Bizarre relationship between DM and DB

[MajesticWhine]

My brother who is 40, takes his washing home to our mother. She washes, dries and irons it, or her cleaner irons it. This bothers me so much, it is just so extremely dysfunctional. He has never done his own washing. He is single and in fact, he never seems to have romantic relationships of any sort. I tend to think this fact is linked with the laundry. I just think doing your own laundry is a basic part of growing up and being an independent adult.

I have made clear how wrong I think it is. I have been told by my DM to keep my opinions to myself and that "at least he comes to visit me". She seems glad to be able to do something for him. He seems glad because, well, he's a lazy fucker. So these days I say nothing. Why does this trouble me so much? And can I do anything or should I just keep my nose out of it?

It's up to them. My ex MIL used to do all her dc's (four ) washing at various times for various reasons after they left home. Maybe they'd got back from hols with a load or very busy at work or something, she just wanted to help out.

Majestic - this treatment of your brother is holding him back. So not something to be jealous of.

Agree with those who say this relationship is dysfunctional. Google the words "individuation" and "psychology".

Dromedary - I agree with you - not something I would really want for myself. It's more a jealousy of what is symbolised by it though, I guess it has recently dawned on me about that the lack of maternal care I received, and all this washing and ironing represents that care.
Zazzles007 - I am a psychologist so I know what you're saying - and I am convinced it's dysfunctional. But some people are saying it's ok. I guess that doesn't really matter. What interests me is why it bothers me so much. Their behaviour is their issue I guess. But my reaction to it is my issue.

keep out of it
she wants to mother, and he wants to be mothered!

slightly odd , but happens all the time in Ita;ly!!

Sounds like your DM still wants to be needed, and/or has ingrained beliefs about gender roles, and that your brother is lazy/hasn't cut the apron strings.

Yes, it sounds unhealthy and dysfunctional to me too, but it's between them.

Do you want your mother to do your laundry too?
Do you want to tell her that it makes you feel like the unfavoured child?

You can do that - tell her how it makes you feel - without asking or expecting them to change. Which given your job I'm sure you know.

I think I would have all sorts of mixed up feelings about that one. When my parents were alive they would always be willing to help me do things like decorating and building projects and there with advice when asked for , and my mum did come in and take my washing away when I had my first son, but only the once. I was always so desperate to prove I could cope, probably too much so.
My eldest son is now at uni, and people keep saying " Oh I bet he still brings his washing home! " he hasn't ever.

You're right. It is bizarre, dysfunctional and infantilising. My brother has everything done by our mother too, and always has. I know it's none of my business, but can't help wondering if he would have enjoyed a full life if he'd been allowed to grow up and do things for himself. He could never cope with anything that adults do - from going to a music festival (returned home after one night) or university (lasted a week) to having a relationship with anyone. (Never. And he is 33) I am estranged from him because his behaviour is so far from what is acceptable for an adult that I can't have him around my children.

Majestic, when something bothers you as much as you mentioned, its probably because it goes against a long-held value that you have. Do you believe that a real adult should be (on the whole) self-sufficient? Or is there another value that the above behaviour goes against?

Just because some say its ok, does not make it so. You need to believe in your own truth, and find your own true north. For me, this behaviour would not be OK, because a true adult is (mostly) self-sufficient. If others believe this is fine, I have no problems with that.

Hope this helps.