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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

red flag check

30 replies

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 19:43

Someone I've been with a while now told me 'butterflybee, you're intelligent" and then next sentence said "Intelligent people can be manipulative." I called him on it, he denied he'd implied anything at all and refused to appologise even when I said it hurt my feelings (like a kid). Then he raised it to I'm like my seriously manipulative and EA ex, who he knows all about. At which point I flipped and he started appologising.

I think it's over, I just want a double check as my instincts are obviously a bit off. There have been other, more subtle, ishoos but I don't think I can be with someone who can imply such a horrible thing.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 19:46

He's a knob. Comparing you to an abusive ex in order to win an argument which he clearly set up to begin with...? Weirdo.

meddie · 02/01/2013 19:47

Go with your instinct, its usually right.

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 19:49

Yep, knobhead. Think I need to hear it a few more times, if anyone's out there with a Leave the Bastard trigger. :)

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 20:00

I'm still gasping at... 'you're intelligent' followed by 'intelligent people can be manipulative' meaning 'you're manipulative'. You don't say that to someone expecting to hear 'OMG really?! Wow thanks for the compliment!'

So I'm revising my opinion a little from 'knob' and I declare him an offensive knob that is as thick as pigshit....

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 20:04

I know! I said he'd put me in a category of manipulative people and his response was, "no, you did that." Why on earth did you mention that random bit of information if it wasn't a dig, knobhead?

OP posts:

lovemenot · 02/01/2013 20:06

While watching Corrie, I got "only fucking idiots watch this shite".....I was still in the fog then so didn't pick him up on it.

So yes, he (and mine) is a knob.

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 20:10

I'm glad I picked up that it was totally out of order straight away. That's a step forward, at least.

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 02/01/2013 20:24

Using his knowledge about your abused past as a weapon against you - red flag.

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 20:40

That totally mirrors the longer term FW.. he's doing the same thing about my childhood stuff all through court. Apparantly I'm so ...damaged...

Think it's also a big warning sign to me that I shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I clearly need a lot more work on myself, by myself, before I can filter the knobs out.

OP posts:

Molepom · 02/01/2013 20:40

Wow, run. Now.

Pays you a compliment but then insults you with it. Uses your EA history as a weapon against you. Nice bloke.

Molepom · 02/01/2013 20:42

Butterflybee - but posting this thread shows that you are getting better at detecting knobheads like this one. You've not invested too much time in him so it's not going to be a massive loss to you.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/01/2013 20:43

Manipulate this, buster:

DUMP<

There, isn't that better?

suburbophobe · 02/01/2013 20:52

~Sounds like HE is being manipulative~

Abusive men have form for changing stuff around and blaming YOU....

Don't fall for it!

...(we have to be strong, I know, but we can DO IT!).

TurnipCake · 02/01/2013 21:06

He's a manipulative knobhead

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 21:31

Much better Annie, running fast Molepom, and definitely manipulative suburbophobe / turnipcake. I just remembered that he then said he'd never manipulated me, except once! Once is more than enough, my friend.

Unfortunately by 'a while now' I mean more than a year, although it's almost all been restricted to the times I don't have my kids and this is by far the most blatant incident.

I've left it as that's totally not ok, i need some space, I don't think I can do this but not officially ended it. Can I dump him by text or email, or am I being cowardly?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 21:35

Normally I'd say to dump face to face but I think a text would be apt in his case. First draft.... "You're right. I am intelligent. Far too intelligent to waste my time on a shiny shit like you. You're dumped"

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 21:59

Ok, (a nicer version) might be the next step in my personal growth / knob avoidance programme. I'm feeling slightly guilty as he's been quite lovely, helpful and supportive in other areas. This side came out twice now when he thought I'd been short with him - some sort of weird avoidance of actual conflict by manufacturing bigger conflict in a totally unrelated area?

OP posts:

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 22:08

By short with him, I mean snippy and slightly critical at the end of a week of dealing with my 2 sick 5 & unders who were not sleeping anywhere near enough (both times, actually). I appologised as soon as I realised it came out of my mouth, and worry that his totally inapporpriate reaction is something that would get worse as I need to give attention to the kids rather than him.

Clearly, I don't feel as confident in my knob free entitlement as I should. Pretending until it feels more secure.

(thank you thank you all for reinforcing my thoughts)

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/01/2013 22:12

Dunno... sounds very intellectual though. To me, the original problem was that he (not very cleverly) set out to draw the conversation in the direction of a sensitive subject. That can only be to make you feel uncomfortable, put you on the back foot etc. The equivalent of lobbing 'you're just like your mother' into the conversation when mother is a prickly old bat.

flippinada · 02/01/2013 22:22

Have you read 'The Gift of Fear' butterflybee? It's a very good book and I recommend it

The author says that one of the reasons why women end up in abusive relationships is because they ignore their instinct which tells them that someone is a 'bad guy' (for want of a better phrase), and that people should trust their instinct.

Yours is telling you something about this man so follow that feeling.

It's also been said on here before that, actually, it's ok to end a relationship for whatever reason you want to and I think that's very good advice. Women are often far too nice and accommodating.

Also remember, it doesn't matter if someone is nice 99% of the time, if they are abusive for 1% of the time - that's 1% too much.

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 22:28

Fair enough. I am in my head too much.. thought I would put it out here to get some perspective.

I'm really clear what he said was totally out of line. I'm having trouble feeling confident it's enough to end things over, even though I'm 90% sure it's the right answer.

OP posts:

flippinada · 02/01/2013 22:29

God, I've just read that back and it sounds really pompous!

Basically your instinct sounds just fine to me and I agree with cogito that it's fine to do the break up via text.

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 22:32

thank you flipinada (xpost), i think that's exactly what i needed to hear.

OP posts:

Original poster

butterflybee · 02/01/2013 22:33

and xpost again! not pompous at all. it helped.

OP posts:

flippinada · 02/01/2013 22:33

X posts butterfly. I understand where you're coming from as I've done the 'is this a good enough reason' thing myself and I think many people posting here have had the same dilemma.

If someone is trying to make you feel bad about yourself that's definitely a good enough reason.

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