. I feel so low when my kids aren't here that I don't want to do 'nice' things. I think that is why I drank so much. It was a form a self-abuse really. And escapism.

Of course, it's blotting out the misery until your real life starts up again on their return. I feel for you. But of course, as you know, drink makes it worse.

Sorry, didn't mean to sound trite. But alcohol isn't the answer is it?
Is there something you would like to/want to do when the kids are there that you can't do whilst they are there/you are caring for them?
Maybe read a book, watch dvd box set, have a long phone conversation with a friend?
I was pretty ill when my ds1 was about 17 months old and he had to stay at my mils for a few days. It's not the same I know but I vividly remember the feeling of a limb being missing :(
I read lots, watched trashy tv, had very long baths...stuff I couldn't do when I was caring for my son.
I hope you can find a way if making their visits to their dad more bearable x

I don't drink so much these days. Mainly because it makes it worse and makes me feel worse about myself. I don't need that

OP - how are you doing? I pick my kids up at 8am tomorrow and we have 5 nights together. So I am excited and longing for the morning. By Monday I will be feeling sad as I know I only have 2 nights before the handback tho.

Believe me when they get older you will both be frozen out.

What you are doing is great. Split custody is fantastic for the kids. Nothing worse than parents using children as weapons.

A parents job is to do the very best you can for your child until they are old enough to fend for themselves. That time will come sooner than you think especially if they go to university.

Children of parents who stay together with no love left can be horribly tainted and seeing 2 happy parents separately is better than seeing 2 parents unhappy at the same time

This is one of the things that I hate my XH the most for, that in destroying our marriage and family, he now takes my DD away from me for two days at a time. I now have to be parted from DD every other weekend.

It is nice to have some time to myself sometimes, but I miss her terribly when she's not with me.

You do need to fill your time. Go swimming, walking, visit friends, shop in peace,

Hi again

Thanks everyone who has written on here.

I took the dog out earlier and was still weepy when I pounded the pavements and let her run round the park.

So I texted my next door neighbour and invited myself round. They've been incredibly kind to me, really welcoming. She's a sahm and always likes company and he is really nice as well. They've got a little one and don't go out much, and are both on second marriage (no kids from first marriages).

I'm so grateful for them being there, but I try not to ask and wait until I'm invited usually. I couldn't bear it this evening.

I have got loads I could (should) be doing. I'm doing an intense degree and getting really behind. I can't motivate myself to study and have been procrastinating for weeks.

Re friends, dh and I used to have a big social life but I stopped making an effort to entertain as our marriage declined. I've turned down a lot of invitations in the past because I've been too busy studying/doing exams etc. They dried up a while back and it feels impossible to get it restarted now. I'm not even in my home town during the week to meet anyone for coffee.

Also, if I'm honest, drinking has been a problem. I don't have an 'off' button. Have always had social anxiety and felt more relaxed after a few drinks and as I've drunk more, have made a tit of myself at parties, making the social anxiety worse, leading to dreading parties even more. Also dh always really cross about it, always. No support. Outwardly I've always seemed more confident than I am. Low self esteem, toxic mother, MH problems made much worse by EA in my marriage.

And lots of problems in recent years. Even my most patient friends have got tired of my unhappiness.

I feel like I've made a mess of my life and am washed up at 42 and don't know where to start. Trying to be a good mum is helping me get some self esteem back but there is a long way to go. It's the one thing I know I can do well :(

Sorry so long and moaning.

The thought of this scenario is what is keeping me and my DH 'together'. The thought of going days without my children seems too much to cope with (but I do work 12 hour shifts so often don't see them awake anyway)

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone. It's good to hear that it's normal to feel like this.

Hope you feel stronger soon.

It isn't just the missing them, it's the having to rebuild a social life as a single person again - slowly it will come... but only if you plan it. Do you want to join a class and meet more women friends? Yoga is good for that, esp if you get regular days of the week free. If you find a gentle class it will help posture / imbalances. Look at the Breeze website for women to cycle with rideswww.goskyride.com/breeze . Weekends are the hardest so I would try to have at least one thing arranged that's going out with other people (if not friends then some organised group thing) - for each weekend the DCs are away. And let yourself be sad sometimes too, it's all part of it...

Oh tired, definitely not washed up at 42. It's a new start for you, away from an oppressive and controlling man, with your degree in progress, children who love you, and the chance of happiness with a truly caring man in future.

As with all new starts though, things rarely go 100% smoothly, nor is it good every day (contrary to what books, magazines and TV try to tell us about a 'new life' ). This is one of those less good times. We'll be here as you get through it.

BTW I couldn't resist a smile of agreement at maleview's comment re the girls - that you'll both be frozen out when they are older... Though this passes too.

Regarding exercise, how about dancing. Even if you did it home alone, it would get you moving... and might lift your spirits.

Just an idea. We're here if you want us.

Oh OP - there is so much in your post which resonates but I can't respond now as I am just going out the door to pick up my kids and take them down to Devon. We aren't staying with my folks as I broke contact with them in feb after an incident with dd and the police (yes the police) being called when they were in her care. So we are visiting my hometown and staying in a travelodge (booked 2 months ago so costing 25 quid). Seeing cousins then friends in Cornwall for a day too.

I will check back in on Sunday when I am back. I just wanted to say that you are very much not alone in what you are feeling - Mh probs, anxiety, EA, toxic mother - all of those apply to me as well as the drinking

Only one more sleep for you now. Wishing you some peace today x

Perhaps those of us who are missing our kids could help each through today. Check in from time to time. Cheer each other on as we get things done.

I've just been for a brisk walk.
I've eaten an (unhealthy!) breakfast.
I'm making a list of things to do.

Hi tired sorry it's so hard.

I'm a year into the split and, whilst it's much easier (I used to find the pain incapacitating), I still find it hard. FWIW I found it harder over Xmas because it was out of routine. You're bound to find January hard too.

I too can't settle and, for the first time, have used alcohol which scares me. Hell, I smoked between Xmas & new year in my agitated state. I have a very wise therapist who reckons that it's a trauma response and I need to find ways of nurturing & comforting myself.

In case it helps, these are my resolutions for coping better with it in 2013:
Make plans for the times I know will be hardest (eg music lesson then take out curry on the Fridays they go away).
Eat properly and exercise regularly
Remind myself that they are safe, I can let go and rest, that it's not my fault.
Go (alone) to the Sunday morning matinee at the cinema with a coffee.
Pick up my meditation practice again
I will go to local church this Sunday as experiment (DH would have hated that!).
Plan exciting trips both with DC and alone.

Take care. I have a hunch that it just takes quite a while for life to reconstellate and to see who are your real friends.

me and dh split in August but have still been living under the same roof. But he has taken DS away to his parents over new year and although he did similar in Oct this time it hit me much harder.

Some lovely friends invited me to stay over new year though and I ended up staying there for a couple of days instead and did have a good time. I know it is going to hit me even harder once we move (by the end of the month probably).

And things are not helped by my mother whose opinion is that ds shouldn't have a choice, he should be with me because he is mine and actually texted dh to tell him that he shouldn't have expected me to be on my own over new year