How do I unpick this? Abuse related.

[sillymillyb]

I think this is going to be a bit long winded, and possibly not make sense as its very muddled in my head still.

Back story is this: My parents have fostered all my life, I was sexually abused by a long term foster child for several years (age 11-16), my parents knew about various incidents (me being beaten up by him, being watched in the shower, touched etc) but they never asked for the foster child to be removed from their care - despite me begging them. My mum says she feels a lot of guilt about this now.

I am now 32 (tomorrow!) and am having pschotherapy to try and make sense of all of this. I have come to terms with what the foster brother did, but what I still struggle with is why my parents didn't /couldn't(?) protect me. I decided many years ago when my dad died, that I wanted to maintain a relationship with my mum, despite what happened, and we are very close so long as the above is never mentioned. It is very much kept quiet, and if I blow up about something, i am seen as having always been difficult.

While I was being abused as a child, another of our foster children was also being abused by him. He eventually was removed because there was an incident where he was found on top of this girl (I'll call her A for ease) I know that A suffered as much as I did, but I have always felt resentful and irrationally angry towards her, I suspect because she got results when I couldn't. In return, she dislikes me, I suspect because I am the natural child of my parents.

With me so far?!

My relationship with A was always at best strained, at worst all out war. My entire family has continued to see her long after she has left care, although I have had no contact in nearly 5 years now. I think I have perhaps got all my feelings muddled about the entire situation and plonked them on this girl, but to be honest, I just don't know. The mention of her name can make me sob, I get so angry at her sometimes, and I know that this makes no sense.

Last mothers day, she called my mum and I answered the phone. I said my mum was not available (she was out) and it was a very clipped, short phone call. My mum then received a text message from A, addressed to me and stating I had fucked up my own life and was about to fuck up someone elses (I was heavily pregnant at the time, but single) that my dad would be ashamed of me, and that I was a disgrace to her family.

This hurt for many many reasons, possibly her claiming of my dad, and using the term "her family" possibly because I feel I have fucked up my life, and am terrified of doing the same to my sons, and possibly because my mums reaction to receiving this message, was to do nothing.

I moved back in with my mum when my ds was 2 weeks old, because I was struggling to look after myself. She very much wants me here, and says I am not ready to leave - although i get very little practical support from her. My ds is now 9mo and I would like to start looking to getting my own place again.

Ok, now A has just returned from travelling and my mum has started seeing her again. I cannot cope with this but am unsure why. It is causing major bad feeling within my family who all think I am being a bitch. I probably am, as I have no idea why I feel the way I do.

Argggh, anyway, thank you for still reading this epic epic post. I think I need to move out don't I? Why is my mum so against this? Am i being unreasonable?

I feel like a big failure, and that I am causing so many problems for everyone - everyone would get on so well and literally be one happy family if I wasn't here.

Anyway, thank you again for reading this. I'm not even sure there is a point to all this rambling. I know there is a problem, Im just not able to pin point what it is!

Jesus that was fecking long! Sorry!

Not sure, but can you try to talk to A about what went on?

Or go to counselling?

I am having psychotherapy at the moment, I'm just not sure I am getting anywhere!

A and I have no contact, it wouldn't be welcomed on her side as she really hates me, and I don't think I could cope with seeing her to be honest. I need to remain as calm and in control as poss because at the end of the day, my son needs me to not be a blubbing mess!

Erm, happy new year and happy birthday!

I suspect you will need to unpick this in therapy. Your OP offers several possible reasons for your antipathy towards A, hers to you, and your complicated feelings about your family. I'm sure there are many more, too. Sticky webs like this rarely arise out of an isolated situation.

What do you want your thread to achieve? Are you trying to clarify your own thoughts so as to bring them to therapy like a to-do list? Hoping to un-bury some feelings or memories that seem near the surface? Do you have some objectives concerning your family relationships, or what?

Your mother should have protected you. She failed you. Her reasons will matter to you in due course, but your feelings about her betrayal - then and now - matter more. It's common for parents who have failed their children to label those children fragile/difficult/crazy/etc. It's completely reasonable to feel furious that a parents protected a sibling (genetic or not) as they failed you. It would also be reasonable, psychologically speaking, for the 'rescued' sibling to feel guilty about your having been abandoned, and not to wish to face that.

How are we doing? Any use? :)

Ah Garlic, thank you! (and Lueji too!)

God I don't even know what I want to achieve with this thread, I think I was looking for some perspective to tell me to either get over myself or indeed that they could see why I had such issues with my mum / A, even if I can't see them myself!

I think what pressed me into writing this thread is that I want to move out, because I don't trust living here as a safe option - even if its easier (no rent / bills etc) and I'm not sure why that is. My mum has offered to rent me a house, but I feel like that would be a hold over me, but I'm confused as to why I think that.

Over christmas, I have very much been made to feel - perhaps correctly - that I've spoilt the dynamics. A can't come to the house because I'm here, family have not felt that they could say they were going to visit A, I felt left out as entire family decamped and left me in house while they had wonderful day trips out with A. This was all my fault.

I think I'm scared as well, to feel what I'm feeling, because well, she's my mum isn't she? I understand why its easier for her to pin the blame on me - but that's hurtful too. I know she blames me and want's me to get over this, and I just don't know how - especially now I have had ds, her decisions just seem madness to me.

Arse! Happy new year to you all too by the way, nothing like a light hearted thread to kick things off

I'm sorry you were abused.

Does A know that you were also abused as well? Was the perpetrator every brought to justice? And do the rest of your family know that you were also abused like A? (Sorry for all the questions).

I think your mum is and the rest of your family (although this depends on if they know) are being very unfair to you. Your mum and dad failed you massively as a child and I would question why you keep in contact with your mum. (Although I understand atm you're living with her). I think moving out with your baby and being completely independent from your mum is certainly a first step in your healing.

New years bring new thoughts, quite often uncomfortable ones!

Have you ever been on the Stately Homes threads?

I'm reluctant to offer an opinion on how to handle your mother's offer of a place to live. I'm pretty sure you are right about the controlling aspect of this - but such motives are often bound up with a desire to make amends (even if the guilt is not admitted.) Your ability to take any positives, while rejecting the negatives, will depend very much on where you are with regards to objectivity about your mum and the impact of her inactions on you growing up. It doesn't sound as if you're at all clear on it yet. In my experience, therapy + Stately Homes makes a powerful recipe.

I think I'm scared as well, to feel what I'm feeling, because well, she's my mum isn't she?

This is "FOG" - fear, obligation and guilt.

Have a look here, as well.

I think your parents got their priorities very wrong. They overcompensated, giving way too much attention to the 'poor foster kids' & leaving their natural child out in the emotional cold.

It's often a difficult time for children when they get a new natural sibling. It has to be handled very sensitively and, even with scrupulously equal treatment, siblings can go on to believe one or other is favoured. You don't mention any natural siblings... do you have any?

Your parents introduced damaged strangers to your family who you believe replaced you in their affections and who you know abused you. When you complained & begged about being assaulted, their feelings (both 'A' and the abuser) were given priority over yours. Your mother may feel guilty about it now but I think you were neglected at a very important phase in your life and you still feel that you are second best to the strangers.

All I suspect you've ever really wanted is for your DM to say she loves you best of all .... and to show you some long overdue favouritism.

Sorry for disappearing, ds needed feeding and to go to sleep. Thank you again for your replies, I will take a look at those links and venture onto stately when ds has settled (I'm like a yo-yo at the minute. damn sleep training!)

Cogito I think you have picked up on some thing there, I have 2 natural brothers, but they are much older so were disconnected to an extent from what was happening at that time. My eldest brother has aspergers so is very black and white. He asked my mum to stop fostering when my dad died, and said it is fostering or me. She chose to continue fostering, and they have only recently started having a relationship again some 10 years later (well, he visited at christmas - it's a start!)

I think another point which I struggle with, is that my parents fostered for 30 years before I was even born and they were very insistent that we were their natural children and that the foster children, whilst loved and cared for, were not "theirs" and were not to call them mum / dad etc. With the 2 placements above (the boy who abused me and A) they were encouraged to call them mum and dad and were privately educated, told they were equal to us etc, had little social work involvement. So I do think maybe subconsciously I feel I was being replaced, or perhaps just that my security in my family position was unsettled.

Don't worry about all the questions - if it helps give advice then I am very very grateful. A knows I was abused, as do the rest of my family. There were certain incidents they knew about at the time and then I told them everything when I was 20 and my abuser tried to find me when I was at uni. The police became involved, and he was known to them, but I didn't take it any further except to say if any one else came forward I would then I wouldn't mind being contacted again, but not just me alone.

I struggle with feeling like I'm making a fuss, this all started nearly 20 years ago. I know from counselling though that my self esteem is rock bottom, and stupid /dangerous situations I have put myself in since are all tied up in it.

I'm scared to make decisions now I have ds in case I am making a similar mistakes, and I feel like everyone is almost waiting for me to fail. I am perhaps being paranoid though!

I think a long term no strings escape plan is what I crave, but at the same time I am terrified of it - which seems bizare to me!

I have travelled independently and lived all over the world, but I keep putting myself back into a position of living with her (I returned home after my relationship broke up, and have rented a house off her previously) My counsellor has suggested that I am trying to give her opportunities to protect me to almost undo what happened before, but I am not sure. Would that not be setting her up to fail?

Im sort of talking out loud here, sorry if it makes no sense!

It's not making a fuss. It's making sense of a dysfunctional childhood. Kids should always grow up with the fundamental security of knowing that they are #1 in their parents' affections (even accounting for a few siblings) and that their parents would shift heaven and earth to protect them from harm. It's basic stuff... even animals know how to do it. If your experience is the total opposite... lower in the pecking order than strangers and also put in the way of harm even as an adult ... and you can't even rely on your parents, then the insecurity that creates is equally visceral.

So all you have to remember with your DS are two things... 1. show him you love him more than anyone or anything else in the world and 2. tell him you will always do your best to keep him safe. Anything else you do or don't do is really not that important in the grand scheme of things. You really won't fail.

" My counsellor has suggested that I am trying to give her opportunities to protect me to almost undo what happened before, but I am not sure. Would that not be setting her up to fail?"

You want to give her the opportunity to say I love you best of all. It's not setting her up to fail so much as what Shakespeare referred to as 'the triumph of hope over experience'. In spite of everything you're an optimist.

Ahh, that quote makes so much sense. I would never give her an ultimatum to choose A or me, as I have seen what happened when my brother did the same. So perhaps I am recreating smaller scale choices for her to prove I am her priority? It feels very selfish of me. I'm 32 for gods sake!

I am going to write down your words of advice for me and ds. You have very clearly and concisely pin pointed exactly what I want to achieve. Thank you.

Knowing the above situation, and knowing she will never choose me (probably rightly, it would be pointless now as I am an adult) how do i come to terms with that? I don't know how to get over this hump - I want a relationship with her, I just hate the positions I am put in, as I can't cope with A in my life as she represents so much.

Hesterton, she has suggested I could take social services to court and sue them, as they were apparently at fault for not disclosing he had been abused or had a history of abusing others.

I do feel guilty about taking her help though, as I feel like she does it out of guilt, so me taking that help is taking advantage some how as Im no further forward emotionally which is what she wants. If that makes sense?

I have spent the last few days doing sums and yes, it would be tight but I could manage.

I have isolated myself though, so the only people I really see are her and.... well.... her! It will take a lot of effort to put myself into the social arena again.

It's very daunting, but I think very much the right decision.

I agree with all Cogito has said.

I actually think this is very very simple. Your family let you down. They didn't protect you. When you say you pleaded with them to not have your abuser in the house they did nothing - but they did act for A who experienced the same thing. That's awful. I can't begin to understand how hurt and alone that must have made you feel.

You simply want your mother to put your arms around you, tell you she loves you more than anyone and that she's sorry she didn't act properly towards you - don't you? I would crave that.

I think your hatred of A is simple too. She got the protection you needed/wanted. She appears to be more important than you to your parents. That would cut me to the core.

A may in no way be more important to your mum than you....but from your past experiences these are the feelings you have and the conclusions you've come to (albeit perhaps subconsciously).

Is it a mad idea to ask your mum to come to family therapy with you?

Lastly, sending you out a massive virtual (((((hug)))))

Oh bloody hell, now I'm blubbing! Yup, I think that's it in a nut shell harry!

I am terrified of family therapy - the last time we had it was what kicked off my brother cutting all contact. Also, I truly don't want to hurt my mum. I know she has made a real mess of things, but she in now older and convinced this problem is mine. I am not sure she could cope, nor what exactly she could do to better the situation now when all these years have passed?

Plus, I don't know if this is warped, but I can sort of see her point. She is adamant she made the best decisions she could, and that although she can see they were wrong now, her intentions were only ever good. They are not the decisions I would have made, but taking that at face value, am I not being unreasonable to be so hurt by something that was never malicious?

I really don't know! I know my family feel that I am being unfair in not being able to get over this. ragggh. It's never straight forward is it?!

Thank you all for your replies by the way, it has given me a lot to think over

hesterton Im winging it, honestly!

Bloody hell, that opening post on stately homes has really hit home. I'm a bit overwhelmed actually!