I need help and fast!!! May be long!!

[mirandassofunny]

Where to start, maybe last night when i went to a lovely friends house for dinner, i ended up ruining her perfect dinner party because i over reacted, at a comment my husband made. Then i I'd blame the drink but that just seem's a cope out although i may have been able to hold my tongue if i'd not had a drink! I feel resentment towards my husband and i'm not sure if it's justified or if it's because i'm unbalanced, he work's hard and pay's for the house and bill's, but he does nothing around the house and never can see what needs doing, ie damp needs sorting, sagging ceiling may be a problem, i think these things should be sorted to avoid them getting worse, he just ignores them! This drives me nut's. I'm always trying to get things done, always seem to be on the go, and he has a great ability to be able to do nothing for Hours and day's, We need help in our marriage but he cant / wont see that, he say's it's me i nag all the while. God i could go on forever, is that moaning. Where do you begin to make thing's better?? As a result of last night i've txt my friend to apologise and heard nothing, not that i blame her tbh, Hubby stayed in bed until 1pm and we've not spoken a word! What a great way to end the year!!

I think you need to take a bunch of flowers to your friend and apol

Oops!
And apologise properly.
As to your DH - you need a proper, non alcohol filled talk about what you both need from this marriage, if it is to survive.

I don't think a text is enough if you ruined her dinner party - you should go round or phone.

Was it as bad as that to ruin a whole night?

It's rubbish that he's spent half the day in bed.

Flowers i know, and i will, just don't think it would be very clever to drive today!!
I wish i could talk to my husband, he doesn't talk he just say's i need help!! which as you can imagian makes me thrilled!!!

does your friend know your having some marital problems? if not i would explain and yes to taking some flowers and a card....you may need to grovel.

then you obviously need to sit your dh down and tell him things have come to a head. Would he go to counselling with you?

Are you sure you actually ruined her dinner party?

I know i sometimes worry that ive embarrassed myself or something on a night out, and when i have apologised, no one had actually noticed or thought that it was worth apologising for. My anxiety leads me to over analyse everything. Is it possible you are doing the same?

She does know the problems bless her, it kind of makes it worse because she is also in a similar situation, but she always conduct's herself in a very lady like manner (like i should!!). My husband wouldn't do any kind of counselling, although he'd be happy for me to go alone!! or take pills or just shut up and be a perfect wife!!

its difficult when there are problems in a marriage that are unresolved and then u add alcohol into mix. our true feelings come out and we say what we feel and also what we would never dream to say when sober. u need to talk to dh and apologise for saying the things u did, apologise for when and where you said them (when drunk and in the company of others . whoops) have a gd chat and tell him that resentment builds up because nothing is done about stuff that needs doing... positive thinking and putting things in a positive way rather than nagging is difficult but is the only way that things will change and he will listen. my dh switches off and doesnt listen when im nagging. when the right time arrives i try to put it in a way that doesnt nag or moan, also praise when he does stuff without being asked always works for me !! good luck..
as regards the friend.. ring her as a text is a bit of a cop out tbh, we all make mistakes and im sure u didnt really ruin the whole noght, a true friend will forgive and forget xx
again, good luck x

Oh puds, i so wish i hadn't, but i did, we'd finished eating a perfect meal and her hubby was in the kitchen tidying up, the children playing in a different room, so just the 3 of us, and i overreact!!

How big of an overreaction was it? Raised voices, or shouting and tears? I'm sure its no where near as bad as you think it is

What did he say? You might not have actually over reacted.

Definitely go apologise to friend, she sounds lovely.

What's stopping you booking workmen to come in and fix the ceiling, damp etc? If you lived by yourself, wouldn't that be what you would do? He sounds lazy which is obviously a PITA and I suspect the tip of the marital iceberg but, rather than getting frustrated waiting for him to shift himself, wouldn't it be easier to book the work and just hand him the bill? At least then your house wouldn't be falling down and adding to the stress....

TBH, i think it was him telling her she had offended him 13 years ago and i thought he shouldn't have said that to her at her dinner table and after she'd just cooked us a fantastic meal, and then i behave like a 3 year old grab my bag and call for a cab!! then i refuse to give him my house key's, after he'd asked for his house key's ( it was his house before we met!! another problem / story!!) So yes i raised my voice at him, then when i realised how badly id behaved i said sorry, and cried when i realised how much i'd hurt her feelings , we were talking and the taxi came so i left

Sounds as though it was your husband who misbehaved not you. You were sticking up for your friend. I think he owes the apology.

Yeh, maybe , but it was me who behaved like a 3 year old, wasn't it, and cogit, money is a bit tight at the minute, and i tend to do anything i can. He's not the most hand's on person (but i probably wouldn't be so flipping resentful if he at least tried!!)

Yes I agree, flowers and a heartfelt apology to your friend.

My dh is very similar and it also drives me nuts. I swear he would live in a hovel if I wasn't here. However, after 15 years of marriage I've realised that nagging only stresses me more than him. We are very different people. He doesn't mind a mess I am ultra organised.
To be fair I am a SAHM and he works long hours often bringing more work home with him.

What works for us now is that for big jobs I employ someone else to do it. We also have a whiteboard in the kitchen. If I need him to do a job I write it on the board. At the moment there is take some broken bits to the tip and re-seal around the bath. He can't forget the jobs and does them when he has time and I don't need to nag.

So he's an offensive knob that embarrassed you in front of your friend? .... I don't think you overreacted or were badly behaved in the circumstances. You probably put up with his shit at home but when you see it being dished out to someone else - someone you actually like - it suddenly hits home how unacceptable it is and something snaps. My exH used to go around doing that - usually because he was pissed. I forget how many times I had to make our excuses from nights out and leave, red-faced at his horrible antics.

i have a whiteboard in the kitchen too, maybe this will be a good use for it, (Buthe'll probably just ignore it!!) cause then it will go away!!
Time is another factor for him, he work's mon - fri, plays golf every Saturday course being open, and has a day of to relax on a Sunday, i also work, but at home and now only 3 days a week, i do volentary work all day on a Monday, house work fit's in on a Tuesday, God how did i get here?? He's a gentelman with perfect manners to the outside world, it's just me he's normally rude to, but he say's that's because i'm rude to him, Like i should curtsy when i take him his cup of tea in bed every morning ( Not today though funny enough!!)

Erm his Saturday golf IS relaxing, so he's getting 2 full days off a week. Which sort of works out the same as you, 4 days work/volunteering + 1 day bulk of housework - but do you really get to "relax" and have 2 full days off, or are you still doing cleaning, cooking etc at the weekends?

Oh gods just reread your last post - please tell me you're joking when you said Like i should curtsy when i take him his cup of tea in bed every morning ?????

Golf? and relaxation? Do you brush Little Lord Fauntleroy's ermine robes before he sets off for work in the morning too?

Hurts when you see a friend getting the rude treatment normally reserved for you doesn't it? Hits a nerve.... The man's a self-entitled fuckwit.

LOL, no seriously i have made his life so nice and relaxed, he's now a lazy git, Yeh i get to cook and clean for him and everyone else in the house, do the decorating, make any curtains, walk the dogs, do the garden take my 6 year old to whatever her diary is booked for, ( not that i mind any of that!) But it would have been nice if i were appreciated, but you could probably have that conversation with 90% of moms, i guess i'm getting the day off today sat here moaning!!!

cogit, i certainly do, my job is to look after my master , tbh, i'm sure it was the shock of it, but i'm sure she knew his capacity, she hear's me mentioning it enough

Also, golf is that a relaxation, OMG i never knew, and this 19th hole he get's stuck there, it must be a big sand bunker, poor love him, he must get stressed because of it!!

So it's not really a serious issue, his behaviour and lack of acknowledgement of your contribution is entirely liveable and you're just complaining over nothing? Is that the size of it?

Oh hell, hmmm, yeh i guess!!! i'm gutted i upset my friend, she has been so supportive and listened to me whinging about him!!! him, well i'll just clean the toilet with his toothbrush for a week!!!