DH is very controlling, selfish and often very angry - help!

[LucyLego]

DH has had a rough ride in the last few years and it's changed him in to a different person. He has always been fiery but now it's ridiculous - he snaps at me, DCs and the dog for hardly any reason and shouts really loudly at me. He calls me a stupid woman, an idiot or tells me to shut up on an almost daily basis. He is often away with work and I don't work any more and it was supposed to make things easier but now it's even worse as he now never does anything useful with the DCs. I know I don't have to get up to go to work but it would be nice if I was allowed to go to the supermarket on my own just once in a while. He makes such a fuss about looking after DCs for an hour that it's just easier to take them with me. When he's at home he tends to just sit on the computer (yes, I see the irony!) and puts the TV on for DCs. He would never do any activities with them - colouring, painting, baking, going on a walk, taking them to a club etc. The most difficult things are to do with his opinion on my level of strictness with DCs and money. He constantly tells me that I don't discipline our DCs but the difference is that I don't just shout incessantly at them about nothing in particular. I can't get DS to nap in his bed anymore as DH has shouted so often about putting DCs in bed when they are naughty that he says "but I haven't been naughty" and cries. This week I've been trying to organise our summer holiday and have emailed him a few ideas as he's been away with work. He rang and was really grumpy about it and said "you just do whatever you like" in a stroppy teenager way. He is obsessed with hoarding money and checks our bank balance every day and quizzes me on what I have spent money on. I haven't bought anything for myself for ages and the only money I spend is on food, bills and DCs' clothes. He got really annoyed with me about the money I spent at Christmas, even though the majority of it for his family. I really do still love him and I don't want to break up the family but I can't go on with this. Does it sound like he needs some kind of stress / anger management counselling? Any helpful advice welcome!

[AbigailAdams]

Yes it does

[JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast]

He often behaves really badly when we're all stuck in the car together - because he can and he has an audience where no-one can walk away ? Or also because he's got a bit stressed about directions/ getting there on time ? So, anyway, one thing I'm thinking is maybe I could cut down on being in the car with him, especially with the DC's too ? Sad though, isn't it ?

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

so was your dh still managing to go to work, speak to every other person in the world normally and than come home and abuse you and your children bruffin?

[SparklingSnow]

Why are you putting up with someone who behave in that way? It is obviously going to have a negative effect on your children.

Plenty of people suffer from depression. It doesn't turn them into an abusive idiot.

Abusive men like to hide behind the depression excuse. So you feel sorry for them and you will put up with their shitty behaviour.

[dequoisagitil]

Fiery absolutely equals angry.

[mummyonvalium]

OP, taking you out of the equation how good do you think it is that your children are subjected to someone who is snappy at them all the time?

Your children should be your main priority. If someone else were to treat your children the way your DH does I am sure you would be upset and want them to be held accountable.

[shesariver]

Please don't post anymore unless you have encouragement.

You are in complete and utter denial. Thats up to you, you have a choice. Unfortunately your children don't. I treat people who have suffered abusive childhoods and the problems that damage them last into adulthood. You don't want to hear the truth - you want people to say that things will get better. Well they wont, not living with a man like your DH. Good luck, you're going to need it because I get the feeling you are not going to listen to anyone here.

[bruffin]

"so was your dh still managing to go to work, speak to every other person in the world normally and than come home and abuse you and your children bruffin?"

Yes he was desperately trying to hold it together at work for a long time, but by the end he did breakdown at work and thankfully they were understanding and they got advice and he was registered disabled at work, which meant he was allowed to go counselling at work time, and they sent him on courses to help with stresses relating to work ie time management. The biggest stress on him was a 100 mile a day round trip, it also gave him a lot of time to brood.

No fiery doesnt necessarily mean angry. It just means that you have a personality where you lose it quickly but you get over it quickly. It doesnt mean angry all the time.

OP says he has changed why cant you take her word for it! She knows the man you dont.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Its not as simple as saying someone with depression needs to take responsibility for themselves. In theory maybe, but in reality they don't always realise they are depressed. My dh didn't. He thought the problem was his job, our relationship, this, that, the other. Often someone with depression feels so mixed up and crappy that they look around for the cause and blame it on xyz, not realising that the problem is actually mental, chemical etc.

[Conflugenglugen]

Lucy - I am not your counsellor, so I am perfectly entitled, in a private capacity, to tell you what I think. You are battling yourself here, not anyone else. A part of you came on here to get this information, and you're fighting it, understandably. Maybe one day you'll see differently.

[JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast]

"A part of you came on here to get this information, and you're fighting it, understandably"

I think that's pretty wise Conflugen

[bruffin]

Exactly FDPP

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

What harm will it do for Lucy to get an appointment for her dh and get him to go to the gp, and go with him and explain how he has changed. If he refuses then Lucy has to rethink, or if he starts on ADS and therapy and nothing changes again she has to rethink, but why not give it a go first.

I do agree with this, bruffin. Took the same path myself.

[Conflugenglugen]

Thanks, Juggling. Learned the hard way as well as the professional way. :)

[cestlavielife]

well if you /he think it's depression go thru the questionnaire (which is what gp will do)
www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/depression.aspx go thru it op and answer as tho you were your h then ask him directly to do it with you....

but depression for my exp was all the anger stuff plus lots of comments about life not worth living, wanting to kill himself etcetc. curling up in a ball, showing tics and signs of anxiety towards himself... the stuff aimed at me/dc was in my view another different symptom.

the anger/controlling behaviour stuff was there all along, and it didnt disappear when he was treated for depression either. read lundy book -it will open your eyes...

think of it from your DC perspective.

in any case he is an adult; and if he has stresses in his life, what has he done to deal with them other than take it out on you?

[cestlavielife]

you will notice the questionnaire above does not even ask if you have been feeling anger towards your loved ones!! because it is NOT a key symptom of depression

[cestlavielife]

"There are many symptoms of depression, including low mood, feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem, lethargy and sleep problems."

anger is not a key symptom

[cestlavielife]

ok -health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/depression/questions/link-between-depression-and-anger.htm - but anger on its own isnt - you need the other main criteria of hopelessness etc for depression . gp quesitonnaire will focus on the other issues ...

[bruffin]

From another website

Are you depressed?
If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won?t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.
you can?t sleep or you sleep too much
you can?t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
you feel hopeless and helpless
you can?t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
you have lost your appetite or you can?t stop eating
you are much more irritable, short-tempered, or aggressive than usual
you?re consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in other reckless behavior
you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)

but this is really interesting


male depression


Unfortunately, men are far less adept at recognizing their symptoms than women. A man is more likely to deny his feelings, hide them from himself and others, or try to mask them with other behaviors. The three most common signs of depression in men are:

Physical pain. Sometimes depression in men shows up as physical symptoms?such as backache, frequent headaches, sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, or digestive disorders?that don?t respond to normal treatment.
Anger. This could range from irritability, sensitivity to criticism, or a loss of your sense of humor to road rage, a short temper, or even violence. Some men become abusive, controlling, verbally or physically abusive to wives, children, or other loved ones.

Reckless behavior. A man suffering from depression may start exhibiting escapist or risky behavior. This could mean pursuing dangerous sports, driving recklessly, or engaging in unsafe sex. You might drink too much, abuse drugs, or gamble compulsively.
there is also a good table which shows the difference in the way depression manifests between men and women

Women Men tend to:
women Blame themselves
men Blame others
women Feel sad, apathetic, and worthless
men Feel angry, irritable, and ego inflated
women Feel anxious and scared
men Feel suspicious and guarded
women Avoid conflicts at all costs
men Create conflicts
women Feel slowed down and nervous
men Feel restless and agitated
women Have trouble setting boundaries
men Need to feel in control at all costs
women Find it easy to talk about self-doubt and despair
men Find it ?weak? to admit self-doubt or despair
women Use food, friends, and "love" to self-medicate
men Use alcohol, TV, sports, and sex to self-medicate

[bruffin]

Also
Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.

[cestlavielife]

ok i may be wrong but quick search says u need to look at DSM criteria tho -

"Equally surprising, the DSM fails to list anger as a symptom for either depression or mania" see www.mcmanweb.com/anger.html


www.psyweb.com/mdisord/MoodDis/majordepress.jsp

it seems that anger isnt in dsm for depression

but it is for bpd

www.bpddemystified.com/what-is-bpd/symptoms/

not saying i correct and lots of stuff linking anger and depresison anecdotally - but for gp to diagnose depression and issue AD,s/refer to therapy - the op's h will need other relevant symptoms...

[cestlavielife]

"Some men become abusive, controlling, verbally or physically abusive to wives, children, or other loved ones"

hmm not one lundy bancroft subscribes to. depression is no excuse.

in the op's case he "has always been fiery" .

so being more so maybe isnt a drastic change for him after all.... still if she can get him to gp and assessed for depression, who knows?