In-law help and advice needed urgently pleaseeeeee!!!

[Scarlettno1]

When I met my husband 10years ago his wife of 35 had sadly died and he had 2 boys and I have 2 girls from my previous marriage all same ages, we all hit it off really well and 10years on still do, we all live together. Our eldest is 21yrs and youngest is 16. The only problem we have is my husbands parents. When we met he told me that he doesn't really have a family as his mum and dad aren't close to him, although they used to come to see the boys and his late wife and my husband when he returned from work every Saturday. My husbands late wife used to find it a tie and complained but continued nevertheless. When I came on the scene quite quickly after my husbands wife died his parents continued coming but this came increasingly difficult as with 4 children's different activities. Things began to get tense as they keep trying to interfere with the boys interests and my washing etc. why i say interfere is because I was never really asked my opinion, they just did it. My husbands dad is his step dad but my husband looks upon him as his real dad always has done, calls him dad. We have had a few arguments in the past with the major one being some time ago, saturdays were discussed and calling before they came so i was dressed and ready rather than just turning up. my husband did say to his mum that she doesnt care about him to which she didnt reply. His dad said in anger after my husband walked out of the meeting to calm down, he just like his dad and i said he loves you a lot. It seems his parents still have not moved on with the death of his late wife, they mentioned they thought we were seeing each other before his wife did, I said certainly not and I have the proof on the computer in our loft of our conversation to which they still didn't believe me. To the present day we just invite his parents over for birthdays, Mother's Day and events to which they come always bring presents to all the children but do make a much bigger fuss over the boys in front of the girls. This is the first year since 10years together they haven't come to us for Xmas day as they were going away. As the boys are older the eldest drives so there is no need to come to our house, they just invite them over. I was most disappointed that they didn't even come over with the Xmas presents they asked their grandson to collect them. Hope you have a rough background. The last east problems is its my husbands dads 70th birthday and they have telephoned their grandsons and asked them to a birthday meal with friends if theirs. They haven't invited their son (my husband) or even mentioned it to him, he says he doesn't care and he told me when we first met he wasn't close, I know he does really. I'm really close to my parents and have spoken to my mum about it who says don't worry about it just don't invite them to anything in the future as clearly they don't really want to be there. I don't know what to do, if anything and what the future holds, any advice gravely appreciated or questions if u need to know further information

Your post is very difficult to read/understand, but it seems to me that on the one hand you make them feel unwelcome and don't want them to visit because they interfere with your childrens' activities and your laundry plans.

On the other hand you feel slighted because they haven't come over to visit you at Christmas.

You think that they think that you were seeing their son before his wife died?

It is up to your DH to put them right on that score.

I am not sure what you want TBH.

I think you've made it pretty clear that your DH parents are only welcome at your house when invited but now you're complaining that they didn't call over at Christmas.

Does your DH ever go over to theirs?

I don't know what advice you're after either. You can't have it all ways and it sounds like you want it all your own way.

Sorry if i havent made myself very clear. I have advised my inlaws that they are welcome anytime and always have been however please could they call to see if we are in rather than just turning up when we could have friends over, be busy or even out. As explained they have always come over at every birthday, mothers day or family event including xmas . 3littlefrogs - yes they thought we were seeing each other before his wife died. The reason I say they are interfering is I will give you a example. They came into the house when i was out and my step son was in, helped themselves to my step sons clothes in my garage and had to rummage through everyone elses laundry and cleaned just his clothes, left their other grandsons clothes and everyone else's. How can that be right? Surely the right thing to do is ask or offer your help.

We have only ever been invited for dinner twice over boxing day a few years ago for dinner with the children. We have never been invited for dinner ever on our own and my husband said he never was invited with his late wife either and they only live 20mins away.

Why do they have a key to your house? ask for it back.

hollyberrybush - they dont have a key my step son let them in

You can't make them care about your dh. You can't change that relationship. As your dsses are older it is their choice whether to see their grandparents or not.

Stop trying to force the issue and leave it.

IF DSS let them in when you were out, is it possible he asked his nan to put a load of washing in the machine - because I cant see why they would do one grandsons and not the others - perhaps exclusion of your daughters as they aren't direct blood - but singling out one grandson for special treatment?

I think you probably aren't getting the whole story from your DSS.

Clearly there is disapproval over yours and Dhs quick relationship, but I would have thought they would be over that by now - I could understand the hositility if they were his late wifes parents, but as they are his parents? Can't see the rationale for that.

I think you just have to put this one down to experience, admit to your selves that these are not particularly sociable people and just smile and nod when you do see them. The grandsons are of an age to maintain their own relationships with their GPS.

There's nothing that you can do really. it's between your husband and his parents to sort out.

thank you lemonbree & Hollyberry for your sound advice that makes me feel much better hearing it from people completely uninvolved with the situtation. Yes Holly i do think there probably is a little bit of interference from my step-son hes probably moaning about how long he has to wait for his clothes to be washed:) Yes I would of thought my inlaws would of accepted our quick relationship 10years down the line but I dont think they ever will. Its a shame as my husband is a only child and they dont have any other family members except her mum has a mother still alive who she hates but continues to take out every week shopping. So your advise would be dont say anthing to the boys about dad not going or being invited to the birthday meal or anything to his mum or dad? Also do i just ask the children whether on birthdays etc if they want granny and granpa to come and leave it to them to decide. I think it will end up where the boys will just go to their grandparents and we dont see them again:(

qazxc - your right however it still effects me, our girls and boys

My dear, if your DSS is old enough to be left alone, he's old enough to put a wash on HIMSELF.

I don't think you are being U btw, it does sound a little like your inlaws are looking to try and stir things.
I agree, your H needs to tackle this stuff, if it bothers him.

As for the circumstances of the beginning of your relationship with your DH, 10 years ago, that's nobody's business but yours. You know it was started on a 'clean sheet' your H knows that, and that really is all that matters. Those that would make any other suggestion are not Friends of your Marriage and need to be sideline/allowed only limited access to your lives.

There is nothing you can do wrt the relationship between your DSS and their GP, but tbh, the boys will work it all out as time goes on.

Just be the home they come back to, the soft place to fall/be and the support that they need. Everything else will work itself out.

Its sounds like both sides are simply butting heads.

They used to visit every week. Their dil dies and within a short while a new woman has moved in and stops that arrangement. and also complains about what they do when they are there.

I can see why they would have an issue, tbh.

I also see why the way they are with their son seems strange to you. You are very close to your parents. But I don't see why it bothers you. They have a relationship with their grandsons and are not annoying you.

Best of both worlds really.

Why does your DH think they don't care about him? I mean why did he think that before? (I can see why he thinks that now, because of the lack of the invitation to the 70th birthday celebration).

Is there some other reason they seem to be difficult or dislike you and your DH? Do they disapporve of you for some reason? They do sound difficult and I'm not sure why people are blaming you, I wouldn't be happy with my parents or in-laws turning up unnnounced on a regular basis if they are intending to stay for a visit.

It is not your job to justify to them when you did or did not get together with your DH - it was 10 years ago, and really, not their business. It is obvious that it is a permanent, meaningful relationship and you are all a happy family together.

Keep inviting them to family events, invite them over once in a while when there isn't an event, and most important - make sure every member of the household knows how to use the washing machine and do their launelling laundry!! And get your DH to have a word with your DSS and tell him not to be a stirrer by telling his grandmother he doesn't get his clothes washed!

There are 3 relationships here:
PILs and DH
PILs and you
PILs and the DSs from 1st marriage.
Luckily your life needn't revolve round unwilling PILs.

Evidently your DH has issues with his mum and stepdad. Perhaps they always sided with his wife before, people can be odd treating adult DCs like wayward children. Perhaps they appear to exclude him now because they respect his loyalty to you? Giving preferential treatment to DSs is just a way of exercising waning power.

It is touching in a way that as far as PILs are concerned, their late DIL hasn't been forgotten. Sometimes a tragic early death confers sainthood. Unfortunately this is at the cost of accepting you. After 10 years this seems long overdue but as adults you all make your choices, and they can like who they want.

Don't fight it, stay polite and accept they are prepared to be GPs for your girls, but it's the boys they favour. In your own home you can expect civility and beyond those four walls, you have to lump being ignored or sidelined. Just don't tippy toe round them like you have anything to be ashamed of.

HisstletoeAndWhine - spot on! Although my step-sons granny would do his washing if is didnt no matter what age he is. I think because the boys mother died they feel they dont want the boys to want for anything or as they have said to me suffer any more pain and have therefore showered them materialistically.
yohohoho - I didnt stop the arrangement they did as they didnt want to let me know when they would be arriving. My husbands relationship with his parents doesnt feel strange to me, there are many people that dont get on well with their parents i just said it was a shame he doesnt get on and never really has done even before his wife died.

MotherOfTheBritishEmpire - Because they never call to ask my husband how he is. He often calls them and asks how they are. When he tells them what he is up to his mum never ask anything about it she just talks about herself and her animals. If you read back on my postings you will see I said that he said to his mum that she didnt care about him and she said nothing back. I think TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown if right and my husband has also said that since his late wife died she is a saint in there eyes, however he thinks they never really liked his late wife and that she always would stick up for herself. She was quite a different personality to me from what I have been told, she wasnt frightened of saying how she felt and no-one could say anything about her boys. I however dont like conflict and am very sensitive. I like to please everyone and want everyone to be happy. I suppose that has helped in our relationship with our families coming together and being the fact that all our children get on and are happy individuals and i tell them all they are treated the same and loved the same. I like the advice your last bit TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown from dont fight it etc i will do that.
On the most recent event 2 months ago it was my daughters birthday and my mother in law came in to our family party and walked straight past my daughter and continued to speak to the boys. My step son turned and said "you havent wished my daughter happy birthday" to which granny said yes yes i will in a minute". That was the first time i have noticed my older step son intervene.

I think time is on your side here. it sounds like your stepsons are now young adults/late teens? So it won't be long before they are moving out, getting on with their lives, possibly moving away. And definitely old enough to decide how much they want to see their GPs - at this age seeing your GPs every birthday is less interesting than spending it with your mates. They can decided how much they want to do with your PIL themselves.

They also seem to have noticed how the GPs are with your daughters, who presumably after 10 yrs they view as sisters. You've noticed them intervene once, they sound like great boys who aren't stupid as to what is going on around them. This side of things will sort itself out.

You, your DH and the PIL is harder. They sound like they have sanctified the previous DW (and forgotten she didn't like them), are more interested in 'blood GCs' (even though they aren't FIL's blood relatives) and worst of all can't see that every Saturday visits doesn't work when GCs grow up and have minds and lives of their own. All you can decide is where your boundaries are and how much you are going to let their behaviour upset you.

Kundry - my eldest boy is at uni and comes home in the hols or when his grandparents call and want to take him our for lunch, his uni is 2hrs away. But they bought him his car and pay his car insurance, parking and im sure they gave him money for his petrol when he comes back to see them. I know I should just let it go over might head its not worth getting upset over but its difficult sometimes.

He is maybe old enough then that when the time comes, he can be told that GCs have not done the same for his sisters.

Students will do anything for a car and a free roast dinner! But he is growing up and so can have the inequality pointed out to him.

I think perhaps its best we don't point it out as he will feel awkward and it's not his fault, he will probably see for himself. We did point out once that when invited over he should suggest bringing his brother as its not fair as they treat the eldest differently to his brother. I think it is a generation thing as a lot of grandparents favour the older siblings the first born. They probably feel they know him better as he was older when his mum died and his younger brother I have bought up most of his living life.

Op, I think it would help to write in paragraphs with line spaces between each. And write in shorter sentences. It takes an awful lot of concentration to read your posts.

What happens when you and your dh invite his parents out, eg for a meal in a restaurant, just the 4 of you? Do you have a nice time?

Sure Bessie

We have never been out for a meal with them.

We have invited them out for a meal and they make excuses as to why they can't go.

Gp have taken out the boys many times to restaurants so they do eat out.

OP
You have a large extended family and some are missing in your posts.
The paternal GPs of your Dc and the maternal GP of your stepsons - . Do you and DH have no contact with any of them? They surely would have an impact on family gatherings. Your inlaws of DH are not the only grandparents in your family, but seem to act as if they are.

Sorry I don't know what dc stands for.

But my parents are brilliant with the boys and girls.

My husbands late wife mum and dad moved away (2hrs) when she died.

The boys grandmother (mothers side) died 2 months ago and my husband went to the funeral with the my eldest.

His step dad tried to put my husband off by saying my husband wasn't welcome and when asked why, he said i know thats all you need to know and they would take the boys.

We asked the grandmothers son and husband who both said myself and my husband were both welcome.

In the end my husband said he is going and taking our son.

I stayed behind with our youngest son as he didn't want to go.

But my husbands parents went and my husband suggested all sharing a car as it was a 2hr drive. They said they wanted to go on there own.

I have always got on with my husbands late wife family they are warm people.

Your pil sound very odd. Do you really want them in your lives? Of course your dh must be upset at their rejecting him but he sounds like he is better off without them. He's got his own family now; they can F off, no?