Dating when the clock is ticking

[Alittlestranger]

Really not sure if I'm looking for "you're still young, get over yourself" or "time's wasting, get real" with this thread. But I'm interested in how people go about dating when they want children and have a limited window left to do it in?

I'm 30 and split up with my ex partner this year after just over six years in a relationship. I never thought about my biological clock etc and just assumed children would happen as and when I wanted them. Now I'm single I'm very aware of the fact that I want children eventually but that realistically the window for "eventually" ends in about five years.

I'm pretty happy being single right now and I am enjoying a little bit of time to get my sense of self back. I think if Mr Right did suddenly turn up on my doorstep I'd resent giving my newfound freedom back so soon. But I'm now horribly aware that time is finite. I alternate between thinking five years is actually plenty of time, to thinking that actually I probably don't have another failed relationship in me.

Should I be prioritising finding someone I want to have kids with, or can I afford to spend some more time fannying around? How old were you all when you met the man you had children with?

I was quite 'old' when I had children due to not meeting the right person until I was in my thirties. I had my first child at 37 and second at 39. I probably spent too long with previous boyfriends without making any decisions. I'm certainly no where near the oldest at the school gates now. Ideally I would have liked children earlier but didn't have that option.

Obviously only you can decide. For me I was just 26 when I lost my first husband and I had known fertility problems. I felt my clock ticking very loudly. I waited a year and then ended started a relationship with my now dh.

We had known each other for a little while and he had divorced his ex after she aborted their baby without telling him.

We had a very candid conversation and both wanted children. I wouldn't say ours was a great romance at the start, we were both still grieving for our respective loses, but we love each other very much and have a strong marriage now.

We were very lucky that with fertility treatment we have 2 gorgeous boys.

Why does the 'window' end in about five years? Are you planning to have a premature menopause?

I have friends who've conceived without ivf assistance and given birth in their mid to late 40's.

The problem with fixating on 'the clock' is you may hear it ticking so loudly that you're deaf to the sound of warning bells about potential --sperm donors- dps/dhs.

Hi Stranger. My first marriage ended when I was very nearly thirty and I felt my biological clock very keenly. I gave myself time to grieve for what may not be for me and I considered whether I would go through options such as sperm donation if it came to it. I then got on with enjoying myself and genuinely believe that I am stronger for having taken that time alone.

I met DH when I was 33 after three failed (non-traumatic) short term relationships. We rushed in to marriage (for various reasons) but waited a year or two to get to know each other properlybefore bringing children into the mix although we were both agreed that we wanted children if things worked out. DS arrived when I was 36 after a couple of months of TTC and DD earlier this year after just one month of TTC when I was 38. We're still deciding whether to go for DC3.

Don't rush into a relationship just to have kids and don't panic too much about the 5 year / 35 year old thing. On the other hand if you know you deinitely want kids I would not waste too much time with a guy who definitely does not.

Izzy I know plenty of people do get pregnant after 35, but statistically fertility does drop off a lot after that point.

I think my problem is the opposite to loud ticking screening out warning bells. I'm still being very fussy and seem to be actively screening for someone short-term and fun and unsuitable.

Cleef I think one positive thing is that I now understand I do have to make decisions. I knew my last relationship was not forever and I definitely wouldn't spend so long again with someone who was just Mr right-now.

The problem with fertility is that you don't know how fertile you are until you try. I had no problems but I do understand your concerns. However you can have problems at any age and it only takes one sperm! I agree Stranger that if I had my time again I would not have wasted time - but then I was never 100 % about having children so I can't blame anyone else.

As you've just come out of a long term relationship, I suggest you have a few flings embrace all the pleasure and satisfaction a single life has to offer and concentrate on the here and now for a year or two without overthinking the future.

It's sod's law that just as you're really getting into wholeheartedly enjoying the freedom to please yourself, a man who's worthy of having more than fling with taps you on the shoulder.

Well, that's how it's been for me... and I suspect that's how it's going to be for you.

I think the main thing is to be upfront with anyone you do date so you don't wind up like Monica and Richard in Friends.

I made it clear to DH when we met that while I didn't want to rush into anything I did want kids one day.

Izzy I really hope you're right! I definitely want flings and not commitment at the moment. Like Sarah I needed a bit of time to grieve, but now want some time for the positive aspects of single life. I just don't want to be kicking myself in ten years time!

If someone could invent a foolproof "best before" test I'd be very grateful.

I'd give yourself at least a year just having flings and fun to get that out of your system. Then thereafter just don't waste too long with someone if you know they're not quite right or that they don't want to have children. There are plenty of men mid thirties ready to settle down and have children but yes don't get too desperate or just settle down with someone for the sake of it

I was 38. Married DH when I was 31. No contraception side then. I would love to have had ds earlier, when younger and less knackered!

Have had dn since she was 2 and I was 32, and that was lot easier!

So I would say, don't stress too much as plenty time to have babies, but don't waste our time on hopeless relationships.

I had my DS at 39, and he was unplanned and totally unexpected (though very much loved). You could, perhaps, see a gynaecologist and find out what's going on in your ovaries, because everyone's insides are different, and it might help to find out that you're still going strong and have several fertile years left. Though you might also find out that you're not fertile at all. It's one of those things that most of us just assume - that everything's in working order.

Anyway, a couple-relationship is not essential for parenthood. If you get to the point where you want a child more than anything else, you do have a variety of options. I would suggest that for the moment you just enjoy your life, and whatever you do don't settle for any old knob who claims to want children.

I had my son when I was 41 conceived naturally so u may have more time than u think

I'm in the same situation. Split with my husband last year. I'm 30. I have a DD (11) but I have always wanted more children. I really don't want to fall into a relationship right now for a number of reasons, but my biological clock is ticking. Personally I think that should the right person not come along, then I will pursue the donor insemination route which, whilst not my first choice, is at least a practical and available solution.

I didn't meet dp till I was 33.

Had dc1 at 35
Having dc2 at 37

I have nothing that constructive to add, but just wanted to say this thread has made me feel a lot better. My ex and I split up nearly a year ago which was a massive shock for me. We have a DS who is 2 but I really would love to think I will have at least one more child and sometimes feel a bit panicky that in the last year I haven't really met anyone who could realistically have become a boyfriend let alone a future husband... Plus sometimes I just get worried that all the good men are taken. It's reassuring to hear lots of women have met their husbands/partners in their 30s

I used to scour the Internet for info on women having babies in their thirties!

I took one month to conceive the first time and two the second.

*greeneyedgirl" glad it's made you feel better.

A women when i had my DS(2weeks ago), was 45 and had it naturally. I knew this as she struck up a conversation and asked when i was going back to school, i replied im 19,nearly 20. She blushed and went off.

I dont know who was shocked her or me.

I agree with the suggestion of finding out about your own fertility - knowledge is power and all that, and if you get told everythings all fine and will be for 10+ years, you know time is on your side.

I would say though that you do need to be very careful that you and any potential long term relationship are singing from the same hymn sheet in terms of timescales for babies. I have too many friends who hung on because their DH/DP either wasn't sure if they wanted a baby at all, or wasn't quite ready yet. Said friends are now late 30s/early 40s and either still waiting, or TTC and struggling. If a man can't decide, then don't wait around.

And if you don't meet the right man (and fgs don't just settle for one who wants a family RIGHT NOW if in every other way they're a disaster), then having a baby on your own is always an option. I'd always intended to do so if I was still childless by my early 30s.

Silly question, but how do I find out about my own fertility, and what do they test for? Are there tests my GP can run or do I need to see a private gyne? I want to get tested for PCOS as I have a bunch of the symptoms, so would they do it as part of that?

You can get a test at a clinic. I believe they can test your ovarian reserve (how many eggs left) and quality to give you a picture how long you could feasibly leave things (I may have looked into this a little bit!)

You'd have to pay. You can buy cheap kits online that measure fsh, a hormone thingy that makes you release eggs. If this is high you may have problems, however I understand these tests are not sensitive enough.

I've only had a google of this stuff hopefully someone who has had one might pop on.

Worth looking at the costs with a local fertility clinic?

It is also really unfair on a man if, after a 6 year relationship with another man, that you now target some guy as merely a means to father your children. The other guy, simply, has had all the 'fun' without the responsibility.

Internet dating sites are full - absolutely full - of women who state that their last relationship was 5 years, 8 years, 10 years, even 15 years or more and that, whilst they currently have no children, that they want them. When men see that they basically conclude what I wrote above - the previous guy had all the fun, all the sex, all the couple stuff without kids and clearly walked away when the issue of children became an issue.

I know it sounds awful but you spent 6 years with the last guy - and now you seem intent on just finding a guy to have kids with. So the guy is not really important is he? Any guy will do? You should not have spent 6 years with the last guy - sorry to say that, but it is perhaps the truth.

If you do not wish to make any future guy miserable... and also possibility yourself... and possibility also any child... then please think long and hard about your decision process when it comes to choosing men. Perhaps the kind of men who float your boat aren't the daddy kind and never will be? Perhaps the kind of men who want to be fathers, and who will make great father, do not do it for you?

I don't write the above to be mean or cruel but to simply lay it down the line as to how many men will read your post. I also want to point out that if you are indeed choosing the non-daddy kind of man to date... that you can't risk ending up in another 5 or 6 year relationship with such a man. The next thing you know you will be heading to late 30s and still looking for a 'good' man.

Go and have a look at the internet dating sites and see just how many single women in their late 40s, and even early 50s, desperately want to have their first child. Spent a lifetime choosing the wrong man. Many never learn.

I wish you happiness and hope that you can find a way of working out what you want.