So it's not all in my head then:( (long)

[MerlotforOne]

Can't quite believe I'm writing this, but need to get it written down before I minimise it again.
This morning, DH and I both a bit tired, DS (3) acting up a bit. DH offered to take DS and dog for a walk so I could get some peace. DS was being difficult about getting his coat on and DH was acting as though his temper was getting strained. He muttered 'I don't work hard all week to come home to this!' And then pinned DS on the stone floor and wrestled him into his coat. DS was sobbing and I wanted to comfort him, bu DH snarled t me to go upstairs and let him get on with it. I would normally retreat at this point so as not to provoke him, but today I decided not to and stood m ground.

He asked me again to go and I said if he was upset he should take the dog out and clear his head, and leave DS with me. He said 'you really don't want to push me just now' and I asked why he was threatening me? He walked over and shoved me really hard through the doorway into the next room and onto the floor. DS saw this and ran over to me. We both somehow ended up upstairs and DH followed us up and stood there saying I was over-reacting as it was only a shove had provoked him so i deserved the shove.

I was crying and DS was upset and brought me his muslin and dummy . I refused to let DH touch me and he told me again I was overreacting and denied the comment about me deserving it, said I had made that up. He then took DS and went for the walk. I haven't been able to send being in the same room all day, but daren't leave in case he gets really angry and does something worse.

He has only physically assaulted me once before, 8 years ago on holiday, and was so drunk at that time that he passed out and claimed no memory of it. He can be grumpy and I feel I walk on eggshells and that I have to justify myself a lot. Since the incident 8 years ago, I've always backed down before he lost his temper, and fooled myself that he'd changed, but I discovered mumsnet 6m ago and have been reading a lot on this board and feeling increasingly uneasy that quite a lot f it applied to me.

He is not at all financially controlling, but was very jealous and quite controlling of my social life (back when I had one) and can be quite argumentative after a drink (not that he drinks much these days). He can also be loving and affectionate and we have long periods of time where everything seems fine, but I've been excusing his behaviour for a very long time and now there are really no excuses left.

Don't know what to do really. Thoroughly miserable and very confused.

For now, get back into some normal rhythm with DS as much as you can, let others' comments wash over you. It's not up to anyone else. Whilst living apart it's all a bit artificial anyway, none of the day to day stresses H found so triggering, but you're home and have time to reflect.

"Trying" sounds reasonable (until you think trying what exactly, not to lose his rag, not to get physical?), are ALL friends and family pointing this out? Balances the views on MN, then).

Merlot, it must have taken a lot of courage to return home, and I admire you for that. I also think you are showing tremendous insight, which will be your greatest asset when making final decisions.

There appears to be many issues finally being faced here, and the recent violent incident the straw that broke the camels back, as it were. Perhaps you feel that your relationship has been unequal for a very long time, and that you have - understandably - resented that. Talking about these issues with a professional, in a safe, confidential environment, will help you find the clarity you need to decide what you want from your marriage. Stay strong, and think only of yours and the little ones needs for now. Your H must do the work on himself, if he wants to to regain your trust, although he may never achieve that again, no matter what he does, and you have already recognised that. Being pleasant and just paying lip service is not enough. I wish you well.

Merlot Good luck. Practically, and I don't say this because he may storm in and abuse you - it doesn't sound like that at all - but so you keep the upper hand until such time as you make any long term decisions; do you think it might be wise to change the locks so that he can only enter your home with your absolute permission?

I think you are being brave and courageous.

Friends and family, including my parents, keep saying ' well yes, it was really awful how he was treating you, but look how hard he's trying', so I feel under a lot of pressure to give him another chance.

I find it astounding that people feel that's a decision you need to make so soon, Merlot. It's been nine days. You need time - and frankly so does he. (Not that I think you are suggesting he is pressuring you to allow a return, this is coming from friends and family?)

That annoyance is a very good sign.

Please, please remember that he and you are both still caught up in the cycle of abuse and he is in a certain part of the cycle now. Watch out as he changes onto another phase.

Merlot, you have the right to nicely ask your family to stop using the word 'but' when they talk about your situation and how bad it is for you. You have the right to be very specific about the kind of support you need from them and to tell them when they are no longer supportive, and that this is not a case where the truth must fall somewhere in the middle.

Families cope with a surprise or a shock in different ways. Mostly those who are managing to stick their feet in their mouths just need to have a bridle strapped on and pointed in the right direction.

there's always a desire for the status quo - it's very human.

just take some time, nurture yourself, let yourself recover any way you need to.

you've had a real shock and that's trauma. you don't make big decisions or expect to be thinking straight soon after a trauma.

Oh merlot, must be so hard to have all these conflicting emotions & pressures about how you should feel and behave.

I hope you keep in touch with your feelings, it's ok to be angry & shaken & doubting, & don't be pushed into thinking there is a time limit on this and to be the good person you have to quash your own feelings and forgive forgive forgive!

It has taken years to get to this point, why must it be resolved in days? How can it be? That doesn't sound reasonable.

I think you may need a long time to come to terms with that actually did happen, why it happened, and slowly slowly see if you can open your heart & defenses to trust again. I am shocked by this expectation that it's fine now 'cos he's trying'. Him trying is a good sign perhaps, but it's the start of a very long road, & it may not happen at all if you don't want it - which is again perfectly reasonable.

Humans have a desire for stories, where there is an ending which feels satisfactory and timed right for the viewer. You aren't in a story book, or on a tv screen. You're actions & feelings don't have to be dictated by what media plots & pacing has taught us! Please listen to the beat of your heart, & your true feelings & needs. There is nothing wrong with needing time. And I really hate to think you are being pressured inadvertently into ignoring your needs & the reality of the situation. Stay strong & connected to your inner self.

I hope the small bun fight on here hasn't got in the way of supporting you. This is supposed to be your space to be supported & work out your thoughts & ideas. It's not very kind when people come on these threads to push their own agenda.

Please try to be gentle with me, I'm feeling very alone .

H is back home. He was here to see DS yesterday and got a phone call to say that a much-loved family member had died unexpectedly. We are both very upset and I just couldn't bring myself to ask him to leave again. This morning he's got up with DS, who is loving having his dad's undivided attention, and H is being very kind and helpful. I can't face having to burst his bubble again, so he's staying in the spare room.

I've asked him to take DS and go visit his mum this afternoon so I can have some space. I'm seeing my GP (who is also his GP) in the morning. I feel like crawling under the duvet and just staying there. I haven't got the strength to be around him, but I haven't got the strength to cope with boisterous DS on my own either. Every single one of my friends and family want to see us 'work It out' and I keep being told that he's a good man really and it was just the stress.

I feel like the onus is on me to sort myself out and get past it, and actually H is the only one telling me that I'm perfectly justified in being this angry and upset and confused. I want to scream.

Merlot, I am so very sorry for your loss.
It could not have come at a worse time for you.

Take what you need from H in terms of him being the other parent for your DS. It's perfectly natural that you would call on him at this time, regardless of the state of your relationship.

Every single one of my friends and family want to see us 'work It out' and I keep being told that he's a good man really and it was just the stress.

I feel like the onus is on me to sort myself out and get past it

If you can shelve this at all at this time, do. Tell them you cant/wont discuss it. What you need from them is unconditional support.

I am sad for you.

Why can't he take DS out to give you a break? Why does he need to be in the house to see his son?

Merlot, I'm coming late to this, just read through your whole thread.

I just wanted to sympathise about the attitude of your family and friends, and reassure you that you are entitled to disagree with them. I know it's hard, because you love them and they are (sincerely, I'm sure) performing all the usual "supportive" behaviours. When someone does caring, nice things and clearly wants to be on your side, it's all too easy to accept everything they say as true.

But this isn't true, is it. It's not ok "really" to terrify a three year old child. It's not ok "really" to threaten someone "not to push me" and then deny saying it. It's not ok "really" to shove someone over because of stress.

"He's a good man, really"?

"Really" is doing a hell of a lot of work there, isn't it. To be honest it makes me angry with them for putting their values and their desire for the maintenance of the status quo above your safety and peace of mind.

I know you won't feel able to be angry with them directly. But please remain receptive to your own feelings - you sound like a very perceptive person; if their advice makes you dull and confused and unhappy, it's probably the wrong advice.

Also, these lines from your last post are so sad:

I feel like the onus is on me to sort myself out and get past it

It really, really isn't, as I'm sure you know

and actually H is the only one telling me that I'm perfectly justified in being this angry and upset and confused.

And the effect of him saying this is to confuse you further. Which works out rather well for him, doesn't it.

I want to scream.

Hang on to that feeling because I think metaphorically that is what you need to do.

What seems to me to have happened here, is that you have stood up for yourself and removed yourself and DS from danger, and somehow you haven't ended up in a safe place, and you have ended up with a pile of work and obligations.

You were in a fog before the incident. You are still in a fog.

There are some great posts upthread about acting quickly while the incident is clear, and before time and manipulation of others can confuse you about what happened.

I think maybe you need to re-read them, and think about how you've got back to being at home with him, and whether you want to be there.

Please dfon't listen to your 'friends' they no nothing.

It wasn't them shoved through a doorway, it wasn't their son terrified and pinned to a floor.

Your H needs to leave again. He'll end up sweeping all this under the carpet. And you know it. You're sayoing as much already.

Get past the next 24 hours, but at the weekend he must leave. He is not going to get better if he is accepted back.

You have to be 'cruel to be kind'

There is NO hope if there are no consequences.

As soon as you are strong enough to handle DS etc again, he needs to go. Seriously.

otherwise you're sending mixed messages which are unfair on him, on DS and may screw up your chances of safe parenting in the future.

I sympathised earlier when you said you felt numb. I suspect as time goes on and the event which scared you recedes there is alnost a surreal, dream-like quality about the whole thing.

Having 'made a clean breast of it' so to speak, your H now has a reason for over-reacting ie pressure. Everyone outside your relationship wishes you well, this apparent breach in normal behaviour was so sudden, now there's a reason to latch onto. They can identify with stress and strain, who can't? I hope there's no inference of lack of support for poor H on your part.

Now there's a family crisis, a bereavement, more stress. I am sorry for your loss, would it be disrespectful to think the timing couldn't be worse.

Small wonder you feel like the onus is on you to work at this and fix it. I am glad you are seeing your GP. Am I naive to think it shouldn't matter if he is also H's doctor?

Totally agree about everyone latching on to the "stress" thing. It's can be a handy catch-all cause for practically everything, including hard, nasty, difficult stuff that most people find inexplicable because (thankfully for them) they've never had to deal with it.

You are not alone, you have us and there must be one good friend who would hear you out. The spare room is not a petty banishment. I know the duvet must seem preferable to life right now. Be careful nobody gets the wrong idea that it's you who isn't coping, or is somehow irrational.

Thank you, this is helping. He's gone to his mum's with DS for the afternoon. He was very worried that I 'don't think too much about all this and get yourself upset again', for which I read 'I'm worried that you're figuring me out and that you won't want to be with me anymore'.

I'm sitting with a cup o tea and my Bancroft book and feeling stronger again.

"Get YOURSELF upset again"??

That rings some alarm bells, I'm afraid. He's still not really taking full responsibility.

Merlot,

I know nothing about your dh. But what you are describing him saying, sounds like mine.

But I took him at face value, and didn't doubt his motives. And it has paid off. We have a bloody good marriage for over 16 years now and he is the most attentive, gentlest and best friend I have.

When we started, I was a giver and he a taker. He had a temper while I was calm and I just bore the brunt of his moodswings and walked on eggshells a lot. He was very high maintenance emotionally, and I became a shadow of myself.

At the 7 to 8 year point I got very angry and told him I wanted to end it. He did not trivialize my feelings, and promised he would try to change. But I would have have to work on it too and a toxic relationship takes two to change it. I had to let go of the anger, work as a team, to build a positive dynamic

We both recognise the sign of when he is being selfish and high-strung, and I tell him calmly and he stops and apologizes. And frankly it is really rare now. It was hard to let go of the anger, but I did. I was firm, he was self-aware and together we made it work for us. I give less and take more and we are in balance.

What ever you decide in our relationship, I wish you the best.

Your relationship, I meant.

I'm sorry for your loss as well. Do you have any girlfriends or other mates that you could share your feelings with at this time? It's bad if you feel you have to lean on the very person that, only a few days ago, was prepared to attack you.

He was very worried that I 'don't think too much about all this and get yourself upset again'

Christ, that's terrifying isn't it. Do you hear which pronoun he's using there?

He upset you by physically assaulting you. He is the cause of your upset. His solution? For you not to think about what he did. From his point of view, that makes the problem go away. He STILL does not really understand that it is his behaviour that is the problem.

I'm sorry, I think you need to get away again. I think the others are right, and he will carry on minimising and shifting responsibility now that you're back. Maybe without even intending to, but it's a long-learned behaviour pattern and he isn't going to break it overnight. You feel clearer when he's away even for a few hours, have I got that right? That should tell you something.

Im sorry for your loss.
Do you think he used your recent bereavement to worm his way back into the house?
I'm not saying he's not upset btw, just a bit sneaky/manipulative.

It doesn't seem to me that he really is sorry for what he did to you and your (totally adorable) DS.
It comes across that he's 'managing' the situation in a PR kind of way.
Damage (to his ego/reputation) limitation rather than actual remorse.

He's not taken responsibility, citing stress as the real cause for his actions.

This must be really hard for you when everyone in rl is being sucked in and feeling sorry for him.