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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pils and my anxiety- advice needed.

31 replies

louloutheshamed · 28/12/2012 10:41

Ok I have finally realised how ridiculous this issue has become and I really need to address it but I don't know how.
I have posted about this before but have nc since then, but some of you might remember. Basically I have a ds who is nearly 2. On the night we brought him home from hospital pils were staying at our house. Ds was 3 days old, and was crying at night, and mil came into our bedroom and took him off me to try to settle him.

When ds was smaller she did a lot of other stuff that I was sensitive about too ( typical undermining mil comments, disapproved of demand bf etc) but the thing on the first night is what has really stayed with me.

Now I had been with dh for 10 years before ds, and we have always holidayed together, stayed at theirs etc, but since having ds I have found this much more difficult. I basically do not sleep if we are staying at theirs overnight or away somewhere. Twice I have had severe diarrhoea when staying overnight which I can only think was caused by stress. Because wig this I try to avoid staying with them. I did not go to a weekend in the lakes with them because
Of this, dh went alone causing mil
To speculate that our marriage was in trouble. However it also cannot be avoided on some occasions. On boxing day, for example we stayed at theirs and i did not sleep all night. Not a wink. I spent the whole
Night on tenterhooks worried that ds would wake and in turn wake them. Ironically ds slept through til 6! (he isn't the best sleeper, also if he is unsettled we tend to bring him in with us which I live but know pil
Do not approve).

I am usually a rational person but this has been going on for nearly 2 years now and seems to be getting worse not better. We are supposed to be spending a week in north Yorkshire with them in the summer and I am already dreading it. Dh joked i need some hypnotherapy and I am starting to think it might be a good idea?! Can anyone advise me on this as I know i am being ridiculous but I cannot seem to get past it!

OP posts:

1charlie1 · 28/12/2012 11:14

Hi, I cannot comment with specific reference to your situation, as DH and I don't have kids, but I can comment about anxiety and inlaws! I found over the past year that in response to my MIL's dire behaviour, I developed severe symptoms of anxiety (including all-night insomnia - ghastly, I sympathise! and panic/ vomiting). While my MIL's behaviour was awful, my response was so severe that I sought counselling. It has been immensely helpful, and is helping me to resolve some stuff from my childhood, which was clearly swirling around in there, just waiting to be triggered. Bizarrely, my MIL's behaviour has actually helped me to confront some scary stuff from my past, that I hadn't even realised was in there.
This might not be relevant at all to your specific circumstances, but I just want to encourage you to chat about this with a professional - I am very grateful to my counsellor for helping me get rid of my awful anxiety. Good luck!

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 28/12/2012 11:33

Oh thank you! That is interesting, so do you not have any of those symptoms anymore. I worried that seeking prof help was disproportionate but actually I think it might be getting to that stage. But how does one go about finding a counselor? Yellow pages!?

OP posts:

goonyagoodthing · 28/12/2012 11:42

I am going to be useless now, but why do you HAVE to spend time overnight with them? Nothing would make me stay the night in my PIL's house, or have them stay at mine. But they are within driving distance, so maybe that is not the case for you? Does anxiety come out in other aspects of your life? If not, then I know counselling is great and all that, but would it not be easier to stop the thing that is causing it i.e. staying overnight?

(Told you I would be no help!)

biff23 · 28/12/2012 11:46

I know all about anxiety, suffered terribly for years. I've had counselling which helped a bit, then medication which definitely got me through a really dire time but didn't get rid of anxiety. I then tried hypnotherapy which really helped me. It was all linked to past and through hypno I tackled the demons in my subconsciousness. I've since used it for weight loss with amazing results. I just googled for hypnotherapist in local area.

Be aware though that hypnotherapy isn't for everyone, my friend tried it for weight loss and thought it was rubbish. I also used it for labour with both births again. With great results.

biff23 · 28/12/2012 11:49

Be aware though that hypnotherapy isn't for everyone, my friend tried it for weight loss and thought it was rubbish. I also used it for labour with both births again. With great results.

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 28/12/2012 11:54

Ok I will have a look thank you!

1charlie how supportive was your dh in this situation? Did he take your anxiety seriously?

OP posts:

1charlie1 · 28/12/2012 12:55

Hi Loulou, it has improved so much. The last two times we visited MIL I did not have that awful churning stomach feeling, which was such a wonderful change from my usual apprehensiveness. DH has been fantastic, but a lot of the problems arose because of his passivity in the face of my MIL's simply appalling behaviour. I felt very vulnerable and undefended, as his tactics with regard to managing his mum are to bow his head (sometimes literally!) until it all blows over. DH has definitely improved with regard to telling his mum to pull her head in (nicely!), and I have been very honest with him about how his 'failure to protect and defend' triggered some fairly traumatic memories about my own passive dad's inability to protect my brother and I from my mum's rages. I'm quite teary writing this, but 'better out than in'!

Inlaws are difficult, because they aren't easy to evade! If I'd met MIL casually, I would not choose to see her again. As this isn't really possible, I've chosen to both minimise my exposure (about once a month, and DH can pop in after work for a cup of tea with her at other times), and do some work on myself so I'm able to cope better. This is all done with the support and understanding of DH. I don't know what I'd done if DH hadn't reacted as positively as he has.

If we have a child (as we hope to), the boundaries will need to be redrawn again, I imagine. But I know I can do it, even if I need to resort to more counselling!

ps I searched the internet for counsellors in my area. I had a session with one, didn't like her, made an appointment with another, he was terrific.

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 28/12/2012 17:31

Wow that sounds like you have made huge progress. I would live to be able to look forward to this holiday so maybe it is something i should look into.

My dh is sympathetic but he has never said anything to his Parents about my feelings. On the morning after I hadn't slept all night he took ds when he woke at 6 and then I did actually sleep for a couple of hours until 8. But he didn't tell pil I hadn't slept well so they just thought I was being lazy having a lie in and letting dh do the child care probably.

OP posts:

goonyagoodthing · 28/12/2012 18:42

I am going to be useless now, but why do you HAVE to spend time overnight with them? Nothing would make me stay the night in my PIL's house, or have them stay at mine. But they are within driving distance, so maybe that is not the case for you? Does anxiety come out in other aspects of your life? If not, then I know counselling is great and all that, but would it not be easier to stop the thing that is causing it i.e. staying overnight?

(Told you I would be no help!)

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 28/12/2012 19:04

They live just over an hour away so
Sometimes Travelling there and back in a day is a bit too much for ds. I have avoided staying overnight these pat two years, but it is something we used to do a lot and enjoy, so now it seems odd to them that we don't. And I can't really use having ds as an excuse as we take him all over the place and we have stayed overnight at loads of places including my parents, it only affects me when staying with them. Also I think I owe it to dh as he enjoys spending time with them. They have helped us out a lot. They are v generous and like to book holidays where they hire big houses for all the family to stay in and it would seem v odd and ungrateful
Not to go.

OP posts:

werewolvesdidit · 28/12/2012 21:29

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do loulou.

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 29/12/2012 15:30

Really? But indeed like I owe it to
My dh and to my pils
So that they have a
Relationship with their grandson. I used
To enjoy spending time with them. All of this means I really want to get it sorted
Out.

OP posts:

werewolvesdidit · 29/12/2012 16:36

I am currently seeing a psychotherapist due to anxiety (caused mainly by the long term treatment of my family and subsequent treatment by my inlaws). I am slowly learning that it IS ok to put my own feelings first. It sounds to me like you need counselling re your own anxiety issues. You don't seem to be able to put your own needs first and you know, you actually are allowed to. Why not let DH go with your child on the 'family' holidays and pass it off as you having some quiet time.

werewolvesdidit · 29/12/2012 16:38

BTW, my kids have never been to my MIL's house (much to her annoyance). I don't feel guilty - I just think 'well, you shouldn't have been such a controlling bastard then, should you.'

ledkr · 29/12/2012 16:51

Good to hear theses stories as I was the same after my pils appalling behaviour after I'd had dd. it has eased greatly by me being very assertive and by dh realising that they have up their right to come and go as they pleased with their failure to follow our wishes.
Visits are short and sweet and if we stay there I am civil but pop off up to bed early and counteract any criticism with a hard state and a firm answer.
I still struggle with an intense dislike if them due to the affect their actions had on me and the disbelief that they could treat someone like that.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 29/12/2012 17:02

I think you should talk to your GP OP. Tell them the full story and see what they suggest. We all start out a little anxious as new mums, relatively trivial stuff can put our noses out of joint and we can see offence where none is intended - but to still be so frightened two years down the track that your guts turn to water seems excessive. So I think your GP has to be on the cards.

At the same time it doesn't sound like you've ever really expressed to your in-laws how their actions affected you. If you're still worried that they will whisk your baby away if it makes a noise in the night you can't have told them how it made you feel originally. If you feel you have to spend so much time with them against your better judgement, that's also a problem. So I'd strongly recommend you look at improving your assertiveness and confidence at the same time. Good luck

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 29/12/2012 17:55

No I have never told them how it has affected me and I think if I did now they would think i was crazy 2 years down the line. I am mortified at the thought of offending them as they are well meaning if a little tactless judgemental and narrow minded

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 29/12/2012 18:00

So you'd rather suffer acute anxiety and loose bowels than sit down with your in-laws, grown-up to grown-up, and explain how that original experience has left you feeling nervous about being at their house with your child?

When I'd just had my DS and was still in hospital for a few days I remember very clearly the afternoon when they wheeled his little crib out of the ward in order to do a heel-prick test. They thought they were doing me a favour ... but I was still all over the place after the birth and howled the place down. DS was swiftly returned!!! My point being that your MIL may have thought she was doing you a favour taking a wailing baby and letting you sleep that first night and wasn't to know it would screw you up for life.

So talk to her woman to woman. I'm sure she'll be mortified rather than offended.

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 29/12/2012 19:39

Yes I really feel I should talk to them but somehow I just feel unable to do it. They are very sort of practical people and don't really discuss emotions ever.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 29/12/2012 21:40

It's not trivial stuff to walk into someone's bedroom and take their new baby away. It's really not.

I'm not surprised you feel anxious. She was bang out of order and you were very vulnerable.

I wouldn't stay there for a while until I'd processed this more.

Not staying the night does not prevent a relationship between your pil and your ds. That's bs.

Your dh should listen to you. You need to have faith in him and build up your confidence.

It all takes time. Give yourself that time. It will get better if you do that.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 29/12/2012 21:50

"They are very sort of practical people and don't really discuss emotions ever."

So keep it practical when you explain. "I was still very emotional after the birth and, even though I know you meant well, ... etc"

She was trying to settle your new baby which is usually a nice thing for a grandma to do for a new mum who is tired and beaten up after childbirth. Letting you sleep etc. My DM stayed with me when DS was very small and it's the kind of thing she'd do as well. However, in your situation, wires clearly got crossed and what might have been a nice gesture came across as - I don't know - threatening? interfering? a negative comment on your ability as a mother? You didn't say anything at the time, two years on you say you're still upset and I think the longer you sit on it, the more worked up you'll get rather than less.

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 29/12/2012 22:04

Yes, that's exactly it, I felt it meant that she had absolutely zero
Confidence that I could look after my new ds. I felt undermined and threatened. My own dm was supportive but in a way that was always positive and encouraging, and never overstepped the mark, whereas
I feel like coming into our bedroom was a huge crossing of Boundaries.
Even the fact that they stayed that night at all was invasive I felt.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 29/12/2012 22:22

What is she like now? Is she a positive, encouraging ally in your parenting adventure? Or do you feel she's not on side, as it were?

I mean, is it really a nice thing to do - taking a newborn away? I wouldn't do that. I might knock at the door and ask if I could help in any way or would the new mum like company whilst she's settling her baby or a cup of tea seeing as she's being kept awake anyway.

My every instinct would tell me not to remove the baby from the new mother unless she expressly asked me to.

YOu know what, families evolve and change. You don't have to stay with pil if you don't want to. Even if you or dh think it sounds unreasonable.

I for one hate staying at other people's houses. I loathe it - it's not comfortable, it's a huge effort and it's tiring. So I very rarely do it. I just said no more. And I don't care if it makes me seem inflexible etc. Right now, I need to make sure I'm on good form for my dcs - that is, the least tired, the least stressed, the least unhappy.

Please don't seek to make other people happy all the time particularly over small stuff like staying at their houses. Make sure you are happy. You are after all, the one who has had and is still having the major life change here.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 29/12/2012 22:24

Families may evolve and change but the OP is fixated on something that happened two years ago. That's not evolution, that's emotional stagnation....

WinkyWinkola · 29/12/2012 22:30

Also, if she is still full of comments and disapproval about your co-sleeping - not that it's any of her business - you need to equip yourself with some responses be it a shrug or a more abrupt, "It's actually none of your business."

I think you're still dwelling on this partly because you've not stood up to her, you've not taken back control. If someone is making negative comments and is having an impact on how you feel and you do nothing about it, it makes everything seem much worse.

You might just have to say that you don't appreciate her words and also start not to care what she thinks.

If you want her to make the parenting decisions, then let her. If you don't then carry on as you were. It's up to you to find your own way, what works for you and your dh and your ds. It's your little family now.

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