How do I unpick this? Abuse related.

[sillymillyb]

I think this is going to be a bit long winded, and possibly not make sense as its very muddled in my head still.

Back story is this: My parents have fostered all my life, I was sexually abused by a long term foster child for several years (age 11-16), my parents knew about various incidents (me being beaten up by him, being watched in the shower, touched etc) but they never asked for the foster child to be removed from their care - despite me begging them. My mum says she feels a lot of guilt about this now.

I am now 32 (tomorrow!) and am having pschotherapy to try and make sense of all of this. I have come to terms with what the foster brother did, but what I still struggle with is why my parents didn't /couldn't(?) protect me. I decided many years ago when my dad died, that I wanted to maintain a relationship with my mum, despite what happened, and we are very close so long as the above is never mentioned. It is very much kept quiet, and if I blow up about something, i am seen as having always been difficult.

While I was being abused as a child, another of our foster children was also being abused by him. He eventually was removed because there was an incident where he was found on top of this girl (I'll call her A for ease) I know that A suffered as much as I did, but I have always felt resentful and irrationally angry towards her, I suspect because she got results when I couldn't. In return, she dislikes me, I suspect because I am the natural child of my parents.

With me so far?!

My relationship with A was always at best strained, at worst all out war. My entire family has continued to see her long after she has left care, although I have had no contact in nearly 5 years now. I think I have perhaps got all my feelings muddled about the entire situation and plonked them on this girl, but to be honest, I just don't know. The mention of her name can make me sob, I get so angry at her sometimes, and I know that this makes no sense.

Last mothers day, she called my mum and I answered the phone. I said my mum was not available (she was out) and it was a very clipped, short phone call. My mum then received a text message from A, addressed to me and stating I had fucked up my own life and was about to fuck up someone elses (I was heavily pregnant at the time, but single) that my dad would be ashamed of me, and that I was a disgrace to her family.

This hurt for many many reasons, possibly her claiming of my dad, and using the term "her family" possibly because I feel I have fucked up my life, and am terrified of doing the same to my sons, and possibly because my mums reaction to receiving this message, was to do nothing.

I moved back in with my mum when my ds was 2 weeks old, because I was struggling to look after myself. She very much wants me here, and says I am not ready to leave - although i get very little practical support from her. My ds is now 9mo and I would like to start looking to getting my own place again.

Ok, now A has just returned from travelling and my mum has started seeing her again. I cannot cope with this but am unsure why. It is causing major bad feeling within my family who all think I am being a bitch. I probably am, as I have no idea why I feel the way I do.

Argggh, anyway, thank you for still reading this epic epic post. I think I need to move out don't I? Why is my mum so against this? Am i being unreasonable?

I feel like a big failure, and that I am causing so many problems for everyone - everyone would get on so well and literally be one happy family if I wasn't here.

Anyway, thank you again for reading this. I'm not even sure there is a point to all this rambling. I know there is a problem, Im just not able to pin point what it is!

am I not being unreasonable to be so hurt ... ?

I struggled with this one, too

"I hurt" is a feeling, not a judgement. Feelings can't be reasonable, unreasonable, wrong or right. They're feelings, that's all. Neurological events happening in your own mind and body and not affecting anyone else.

What we do with them: learn from them; act on them; project them onto somebody or something - there are myriad possibilities - can affect other people and events. The very first thing to do with them, therefore, is to respect our feelings enough to fully experience them. This prepares us to try and understand the emotion, to decide whether it's "relevant, appropriate and helpful", and from there to determine whether to act on it or let it wash away.

That looks a lot more woo than I intended. Sorry! I hope it makes some sense in the framework of your therapy?

I need to thank you, btw, Milly. One of your posts shone a much-needed beam of light on a problem of my own.

((( Thank you )))

Sillymilly, I don't doubt for a second that anything your mum did was malicious, but none the less these are the feelings you have been left with. I don't thinks its unreasonable of you at all. No-one's to blame, apart from your abuser and some poor decisions your mum made with the best of intentions.

I think your only hope is the stick with the therapy. Perhaps swap counsellors if you feel you're going nowhere.

I think you should tell yourself daily, that your mum (and your dad of course) love you. They make the right decisions when I was young and I feel let down by that. That's ok. It doesn't mean we love each other less.
As for A, it's ok to feel anger & hatred. I think it's natural, only I think it's a shame as you've suffered the same abuse that you couldn't have been closer. I think the fact she got the support you didn't has made it impossible.

Hope 2013 is good for you sillymilly

didnt make the right decisions (bloody fat fingers)

... decide whether it's "relevant, appropriate and helpful" should actually have been reasonable, appropriate and helpful.
If, say, someone puts me down I might feel worthless. Testing my emotion:-
Reasonable? - No. One person's passing opinion is not an assessment of my value.
Appropriate? - Not all that. She may have meant me to feel bad; she may not. If she did, anger or annoyance might have been more appropriate.
Helpful? - Kind of. Perhaps I need to do my self-worth exercises.

I hope you find this at least one out of the three

"They are not the decisions I would have made, but taking that at face value, am I not being unreasonable to be so hurt by something that was never malicious?"

It's the thoughtless decisions that hurt more than the malicious ones IME. At least when people are being malicious there's something to get your teeth into. But when you've been massively hurt by someone's thoughtlessness whilst maintaining that they were doing the right thing they're essentially asking you to forgive them for their stupidity. Never find that very satisfactory, personally.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"...