Step children lying... Modern Family difficulties

[Harrisd]

My fiancée and I had a devastating row ruining what would otherwise was a great Xmas. We live together with her daughter (my stepdaughter) full time. She is 7. My daughter lives with her mother (8yrs old) and is with us most weekends and half of all holidays. My relationship with my stepdaughter is great. Very proud that she feels she can call me daddy. its not always easy of course but my fiancee and i have done our best to understand things as we have gone along and work together to ensure a happy loving home. We still have the odd disagreement over rolls and responsibilities etc. and mistakes have been made. neither of us sure sometimes of the best way to act.

Back to my Fiancée, she has worked very hard over the Xmas holidays to ensure that neither of our daughters feels outdone by the other (a common balancing act). In fact she is always conscious that the two feel equally loved. She often feels that this love is not reciprocated by my daughter in the someway I am loved by hers. My daughter was given a mobile phone as a gift. My fiancée was horrified to find a string of text messages on it to her maternal mother that were essentially lies indicating that she was having a terrible time for one reason and the next. It instantly broke my Fiancées heart. It's not the first time we have encountered this and my Fiancée feels gutted by this following all of the efforts made to ensure a special Xmas period. We both work very hard in our careers and work very hard at maintaining our "modern day" family. Heart breaking. I strongly told my daughter off ending by telling her I was extremely disappointed with her and that lies are never acceptable etc. I left her to sleep crying without even saying good night (this now breaks my heart as I think that this was a terrible way for me to react). Not knowing what to do or say about the situation to get under the skin of it all. I let my emotions rule my head. Now I'm completely distraught as I feel my whole family slipping away...

[YellowTulips]

Jemma1111 I don't really see that at all...

Based on the posts I think you are stretching here to make DF the root of all evil. It seems to me she is trying hard to include the OP's daughter.

I do however, think that she and the OP are being unrealistic in how to do this.

[CrystalEclipse]

This is actually all about your daughter having a different perspective to yours.

Whether I love where I am or not, I always look forward to going home. Whilst you provide her with what you see as an equal home your dd has her own perspective.

Most kids at some point will utter the dreaded I didn't get any/didn't get enough/ got lousy presents. Normally reaction is a talk about how lucky the child is and offer to send the presents to a child who appreciates them.

Whilst "my sister hit me etc" may well be an exaggeration /lie/stretching of the truth, did you stop to find out? Did you get both her and her "sister's" perspective, before making a judgement? Or did you just wade in accusing her of being a liar? I wouldn't like being somewhere where I was automatically condemned as a liar. Quickest way to ruin both your
relationship with her anc her relationship with her step sister.

I would give some more thought to the phone. It's instant communication gives you no opportunity to resolve matters in house before It escalates to mum

Of course you will never have this opportunity It your dd feels her perspective is unvalued

It you want a happy blended family you must first recognise that you have forced your dd into a relationship with two people she may or may not always like. AND ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FROM YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.

These relationships will need care. It your dd is confident that you respect her opinion you can make that happen and whatever happens with the other relationships THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE will be ok

[Jemma1111]

Yellowtulips

That is my opinion, I've said I may be wrong but I'm being realistic.

[izzyizin]

Yes, I think she finds it stressful having separated parents. I do strongly believe she is happy with her other life with me. She is happy that she has a much larger family that it brings e.g. Many more cousins, another grandma and grandad ( who she loves to visit) etc

Are these 'cousins' the dc of your siblings and is 'another grandad and grandma' your parents, or is this another instance of you attempting to rewrite history by pretending that your Fiancee's family members are related to your dd by birth?

[CrystalEclipse]

Incidentally why in the title did you accuse your step child of lying

[HisstletoeAndWhine]

I said the fiancée and the op were desperate, the DD sounds raised to be as insecure as her mother, but how could she be anything else? She is bestowing the title of Daddy on a male that is not her father, and worse, him letting her, to the detriment of his own DD. For a variety of reasons naturally, but it looks like the supposed parents are being ruled by illusions, hopes and imaginary fairytale ideas, and are throwing all common sense and responsibility out of the window, commiting the eternal and fundamental mistake to try to be friends with their RESPECTIVE children.

An unhealthy dynamic, if ever there was one.

This is not a blended family, this a soon to be LIQUIDISED family. The happiness of the flaming fiancée and the OP at the expense of everything and everyone else.

There are 2 little girls in this who are being mashed up.

[izzyizin]

I can see the same picture as Jemma, tulips.

I can also see that it may be the case that the OP's dd is regarded by him and his Fiancee as 'their eldest' and, as such, less tolerance is accorded her than her younger faux- 'sibling'.

However, whatever the truth of the matter, the fact is that the OP's dd is unhappy and this is not being addressed by her df who prefers to play charades than engage in hands on parenting.

[jessjessjess]

So your dd is not allowed feelings. Or privacy,

She is not the one in the wrong here. I'm hiding this thread now before I say something far harsher.

[izzyizin]

It seems to me that the OP has become a Stepford fiance so identified with his Fiancee that he sees her 'stepchild' as being the sole cause of the discord in their relationship that has 'ruined' their Christmas, Crystal.

Notwithstanding the fact that the 'stepchild' in question is his OWN DAUGHTER, he has seen fit to punish her for no other reason than she has engaged in behaviour that is not uncommon in 8yos regardless of whether they are part of blended or unblended family.

There's no prizes for guessing what the two unfortunate dds who have to go along with the charade created by the 'responsible adults' in their lives would be writing if there was a offshoot of mumsnet called 'childsnet'.

In essence, it would not differ greatly from that which many adults who've had the misfortune of experiencing dysfunctional childhoods post here on a daily basis

[Jemma1111]

I meant to add, the reason she is checking your dd's phone IMO is because she's worried about what your dd is telling her mum.

If the fiancee was treating your dd kindly then she would have no need to 'keep tabs' on her.

It possibly goes like this>At the start of the year Fiancee goes to your mother complaining about 'lies' your dd has supposedly told. Your mother rings your ex as I guess she doesn't believe your Fiancee. Fiancee was 'very distressed' then.

Now, over Xmas Fiancee is 'heartbroken' over dd telling 'Lies' again.

Utter bollocks. Don't you get it OP? , dearest fiancee WANTS your dd to look bad.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Op, if you haven't disappeared, ask for this to be moved to the step parents board, you might get some less agressive answers on there.

[CrystalEclipse]

Boney- can I say I think that's a really unhelpful post. It you read the thread as a whole you will see a whole range of opinions but I think all would agree the op's dd is the innocent party in this and the op needs to rebuild bridges with her

[WakeyCakey]

It may be a a bit kinder OP to get this moved to step-parents.
I would just say, your df is doing ok but she seriously needs to chill out. Children lie when they are stressed!
Your DF is probably making your DD on edge by being so false with her when she is there!
There is no problem with a step-mum checking her dsd's phone, I do it, but I will never read messages to her dm. She needs to have privacy away from your DF and she needs to have privacy with her dm.

Would you have shouted at her if the message had said 'I hate my step mum!'

You can't blame a child for having feelings, there is a reason she lies and it is probably all down to the fact you have forced her into a fake family that she didn't ask for.

You need to start making time for just you and your dd! She will benefit

[BoneyBackJefferson]

CrystalEclipse you can say what you like. HTH

[CrystalEclipse]

Thank you

[akaemmafrost]

How do you know it's a lie? Maybe the kid is really unhappy. Why the assumptions that she's lying?

[exoticfruits]

It is a difficult situation. I don't think that DSD calling you Daddy is a good idea, it must be very hard on DD who, however hard you try, is the visitor in the family.
As the visitor she needs some privacy. The text messages may only be what she thinks her mother wants to hear anyway. She may be under a lot of stress to feel part of 2 families when she doesn't feel right in either.

[CrystalEclipse]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that whilst It might be a kinder response you'd really struggle to get so many alternative perspectives in the same place.

It is very hard to post anything critical of step parents in the step parenting board just as step families often get a bit of a rough ride in lone parents. To get such as balanced and wide ranging spread of opinions you would really need to post on both.

you are quite right It may be gentler posting in stepparenting but in this case, I wonder whether you could beat the wealth of advice and hard earned experience you see on this thread, whether itturns out to be applicable or not

[CrystalEclipse]

The best advice isn't always gentle

[lunar1]

Boney why do you say the replies are aggressive, my post was from the point of view of a step child as I have been where his poor dd is.

Others are posting from their experiences, nobody here has been aggressive and there are good reasons this is an emotive subject. I think the op really needs the bubble bursting that he has built around his life.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I am all for the step mother should back off, you have left your DD upstairs crying, Listen to your daughter etc. Put whatever spin on them that you like but other comments Stepford father, your house but not her home etc. are uncalled for and are just posters projecting their own issues on the OP's situation.

[exoticfruits]

I think that you could do with having a calm chat with your DD tomorrow and apologise for getting so annoyed. Give her time to talk and actually listen without jumping in to justify things. It might be best to go for a walk, just the two of you, it is often easier to chat when walking. I think that you could do with spending more time with her on a one to one basis. Even if they were sisters there would be sibling rivalry and yet two girls have been thrown together and expected to bond because the parents have put a lot of effort into it and expect it. When you know that people are trying hard it is very difficult to tell them that it doesn't actually work for you.

[MrsFlibble]

Op have you actually spent time with your DD, on your own.

Maybe she feels less your child than your SD, and it now feels like more than a obligation to visit, she sounds messed up and pushed out.

And maybe she wasnt having fun, feeling the tension from your DP, over silly stories shes told, well shes 8 and feeling like, its join us and leave mummy or dont come over, at 8 years old she will interpret what she sees.

Take her out and talk with her.

PS, Fiancee sounds like a drama queen.

[yohohoho]

How is suggesting his house is not her home, aggressive?

It happens alot in blended families.

[nkf]

So many questions. What on earth is a maternal mother? Why are you giving mobile phones to 7-year olds? Why is your fiancee reading your daughter's texts? Why don't you ask yourself if she told her mother the truth as she sees it? Why does your daughter's mother struggle financially? Don't you think your fiance might be a bit too nosy and thin skinned for the role of stepmother? And finally, are you making this up? Because it's mind boggling that anyone could be so insensitive and stupid.