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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bizarre relationship between DM and DB

34 replies

MajesticWhine · 01/01/2013 22:33

My brother who is 40, takes his washing home to our mother. She washes, dries and irons it, or her cleaner irons it. This bothers me so much, it is just so extremely dysfunctional. He has never done his own washing. He is single and in fact, he never seems to have romantic relationships of any sort. I tend to think this fact is linked with the laundry. I just think doing your own laundry is a basic part of growing up and being an independent adult.

I have made clear how wrong I think it is. I have been told by my DM to keep my opinions to myself and that "at least he comes to visit me". She seems glad to be able to do something for him. He seems glad because, well, he's a lazy fucker. So these days I say nothing. Why does this trouble me so much? And can I do anything or should I just keep my nose out of it?

OP posts:

comedycentral · 01/01/2013 22:39

Honestly? This is going to sound mean but keep your nose out of it as you said. They are both happy with this arrangement, let them get on with it.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 01/01/2013 22:46

Does he own a washing machine/have access to one in his building/live near a laundrette that doesn't cost a bomb? Does he do useful stuff around her house in return? It is probably a bit pathetic but there could be redeeming features...

Original poster

MajesticWhine · 01/01/2013 22:55

Yes, he has his own home, with a washing machine. I think he probably helps her out with things in her house from time to time, if asked.

OP posts:

comedycentral · 01/01/2013 22:58

Maybe he's lonely. It may feel nice to have someone looking after him.

Bumpstart · 01/01/2013 23:02

I had a neighbour on my old street. She was in her 20's and worked full time. Her mum came and cleaned her flat for her several times per week. The neighbours on the other side had her daughter with one child living nearby. She went round to her daughters house daily to do washing, ironing and general housework. I was a bit about it, but tbh that was because I was JEALOUS I wish my mum lived a bit nearer!

My point is that this kind of looking after is totally normal. I think you find it weird because he is SINGLE.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 01/01/2013 23:04

I'm guessing he's the youngest.

But that's irrelevant really. Yes, it's pretty dysfunctional on both sides.

But there's no point wasting your energy on it.

(My mum and younger db similar, btw)

Feckthehalls · 01/01/2013 23:06

This would annoy me too. what an odd set up.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 01/01/2013 23:06

this kind of looking after is totally normal

Assuming OP doesn't think this because dm does nothing of the sort for her, or ever has.

Dromedary · 01/01/2013 23:06

I don't think your DM is doing your DB any favours. But not much you can do.

Original poster

MajesticWhine · 01/01/2013 23:09

I'm interested some people think its normal. I just don't know of any other adult who does this.

OP posts:

BabysPointlessPocket · 01/01/2013 23:13

Most 40 y/o men have a wife that does it for them

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 01/01/2013 23:17

Well my brothers never left home but i could imagine my mum doing this if they had. She did everything for them and i never thought it was a good idea. I think teaching your kids to look after themselves and to be independent is an incredibly important part of parenting, so i never thought it was a good thing she was doing in the long run.

Bumpstart · 01/01/2013 23:18

Oh yeah, I could rattle off a list of people I know who do this. Gardening, cleaning, painting and decorating, Some sons, some daughters. I think it is odd to those of us who are working mums trying to do it all, but it seems really normal in those families where the mum is WOHM but the grandmother was sahm. I would ask her to do a few jobs for you too, to see if like a previous poster said, she ONLY does it for your db.

Parental interference can be trouble in a relationship, but it can also be a massive contribution to the running of the household.

breatheslowly · 01/01/2013 23:22

My DParents are very helpful and if they offered a laundry service I would be delighted.

pictish · 01/01/2013 23:24

My mum did it for my brother, and mil does it for dh's brother.

Our brothers are a pair of useless tits. We both (dh and I) used to make disgruntled noises about it to our mothers respectively, but it fell on deaf ears and earned us nothing more than a tight lipped appeal to mind our own business.

My mum died a few years ago so now my brother just does his own.
Mil still does bil's washing. He is 41.

It's pathetic, but it's not our call.

Viviennemary · 01/01/2013 23:24

Yes it's strange and no I couldn't see myself doing what your Mum does. Still she does it and it's up to her. I wouldn't get involved if I were you.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas · 01/01/2013 23:28

If they are both with the arrangement then it's up to them. Does this remind you of childhood issues?

Original poster

MajesticWhine · 01/01/2013 23:28

She doesn't do it for me - I live much further away. But even so, I think she still wouldn't do it for me, perhaps because I am a woman, and also I wouldn't let her.

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 01/01/2013 23:30

There's a woman on our road whose mother lives round the corner and collects her washing. Washes/irons it takes it back every other day.

I am sooooooo jealous...

Vicky13 · 01/01/2013 23:33

My mum did this for my brother until he was 34 when he got married. this despite him living 2 hr drive away. She once told me he owned 27 work shirts, because if he didn't get home for a week and ran out, he'd buy more rather than wash and iron for himself. He owned a house and a washing machine.

Luckily his wife is less of a skivvy, and she has very quickly taught him how to use the washing machine! I can totally see what he was getting out of this arrangement. i also think my Mum liked to still feel needed.

She has never done my washing for me, but I can't complain, as my dad is brilliant at helping me with diy and they have done some amazing stuff in my house eg replumbing, new kitchen, saved me £1000's by doing jobs that I could never have done without paying someone else to do.

They are very much of the generation that has defined gender roles. My brother is hopeless at anything to do with cars and diy, but if he asks for help they are outraged. Likewise if I asked for help cleaning or washing (despite being terrible at it!) they wouldn't even consider it and accuse me of being lazy.

Original poster

MajesticWhine · 01/01/2013 23:37

Yes it does remind me of childhood issues. I am working through some stuff at them moment, and this is helpful. Thanks.
I am willing to concede it is probably 90% jealousy.

OP posts:

Gymbob · 01/01/2013 23:38

She is obviously happy with the 'mummy looking after her little boy' arrangement. It means he still visits her regularly, and for that she will happily do his washing. She still has a purpose to her life and he makes her feel needed. In her day mummies taught the little girls how to look after the men.

I do think it is a bit weird particularly nowadays, and I do see how it grinds on you, because it would grind on me - but try and not think about it and let them get on with it I suppose....

HollyBerryBush · 01/01/2013 23:38

I don't think it is any of your business TBH.

their parent/sibling relationship is their business - unless of course you want the same treatment. Both are benefitting from it.

I have several (female) friends who work full tiem and their mothers do all their house work (incl washing, ironing) for them. sigh if only!

natsmum100 · 02/01/2013 10:22

My mum does this for my brother too, even when he is in a relationship. I'm certain she wouldn't do it for me. In fact, when I moved into a new house, before the washing machine arrived, I was welcome to do my washing in her machine, but the damp washing was then handed to me as I left - in contrast to my brother's neatly ironed pile of clean clothes.

I am sure this is because I am a woman. After I left home, my brother who still lived at home (I wonder why?) wanted his jeans which needed to be ironed. As my mother was busy, my parents thought I should iron them as he couldn't do it because he is a man.

tumbletumble · 02/01/2013 10:35

My parents come to visit me and the DC approx once a week. My mum often does the ironing for me while she is here

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