Pils and my anxiety- advice needed.

[louloutheshamed]

Ok I have finally realised how ridiculous this issue has become and I really need to address it but I don't know how.
I have posted about this before but have nc since then, but some of you might remember. Basically I have a ds who is nearly 2. On the night we brought him home from hospital pils were staying at our house. Ds was 3 days old, and was crying at night, and mil came into our bedroom and took him off me to try to settle him.

When ds was smaller she did a lot of other stuff that I was sensitive about too ( typical undermining mil comments, disapproved of demand bf etc) but the thing on the first night is what has really stayed with me.

Now I had been with dh for 10 years before ds, and we have always holidayed together, stayed at theirs etc, but since having ds I have found this much more difficult. I basically do not sleep if we are staying at theirs overnight or away somewhere. Twice I have had severe diarrhoea when staying overnight which I can only think was caused by stress. Because wig this I try to avoid staying with them. I did not go to a weekend in the lakes with them because
Of this, dh went alone causing mil
To speculate that our marriage was in trouble. However it also cannot be avoided on some occasions. On boxing day, for example we stayed at theirs and i did not sleep all night. Not a wink. I spent the whole
Night on tenterhooks worried that ds would wake and in turn wake them. Ironically ds slept through til 6! (he isn't the best sleeper, also if he is unsettled we tend to bring him in with us which I live but know pil
Do not approve).

I am usually a rational person but this has been going on for nearly 2 years now and seems to be getting worse not better. We are supposed to be spending a week in north Yorkshire with them in the summer and I am already dreading it. Dh joked i need some hypnotherapy and I am starting to think it might be a good idea?! Can anyone advise me on this as I know i am being ridiculous but I cannot seem to get past it!

She is quite positive now but has very particular ideas about how things Should be done which I do not always conform to! Everytime i see them I feel as if my parenting is being judged and scrutinised. As it happens ds is a delight, happy, confident, healthy and lovely. She recognises this but constantly compares him (favourably) with her other dgcs which stresses me out as its like she sees it as a competition.

"That's not evolution, that's emotional stagnation...."

Not really. The op's family has evolved yet for some reason she doesn't feel able to tackle what she sees as her mil's undermining of her parenting. It's not just about that one incident two years ago. Read her posts about comments from the mil.

The op lacks confidence, she's worried about upsetting people by asserting herself in a perfectly reasonable way. The op sounds emotionally advanced compared to her mil! It doesn't matter that it's her mil btw. It could be anyone that could have done this - to avoid the usual mil/dil bunfight.

I don't think the op has stagnated emotionally at all. Rather she has a whole heap of new emotions to deal with that she really shouldn't have to cope with at all if her dh or mil showed some more sensitivity.

You seem to spend a lot of time assuming all the lurid things they are supposed to be thinking about you and making yourself anxious in the process.... but no time at all articulating your annoyance or expressing your feelings. If you don't like the constant comparisons, for example, say so. "FFS MIL it's not a competition!!!" It's not difficult and it's a hell of a lot quicker and less unpleasant than stress-related diarrhoea

Do you struggle to assert yourself in other areas of life?

"she really shouldn't have to cope with at all if her dh or mil showed some more sensitivity."

No-one would have to be assertive or confrontational if the world was solely populated with sensitive, reasonable people, all tippy-toeing about & expected to know when they've caused offence without actually being told. But it's not.... so it's up to all of us to sharpen our elbows, speak up & deal with the world as it actually is.

How does she compare the dgcs?

I would say stuff about the other gcs that they are wonderful, how lucky ds is to have such great cousins etc. Always be positive about them all, including mil.

Does your dh notice the comments about the other dgcs? If not, ask him what he thinks.

It's time to get a bit of a thicker skin. Your ds sounds great. You sound like a brilliant, sensitive, responsive mother. Don't let one person get to you - he is as good as her other gcs. Absolutely not question there.

She might be a wee bit jealous if she feels she needs to show disapproval of the way you do things. People are usually negative when they feel jealous. It's tough though because you will carry on living your life the way you want to. Don't change for her! That may well irritate her, that you don't toe her line but it's not up to her.

"But it's not.... so it's up to all of us to sharpen our elbows, speak up & deal with the world as it actually is."

Of course. But it's not always that easy and sometimes people need advice on pinpointing the problem and how exactly to achieve dealing with the world without causing major offence.