Heartbroken and struggling to cope

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

Freedom programme. Did you call them?:)

Yeah but they run in mornings when I have to work. That's not negotiable

Maybe think about using some holiday time to be able to go?

You do not even have to do the programme if you do not want to but if you need a bit of support WAid are the ladies.

I only called them as I couldn't move on from my X, I thought he could change and if I hadn't made that call last March I could be with him now - he knew this, he has no idea

Why I have changed

I haven't spoke to my Support Worker and I miss her tbh. She keeps me sane/strong, seeing her next week to go over my support plan, I have no been with this man for 2 years 5 months and I am still a bit lost in life.

I feel the only people who I can talk to and they understand this is people who have been through it and W.Aid are more trained up ladies who have sadly been through it all, even my support worker has triggers, she is happily married now.

I see a psychologist every 2 weeks also, she tries to talk to me about the things I find hilarious, I cope by giggling Such as:

'Yeah he is a low life, he ran me over with a car for being whistled at, the weirdo' (giggle) If I insert a giggle I can pretend I am not talking about me

or

'I would like to go to sleep without my legs benig tightly crossed' (GIGGLE)

I still have triggers, Fizz on Coronation Street her bloody text alert she has just now is one, I jump everytime it goes off, I thought I was nervous as she was having an affair etc etc, I listened again, sure enough it's my boys dads alarm clock tone...

It was a fight every morning to get him to go to work and one noise brings that all back - strange how one noise can set you off

I also cannot watch many things we watched together, bloody memories, not so much of being with but being abused by him and his g/friend...

They planned to try have me kill myself, by telling so much to hurt me I would take my own life, it didn't work...(they told me their intention - idiots)

I am not scared of my X anymore, I don't think I ever was tbh, I fought back a lot, I am scared of what I could do to him (and her), I have had some very nasty thoughts, I had to take my car to my Dads for a month, I kept seeing X in his car and was My thinking then was 'just keep driving into him you have an airbag'

Sorry small rant there...

Get some couselling and move on, don't let one man ruin your life, like mine

@ fabulous no holidays to take yet, and whilst I think it would be good to get away, I feel I really must deal with the issues first and not run away, that is what my ex did. Always hung up, always ran away, and I want to break the cycle and face life head on.

@yappy I don't really know what to say about your story; it's truly horrific, it is both tragic and inspiring, tragic in the severity of it and AN other human beings want to have you take your own life, but also inspiring in that you have chosen a life away from him and the emotion, and I can't begin to understand how hard that must be, every day. Your post really struck a cord with me; I tried to mini similar his behaviours , even after I had gone my family would say 'he could have killed you', and now I think YES he could have. Before I would justify it saying 'but he just pushed me, it was me who fell, I bruised easy. I would defend his constant need to run away saying 'we all deal with things differently' and I'd lie and cover up.

I understand what you're saying about triggers. I feel there are a lot of them. I think I will call women's aid, did you speak initially on the telephone?

Chaos I am absolutely fine believe or not. It's like looking back to someone else life, you just cope with things don't you?

I called W. Aid (was terrified of them), and arranged for someone to come and see me, she arrived, I think she asked why I called and 'my story' came out, then I asked if I was wasting her time, she assumed me I wasn't and talked about the Freedom Programme and brought me a book, like I said earlier, I only flicked through it - it was hard seeing it written down and my X had all the traits.

By August my support worker was coming every 2 weeks, just chatting about anything that came up, she asked me to go to a group, I was terrified (again), the first week was strange, by week 6 or 7 I was in tears, not for me but for others, some were still with their Exs but knew they had to do something as they had DC. I was the worst in the group, possibly because I stayed so long, other had been through 2 or 3 abusive relationships, they kept making the wrong choice for men.

I was given my shiny certificate in December but I am still getting support, I don't know why tbh, I have no idea how long this lasts for, possibly because my boys are in counselling I still see her, I am unsure.

There was gap after the programme and I was supposed to go to something else on a Wednesday, tbh it takes people to almost force me to go to these things and I cancelled my appointment before Christmas as sometimes I like to keep it all blocked out!

I think even talking over your feelings with WA though is an option, I had to text and mail my worker a few times when ex contacted me/boys etc.

She always has the correct answer about what to do. For everything, she makes me feel silly at my questions sometimes

Well I feel like I've had varying degrees of coping!!!!!

I've been at rock bottom, to highs where I feel anything is possible, to lows where am scared I'll never meet anyone because my trust issues will prevent it, and anyone i do meet won't want the hassle, does that's me sense?

Your support worker sounds fantastic, am going to call them when am alone.

I think I now really see my ex for what he was.

Yeah it makes perfect sense, I am the same just now, I find if I even date a 'nice guy' (normal) I fall into a fake love within 3 hours, or I detest them right away and want to run away, it's very strange, thankfully when I fall in love in 3 hours..it usually goes again.

Give them a call and see how you get on!

I will do, thank you so much.

Anytime

Anyone still there? Ran into him at work yday :( he was awful slammed door in my face and called me awful things?! Is this normal

Yes this sounds normal for someone like him, I'm going to lose my internet connection after today for a few days, please, just ignores him at all costs

Well, it is normal for him. As he is not a nice person.

You DO NOT have to accept it and as he has done it at WORK, you should report him tbh.

Omg Chaos REPORT REPORT REPORT

Such an ass !! My lundy Bancroft book arrived, it's incredible!

Am going to have a word with his boss, whom I know quite well

Hopefully this will be a one off but in case it isn't I suggest you write down everything he said and did and if there were any witnessesd even if they said or did nothing.

No one ever witnesses it. He's such a bulky. So cruel. So mean. So unnecessary!

I will carry on being here for as long as you want but you really need some real life support so I suggest you tell whoever needs to know at work since this happened at work and if he does anything out of work then report him to the police. This man is a bully and bullies need standing up too.

JustFab is correct, of course

How do you feel Chaos.

Men mess me up too.

He also said he'd played badminton with his ex, his exes brother fixed an ongoing problem with our house Etc, why would he say that? I was dumbfounded and just glared through the whole thing

sole I feel dumbfounded, dejected, hurt. Not angry, just flabbergasted. But he will just always let me down, always. Never fails. I loved him south sigh. I feel used And the life has been sucked out of me by it, wonder how to trust and love again?

• thought not sigh!

I've accepted all now, 3 weeks today. Wow, where's my life gone?

I am celibate so justfab is best to ask about that....

Just ended two year onlineSkype guy in America. He messed with my headtoo because I let him

He wasn't that bad but one slight tjing I run awsy as I have just done..

Its going ti take a lo g time. Your feelings are deep

Yeah they are. Sorry to hear you ended a r/ship sole and that didn't work out for you, you're lovely!!!

(((Chaos))you are too,.lets get married!
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