Step children lying... Modern Family difficulties

[Harrisd]

My fiancée and I had a devastating row ruining what would otherwise was a great Xmas. We live together with her daughter (my stepdaughter) full time. She is 7. My daughter lives with her mother (8yrs old) and is with us most weekends and half of all holidays. My relationship with my stepdaughter is great. Very proud that she feels she can call me daddy. its not always easy of course but my fiancee and i have done our best to understand things as we have gone along and work together to ensure a happy loving home. We still have the odd disagreement over rolls and responsibilities etc. and mistakes have been made. neither of us sure sometimes of the best way to act.

Back to my Fiancée, she has worked very hard over the Xmas holidays to ensure that neither of our daughters feels outdone by the other (a common balancing act). In fact she is always conscious that the two feel equally loved. She often feels that this love is not reciprocated by my daughter in the someway I am loved by hers. My daughter was given a mobile phone as a gift. My fiancée was horrified to find a string of text messages on it to her maternal mother that were essentially lies indicating that she was having a terrible time for one reason and the next. It instantly broke my Fiancées heart. It's not the first time we have encountered this and my Fiancée feels gutted by this following all of the efforts made to ensure a special Xmas period. We both work very hard in our careers and work very hard at maintaining our "modern day" family. Heart breaking. I strongly told my daughter off ending by telling her I was extremely disappointed with her and that lies are never acceptable etc. I left her to sleep crying without even saying good night (this now breaks my heart as I think that this was a terrible way for me to react). Not knowing what to do or say about the situation to get under the skin of it all. I let my emotions rule my head. Now I'm completely distraught as I feel my whole family slipping away...

[nkf]

Modern family dilemmas indeed! You're just making stuff up and everyone else has to buy in.

[Booyhoo]

boney it may be my experience. that doesn't exclude it from also being the DD's experience.

my dc's have a father. he has a house that is his home. it is not my dc's home being that they have lived solely with me for all of their lives and he has only gotten his first home in may. they have stayed there a total of about 15 nights. they have spent more time with my parents than they have with their dad but it doesn't make my parent's house their home either. where they live with me is their home, where they go to see their dad is 'daddy's house' and that is what they call it. they call the house we live in together 'home'. i dont think it's unreasonable to think that the DD in this situation may not consider her father's house her home. nor do i think it's unreasonable (and certainly not aggressive!) to point that out to the OP as something he may not have considered. it is relevant to the situation.

[Madmum24]

Gosh I'm having deja vu of my own childhood :-( OP, you need to forget about the "blended family" ideal and realize that your daughter clearly is not happy with the balance. I have been the child that your daughter is, spending two days a week with my dad, having to play happy families whilst another persons child called MY daddy Dad, I cannot begin to tell you how put out I felt.

Aside from the fact that I think a Blackberry (or any mobile) is not a device a 7 year old needs, if I were you i would be less concerned at how your fiancee feels and be more astute towards your daughters feelings. Spend time on your own with her, after all she comes to see YOU, the sisters/stepmum/step grandparents are all extra people, she may be desperate for some time alone with you.

At any rate, 7 year olds do tell lies sometimes, I would be more annoyed with fiancee for snooping on her (you should monitor her) and besides your dd's mother knows the txt was an exageration so no harm done!

Whilst your fiancee is upset, she does sound a bit of a drama queen.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

yohohoho
"How is suggesting his house is not her home, aggressive?"

suggesting wouldn't be agressive stating is.

Booyhoo

Have you always said "daddy's home" and your house as "our home" its very easy to set these rules up in a childs mind.

[izzyizin]

Whether or not mobiles are suitable for 8yos pales into insignificance compared to the OP punishing his dd by causing her to cry herself to sleep without even a 'goodnight - sleep tight' while he took himself off to cosy up to his Fiancee - and his 'other dd'?.

It's to be hoped that if the OP takes himself off to the 'step' board, he'll be universally condemned made to see the error of his ways together with those of his precious Fiancee.

My heart goes out to a little girl who no doubt believes that her daddy doesn't love her because she 'ruined' Christmas.

I want to kick her callous father's arse to kingdom come I wonder if Christmas will ever hold any magic for her again?

[Jemma1111]

I'm starting to wonder why if the Op's so distraught he hasn't come back to this thread to hear peoples advise/opinions .

Also can't figure out why a 'father' would write in the thread title about 'stepkids' when he's supposedly posting about his own child.

Maybe its the 'fiancee' posting . Whatever. Something doesn't sit right to me .

[Booyhoo]

yes i have and so does their father. he refers to the house that i live in as 'home' when talking to the dcs. if they started calling it home when going to their dad's i would take it as a sign that they now felt it was their home too and would refer to it as such. i take my cue from them and haven't set any rules wrt what they call my house or dad's house or where they feel more comfortable. they can go there any time they want, they know this.

[nkf]

It's either:
made up
he doesn't to hear any more
he's busy
fiancee is crying so hard he's had to give her a sedative.

[Booyhoo]

actually i dont say 'our home' i just say 'home'. to say 'our home' would be odd IMO.

[Booyhoo]

"Maybe its the 'fiancee' posting . Whatever. Something doesn't sit right to me . "

i feel the same.

[izzyizin]

Whoever has written the OP is a twunt and, apart from those of the unfortunate child who cried herself to sleep, any tears are of the crocodile variety, Jemma.

[izzyizin]

fiancee is crying so hard he's had to give her a sedative

@nfk. It's to be hoped he's given her a personality empathy transplant too.

[Convict224]

My two sons have cut my heart with unkind careless comments when they were your daughters' age. They occasionally say or do hurtful things now and they are in their twenties.
I suggest that you, your daughter and maybe her Mum, have a little chat about honesty. Honesty that your daughter gives you a true picture of how she enjoys her time with you and your fiancee and her daughter and how it can be improved or maintained, and then honesty how she relates that to her Mum. If her Mum loves her, which I am sure she does, then she will be happy to know her child is happy when visiting her Dad.
However I must say that I totally condone checking text messages and computer usage until she is considerably older. Not sure when is the right time to give her total privacy, but this is a matter you and your ex should agree between you. I think you are a loving father and wish the best for your family. Good luck with that, I hope it all gets resolved.

[Binfullofgibletsonthe26th]

Hopefully he's taken his dd (the real one, I'm getting very confused) home to her mum (her real one) after a nice treat, a heartfelt apology and a cuddle.

Whatever's happened I just pray she's not still stuck in that bedroom being punished.

[Booyhoo]

convict do you really think a child's text messages to her own mum need to be opened and read? what do you imagine would be in them that might harm them child?

[Convict224]

Booyhoo, well in this case it has opened a can of worms and either the Dad has no idea how his child sees their time together and needs to learn how to make her happier or the child is afraid to let her Mum know that she is happy spending time with her Dad and his fiancee and her daughter. Either way there is something not right and should be resolved for the child's sake.

[Jemma1111]

Hoping this thread isn't for real because if it is , well, that poor child is all I can say.

If this is genuine then Op, have a word with yourself .

[Booyhoo]

yes convict it has revealed a problem but surely the dad shouldn't be depending on seeing private text messages between an 8 year old and her mum to know that! my ds is 7 and doesn't have a phone, i dont expect to be privvy to all the conversations between him and his dad. i trust my instinct to let me know if he's ok or not and i let him know that he can trust me to tell him how he feels. i also trust that his dad will come to me if he feel there is anything i should know about our dcs that they have told him. i definitely dont think this incident should be used as 'proof' that texts between child and parent need to be monitored. if you really think your child's parent will be harming them through text then you dont let the dc have a phone and dont let the parent have contact!

[Booyhoo]

trust me to tell me how he feels.

[perfectstorm]

I really, really hope this thread is not for real. Because if it is, there's a child here who will eventually cut all contact with her father to protect her own sanity, and I certainly wouldn't blame her.

And snooping on an 8 year old's private messages to her own mother, then punishing her because you don't like what you should never have read? My God, that's a new level of low.

[snowshapes]

If my dd were left to cry herself to sleep at her dad's house, over something like this, she would not be going back.
FWIW, I have an 8 year old DSD and I can't imagine snooping through her things or leaving her crying, for that matter.
What planet are you on? Stepfamilies can be hard work, but the basic rule is always, always that the kids did not choose it.

[exoticfruits]

I really don't know how that attitude helps the DD snowshapes! All the adults in her life need to stop thinking about themselves and put her first- not use her as a pawn to be fought over.

[snowshapes]

What attitude? That I wouldn't want DD to be left to cry to sleep? I wouldn't. I mean, I get that I can't go wading in there, but that thought would be heartbreaking. I honestly would find it very hard to send her back.

[izzyizin]

I fully agree with snowshapes. On discovering that your child has been deliberately left to cry itself to sleep, the natural reaction of any right minded parent would be to not place their dc at risk of any further such occurrence.

The fact that this 'd'p and his dFiancee are clearly away with the fucking fairies not in their right minds would further reinforce the desire to protect dc from their delusions excesses.

[akaemmafrost]

Agree with snowshapes too. I'd have ripped OP and fiancée new ones (figuratively) and given fiancée something to really cry about.