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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me prepare for a new life and for it to be hard! v.long

30 replies

tellingyoumystory · 01/01/2013 22:35

First of all a very happy new year to you and all of your families hope it brings you everything you wish for.

Ok so i am going to tell you my story some of you may judge me some of you won't but here goes.

Three years ago i met dp through a mutal friend we got together and fell in love very quickly and 6 months later decided to have a baby (this is where you may judge or think i'm stupid) i knew his past as a criminal and i still wanted to continue with the relationship when we met he was at uni studying art so i never had any reason to doubt he would return to crime so agreed to have a baby a month later i poas and got a bfp and as soon as i saw those two little lines i regretted it i didn't really know this man even though i did love him! So fast forward three months found out iwas having twins Shockand thats where it went down hill two days after my scan he got arrested and was sent to jail for three years it broke my heart and i was terrified about having two babies to care for on my own.

I decided to wait for him (judge away) so we could try and have a family together i done all the visits getting on boats,coaches and driving every week to see him with dcs until he was released in april an since then life has been harder than i could ever have imagined ha has no intrest in me at all doesn't want to spend time with me or dcs and chooses his friends over us all the time he has been abusive rude and damn right nasty to me making me feel as though i am nothing and never was telling me i have changed and so has my body (i have lost all baby weight and back to the same size as when we met but with a little mummy tummy) there have been lots of times i thought he was cheating and still think he is.

He is a compulsive lier and this is one thing i cannot bear in a person and i cannot take it anymore the last straw came on xmas eve when he came home with a gift from someone not a problem in itself so i asked him who had got it for him first of all he said he bought it himself and when i looked at the box (silly i know) there was wrapping paper on it so i asked why did you wrap it up for yourself he then changed his mind and said a male friend bought it for him i knew he was lying anyway so on friday i looked onthe dreaded fb and saw a comment he made on another girls wall asking her for the said present i flipped out and finished it with him.

So i am now sitting here heartbroken again thinking of the future alone and trying to find a way to deal with him seeing dcs i need a plan of action i also need a job and a new home so am asking you lovely ladies to give me a kick up the arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 01/01/2013 23:12

bump

OP posts:
molly29 · 01/01/2013 23:15

Well, the past is the past,you cannot change your choices so far in life and you got two children out of it,that is a blessing! coming from a family of well shall i say a colourful history, i say the most important thing is to protect your children from it. The kids need your consistency and security. You must be the responsible grown up, even if you are heart broken. Protect them from arguments, from seeing anything you can, make them feel as loved as possible. The rest ,like a job and a house, you know what you need to do, keep your kids in your mind with every choice you make. In twenty years time when you have two level headed, responsible, secure adults in front of you ,you will need to put your hand on heart and be able to say i did everything i could to raise you and they will thank you. Kids can thrive even in a shoe box, if they know they are loved. Protect them from everything, fight to protect them if needed, even from their father as long as its in their best interest.
You will not be alone forever, but don't look for it, i have a mother who could not be alone, who always picked men over her children and i am now 30 and i my mum left me feeling heart broken for most of my life due to her choices.
I am a mother now and i always say the one thing in life you don't want to mess up is being a parent.
Good luck.
lots of love and best wishes.x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 23:23

I don't think you need a kick up the arse so much as an un-mumsnetty hug. :) On the plus side, you have two lovely children, the whole of your life ahead of you and you're free of an abusive man. Given that he doesn't want to spend time with the DCs now I can't see him making any serious attempts to get access, can you?

On the not-so-plus side you need a place to live and some money. For that you'll need RL support from friends and family as well as various agencies and professionals. Don't know why you can't stay where you live now... is it in his name? Do you have any family you can stay with temporarily? Can you talk to your local authority housing department?

For money there is quite a lot of state help available with or without a job. The benefit checker at www.turn2us.org.uk isn't a bad place to start for pointers. If you don't think he'll support the DCs voluntarily you can contact the CSA. I would assume 100% care of the children yourself in the first instance in order to set a precedent and also to protect them from his abusive ways. Don't feel obliged to make them see him.

Good luck

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 01/01/2013 23:27

thank you molly i know i can do it on my own as i have done so far and they know i love them.

the main things i need to figure out is access to dcs i know he does love them and when he's with them they are his world so i dont want to keep them from him unless it puts them at risk

OP posts:
Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 01/01/2013 23:31

sorry i should have said everything is in my name i just want to move out of the area for a fresh start haven't got alot of family near as most of them have mooved away i was only staying here for him and our plan was to move away together when he came home but that didnt work out.

I don't think i will get alot from csa as he doesn't work i have asked him for £50 every two weeks from his jsa do you think this is too much?

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molly29 · 01/01/2013 23:32

Do you think they could be at risk? Be honest with yourself. If the answer is yes, seek professional advice. Don't feel you need to know everything at once, give yourself time, take time for your decisions. xx

TheSecondComing · 01/01/2013 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 01/01/2013 23:40

Tbh no i don't think they would be at risk.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 23:42

The DCs are his world or he spends no time with then preferring to hang out with friends instead? Careful you're not giving him credit where it's not due. I'd put the maintenance claim straight into the hands of the CSA rather than trying to negotiate. If the place you live is in your name, have you told him to leave already?

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 01/01/2013 23:48

Yes he has gone he took most of his things friday and is collecting the rest tomorrow when he takes dcs! and when i say they are his world you can see when he is with them he wants to be but it is when hes ready and on his terms ie i have to drop them off and pick them up.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 23:51

Don't let him take the DCs tomorrow or agree him dictating any more of this ridiculous dropping off and picking up crap. They are not pets to be delivered up for a pat and then removed. If you want him to have access tell him you'll think about a schedule that suits YOU and he'll have to fall in with it. Got to take control here. Start as you mean to go on.

molly29 · 01/01/2013 23:59

If the kids are safe with him, don't punish the children, they will not thank you for it in the future, if things are polite between you it will be easier to negotiate schedule ect. x

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 02/01/2013 00:04

Well we have pre arranged it he is taking them to his dads so i dont really want to cancel i have already written down an agreement for days and times which is one day in the week and every other weekend they can stay with him at mil do you think that is more than fair for the time being if he sticks to this i may increase it i will also be contacting csa just to see what i am entitled to.

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molly29 · 02/01/2013 00:17

You sound like you are being really fair, trust yourself, i think you are going to do really well, you'e got your head screwed on.xxx

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 02/01/2013 00:22

Thank you again molly as i said i don't want to keep them from him which is why i'm trying to be fair.

Atm i don't feel like its screwed on and tbh honest i'm dreading seeing him tomorrow because i do still love him (silly woman) and know its going to be hard i want to be tough with him and not let him in the house just get dcs ready for him but i now thats nt right. xx

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Tryharder · 02/01/2013 00:24

You are well rid. Forget this waste of space and concentrate on yourself and dcs. Do you work? College/university? The world is out there and it's upto you what you do with it. There is lots of help for single parents particularly if you wanted to study or retrain.

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 02/01/2013 00:26

I know i am and am trying my hardest to forget him.

I start an ou law degree in feb so that should keep me busy

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lisad123everybodydancenow · 02/01/2013 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 02/01/2013 00:34

it was robbery

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lisad123everybodydancenow · 02/01/2013 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 02/01/2013 00:39

no he used to be the driver and stand on watch but he also had some dealings with drugs

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suburbophobe · 02/01/2013 00:44

Is he organised and does he have all the equipment to take the twins? car-seats (if need be), buggy, nappies, clothes etc.

I presume you know his parents where your children will be staying. How do you get on with them?

Frankly I would not be letting happy with leaving my kids with a father who

has no intrest in me at all doesn't want to spend time with me or dcs and chooses his friends over us all the time he has been abusive rude and damn right nasty to me

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 02/01/2013 00:53

i will provide him with clothes and buggy and i know his mum and get on with her very well if that wasn't the case they wouldn't be going anywhere and i do agree to some extentsubur but if it does end up in court then i want to be able to say i tried i can almost gaurentee that he will mess up but i still have to give him a chance not just for him but my dcs who i wouldn't want to resent me for not allowing them to see their dad.

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lisad123everybodydancenow · 02/01/2013 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tellingyoumystory · 02/01/2013 01:04

No this is why i said they will be at mil i would not be allowing them to stay anywhere else

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