How to help DP pull his weight in being a stepfamily

[babadeems]

Don't want to dripfeed but don't want this to be a mammoth post so will try and keep it concise.

DP and I, and (my) ds have been living together for 2 years. In case it's relevant ds' father is not on the scene at all so it's just the 3 of us in the immediate family. Before we moved in together we discussed the impact this would have, that DP was happy with becoming a stepfamily but knew it was something that would grow over time, not something that would happen overnight when we moved in together. And for want of a better phrase DP has 'stuck' to that, started building a relationship with ds etc, and of course I appreciate the effort he's put into that.

I'm not trying to have a go at him at all, he's lovely and if he knows what to do/what's expected of him he'll do his best to do it which is all anyone can ask, so I'm not complaining about him. BUT it's becoming more and more apparent that he doesn't seem to 'get' what family life should be like, or at least what I feel it should be like, and I'm finding it really hard to pin down what's missing AND get it across to him.

For example, if I ask him to hoover round he will, but he won't notice that the place needed hoovering in the first place. If I ask him to play with ds he will happily but he won't start it - if ds says he's bored either I play with him or we both ignore him. If ds needs telling off DP will look to me to deal with it or will get flustered and say he doesn't know what to do - even though we've talked about basics but DP having to find his own 'stride' with ds. If a letter comes home from school there's no way DP will deal with it or even check what it's about, he'll assume I'm going to do that.

Each example on it's own sounds quite small to me but I'm finding it really stressful feeling like the 'mother/manager' of both of them and not just ds, having to keep tabs on EVERYTHING from dates of ds' after school clubs to housework to budgeting. I'd like to be able to do my fair share but also have some things I don't have to think/worry about because DP will be 'picking up the slack'.

Basically DP isn't lazy but seems to expect orders and be 'assigned' responsibility for set things rather than taking responsibility for half of all of our lives IYSWIM. I don't know how to get across to him that he needs to take control of his role in our family, not wait to be told what to do by me. He's very insecure about his role anyway so I don't want to 'mother' him and make him feel he can't do it by himself but how do I point out where I think he could 'step up' without making him feel he's useless atm (and without having to point out every little thing that needs taking care of around here)? I don't want to reel off a whole list to him of 'you should play with ds once or twice a day, take the bin out when it's this full, clear the fridge out before I have to do it, check when ds' next dentist appt is, check on our bank account etc etc etc' - but he doesn't seem to pick up on any of it without me doing that. Not sure how to approach this!

Should add we've talked about this before and I've said how I feel about 'managing' everyone and everything and DP has said he doesn't want it to be like that and wants it to be equal but after that he just doesn't seem to SEE what needs doing from day to day to have an equal family life. It's more like I've got two lives - as a single parent and as a no-kids couple, and ds and DP are just mates to each other.

write a list of all jobs together and write his name next to half of them

Thanks cybbo - have tried that with some of the housework with limited success (he forgets when it needs doing) but what about all the 'little' stuff that only comes up now and then but all lumped together is a lot of work - like arranging optician appts or thinking what to do at the weekend or remembering when something in the fridge was opened so ds isn't fed out of date food (stopped dp from doing that a few times)? Can't point it all out to dp without making the most massive list but can't take it all on myself. Even if I made a gigantic list I think he'd get overwhelmed and forget half of it.

Babadeems welcome to my world and l have been married 28 years. My DH is lovely but he just does not SEE what has to be done in the house. He will happily work through a list that l give him without moaning but he can look at a washing machine full of wet clothes and it will not dawn on him it has to be taken out.
This does not make him lazy or a bad DH he is truely lovely but l just think he comes from another planet at times.

I don't think this is step-parent problem, it is just a bloke thing, many are just oblivious to the needs of even their bio children if they live with them, unfortunately in a very unscientific straw poll of my mummy friends this is par for the course.

Just keep at it, it's not like he won't do stuff, (half the battle won) he's just not proactive. I think it's great that he is committed and gets on well with your DS.

Who did he live with before you, perhaps he was used to someone else running the show before so is not experienced at it.
Not making excuses for him, but it sounds like you have an okay DP, he just needs some training, i'm afraid....

Yep, sorry should have made clearer that I'm sure this isn't just a 'step' problem, know other 'bio' couples where the woman does about 80% of the home stuff, but I suppose it's far more obvious and a sudden change to me going from single parenthood to trying to work out a 'new' daily life.

Squidy - he lived mostly on his own but also with a quite bossy gf and has a bossy mum who always helped him so I fully expect he hasn't had to do most of this stuff before and does need training up - just not used to doing the training

If I'm honest I'm most bothered about he relates to ds, I want him to take more responsibility so we can be joint parents, don't know how to get across that he needs to pick up when ds needs entertaining/looking after/disciplining/etc and do it himself, not wait for me to 'order'. Eg if he needs to give ds medicine I want him to read the bottle and find out what to give, not just ask me, if we're in all day and ds is climbing the walls I want him to think why that is and suggest we go out somewhere etc. Not all the time obviously, I'm not asking to resign, but more than he does.

He doesn't sound that bad. Think you may have to manage your expectations a bit. If you have higher standards than him you will end up doing more e.g. I like the bed linen changed more frequently so I change the beds. DH likes to look smart for work so I know he will wash and iron his clothes therefore I don't do them. DH would not check sell by / eat by dates like I would so I check the fridge and make sure anything out of date is not in there so mistakes can't be made. I hate the way you talk about training him up, how would you feel if he talked about you like that?

I could have written this post. I'm so fed up right now.

I too don't think this is a step issue at all but a man issue! I have the se thing here, DH does 'tasks' whereas I seem to have managerial responsibility for the household. Agree it's very draining. I have no advice sorry, am still trying to make DH understand where I'm coming from

Does DP spend any time with DS when it's just the two of them? That would help DP to think a little bit more about DS's needs. Maybe leave them to it a bit more? And not get stressy/annoyed if things don't pan out the way you would like eg trashy food eaten etc. Are you sure you have been supportive of his attempts at dealing with housework/DS - "but this is the right way to do it". Also, you are obviously a very capable person, do you think he might be slightly intimidated/in awe of you? How is his confidence generally?

I've got to say that on the whole my DP and I have defined roles in our house but that works for us but it took a long time to get where we were both happy with it. It evolved. He will take the initiative from time to time but its not something that comes naturally.

I've been married 25 years with 2 kids and my dh still does this, it is a man thing they just don't see what needs doing in the same way as women ( I know I will get flamed or that!).
I still get annoyed with it, but deal with it by having set jobs and when the extra jobs come along I deal ith them but pass over one of my jobs iyswim.
I do still feel that I am the household manager, but so are most of the women I know.

This isn't a step-parenting issue. Nor is it a 'man' issue, in that not every man thinks that childcare, housework and memory tasks are 'women's work'.

Your problem is that your partner, however well-meaning, thinks that you as the woman and the mother, are responsible for these things.

You are not.

You are no more programmed to be a good parent, cleaner or holder of the household memory, than him.

The only way to work this out is to divide up specific areas of individual responsibility and insist that things that are joint (like playing with DS, dealing with school letters) are shared equally.

If your partner works, he knows what areas of his job he's responsible for. His boss doesn't need to tell him what needs doing.

If your partner drives, no-one needs to tell him when the car needs petrol or the battery needs re-charging.

It's not that he doesn't 'see' what needs doing. He just thinks he's not responsible for it, so no harm will arise if he overlooks what needs doing.

badinage - but if the Op divides up the work and insists her partner does his fair share isn't she still 'managing it' ? Who checks if he does his fair share? What if he doesn't.

No I think they should sit down, write a list of everything that needs doing - and jointly negotiate who does what.

This shouldn't be yet another task the OP manages - or monitors.

If someone keeps failing to do jobs at work, he knows there will be consequences. It's the same here.

At the benign end of the scale, the consequences might be no clean clothes for him to wear - at the most malignant, no relationship.

You say he needs 'training up'... :(

Poor man has no prior experience of family life and has suffered two nagging significant women in his life already.
Let him find his own feet.

Why would you let a grown man 'find his own feet' while the OP is dying on hers from all the work he doesn't do?

This man is an adult.

His mother and his ex-girlfriend have been described as 'bossy' by the OP and 'nagging' by another poster.

Whereas I think they were probably grown-up women who were frustrated and sick and tired of having to state the obvious to a man who just doesn't see that some life skills are his responsibility, simply because he's got a penis.

Why do some women make so many excuses for men - and see fit to blame the other women in these men's lives - and not the men or their fathers?

The 'training up' was very tongue in cheek, I don't think DP needs 'training' and I certainly don't want one MORE job to do in training him, I want him to learn for himself, which is where the problem seems to lie. If the situations were reversed though I'd have no problem with him talking about me needing to be trained - after all I have been, by DS. If I didn't play with ds he'd scream (when much younger of course) or whine (now), if I didn't keep up with school letters I'd get the phone call asking why he didn't have a blue cardigan on or whatever so I've been trained by experience or rather avoiding experiences I didn't want. That doesn't seem to be happening for DP which is why I'm wondering what to do about it.

Some things I can leave and let him learn through experience but a lot I can't and the things I do leave often backfire on me. Eg I do the washing but only what's in the machine so everyone has to put their own stuff in - he'll forget for ages then dump a whole load in so I've got more to do whereas it hasn't affected him at all. Or if I left him to deal with school letters and he forgot I'm the one who does drop-off and pick up so I'd still have to deal with it, and the guilt if ds was upset/lost out because of it. Maybe I should wait for him to 'muck up' and then point it out, like I notice the consequences if I muck up but ime he'll be apologetic/upset but then go and do the same thing the next time!

He's self employed but writes himself a to-do list for everything to do with his business, which is the only way he can get all his work done - which is fine for a business but I don't want to write a massive to do list for him all the time because that would feel like ordering him around.

bandinage - am sure DP thinks I've done some house training or was born able to juggle all this stuff, don't know how to get across to him that I wasn't and just learnt to get on with it, have said something similar to him before and it doesn't seem to have helped. He's said stuff before about seeing me as very capable so maybe he is intimidated but I'm only capable because I have to be, I'm certainly not uber-mum, am happy with the house to be slightly messy etc all the time, just need the basics done else we can't eat/wear clothes/throw anything away etc. Am fine with him doing things 'worse' or differently from me as long as they get done, should I be getting that across to him? Trouble is most of the consequences of him not doing jobs for the house/family fall just as much on me as on him.

fairyliz -maybe that's what I should do, get used to delegating and passing off jobs to him when others come along, bit fed up of being the manager though.

pylonic - would love him to find his own feet but don't know what to do in the meantime. Keep being 'house manager' and divide up jobs strictly until he gets used to it or wait for him to do it then tell him when he doesn't (feels very critical to me though)?

Is it maybe a choice between silently 'putting up and shutting up' (carrying on doing more than I want), silently 'managing' him by doling out the jobs or leaving the responsibility to him and 'having it out' with him when things aren't done?

badinage - your last post just made me smile (in a tired way) - I'd be saying exactly the same to someone else, I hate it when men are written off as 'men' as if they're genetically incapable of dealing with the same stuff many women do, yet I'm still 'allowing' it. I'm torn between feeling I'm being unfair because the situation is still fairly new to him and thinking he needs to be told to get on with it in some ways.

You're on the right lines if you have a rule that you'll only wash what's in the machine. Your mistake is then washing his stockpile. He should be doing that, plus taking it out straight away so it doesn't crease - and managing its return to the wardrobe/drawers. If he fucks up, you won't suffer the fall-out will you?

We all learn by experience and by fucking up, suffering the consequences and not wanting to experience those consequences again. That's why he makes a list for work. That's why he puts petrol in the car, or ensures he gets cash from the cashpoint.

Could you ask that the school phones him as well as you re. school things? IMO, schools need educating that parenting is not an exclusively female activity, as much as some men (and posters!)

Thanks for all the replies btw - am baffled why 'we' (some women, not all) do it, think it's a pride thing with me - I can work, parent and look after the house without dropping any of the balls so I 'have' to take on whatever's not being done by someone else (ie, DP) just to show I can still do it because dropping the ball would somehow reflect badly on me - which is a shitty idea really . Thought when I started this thread that I needed some 'tactic' or idea to help DP pick up the slack, think I'm realising I just need to let him get on with it and (nicely) point out it's not good enough by me if he doesn't. Maybe that'll help him realise he's just as capable of doing all these things as me, which I think he is - don't think I'm 'better' than him at all, just more aware of the situation right now.

Thanks badinage - think I've massively shot myself in the foot and not helped him before by compensating for the consequences, which seems so bloody obvious now but I've completely ignored it. Need to start 'manning up' (scuse the pun) and let him deal with the consequences, like school and not doing 2 loads of washing at once just because he suddenly 'found' all his clothes on the floor.

Why are you doing his washing?

We supposedly do half the housework each so we each have particular jobs we do, and one of mine is washing.

Sorry, did you mean why am I doing the stuff he's hoarded up and then dumped in suddenly? Because it needs washing and because, I'm fast learning, I'm a martyr - think I've just had a pathetic eureka moment - he's not doing it because I'm a bloody martyr and just get on with it, and I'm expecting him to do the same then wondering why he's not, I should be just asking "where did all this come from, I hope you're going to wash it because I'm not". I'm turning into my mother

If you ask him to do things and he does them without making a fuss, I honestly don't see the problem.