DH is very controlling, selfish and often very angry - help!

[LucyLego]

DH has had a rough ride in the last few years and it's changed him in to a different person. He has always been fiery but now it's ridiculous - he snaps at me, DCs and the dog for hardly any reason and shouts really loudly at me. He calls me a stupid woman, an idiot or tells me to shut up on an almost daily basis. He is often away with work and I don't work any more and it was supposed to make things easier but now it's even worse as he now never does anything useful with the DCs. I know I don't have to get up to go to work but it would be nice if I was allowed to go to the supermarket on my own just once in a while. He makes such a fuss about looking after DCs for an hour that it's just easier to take them with me. When he's at home he tends to just sit on the computer (yes, I see the irony!) and puts the TV on for DCs. He would never do any activities with them - colouring, painting, baking, going on a walk, taking them to a club etc. The most difficult things are to do with his opinion on my level of strictness with DCs and money. He constantly tells me that I don't discipline our DCs but the difference is that I don't just shout incessantly at them about nothing in particular. I can't get DS to nap in his bed anymore as DH has shouted so often about putting DCs in bed when they are naughty that he says "but I haven't been naughty" and cries. This week I've been trying to organise our summer holiday and have emailed him a few ideas as he's been away with work. He rang and was really grumpy about it and said "you just do whatever you like" in a stroppy teenager way. He is obsessed with hoarding money and checks our bank balance every day and quizzes me on what I have spent money on. I haven't bought anything for myself for ages and the only money I spend is on food, bills and DCs' clothes. He got really annoyed with me about the money I spent at Christmas, even though the majority of it for his family. I really do still love him and I don't want to break up the family but I can't go on with this. Does it sound like he needs some kind of stress / anger management counselling? Any helpful advice welcome!

Can't see you are anything less than a complete cow.

Positive steps forward and constructive advice are to help yourself and your DC.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. But you can and should look after yourself (and DC).

I hope you do, because you deserve to a better life, and only you can take the positive steps towards that life.

Any positive steps your husband wants to take, he will have to choose and take himself.

Abusive people cycle between nice & nasty to keep you hooked.

What is he doing to help himself? What stops you making the appointment with the GP?

You can only go on making excuses for him for so long.

Like others have said, does he behave like this with other people?
I would suspect the answer is no.
Because if he abused people on the street, his co workers, his boss, there would be consequences. If he does it to you, there are none, just you saying "oh the poor man, he cannot help it"

Clearly he can control his behaviour.

If you were to present him with an appointment to see a counsellor, do you think it would help?
He can only accept help once he has accepted that his behaviour towards you is entirely his own decision and once he has decided he needs to ask for help to achieve that.

What motivation is there for him at the moment to ask for help?

His behaviour seems to be affecting yours and your DCs day to day life, happiness, well being. Not his.

You're bound to get strong responses, OP, because of what you say about the way he treats your dc. This is a parents' board, after all.

What abbie said.

I know you don't want to hear the truth OP, and I'm sorry it is making you cross...but your husband IS a bastard, and it's not for you to sort out. It's his problem.

In the meantime he is subjecting your children to fear and abuse.

Of course he's nice sometimes. ALL abusers are nice at least half of, if not most of the time. They'd never get anyone to stay with them if they weren't, would they? It wouldn't be at all beneficial for him to be horrible ALL the time, or you would leave.
He needs to keep you there hoping for better times, and striving to make those times a reality, otherwise he'd be all alone with no-one to bully. Poor him.

Were you the only one who took marriage vows though?

Or were his different to yours? Did he promise to:

call you a stupid woman, an idiot or tells me to shut up on an almost daily basis

make sure that you were never allowed to go to the supermarket on your own

never do any activities with your children - colouring, painting, baking, going on a walk, taking them to a club etc

shout so often about putting DCs in bed when they are naughty that your DS says "but I haven't been naughty" and cries

quiz you on what you have spent money on?

By the way, I'm not calling him a bastard. These are things that you've said he does. I'm just asking if you think it's good enough for you and your children?

Agree with pictish of course he can control himself. Do you think he's this abusive to his boss (or clients)? He'd have lost his job ages ago already. He's only doing this to you because you are a punching bag. In your relationship, you are in a inferior position. If I'm honest, you are lower than his employee (if he's the boss) and subordinates. If they are putting up with it, then they'll be looking for a new job right now.

abbie is not a cow. She understands how being raised in an abusive household affects children.

It really is that bad, Lucy.

LucyLego - I am a counsellor and training psychotherapist, and I am advising you (something I wouldn't do with a client because the nature of the work is different) to leave him. He is abusive.

Don't call abbie a cow because you can't handle the truth. You know she's right, and you can't handle it. That's not her fault. No need.

Have made an appointment with GP for next week and will go with him. Please don't post anymore unless you have encouragement. I could have worked out the "leave him" idea for myself. For the record he isn't aggressive towards our children but short tempered when they are naughty.

A counsellor worth their salt wouldn't do that.

'Very short tempered' IS being aggressive!!

Does he shout at them far too quickly, and seem overly angry over small things?
You know he does. That's being aggressive.

You don't want help or advice. You want to be told it's all ok, it's just a phase, he doesn't mean it and pretty soon it'll all be sunshine, rainbows and bunny wabbits. You're in the wrong place luv. All you'll get here is practical advice, the benefit of years of experience (most of it hard gained) and support when you decide to liberate yourself and your poor children from the daily onslaught of abuse.
Right now, and until you listen up, you are complicit in that abuse.

What will you tell the GP? Everything you wrote in your first post?

Everybody has a "rough ride" of it sometimes. It's called life.

How we choose to behave is what determines our character.

OP if you just want to clap your hands over your ears and go lalalalalalalalalala while he treats you like shite, that's up to you...but their are children in this situation and they are taking in everything they see, and everything they hear, to use for themselves later in life.

They will grow up to expect abusive behaviour...either accepting it or dishing it out.

So long as you stick to your vows though eh? Because that's the most important thing.

You are part of the problem here as you love him unconditionally. I used to think this was a positive quality. However when you are faced with someone who is abusive (as your DH is), it's actually a very dangerous thing to do.

He is treating you and your DCs in a way which is inexcusable.

He may be able to recover with counselling, but that's not going to happen while you're still there, making excuses for him and enabling this behaviour.

I know it's hard advice to take, but you really need to get your DCs away from him as he's damaging them.

It is not going against your marriage vows to get your DCs and yourself away, to a place of safety, where they can be free from abuse.

His best chance for helping himself is to do it on his own IMO. He is an abuser, and you will never be able to get through to him on how he should treat you. He's going to need some pretty life changing events to reconsider the way he is, and most abusers don't change. You can hang on as long as you like to your marriage vows, but love won't cure him I'm afraid.

It took me many years to realise this, but I didn't have mumsnet then!

The people here may be giving what sounds like harsh advice, but many of us have been there, and we are trying to help, honest!

I would urge you to get yourself a late Christmas present of this book, you will probably find your H in it.

He is emotionally abusing your children, and yet you're sat with rose-tinted glasses on asking for advice on how to fix him...?

Your priorities are shot to shit. Stop putting your abusive husband first, start thinking about your DC's wellbeing.

I have depression, been on ADs for nearly two years, and I've managed to not scream abuse at my partner or make my DS think bedtime equals punishment. Your husband's depression isn't making him abusive - he's abusive because he chooses to be. Open your eyes.

I agree with Pictish. This was my life for about 7 years. (it became gradually more intolerable). I was like that frog being boiled slowly. Nobody jumps into a boiling pan.

But back to a point Pictish made there, being a snappy bad tempered unreasonable grouch to you is an excellent coping mechanism for him. Your life on the other hand is probably so close to intolerable that things can't go on. Meanwhile back in his World, his ever need is catered to, his demands are met, he gets his me time (on the computer, away with work), he has a family who make no demands on him, they are there in the background. He has successfully trained you not to pick too many battles or any at all. So now the script is that you rarely challenge him because it's just not worth it. He has done an excellent job. Well done him.

I left a man like this and I'm not judging you, far from it. But he will OBVIOUSLY totally resist changing and will fob you off and maybe pretend to change a few times before you realise that he just won't.

I left once and I had a list of (very reasonable stipulations). He 'tried' for a few weeks and then when the kids were back at the school etc, he started refering to my tin pot parade (having left him).

I would tell him it's over because you're not happy with him. Pick phrases that can't be argued with. I feel miserable. I do not want to continue.