Kids have gone to their dad's. So sad and lonely

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

That's it really.

I separated three months ago after years of misery (some of you will know this, I've done a lot of agonising on here).

We are sharing custody.

Things are going really well with the children, my relationship with them is great now I'm happier in myself without dh.

But I miss them so much. At the beginning I was busy sorting out the house but now I'm not and it feels so empty and pointless without them.

I've just said goodbye until Saturday morning and was bright and breezy as they left.

But the tears started flowing before I'd even shut the door properly and now they won't stop :(

I know it's early days, but it's hitting me that this is the way it is forever now, too.

[NoNoNoMYDoIt]

FWIW - since I divorced I have also had to go non- contact with my parents. There was an issue with the kids when they had them which resulted in the police visiting me to do a welfare check so I couldn't take any further risks. I now have no next of kin. No siblings, no husband, no partner and can't name my parents. It is isolating but actually it is fine. It is the situation I am in and I am having to deal with it. I have done the practical stuff - will etc. And I just have to live with it. It is fine actually.

[NoNoNoMYDoIt]

Oh OP. so sorry to hear about your mum. I can imagine it is such a difficult situation to be in. But you need to try to think of these things as discrete 'problems'. Getting back together with your ex isn't going to help in the long run and it probably won't help in the short term. You have taken good steps in sorting out your relationship so if needs be, park that for now and focus for a bit on your mum and helping her. Don't try and lump them all together.

[GoodGirlGoneBad74]

Oh dear! Don´t these things always come at you in clusters?
Keep strong...no point in going back to him now just to kind of use him to get you through this. Then you might end up having to do this all again once things settle down!
Do you have some friends who can support you? Or other family members/siblings? They are who you need right now. Doubt you´ll get the right support from your ex right now...
Fingers crossed for a good outcome xx

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Well I've had them back since yesterday and it's been really lovely. Not doing big deal-type stuff just getting ready to go back to school, sorting them out, feeling like a mum. Dh used to do so much of this and I felt a bit redundant. He's more organised than me but I am learning!

Apart from that it's been shit - my mum rang yesterday to tell me she has breast cancer and is having surgery in a few days. Won't know until then if it has spread. I am not sure how I will cope with my new single life with this going on and I honestly wonder if I should try to work things out with dh if it is bad news, though I have craved freedom for ages. Just because I worry I can't cope on my own and I will need someone, even him. It's such a challenge getting used to this new life, can I manage it with dm ill too?

Dh didn't want the split and told me it wasn't too late even after we'd bought new properties and I was moving out. But he's been detached about the news about dm and his family have completely shunned me (no Xmas card from anyone) so I'm not sure if he'd even try now. Mind is very scrambled.

Dm doesn't live close to me either, she's miles away. We've had a difficult relationship (the milder end of Stately Homes) but the idea of losing her when I feel so isolated right now is horrendous. Trying not to think about it being a possibility and staying positive. Dreading the kids going away next time even more though.

I understand better people who stay together so they don't have to deal with being alone. Life is shit if you marry the wrong person and want to get out because you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

It's easy to see the relationship problems as unbearable and not think about the fact that if you escape you have to live with another kind of misery - not having the children.

Don't know what the answer is really.

[GoodGirlGoneBad74]

Jeez....that´s amazing in this day and age that dads can walk away from their kids so easily!
I mean, I could understand it in our parents´generation when dads were pretty uninvolved, but now days the majority do in fact know how to change a nappy!
And to go from living with your kids 24/7 to barely having them in your life....WTF?
And I was posting here while thoroughly enjoying a break from my kids, but Jeez....there´s having time to yourself and there´s totally walking away!
Oops, sorry! Ranting a bit, just shocked at these dads tbh

[Skyebluesapphire]

My XH kept quoting his "equal rights" but never wanted her equal time. He didnt have her one extra day in the holidays last year due to work, then went abroad for a week with friends.

He has now agreed to have her on Mondays in school holidays, on his weekends.....

He moved twenty miles away and now moans about the drive over, so there is no way he would do week on week off as he would not be able to work or bring her to school.....

It's all about him apparently

[GoodGirlGoneBad74]

Thanks NoNoNo...sorry, don´t mean to hijack thread with my own QnA here! Just trying to make some tough decisions, so thanks for sharing everyone

[GoodGirlGoneBad74]

I´m surprised that only a few people here have joint custody. Isn´t is becoming more normal to have one week each? Just know my hubby wouldn´t be happy being a one-weekend-a-fortnight parent at all! - and isn´t that more fair for ALL concerned?
Sorry if I am naive- know nothing about all this as have only recently started daring to think along these lines and none of my friends are divorced.

[Skyebluesapphire]

My DD 4yo was going to her Dad every Sunday. That meant that I never got to spend a Sunday with her and never got a weekend where I didnt have to think about him turning up.

We have just started Every other weekend and Im hoping that will be much better. I will get a whole weekend with her with no thinking about him and then a whole weekend to myself.

It is lonely, she is with him tonight, but I have got a lot of work done today and once all my work is up to date, I will be finding nice things to do instead.

[Wrenner]

Glad I found this thread as I posted somewhere else at first...
I am in the same situation as alot of other posters.. My two dc go to their dads at the weekend, every weekend. I look forward to my time off but wen they go I feel lost. I feel like a single person with no children.. Wen I kno I am a mummy at the same time. I have adjusted some what but it still makes me feel guilty as hell and has put a wedge between me and my oldest ds who is 4. I don't kno why? Even though they have fun I want them to love me the most.. Miss me the most etc
It is hard :-(

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

I am not divorced yet, but in the process of doing so. I don't doubt my decision at all. Although I am having to share my weekends with my ex, the dc don't have to see such a crap example of a marriage any more and witness their dad shouting and belittling their mum. So that is a definite plus. I also feel I have more of a balance between time for myself and time for the dc now, so consequently I have more fun with the dc when I'm with them.

[NoNoNoMYDoIt]

goodgirl - to answer your question, if I had known how truly awful it would be to spend 40% of my time without my kids, I would not have left. But then it is hard for me to remember now how awful it was living with exH. The treading on eggshells / sulking / stonewalling / verbal abuse. I was very depressed at the time but my depression has also been hard to manage because of the time I spend away from the kids since we split.

[GoodGirlGoneBad74]

Really sorry to hear how hard this is on you. I am married with two young kids and think I´m sort of having a midlife crisis-ish thing where I really truly can´t figure out what I want anymore :-( My hubby has taken kids to inlaws overseas for 5 days and I am so happy, so free, so at peace for the 1st time in literally years!
I often find myself fantasising about a life as a divorcee and having one week on and one week off so I actually get time to do ME-stuff-sounds like bliss to me!
I guess though, we should be careful what we wish for.
My question to you, OP and others here....do you REGRET divorcing now? Are you feeling worse off than you were before? Are there times when you think, "Ommigod, what did I do that for?"

[RedRosy]

Hi Tired, sorry you're feeling so sad. I've been separated for 18 months, have 3 DCs, aged 2,4 and 6, and they spend alternate weekends at my exH. Time heals, as they say, but time needs time. What I mean is it will get easier, all in good time. My DCs are spoiled at their Dads as due to his drinking, my ex in laws stay too, so often my kids get tearful and tell me it's boring at home. I think on time when they're older they will understand better. I'm glad they can have fun with their dad, though. I'm sure many single parents are in a similar position.
Just be kind, and patient with yourself x

[NoNoNoMYDoIt]

OP - how you doing?

I have returned from a weekend in the s west. Amazing time. Cousins and friends and a sleepover and a night in a travelodge. An afternoon on the beach as well. Stuff memories are made of! :-D

[lilacbaubles]

tired, glad you're feeling brighter. I met my DP at 42! He was 46 and we both thought we would never ever have the kind of relationship we have now.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

You def not washed up at 42 - I met DH(him) at that age and we went on to have 3 children

Three pregnancies or was one twins? That is amazing. Bastard dh wouldn't even talk about the third I desperately wanted. Another nail in the coffin of the marriage.

arequipa thanks for the info about the website. I'll have a look.

Lovely post Courage, really heartening. I am not really giving it time I know.

Feel your pain living under the same roof wannaBe. I did eight months and it was hell. Maybe I need to remind myself how much happier I am than I was then. I hope you will be able to move on and get some space for yourself.

Yes, I am promoting the kids' relationship with their dad, Redflag while he did his best to undermine mine with them. And it is really important and going to make it much easier for them. I think they are starting to enjoy being at mine more than his too, or maybe they are just happy to be losing a very unhappy mother. Dh is inviting a lot of their friends round though which is good and will help them feel at home there :)

NoNoNo look forward to hearing from you again and hope you have a good day today.

Well I am feeling a lot better today, thank you. My au pair has come back from Germany and she is lovely and it's just nice having another human in the house. Like nkf I have made a list. I'm going to go and have a look at Laura Ashley sale in a minute, all the wallpaper is half price. I am in the mood for overblown florals - a feature wall or two, nothing too expensive. The nice thing about having my own place is I can decorate it really girly - I painted my bedroom pink and it's great!

Yesterday I dealt with a load of admin - I have an allergy to opening post which is very silly and dh took care of so much household stuff I've felt really incompetent and panicked. I have organised paying for a speeding ticket I'd ignored, applied for CTC, paid off a credit card I was paying the minimum on and also my Next directory account which got hammered over Xmas buying clothes for the kids. :)

I want to make some 'me time' and do nice things but because I'm a bit strapped for cash I want to spend what's spare on the children and feel guilty spending on myself. A bit of spending on the house is OK because I want to make a nice home for them.

Thanks everyone who's posted on here, and lots of love and light to everyone spending this weekend without their children and feeling blue :)

Back later, with floral wallpaper.

[SpringIsComing]

Lots of sympathy, OP. How are you doing today? I have done 50/50 shared custody with my XH for almost 2 years now and it really does get easier, but it will require effort on your part. Think about investing in your happiness when they are not there and regaining your identity as something you now need to do for them as much as yourself. It sounds like you've got a number of things going on that might benefit from finding someone to talk to?

P.S. 42 is definitely not washed up! It's the new 30's, didn't you know?

[namechangerforaday]

TIRED You def not washed up at 42 - I met DH(him) at that age and we went on to have 3 children

[lilacbaubles]

My girls are 13 and 15 now, they were 10 and 12 when we split, like you it was my choice. I miss them a lot when they are not here, but I use the time to meet friends, study, work, clean, read, exercise etc. I think back to the time before children and I didn't mope around the house then, I was perfectly content and able to fill my days. I even go to the cinema on my own if there's something I want to see.

I also used my free evenings for a dabble in online dating and met DP as a result, so now we relish our evenings as a couple (doesn't mean I don't still miss the girls, I do, but we enjoy our uninterrupted time alone!)

Things will get easier, really they will.

[Redflagcatcher]

Great post courage
I'm too in this situation, hate my kids being with their dad to be honest. It's hard, hard, hard.....but it does get easier. Or you start to cope with it better...
I would love to take up more hobbies and now am starting to try and enjoy the time they are away, but it has taken over two years to get to this really comfortable stage. In my mind I often justify it with the fact that I know loads of mums that go away from their kids on business or let them stay with grandparents etc and think nothing of it whereas i only send them to their dads.......at least they're with their dad....if the dad is a good one.... you know they are with someone (possibly the only other person) who loves them as equally as you. They are safe.
I also used drink to cope (a couple of glasses of wine and i fall asleep mind you) I don't think I do anymore although I do slip when I'm very emotional. I try not to use it now as the intense feelings do pass. You've just got to feel the feelings and they become easier to deal with.
My thoughts are with you.......remember you're being a fabulous mum by encouraging a great relationship with their dad and you'll reap the rewards later.

[wannaBe]

me and dh split in August but have still been living under the same roof. But he has taken DS away to his parents over new year and although he did similar in Oct this time it hit me much harder.

Some lovely friends invited me to stay over new year though and I ended up staying there for a couple of days instead and did have a good time. I know it is going to hit me even harder once we move (by the end of the month probably).

And things are not helped by my mother whose opinion is that ds shouldn't have a choice, he should be with me because he is mine and actually texted dh to tell him that he shouldn't have expected me to be on my own over new year

[Couragedoesntroar]

Hi tired sorry it's so hard.

I'm a year into the split and, whilst it's much easier (I used to find the pain incapacitating), I still find it hard. FWIW I found it harder over Xmas because it was out of routine. You're bound to find January hard too.

I too can't settle and, for the first time, have used alcohol which scares me. Hell, I smoked between Xmas & new year in my agitated state. I have a very wise therapist who reckons that it's a trauma response and I need to find ways of nurturing & comforting myself.

In case it helps, these are my resolutions for coping better with it in 2013:
Make plans for the times I know will be hardest (eg music lesson then take out curry on the Fridays they go away).
Eat properly and exercise regularly
Remind myself that they are safe, I can let go and rest, that it's not my fault.
Go (alone) to the Sunday morning matinee at the cinema with a coffee.
Pick up my meditation practice again
I will go to local church this Sunday as experiment (DH would have hated that!).
Plan exciting trips both with DC and alone.


Take care. I have a hunch that it just takes quite a while for life to reconstellate and to see who are your real friends.

[nkf]

Perhaps those of us who are missing our kids could help each through today. Check in from time to time. Cheer each other on as we get things done.

I've just been for a brisk walk.
I've eaten an (unhealthy!) breakfast.
I'm making a list of things to do.

[NoNoNoMYDoIt]

Oh OP - there is so much in your post which resonates but I can't respond now as I am just going out the door to pick up my kids and take them down to Devon. We aren't staying with my folks as I broke contact with them in feb after an incident with dd and the police (yes the police) being called when they were in her care. So we are visiting my hometown and staying in a travelodge (booked 2 months ago so costing 25 quid). Seeing cousins then friends in Cornwall for a day too.

I will check back in on Sunday when I am back. I just wanted to say that you are very much not alone in what you are feeling - Mh probs, anxiety, EA, toxic mother - all of those apply to me as well as the drinking

Only one more sleep for you now. Wishing you some peace today x