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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaving because I've put on weight and he can't bear to look at me.

86 replies

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi · 03/01/2013 08:57

Hi all.

I've been going through a v rough patch with dh.
I got PND with my last child, and have put on roughly 3-4 stone in weight. (I'm now a 16/18)

My husband has always had a lower sex drive than me, but in the last year we have done it a handful of times. Dh admitted it was because I'm so fat & really hard to live with. I'm convinced hes having an affair too.

I know I should kick him out. But I really really don't want my marriage to fail. We both work 14hour days, so I don't know what I'll do for childcare. I really can't cope with 3 children on my own.

I just can't stop crying. He has been so cruel.

OP posts:
MardyArsedMidlander · 03/01/2013 09:57

When he said you were 'awful' on antiDs- I wonder if he meant you were less compliant? Sad. Wouldn't be the first husband to prefer his wife depressed.

ImagineJL · 03/01/2013 09:59

He is having an affair, and is using your weight gain to make it your fault, to stop himself feeling guilty. He can tell himself that you are no longer the woman he married, and therefore it's OK to cheat on you.

You need to see a different GP, and get a different antidepressant if you don't like your current one. Some can even help with weight loss.

Northernlebkuchen · 03/01/2013 10:02

I agree he's having an affair. You know why he denies it? Because as long as he denies it he can blame you for everything. It seems that you are unfortunately married to a very unpleasant personality. Get rid. You will cry for a bit and then the sun will start to shine. You haven't failed at your marriage, you've been abused within it.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 03/01/2013 10:03

Wow! I am continually surprised at the twatishness of men! Its unbelievable!

He is being extremely cruel, and i hate to say, most likely is having an affair.

My Ex always put me down about my weight (i'm a size 10 fgs!) its only since he has left that I've really felt that i want to do something about it.

I think you should be strong and kick him out. That'll put the shits up his critical arse!

swallowedAfly · 03/01/2013 10:05

my gut reaction to you saying that he has always had a lower sex drive to you is that perhaps he has never been really 'into' you (sorry if that is hurtful and i may be wrong) and so you've been wrong footed from the start. he's chosen a relationship where he holds all the cards.

does sound like he's having an affair doesn't it?

the weight gain is reversible, his horribleness is not.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi · 03/01/2013 10:11

I just don't know how I'll cope.
Only family near me is my mother, who is so self absorbed she is no help at all. I phoned her last night to tell her what was going on and she made it all about her.

It hurts so much to see all those hopes and dreams vanish.
I meant my vows!

I have given up everything for him. His job and goals always came first. Now I'm a single mum of three in an entry-level job while he enjoys his success.

OP posts:
Northernlebkuchen · 03/01/2013 10:17

Of course you meant your vows. But that doesn't mean that when the other party breaks them you have to put up with it. I've been married for 15 years. We have fights, of course we do. Sometimes my dh really annoys me! Sometimes we feel we haven't provided what the other needed BUT always, always I have known that he is my best friend and I have never made him feel shit about himself and he's never made me feel like that. In fact he's always made me feel desired. I'm not telling you that to be boastful, no marriage is perfect, but respect and affection for each other is the very least you should be able to expect.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi · 03/01/2013 10:17

I just don't know how I'll cope.
Only family near me is my mother, who is so self absorbed she is no help at all. I phoned her last night to tell her what was going on and she made it all about her.

It hurts so much to see all those hopes and dreams vanish.
I meant my vows!

I have given up everything for him. His job and goals always came first. Now I'm a single mum of three in an entry-level job while he enjoys his success.

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 03/01/2013 10:18

I'm so sorry OP, this is awful. Please listen to the other posters about going to the GP make this your first port of call.
Your partner is treating you like utter shit- do not let him- tell him its done don't play into his hands anymore- he's shown himself to be totally selfish, on top of which he has been overly cruel and nasty.
Put yourself first- you can cope on your own, you will get stronger- imagine how good you'll feel in 6 months from now when he's realized the grass isn't always greener and you can tell him no chance

Original poster
UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi · 03/01/2013 10:19

Don't know what happened there!

He says it's all my fault and I made him like this.

He's called me a cunt loads this morning. He was just shouting "you're fat you're fat you're fat" at me.

All his family & friends think he's lovely.

OP posts:
SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 03/01/2013 10:22

Listen love, this man is abusive and hates women. He's always been like that. If you have a selfish unhelpful mother, you will have been appealing to a man who likes to bully and control women, because you will have an appeaser's mindset, you will long to please and you will always back down from conflict.

Your depression will improve when you get rid of him. Have a chat to Women's AId and your GP and tell them that your H is abusive because he is. They will advise and support you, and you will be able to live without him sharing your home.

NicholasTeakozy · 03/01/2013 10:26

"I think I have always had depression"

And I think the cause of the depression is the thing looking back at you over the breakfast table in the morning...

What Cogito said. He's an arse, he's shagging someone else and blaming you for it. He sounds horrible.

LouMacca · 03/01/2013 10:28

So sorry OP he is obviously having an affair and pushing his guilt about it on to you. What a prick.

Cogito posts are spot on.

RudolphiaRedNose · 03/01/2013 10:34

OP about the sertraline. I was on 200mg and it made me put on weight because I was so tired and inactive. I cut right down and felt ill again (anxiety problems). I went back up to 100mg and it's a good balance and I'm losing weight now - and I now remember that I lost weight when I first started it and was on 50-100.

Obviously NONE of this means it's OK for him to behave like this and I'm not saying you have to loose weight, just sharing my ad experience. Size 16-18 is not "so fat". He's just putting the blame on you because he's having an affair and wants it to be your fault.

Get rid of him, you will be happier. He can still do his share of the childcare surely/pay for it from his earnings - being separated doesn't remove those responsibilities. Talk to him and arrange for him to move out and stay with someone asap, set up a childcare rota, and ask friends and family to help too if possible (not your mum).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2013 10:36

"He's called me a cunt loads this morning. He was just shouting "you're fat you're fat you're fat" at me."

If a stranger walked into your home and started behaving like that would you think they were a nice, friendly person? That they loved you? Or would you be calling the police and telling them to get out?

For the sake of your own self-respect, tell him to go and bolt the door behind him....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2013 10:39

Should add.... you do realise that that type of aggressive verbal abuse is Domestic Violence? You don't have to have black eyes to be abused by a man.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/01/2013 10:40

What a wanker. He's a snivelling little GIT, lower than a snakes belly!

How fucking DARE he do this to you? You have (I presume) carried his 3 children - it's rare the woman who doesn't show some evidence of this! Even if you'd put on weight without carrying his children, it's one thing to say 'Love - it's not good for you' or 'Love - let's eat better/exercise together' it is never ever acceptable to taunt you in the way he is.

He's making the relationship break down 'your fault' so he can justify having an affair. He can't. No matter what, he has chosen to deal with any problems by creating more. A decent man will talk to you and deal with the issues - a bastarding git will just have an affair, a complete wanker will have an affair and blame you :(

God they make me so angry Angry

Once he is out of your life - your depression is bound to lift. Mother Teressa would have been depressed living with this prick.

You can do it, you will find a way. Get all the help you are entitled to and lean on friends until you get yourself sorted.

RudolphiaRedNose · 03/01/2013 10:41

Totally agree with Cogito. Anyone who did that to me, husband or not, would be finding their belongings on the pavement. It's not acceptable and not worth going through for the sake of a marriage - it's also not good for your DC anyway.

Xales · 03/01/2013 10:41

You are working 14 hours a day so he can

Use money to send other women flowers.

Use money to book hotel rooms.

You are working 14 hours a day but he doesn't have enough money to go to counselling with you and try and fix your marriage. This would be because he is using money to send flowers and book hotel rooms for other women... 2 bunches of flowers or one hotel room would probably pay for a counselling session.

That is how far down the list you and your relationship is. The weight is an excuse.

He either wants out or is too much of a coward to finish it.

To have his lovely bit on the side while you carry on cooking, cleaning and ironing for him.

Screw what he wants. You need to put yourself (and your children) first.

HollaAtMeSanta · 03/01/2013 10:41

Was coming on here to say even if he fancies you less now that you are bigger, he shouldn't love you any less. Having read the rest of the thread, he is clearly a total arse, he is 99% certainly cheating, and you deserve better. You will cope and long term you will be happier.

Think carefully about your next steps; in your position, I would be gathering evidence of his infidelity and general unpleasantness (e.g. have your phone in your pocket and record him screaming at you/insulting you) before you boot him out. Not to mention all the usual stuff about getting bank paperwork together etc - I think there is an excellent post on here somewhere, maybe someone knows the one I mean and can paste it for you?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/01/2013 10:42

Oh and if you can possibly bear to - arrange 50% shared care. Do not say 'but he works' or whatever, that is HIS problem to arrange care. It will make arranging your shifts/childcare much easier and in the long run, give you a better life with the kids.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/01/2013 10:43

All his family & friends think he's lovely

That's great. He wont be short of places to stay then will he.

ImperialBlether · 03/01/2013 10:44

Oh god, OP, you have to do something here.

Tell him to get out. Go off sick at work until you can figure out what to do about childcare. Go to a lawyer tomorrow and get the wheels in motion.

You CANNOT live like this. By kicking him out you will take control of your life. How dare he talk to you like that? He is disgusting. Pack a bag and put it outside the door for him.

If you're near me (Merseyside) I'll come and take it to his work for you. It would be my pleasure. I've no doubt I'd see the object of his affections there, too.

ImperialBlether · 03/01/2013 10:44

Chipping, not everyone wants 50% shared care. I know I would have hated it. I don't think her husband is the right person to take care of children, personally.

2Tired2GiveaShit · 03/01/2013 10:54

Oh god, he sounds like a right ct! Please dont waste anymore on this guy, he sounds like he is deliberately egging you on so you do the dumping to EASE his guilt about being a rubbish husband so he can go to his OW without any guilt there.

New year, new outlook, new you... X