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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Night Shifts

46 replies

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 01/01/2013 10:10

Have started the latest of many many....can't really call it a relationship...
A dating site guy again, seems very kind, very very funny, in the police so has a good job that keeps him busy.
Talked non stop over the last week and he couldn't get enough of me. He suggested we meet up, which we did sat night. We clicked - he basically seduced me with humour, and the sex was pretty fantastic.
I stayed much of the next day with him, and that evening he started a night shift...and since then the contact has dropped off to very little. Again.
Is it the night shift...? Or have I once again, shagged my way out of a good thing?? I realise I sound thoroughly teenage, and I assure you no one would ever know I obsess about this crap, I keep it all locked up in my brain...which I'm sure makes it worse!

OP posts:

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hogmanyay · 02/01/2013 16:38

But the point is that the decision to have sex on the first date should be based on whether the OP wants to, knowing that a relationship has not really started, not the best idea in many ways as surely there are just too many unknowns but should not be based on whether or not the man views the woman as too available or easy after sex on the first date...... That is an outmoded view and one that has no place now
It's about taking control and making the choice as a mature woman rather than playing games based on what you think the man is expecting or his views on women after sex are.
If he's not happy it shows he isa misogynist and makes no sense

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 03/01/2013 07:21

I don't know what has happened with this guy. I know he wants some form of contact, because he's initiating it, but he's not suggesting a second date so I have to wonder what the point is.

I guess the bigger issue is no, I'm not enjoying all of the self doubt that comes with dating. Sex on the first date shouldn't be a problem - I got a husband out of it once before! I feel insecure with guys I have dated and not had sex with at all, it's just my personality. I don't know what to do about it though - therapy hasn't done much besides help me understand why I do what I do, it hasn't made me change the cycles. I've tried loads of new activities, I have loads of friends, I live with some lovely people so I'm never on my own....

OP posts:

Looksgoodingravy · 03/01/2013 09:07

For what it's worth I think some posters have been a bit harsh with you.

You've already stated this is 'inside your brain' so you're hardly going around being a bunny boiler as to the outside world no-one would know.

You've every right to feel the way you do. Full on and then nothing and even if this person is working a night shift what does it take to send a text? nothing. The fact that the texts are now all pretty bland compared to last week might indicate he's not interested, who knows. It's a position I don't envy you being in OP.

If this were me I'd back off and be as bland replying tbh.

hogmanyay · 03/01/2013 11:16

Yes cool off for the time being and keep busy
If he suggests a second date say you can' do anything until the following week, you are busy and have to be organised

VivaLeBeaver · 03/01/2013 11:37

Why wait for him to suggest a second date? Blokes can be nervous as well.

Ask him if he fancies going and seeing X film or something and then you know where you are. He either says no and you can move on or he says yes and then you go on a second date and take it from there.

mammadiggingdeep · 03/01/2013 13:25

Definitely agree with the idea of taking control! So he says no to another date?! So what?? Onwards to the next guy. You'll feel less insecure about the whole dating game when you start taking back a bit of control. X

mammadiggingdeep · 03/01/2013 13:27

Also....nothing wrong with sex on a first date. That's how me and my dp got it together 6 years ago. If you know however, that it adds to your insecurities then maybe it's not for you and you should hold off until you feel a but more secure with a guy

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 03/01/2013 18:26

Thanks everyone, even the harsher words have been noted.

Ok, I asked. Quite like taking charge, must be the inner control freak! He said of course...and we're meeting next wed after I've finished work. Can't help but keep thinking - am I placing far too much importance on this? Do some people naturally place such importance on forming relationships, or have I got a screw loose and that why it means so much to me...? I don't feel like I have a screw loose!

OP posts:

badinage · 03/01/2013 21:02

I don't think you've got a screw loose at all. I'm glad you've taken control of the situation. It was just as much up to you to suggest the second date as him, so it doesn't matter who does it, really it doesn't. You're grown-ups FFS and far too old and sensible to play silly games.

Just take it as it comes. If you need this to be an exclusive relationship, just ask him whether that's what he wants too. If you don't, then enjoy it as a casual relationship.

VivaLeBeaver · 03/01/2013 21:56

I don't think you've got a screw loose. But you do sound lie you might be taking it all a bit serious a bit quick. I've been guilty of the same in the past.

It does tend to put blokes off though!

Try and enjoy it but be relaxed. I don't mean playing games and acting uninterested to make him keen. I agree that as an adult those sort of games are daft. But if a bloke was texting me loads it would put me off to be honest. I prefer taking things slowly, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested. I think a lot of blokes seem to take this approach.

whateveritakes · 03/01/2013 22:11

I wouldn't have sex with someone I really liked until a while into the relationship. I would expect to be doing it on a regular basis in the future and would want to ensure I made the first time nice enough for him to do it again.

However I can do a ONS if I'm not that bothered about a bloke. Why turn it into a men are misogynists?

whateveritakes · 03/01/2013 22:13

Blimey this moved on a bit quick!

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop · 03/01/2013 22:14

My BF works rotating shifts and is wrecked when he is on nights.

He also got very upset early on in the relationship as he worried that I was only seeing him for the sex.

Men can be insecure and worry about being used too.

Well done you for taking the initiative and asking him out! Hope you have fun

SquinkiesRule · 04/01/2013 02:53

Night shift sucks. When my Dh did them he worked, slept and ate, he hardly communicated with me and the kids, and we lived in the same house. I just used to shove plates of food and cups of tea in front of him, same as I saw my Mum do for my Step Dad. They are like zombies on auto pilot on nights, especially when the shifts rotate.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 04/01/2013 13:04

Urgh. He's a dick.

Nothing much last night, then a text today saying he was too busy for next week.

I'm sorry to say, the text I sent back said. 'Fine. You're not dicking me about - goodbye'

Sad face.

OP posts:

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 04/01/2013 13:18

ohhh sweetie..... put it down to experience and dont dwell on.

badinage · 04/01/2013 13:27

He's a coward.

Dust yourself down and maybe give dating a break for a short while.

But please don't interpret from this that you shouldn't have slept with him so soon. He wanted to, so did you - it's no big deal. If he's lost interest because you've already had sex, better to find out he's that sort of bloke now than later down the line.

On the other hand, he's entitled to not want to take things further, but not to be dishonest about it and claiming that he hasn't got time to see you.

SquinkiesRule · 04/01/2013 19:45

Yeah he's a Dick! Sorry to hear that OP.

MrsHarryPearce · 04/01/2013 20:06

Big deep breath OP. The fact he is 'busy' is not your fault and nothing to do with sleeping with him when you did which was right for you both at the time. You will feel better in a few days and in the meantime just embrace feeling shite knowing you will come out of it stronger. Chin up, sister.

MonetsGardens · 04/01/2013 20:16

A dick. You are perfectly entitled to have safe sex with any man that you fancy.

Sadly there are lots of sad men out there who only want sex and are incapable of maintaining anything like normal human interaction afterwards.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 05/01/2013 11:25

I just wrote a huge long 'he said, he did' type of message but the reality is, I'm attracting the same guys because I'm needy. I need to stop dating. You're all right. All of my friends say it, my mum says it, my housemates say it but I thought I knew better!

Cold turkey, I guess. It sounds stupid but I'm scared to be without the attention.

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