So Fed up with his cannabis; use what do you think ?

[sosickoftheweed]

My Husband is a heavy cannabis user. Like every day.

he stopped smoking tobacco about 4 years ago and now 'smokes' the weed in a pipe.

It stinks, I hate it. I hate the smell, I hate the fact that every chance he gets he's out there having a quick 'puff'. I have found him at 6am having a quick one (tho that is some time ago)He doesn't drink alcohol (stopped before we met) due to problems with it in the past.

worst of all as far as I am concerned is the fact that my 7 year old son tells me about 'Daddy's golden pipe ' that he 'fills with black stuff and smokes'.

I cant believe my marriage - which in other respects is fine - normal I would say - is going to end because of his weed habit. He says I knew when I met and married him that he liked a puff - I say he wasnt a father to three children then.

Im sick to death of the lying and skulking around and obsession with having a puff. I feel my respect for him ebbing away and the disrespect he shoews to me and the children by continuing becoming a larger and larger issue

tell me im making a fuss about nothing, that 'everybody' does it, that its normal ? maybe I am very square ?

HELP. sorry this is so long

Hi SSOTW, sorry you're feeling so bad about this. I'm really glad that people on here have agreed that it is a problem that needs fixing. It drives me crazy that cannabis is still perceived as non-addictive. I grant that it may not be physically addictive, but anyone living with a heavy user, as you are and as I am, knows exactly how dependent users become on it.
I often feel that MNers are too ready to suggest ultimata and separation. You clearly have a good relationship in other ways, but this does need to be sorted out. As you say, the smell is grim when you have to live with it, it's not right to surround the children with it and it makes people dull. For me, it just feels like a real imposition on my home and my life. Why should I have to live with the smell/the extractor fan/the open window/the constant delays in doing things, because he needed a spliff first? My hobbies don't affect him in the same way.
Good luck with tackling this, and PLEASE give me tips if you have any success.

Sounds like your dh has a bit of an addictive personality - he had a problem with alcohol quit that but replaced it with another addiction, weed. Anything which you have to take on a regular basis and that affects your life or the life of others around you is an addiction. He seems like he needs help but unfortunaley only he can get it and do something about it. The thing is he won't be totally on the ball and looking after 3 children that potentially could be dangerous. I hope you sort it out and he does sound like you have a good marriage otherwise.

Good Luck.

there is a phase in a relationship though, when you are aware of the other half's unacceptable behaviour, but you just haven't resigned yourself to the relationship ending. My own opinion is that if sosick wanted to finish the relationship, the addiction she's described,and the 100 quid a week down the toilet would be adequate justification not to feel guilty.

In answer to the original question, no its not normal.

can I get this right - 100 quid a week of money that YOU have gone out to earn?

SSOTW - cannabis is NOT a soft drug. There is a clear and well researched link between long term use and mental illness. I have just watched a friend descend into a very very bad place and been diagnosed with a serious bipolar disorder, all down to heavy cannabis use. Your son should not be exposed to this. Please please, it is NOT normal. It is an evil drug and in my mind no different from shooting up smack. Hope you sort it out hun.

SSOTW, i have a friend who is brilliant IQ wise. he has been to uni, came near top form his curses. but is a weed smoker. he hasnt acheilved as much as he is able. he just smokes all evening. he has chest problems and gets very depressed. he has been smoking for about 10years. he is a lovely lovely guy except for his weed addiction. he is good looking and if he put his mind to it he will acheieve anything. but he doesnt. he is single and has always been in the 6years i have known him. because weed comes first to him. when i next see him i'm gonna give hi ma big kick up the jacksy.

ssotw i feel so bad for you
i once went out with someone who smoked weed though i wasn't married to him. his lying never stopped and gradually his paranoid behaviour got worse and worse. when we did eventually and finally split, i phoned his sister to explain a few things because he said my behaviour () was hurting her children, who i got on really well with. she didn't have a clue that we had split up loads of times before, that was when i found out what a liar he was. i can't believe he is smoking it in front of his child, does he realise about passive smoking? it isn't any different from the passive smoking of normal cigarettes, except for the substance, your son will be in effect passively smoking the same substances as your h/dh. i'm sorry if i sound harsh as i have no wish to upset you. please get advice from relate or somewhere similar if you still want to leave him. i'm glad i left ex because i don't have to cope with it anymore. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

my dp smoked weed every day in his teens until he was about 19. He gave up because he saw fitst hand what drug (and alchohol addiction) did to a close friend who later died.

He smokes about 20 fags a day which he says he can't give up but rather that than cannabis he says.

Now he is having psychiatric problems and is struggling with depression which can be linked back to his pot smoking days (and his crap childhood). He is 25 now.

I showed him your post and he said that it's not normal and maybe your dh needs a sharp shock to make him realise what he's doing to himself and your family. he's also got to want to give up himself.

I really wish you all the luck in the world and it can't be easy for you.

The trouble with weed it's so common it's deemed an acceptable drug in many ways, more so than cocaine or ecstacy for example. If someone lit up a joint at a party I never liked it but was never shocked like I would be if someone started cutting up lines of cocaine.

But it becomes all-consuming as sosick describes, "robbing his ambition" is a brilliant description. I lived with 6 people in my 1st year of college, 5 of them got into regularly smoking dope very early on and none of them graduated, they all, one by one dropped out.

In my experience it affects your mind in a very gradual way, I've practically lost my brother to 10 years of pot-smoking, he's the shadow of his former self, no job, no friends, just a bedsit and a bong.

Its "common", not "normal", theres a big difference.
Personally from seeing the degenerative states that people I am close to have ended up in I would get my kids well away from him and any chance that they might some day consider it cool.

ah. my husband has been a weed smoker for over twenty years. i hate it, it costs us a lot of money each month, money we dont have. but i knew he had the habit when i met him and whilst i really disagree with it i just cant tell him he has to stop. the reason being i once had an ex who when he met me, he knew i was a heavy cigarette smoker. about six months into our relationship he suddenly decided he didnt want me to smoke anymore and if i did then i didnt love him. he made my life a misery for nearly two years constanly checking my things and smellig my breath, even following me to work! so when i split up with him, i promised myself I would NEVER do that to anyone else, if when i met them they had certain habits and i accepted it from the start then its not fair of me to then decide they have to stop once i think i can.

so my husband carries on smoking, at least he does it out of a window and would never dream of doing it in front of our baby.

SSOTW-Same problem here i am afraid.You are not alone.
I am going to Relate because of dps habit.
My dp will NEVER give it up.

No, I don't have any friends, relatives or aquaintances who have a weed habit (tho many have done a bit in their past obv)

I certainly couldn't put up with it.

Before I married DH I used to rent out rooms to backpackers in London. They have a very strong drug culture and weed is at the heart of it.

I don't care what anybody says, it is addictive. The ones who did it every day were continually spaced out, slow-witted, lacking in judgment, messy, and got so they didn't care whether the rent was paid or not. They used to tell me to 'chill', I would have the rent next week - like I was an endless supply of interim money to pay all the bills with everyone's rent going up in smoke.

And it does stink horribly as well. YUCK. No.

It's a complete waste of potential in a person.

i was good friends at uni with a guy who had a serious weed habit and it was infuruating.No matter what you were doing and how much fun you were having,it would always be better if he had some weed(in his opinion),i remember my flatmate and i cooking a really nice meal one day for him and his mate-we were skint as always so this was a big deal for us.Just as we were about to serve someone phoned for them and said he'd got hold of some weed. They literally shoved the food down as quickly as possible and fled in search of this 'fix'.
He used to shake constantly, and was very inward looking all the time.

i couldn't be married to someone like that.

Thanks you so much everyone who posted. I know that only he can decide to stop, and that I cant actually make him (nor actually do I wish to - I have no problem with the odd puff of an evening - its the compulsion and the doing it front of the children that upsets me)

He is aware of this thread tho I dont think he has read it and wishes me to point out that he only ever smokes outside and the he dosnt smoke in front of the children its just that they have 'caught him' sometimes.

I dont want to end my marriage. It would be devastaing, I believe in my marriage vows and this is one of those 'for worse' times I think. We have a lot going for us and SHOULD be able to come to some kind of compromise.... ? maybe I am being over optimistic.

He is going to be staying at home for the next few months to 'do' the childcare. He has PROMISED that he wont smoke in the day whilst I am at work - and yes i am close enoughto come home and check. Maybe I am being naieve but I so want this to be OK that I am prepared to see how it goes. I think, after this last episoide, he is aware that the lying and secrecy and letting me down is BAD for our mnarriage.
I am considering asking him to come to some kind of conselling together - not to adress his weed problem but to help us to argue more constructively. At the moment we just rip pieces out of each other, and , having grown up in a house where arguments were very very common I dont want the same for our children....

SSOTW,

Re this comment:-
"He wishes me to point out that he only ever smokes outside and the he dosnt smoke in front of the children its just that they have 'caught him' sometimes".

To which I would respond, "so that makes it allright then does it?. They should not have caught you at it in the first place. What kind of example are you setting them?".

I fully realise your marriage vows are important to you (and rightly so) but he is not taking them as seriously as you are is he?. I would hope he would be willing to seek counselling both as part as a couple and individually for his addiction but what if he does not?. If he will not seek counselling for the arguments - and the issues causing same - what will you do then?. I would seriously consider going to such sessions on your own if he does not want to go - and talk about his drug dependence at the same time.

You may well have to face the unpalatable and make a decision yourself as to whether this marriage can be saved or not. Your desire to make this marriage work should not override your concerns re his habit and, just as importantly, the effect this is all having on your children.

I smoke and so does my partner,I can quite easily do without it. I only smoke outside and so does my partner but after reading some of these comments and actually relating to them ,I might see if my DH will cut down to only smoking after the kids have gone to bed!. My partner can be moody when he doesnt smoke and even has little angry outbursts in which he makes me feel guilty about working instead of staying at home and looking after our DS, I guess saying if he earnt 40,000 I wouldnt have to work is not the best thing to say to an angry DH!!!:)

NWM - when you say you 'smoke' how much do you smoke ? Is it every day ? Why do you use cannabis - no honestly ? what is it about this substance that you like ?. I drink alcohol and have pointed out to my dh that he would be very concerned (rightly) if I snuck out for the odd 'shot' of vodka at 11am. ! He says 'its not like that' - it has no effect on me - to which my answer is 'then why smoke it ???????'

anyway - on a brighter note he has agreed that we should go to some couples counselling - to adrees how destructive and damaging our arguing is. I KNOW its bad for the kids and think some outside help would be really beneficial :)

My dp says,oh it should be treated in the same way as alcohol..... so i ask him the same questions as you and he cant explain himself,he will never admit he is addicted.

Very positive that your dh has agreed to go to counselling

Yes to right I used to do all sorts of things in my younger pre-baby days and smoked weed everyday whilst at uni, and like most people they grow up and have responsbilities so quit and I'm sorry but cannabis especially as its a lot stronger nowadays, does make you paraniod, lazy and you certainly are not on the ball I think worst than alcohol because if you are in a room with someone who is smoking a joint, even if you do not smoke any yourself you will feel the affects. You are very right sosickoftheweed, if you were to treat it the same as alcohol, someone who drink alcohol all day would be classed as an alcoholic therefore someone who smokes weed all day is also an addictive buy that reckoning!

Hi, my dh and I smoke most nights too. Once the children are in bed, never in front of them. We'd like to cut down and are about to try limiting to weekends only, but without a doubt it is hard to give up. Why? because life is more interesting, relaxing, funny and stimulating when you've had a puff. Also, to be honest sometime it makes sex mindblowing. You are in general much more away of your senses and life just feels great. BUT you can have too much and you can get paranoid with too much and you can get v. lathargic you couldn't do anything practicle when stoned and mornings are harder.

He needs to give up, but he'll need support at home and will probably be a bit grumpy for a few weeks, but it does sound like its time to stop. if you've even given up smoking or gone on a diet remember how hard it was and thats how its going to be for him.

Good luck

and sex is mind blowing
shudder

yes drugs folk are boring
imagine if you were in court for it
THE SHAME

the odd spliff now and again i cant see as a prob

but a £100 a week habit that you are supporting is just not on

save yourself a £100 a week and kick his hairy arse out until he gets himself sorted

I feel like this about my dh smoking (cigarettes), because of the destructiveness, smell, affect on the children (he is an "out of the window, in the doorway" type, but still), cost etc. I've also experienced a friend slide into manic depression as a result of excessive use of dope. In both cases the only person that can bring about change is the person themselves, and if they have an addictive personality, and you don't it is very very hard to understand or help. I don't think that ultimatums are helpful, and the sorts of arguments like "you knew I smoked when we got married" or "if you loved me/the children you would stop" get anywhere at all (however strongly you feel). I have to face the fact that my dh probably won't stop smoking until he is diagnosed with cancer or other life threatening consequences, and maybe not even then. My friend only stopped when he was sectioned, and even now, a year later he will smoke dope if offered. Still agreeing to going to counseling is a great step forwards. Good luck!