How to help DP pull his weight in being a stepfamily

[babadeems]

Don't want to dripfeed but don't want this to be a mammoth post so will try and keep it concise.

DP and I, and (my) ds have been living together for 2 years. In case it's relevant ds' father is not on the scene at all so it's just the 3 of us in the immediate family. Before we moved in together we discussed the impact this would have, that DP was happy with becoming a stepfamily but knew it was something that would grow over time, not something that would happen overnight when we moved in together. And for want of a better phrase DP has 'stuck' to that, started building a relationship with ds etc, and of course I appreciate the effort he's put into that.

I'm not trying to have a go at him at all, he's lovely and if he knows what to do/what's expected of him he'll do his best to do it which is all anyone can ask, so I'm not complaining about him. BUT it's becoming more and more apparent that he doesn't seem to 'get' what family life should be like, or at least what I feel it should be like, and I'm finding it really hard to pin down what's missing AND get it across to him.

For example, if I ask him to hoover round he will, but he won't notice that the place needed hoovering in the first place. If I ask him to play with ds he will happily but he won't start it - if ds says he's bored either I play with him or we both ignore him. If ds needs telling off DP will look to me to deal with it or will get flustered and say he doesn't know what to do - even though we've talked about basics but DP having to find his own 'stride' with ds. If a letter comes home from school there's no way DP will deal with it or even check what it's about, he'll assume I'm going to do that.

Each example on it's own sounds quite small to me but I'm finding it really stressful feeling like the 'mother/manager' of both of them and not just ds, having to keep tabs on EVERYTHING from dates of ds' after school clubs to housework to budgeting. I'd like to be able to do my fair share but also have some things I don't have to think/worry about because DP will be 'picking up the slack'.

Basically DP isn't lazy but seems to expect orders and be 'assigned' responsibility for set things rather than taking responsibility for half of all of our lives IYSWIM. I don't know how to get across to him that he needs to take control of his role in our family, not wait to be told what to do by me. He's very insecure about his role anyway so I don't want to 'mother' him and make him feel he can't do it by himself but how do I point out where I think he could 'step up' without making him feel he's useless atm (and without having to point out every little thing that needs taking care of around here)? I don't want to reel off a whole list to him of 'you should play with ds once or twice a day, take the bin out when it's this full, clear the fridge out before I have to do it, check when ds' next dentist appt is, check on our bank account etc etc etc' - but he doesn't seem to pick up on any of it without me doing that. Not sure how to approach this!

Time to swap jobs .

nkf, because I'd have to ask, and keep track of what needed doing all the time;

"DP can you empty the bin?"
"DP can you play with ds?"
"DP, can you put your washing in the machine?"
"DP, ds is acting up, can you decide what to do about it?"
"DP, can you put that pan in to rinse?"

It's exhausting being the 'manager' all the time.

dequois - I really wish I could swap with DP for a day, really swap with him, make him do everything to my standards and I only have to do what he'd do and see what he thinks should happen after that. Honestly believe he'd be shocked and start pulling his socks up but don't know how to get across to him just how much 'weight' I'm pulling. Think the idea to just not do it and let him see the consequences is the best though.

I guess I'm a bit of a bossy boots. I wouldn't at all mind sitting down on MN, drinking tea/wine and issuing instructions.

.

On the other hand, I don't like the standard setting.

Not read all the posts but would agree it sounds like my DH. He will do anything asked, do his to do list, but doesn't ever add to it. I am always asked everything to do with baby karate! Reading with interest I'm looking for tips!!

Okay caught up!! I find we have set jobs but ive accepted that instead of in warding seething or being a martyr(sp) I just ask him to do it! I guess that's not what you want to hear but, it works!!

I really like the cut of your jib OP. Glad you've had that Eureka moment.

Make no mistake, no-one else is to blame but these men who fail to pull their weight, but like any other bad behaviour in life, if there are people around to enable it (i.e women in this case) then the behaviour will continue apace.

I wish more women would see how illogical it is to issue instructions or write lists for men who have no need of others doing this for them at work, or for any other tasks they see as their responsibility.

This is why I don't like to see the word 'delegate' in this context. To delegate means retaining the accountability - and you need to lose that.

Start from the standpoint that if you separated and (assuming he has parental responsibility) both shared the care for your son, both of you would be separately responsible for managing the different homes and school stuff while DS was with that parent. So if the washing piled up, your partner would just have to do it or it wouldn't get done. The school would soon learn that while in that parent's care, it would be that person's responsibility if the uniform wasn't ready, or the reading diary wasn't done.

You're right OP that some of this is about your expectations of yourself. You don't have to be a supreme juggler. You need to pull your weight and no more. You also need to judge anyone right back if they think that any of this stuff is your responsibility if it goes wrong.

OP, This is slightly tongue in cheek but why don't you type up all of the jobs around the house which need doing, then once a week, cut and paste the urgent ones into a new word document with the date (so he know it is not an old list) and staple it to his work to do list. Get him to cross it off once the task is done

It depersonalises it and then you don't have to keep chasing him. Just make it part of his jobs like his work ones.

Two more problems here; one is that in my experience most men don't have the same high standards as women towards housework. eg I try and keep on top of the washing by doing some every day, DH would wait until he had run out and then bung in several mixed loads. Secondly and I hate to mention this but does he think as its your ds you should be responsible for everything connectec to him school/ clubs etc? tbh I don't know many men who sort out school stuff.

Putting side the housework < yes, of course he should be doing it > when push comes to shove your son is YOUR responsibility

Interesting discussion. I'd echo a point from above (from a male perspective):

• he obv needs to pull his weight, but having different conceptions of what makes a clean house is a common problem.

I had an ex who moved into my (clean and tidy) house then moan because I wasn't interested in borderline ocd levels of recreational
cleaning.

Interesting discussion. I'd echo a point from above (from a male perspective):

• he obv needs to pull his weight, but having different conceptions of what makes a clean house is a common problem.

I had an ex who moved into my (clean and tidy) house then moan because I wasn't interested in borderline ocd levels of recreational
cleaning.

in my experience most men don't have the same high standards as women towards housework

I don't doubt your experience with men of your acquaintance and I'd be lying if I said I didn't know several men like that myself (but I would never have married one!!)

But don't you think that's because men in general aren't conditioned to think it's their responsibility?

There's no biological reason why women would have higher domestic standards than men.

Surely it's more a case of we all have high standards if we feel responsible for something and will be judged by others regarding our competence at it?

As long as men don't feel it's their responsibility and won't be judged by others if they aren't competent at housework and cleanliness, where's the incentive to have high standards?

Apart from personal pride and irritation that men are regarded as clueless and blind when they cross the threshold of their homes (but have perfect sight and memory at work), most intelligent men who regard their female partners as equal wouldn't dream of pulling these stunts.

I thought I'd join to clear once for all the men vs women argument.

I am a woman.

I was, still am, useless at home and could not SEE what needed doing. I still d my best to not see it. It is because I still believe I should not have to do it. Alas...

I was great at work. Amazing.

Guess what. I lost job and got the kids, and I learnt. Still not liking housework. Still not a homemaker. But if I can do it, anybody can.

So here you go.

Nothing to do with gender.

OP - I agree with badinage.

We have a weekly "family meeting" (which is just DH and I as DS too young) where we run through the calendar for the week ahead and add new ad hoc tasks with initals for who is doing what. It keeps us both focused and helps communication.

I have never done DHs washing which helps a bit.

Putting side the housework < yes, of course he should be doing it > when push comes to shove your son is YOUR responsibility

I agree with this ^^

.....and I bet that if this post was from a man about his wife as a stepmother, posters would not be saying his child's welfare and care was his sole responsibility, especially if the bio mum had fucked off. The bio mum and the stepmum would be getting flamed to high heaven.

Not all men - and not all step-parents are like this. They are a family and this step-father has chosen to share responsibility within it. That means sharing all the domestic and childwork that comes with it.

Agree with babadeems, if I'd posted as a dad about a stepmother my dp would be roasted for not doing everything possible to take a share in the responsibility for ds! Maybe it's a quite a social thing then, some see kids and the responsibility that goes with them as women's work, well that helps. Tbh much as I love him if dp felt like that he could pack his bags right now, I'd find that horrible to be all living together but not even trying to be a family. Am sure that's not how DP feels, we talked about living together at length before we moved in together and I made it clear I'd expect him to (gradually) take just as much part in ds' life as me, we've even agreed that if it's possible and when the time is right he'll adopt ds (if ds wants him to). I made it clear (not nastily) that if he didn't want the responsibility there was absolutely no point in living together.

I'm 100% sure that the problem isn't that he doesn't WANT to help out/join in etc but that he just doesn't get how to and isn't noticing what's 'missing', washing clothes or playing with ds, until it's blindingly obvious (such as no clothes!).

Family meeting sounds good, dp does do better when things are spelt out to him, his job involves following exact client specifications too, don't think he likes working out what needs doing for himself. Frequentflyer - thanks, can relate to that, lived in a pigsty as a student as I just couldn't be bothered but got ds and had to shape up - maybe it's more something you have to be thrown into than willingly take on.

Got some good ideas here, think I was expecting too much in wanting dp to be able to just 'get it', need to talk to him about what needs doing, give him jobs to do then not compensate if he doesn't, got it . Deffo going to try and have ds 'family ready' should the time come!

(can reassure you bunnykelly though that my expectations are nowhere near ocd, as long as we've got clean clothes and the place wouldn't be accepted onto 'How Clean Is Your House' I'm happy)

I don't have any real answers, but think you might find a book called 'Wifework" by Susan Maushart very useful in helping you eexpress what you mean and get it across to your DP. It is all about what you put in your OP - a bit polemical in parts, and certainly not a ' how to train your DP' guide (!), but still very interesting and thought-provoking.

God, shouldn't post when I'm not fully awake! Was not agreeing with myself there, agreeing with badinage I meant!

we live in a stepfamily too but my DDs are teenagers. DP will do whatever needs doing, including their meals, laundry, taxi service etc. In fact he does more for them than their dad did! All men, and all stepfathers, are not the same.

DH was a "typical man" re housework when we moved in together. But I decided there was no way I was putting up with it and I did get stroppy about it, repeatedly. I couldn't give a shit if I was seen as a nag, there was no way I was becoming a skivvy because I'm a woman. At the same time, I was aware that my expectations wouldn't always be met and that I didn't have a right to expect that DH would do things to my standards all the time. I focus on the basics, and we have reached a good middle ground in terms of cleanliness/tidiness. This is important too - it's not fair to set a certain standard in your mind and just expect DP to meet it when he has no motivation to do so. However, the basics, such as bin-emptying, laundry, cooking etc can't really be argued over, they just have to be done so they're the things to focus on.

So :
I cooked meals he didn't like, he now cooks practically everything as it means he has control over it, I usually clean up (though he is a very clean cook so I don't usually have much to do).
I have never ever done his washing
I told him the bins were his job, and I on a few occasions, had to leave the rubbish literally spill across the floor to impress upon him that no matter how useless he was at it, it was absolutely his job, and I would not do it. I still never ever touch the bin (unless he's ill or away of course) and it's rarely overfull any more
Hoovering upstairs is his job and absolutely has to be done every week before DS goes to bed on a Sunday. Having a deadline means he remembers to do it
He has taken over things like dealing with insurance, the mortgage, bills etc of his own accord (though I keep track of the bank account) partially I think because I have bigged up his ability to deal with numbers and he knows I won't get involved or criticise what he does
Ad hoc jobs like emptying the dishwasher are done by whoever happens to be there. This was achieved by me asking 400,000 times "Oh didn't you get a chance to empty the dishwasher?" (there's no good answer to this question - the only honest answer is, I was expecting you do it, which of course makes DH look a bit of dick, so he just started emptying it in order to avoid The Question.)
He does all the DIY, as he enjoys it and I am totally rubbish at it.
I do the more deep cleaning stuff, as I don't mind it (can't say I enjoy it!) and he's rubbish at it.
I'm a SAHM so I look after DS more, but when we're both around it's 50/50.

Seeing as I'm a SAHM I manage to do everything else without problems. The key is to insist these jobs are done, and not to take over, ever, unless there's a very good reason they are not done. It may take weeks and weeks but eventually the message will get across that the job must be done, and that you are not going to do it. It will become part of your DP's routine.

The situation with your DS is much more complicated. You need to facilitate building up a father/son type relationship between them- it doesn't just happen because you want it to. I don't blame your DP for being cagey about stepping in, it's a sensitive situation and he probably fears stepping on your toes and upsetting DS. I'm sure there are loads of books you can get about building up the stepparent role - you could ask for recommendations on the stepparent topic -could you get one and go through it with DP?

One thing nobody has asked you op is do you work and if so as many hours as your DP? Your son sounds fairly young and when my kids were young I only worked part-time. I think it would be really hard for two people with kids working full time to get all the housework done to an ok standard.

As I worked part time I did more of the housework/looking after the kids, but overall taking into account paid work we did the same number of hours iyswim