Experiences of Relate

[harryhausen]

My DH and I have had a really bad year. Things weren't amazing before 2012, but not awful. We just trundled along, being tired, having two young kids, both being self employed etc etc.

We've been to Relate once, separately about 6 months ago. Now he's agreed today that we both need to go together. I'm pretty sure we still love each other. Just lots of things have got it the way, and I'm desperately unhappy.

Me and DH feel really sad today. Like something's changed. Like we now know there's lots of problems. I feel very tearful.

After a long rambling post, can I ask for people's experiences of Relate? Did it help? Was it the worst thing you did. DH seems mortified about going properly with me.

I know two couples who have been. One to sort one specific issue and one where they were having loads of problems. Both found it helpful and said they were glad they went.

Also seems worth adding that both couples are still together.

My brother and SIL went as they could not sort out their issues alone. A lot of it stemed from unresolved things in the past.

If it wasn't for relate then they wouldn't be together still, less than a year after their sessions they were pregnant with their first child and this christmas their baby is 4 months old. They are very happy together.

I am sure they can't recommend it highly enough but the one thing that really helped is that they both really wanted it to work out and neither party had actually done anything that would be impossible to come back from. SIL didn't put her heart fully into the 1st one or two sessions but once she did it really worked.

Thanks Jessjess. That's good to know.

I think we've both been a bit 'ostrich' about things and buried our heads for years, ignoring things. But after this year, I think things need sorting - or at least talking about.

Very helpful Mrs Melons. I don't honestly think DH's heart is in going - but he's accepted we need to.

When he went on his own 6 months ago, he went for one specific reason (I found him sex texting a woman from work). He saw a male counsellor (who he didn't like), seemed to gloss over what our real issues were. He came away thinking that the counsellor had told him he was fine - and he buried his head again.

That's just one of our issues.

He may feel uncomfortable about going but he may put everything into it once there.

At least he has agreed to go, a lot of men refuse. My DBs colleague did and regretted it terribly as he lost his wife and may have been able to do something about it if he had been willing to try.

I really hope you can work things out.

It really all depends on what each person is hoping for as the outcome.
I went hoping to save our family / marriage after his affair.
He went to find justification for his actions and salve his conscience that he 'did try'.
Ended up spending the sessions focussing on how 'he had changed as a person' and minimising my fallout 'nobody can 'make you' have these feelings'. Strange that, if he hadn't 'made' the choices he had, I would not be having those feelings!
Needless to say he is now with OW and we are almost divorced.

The only good thing about it was that he cannot say he has no idea of the effect of his actions, and I now know that even though he does know, he doesn't care. So, communication was assisted.

Thanks Vole.

Thankfully my DH hasn't had an affair, but we did have a sex texting incident earlier this year.

I think communication in general is what we're after. On a day to day level we get on well, have lots in common. He's a great father and a nice husband. However we have many sexual problems that he won't address. It's taken me years & years of approaching him to talk and he says the right things and then nothing changes.
This last year we've had so much happen. Illness, redundancy, his sex texting someone else, family problems, financial problems. It was a bit if a watershed for me. Things were briefly better after the sexting, as we talked lots and got a lot closer, but slowly things have drifted again.

There's still something between us (I hope!) but it just seems to be under 15 layers of other crap.

Sorry to ramble. I appreciate your experience of Relate. I hope you have a happy year ahead of you.

How is sex texting a woman from work not an affair?

It doesn't sound like you both bury things either. It sounds like you've tried and tried to address your unsatisfactory sex life, he made promises that he had no intention of keeping and then took the sexuality out of your marriage and gave it to someone else.

I suppose if anything, it sounds like you've under-reacted to his affair, to the extent that you won't even give that infidelity its proper name.

It wasn't a 'sex texting incident' - it was an extra-marital relationship with someone he saw every day.

I suppose you're right badinage. What I mean is that there wasn't a physical affair. I do believe there wasn't.

At the time I felt like I hadn't under-reacted. We had a massive blow up, which resulted in us talking about things we never had and really communicating properly for the first time in years. I felt like we were getting somewhere....but no we're not. Hence why the need for counselling.

I do like the way the put it though about him not addressing any of my needs or attempts to change things for so long. I may write that down and use it

Meant to say, I like the way you put it.

One of the reasons why things have slipped back might be because things went further than texting, so you've never had an honest platform on which to rebuild your relationship. If someone gets away with a lie, it can affect the way they view a partner afterwards.

Did you discover the texts, or did he confess all?

If you found him out, chances are it did go further than that or at the very least, he wanted it to and at least some of his response has been to 'punish' you for taking his secret relationship away from him.

I used to be a relate therapist, and if both people are willing to be open to it, it does help. A lot of couples come with unrealistic expectations - blaming the partner who had an affair and refusing to accept that both need to make changes for instance. All therapists work differently but I would usually look at a couples' parents relationship, recent bereavement of people, jobs, what has gone well in the past and how people want things to be in the future. It's really hard work 95% of it is done outside the counselling room. Most of my couples got something out of it, even if they decided to split up, we could work On making things more amicable. If one partner was more reticent I would usually offer an individual session each which could help them get on board.

I think it's fair enough to blame someone for having an affair, but that's not to say one person is to blame for all the problems in the relationship - if indeed it was the relationship that was the main cause of the affair anyway. IME the main causes of affairs lie within the people having them - and their poor ways of coping with an area of dissatisfaction in their lives (not just in their relationships).

My dh has just agreed to starting counselling - no affairs on either side.

It's nice to hear that people seem to have got something from it

I agree with Badinage. Our Relate therapy went very well, and my h had spent quite some time cyber sexing in secret.

In general, I think Relate counsellors can struggle with infidelity, and certainly dont come from the Shirley Glass perspective, although lord knows why, as Glass is very well researched, a practicing counsellor herself, and hardly radical. There is a Relate way of approaching therapy, from what I hear.

It simply isnt the case that two people have a part to play in the reasons for an affair, although I completely agree that both may well have a part to play in the reasons for the marital problems, in many cases.

That said, I imagine some approach couples counselling with a blame approach, which also doesnt work.

It is interesting that you mention sexual issues, and also that your h is mortified at the prospect of joint therapy. I wonder why, if he was willing to speak separately, assuming he was honest?

ps we also had a man, which my h preferred actually.

He was great, and worked wonders, getting my h to talk about things which I couldnt. He also managed to challenge him in such a way that he stopped bullshitting about all sorts of issues as an avoidance or diversion tactic.

And my h thinks the same.

From my perspective, wonders will never cease, and after a 20 year marriage too.

That said, I would make two further points:

• most of the work does happen outside Relate in the longer term, but it is really helpful for those outside discussions to be framed by that weekly session and

• if you are expecting a total personality transplant, prepare for disappointment.

Anyway, what have you to lose? It is cheaper than a divorce, and I went in to it thinking that it may very well not work out and if so, at least we could negotiate a better exit, re the kids.

Agreed fiventhree.

I mean, how can someone who had no choice in the matter be to blame for someone else's actions in having an affair, bearing in mind that most affairs are secret and hidden?

Not that I've been to Relate, but if this happened to me I'd be very wary of any counsellor who thought that the blame for an affair could ever be placed at the door of the unknowing, choiceless partner. Any action where anyone is saying someone else 'drove them to it' is surely a failure to take responsibility - and it must be worse for a couple if a therapist thinks this too? The OP's husband didn't have to go outside the marriage. He could have faced up to the problems and been honest about his sexual difficulties. He chose not to. The OP could have gone outside the marriage too, especially after trying so hard to get the sex life she wanted; but she's a grown-up and didn't.

Maybe this is a problem with Relate - could be that by their very title they think that all bad actions flow from the relationship, rather than from individuals with free will and free choice?

Don't be afraid to vet the counsellor a bit OP when you go. It sounds like the bloke your husband went to was a dud. There must be more like him, just as hopefully there will be more enlightened therapists who aren't into victim-blaming.....

Does anyone know how much it costs to go to Relate? I have been thinking that we need some help for years.

Did Relate about five years ago. We had about five or six sessions but we both thought the woman was useless (haha we agreed on something!)

When we told her we thought we had gained what we needed to from the sessions she tried really hard to persuade us to carry on. She came across as being very in it for the money.

We are now separated and I think the Relate was a complete waste of time and money. But if we had had a different therapist and gone earlier it might have been more successful. Neither of us really believed in the woman we saw or took to her from the beginning and it really didn't help. We were too polite to say we didn't think she was right for us. Also because she was black I think we thought if we said she wasn't right for us it might have been construed as racism. Daft really, when our family and happiness were at stake.

Make sure you get someone you both like and trust and don't stick with it out of politeness if it's not the right fit.

Make sure you get someone you both like and trust and don't stick with it out of politeness if it's not the right fit

I couldn't agree more. Don't stay if you think the counsellor's stringing out the sessions for the money either - that's unethical counsellor behaviour.

I have a private practice and see couples (not through Relate). I have very clearly defined boundaries: both get an equal voice; I won't take sides; I review regularly so that clients can say how they think things are going, and if I think either party would benefit from personal therapy I'll be happy to recommend a different counsellor. I make it clear from the outset that the couple is free to withdraw from the contract at any time.

I don't want to get a reputation for money grabbing and I think the couple's welfare is paramount. I'd agree with other posts that both parties need to want to be there and need to be clear about what they want to achieve, though that might change as things progress.

I researched it and it was £50 for the first session then payable on a sliding scale afterwards

My STBXW and I went to Relate to try and fix things when it was very obvious we were both unhappy - too late, as it turns out. If we'd gone a couple of years ago it may not have been.

What we realised was that it's not the point of Relate to try and 'fix' a marriage, it's more a case of getting both partners to understand what they're looking for in a relationship, and why - sometimes based on family backgrounds, questions on how you prefer your partner to express affection, that kind of thing.

In our case it demonstrated that there were lots of ways we just weren't suited for each other - very different ideas about things, how to spend free time etc, which the Relate process just clarified so we could talk about it and agree how to move on. It didn't 'work' for us in terms of keeping us together, but it gave us both a better idea what we're looking for in the future, so in that sense I'd recommend it.

I didn't have a good experience but put that down to the particular counsellor not the whole of Relate.

I really appreciate everyone whose taken the time to tell me of their experiences. Like I said earlier, we have both been for individual assessment sessions around 6 months ago, so I have some idea of what to expect.

I didn't realise we could ask to change counsellors though if we don't like him/her.

We have so many issues to discuss such as trust/fidelity/sex/communication. It's such a tangled web that its like a soup in both our heads. But we both want to do it. DH has brought it up again today to check we had the right phone number to call after New Year's Day.

My DH has some very complex sexual issues that he's only just beginning to open up to me about. Relate said they have sexual therapists too if he needs it (which he really does!).

To be honest, I'm just glad that we'll be talking about it. I have a lot of hope. We still laugh together, like each other and there's live there - just so many 'issues' mixed in. They'll probably be stuff I won't like that will hurt, but bring it on.