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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Night Shifts

46 replies

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 01/01/2013 10:10

Have started the latest of many many....can't really call it a relationship...
A dating site guy again, seems very kind, very very funny, in the police so has a good job that keeps him busy.
Talked non stop over the last week and he couldn't get enough of me. He suggested we meet up, which we did sat night. We clicked - he basically seduced me with humour, and the sex was pretty fantastic.
I stayed much of the next day with him, and that evening he started a night shift...and since then the contact has dropped off to very little. Again.
Is it the night shift...? Or have I once again, shagged my way out of a good thing?? I realise I sound thoroughly teenage, and I assure you no one would ever know I obsess about this crap, I keep it all locked up in my brain...which I'm sure makes it worse!

OP posts:

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 01/01/2013 10:17

Have I got this right...you spent most of Sunday with him, then he went to work in the evening. He must have got in from work Monday morning and slept the rest of the day. Then got up probably at 5pm to get ready to go to work again, and you're wondering why you haven't heard from him?

You ARE kidding, aren't you?

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 01/01/2013 10:19

Hold on, you haven't even 'not heard from him', just contact has been 'very little'. LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

Original poster

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 01/01/2013 10:24

Whoa! Ok. I just wanted a bit of friendly advice, don't really want to be beaten about the head with how stupid I am!

OP posts:

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 01/01/2013 10:29

Um..... Why did you sleep with him so soon? I never get that. I know that this is a real grey area with some people saying it is not an issue and others saying it is but..... I am assuming you wish to develop a relationship with someone. Perhaps you need to consider what messages you are giving out. Take things more slowly. You say yourself you have started many, many relationships. Or are they encounters?
That said.....

With all due respect you perhaps need to calm down a bit. You stayed with him most of Sunday, it sounds like he has been in contact, he is working nights..... chill out and find something else to do so you are not obsessing about it all. It sounds to me like their is a pattern to all of this. Perhaps take a look at why this may be the case.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 01/01/2013 11:05

Sorry if I sounded harsh, but seriously, you do need to chill out a bit or he's going to run a mile.

sparklekitty · 01/01/2013 15:42

My DH is a PC, night shifts suck. I pretty much don't see/hear from him while he's working nights, part of what you get into being with a policeman (or any other shift worker I guess)

Dont stress

izzyizin · 01/01/2013 15:46

the contact has dropped off to very little

How much is 'very little'?

VivaLeBeaver · 01/01/2013 15:50

When I'm on nights I don't do anything but sleep and go to work. It's awful, I feel like shit the whole time, don't sleep well, it's like pmt x 100. I wouldn't feel like ringing anyone even for a short chat.

Original poster

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 01/01/2013 16:18

A handful of texts in 48 hours. And what he's texting is pretty dull - I feel like he's just sending me stuff while he decides how best to get rid of me.
Which is part of the dreaded pattern, Absoluteightiesgirl. I find signs - whether they exist or not - that the guy has lost interest, and ditch him quick before he has a chance to hurt me.
What I need to do, is as you say, chill out - if he tells me he's not interested, so what? I won't die! But there's something in me that won't let that happen.

OP posts:

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 01/01/2013 21:17

Aww, bless ya. I came down hard on you because I make the same mistakes you do. Try reading 'Why Men Love Bitches', or 'The Rules'...they explain why men run when you come on strong. Best of luck. x

bleedingheart · 01/01/2013 21:27

It's hard but I think you need to relax a bit. Looking for signs that someone is losing interest and dumping them ASAP is a sad way to live. Say you keep in touch with this guy and he texts and says he had fun but he's not looking for more (or stops texting etc), you're right, you won't die! Who will know? Only you and the man in question.
If you are going to sleep with someone be sure you can handle it if it's a one off I think. ONS are fine but not if you want more.
Good luck!

bleedingheart · 01/01/2013 21:28

Oh and I meant to say night shifts csn suck! And turn lots of people into monosyllabic shadows of their former self!

ubik · 01/01/2013 21:31

he's probably just tired.

give the man a break

bestsonever · 01/01/2013 21:54

Lol, sorry but you come across as a bit obsessive bunny-boiler type. I've just done a nightshift over NY, have made wrong decisions with online dating so got an idea about where going wrong. Yes he may be just after sex (as a high proportion are online). The way to find out is by resisting the temptation to go for it after a fab night out -tempting though it is. Can only sort out those wanting a quick thrill from the others by getting to know them 1st. As far as texting back goes, the man has to sleep sometime FGS. But if I was keen after and recieved a text then I would reply during a break - which could be 4 am or not until days off as a break is not always possible.

hogmanyay · 01/01/2013 21:54

I did night shifts fri sat sun night.slept 3 hrs mon. Went bed late last night as NYE . Feel rubbish. If I didn't have kids I would have been asleep most of the time
Do u know how many nights he is doing...
Of course he might hate u cos u kept him awake sun and then he had a nightmare shift! ( joke but as others have said go easy or he'll get majorly pissed off if not getting enough rest) You really go into survival mode or it all goes tits up I,m afraid

bestsonever · 01/01/2013 22:01

you got a handful in 2 days when working nights!! Yes he's interested, but sadly you are one mixed up neurotic woman who needs to chill and have a life other than obsessing about men - you would have less time to worry about counting texts if your life was filled elsewhere, and that is seen as more attractive than the way you are going about it.

Original poster

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 01/01/2013 22:18

Ouch bestsonever. I don't really see how calling me an obsessive bunny boiler or a mixed up neurotic can be seen as advice, but I guess it takes all sorts on this forum. I'm just a normal 31 year old, trying to make it work with someone new.

OP posts:

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 01/01/2013 22:22

You shouldn't really need to be 'trying to make it work' after one date. Relax, put your phone in a draw and go read a book.

MoleyMick · 01/01/2013 22:25

My DH does nights. Although he is naturally a night owl so enjoys it, it does play havoc with his social life - he gets home in the early hours still buzzing from work and had breakfast with us, then sleeps til late afternoon, so if someone with that schedule was dating, it would be hard to stay in touch really. Chill

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 01/01/2013 22:27

Do you think you should be dating? While I accept it can be a minefield it should also be enjoyable. You do not sound like you are having much fun. If you are actively looking for signs that someone has lost interest this will can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

badinage · 01/01/2013 22:27

Oh FFS don't beat yourself about having sex and FFFS don't read any books about Bitches and Rules.

If he isn't interested, you'll soon find out and if he's been put off because you had sex, you've had a lucky escape because men who punish women who've had sex with them are misogynists.

MoleyMick · 01/01/2013 22:30

Also agree whole-heartedly with badinage!!

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 01/01/2013 22:37

How can a man losing interest with a woman after a ONS be perceived as punishing them? A misogynist...really? Or possibly someone who simply had a shag because it was there for the taking.

badinage · 01/01/2013 23:11

Because men who are put off by women who are grown-ups and like them, have the sex that they want, when they want it - have absurd double-standards about men and women's sexual rights. If two adults have agreed to have sex, it's fine if one of them doesn't want to take it any further afterwards. It's not fine if the only reason for not continuing the relationship is because a woman has agreed to have sex 'too soon'. These constraints on women's sexual choices are absolutely rooted in misogyny and if a woman has the misfortune to be judged like that by a man she's had sex with, she's better off without him.

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 01/01/2013 23:17

I guess it would be impossible to ever know if that was the case. I don't think any bloke would be brave enough to own up to that as a reason for binning someone (unless they were an absolute first rate shit)

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