Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn Opinions

31 replies

sausageroll25 · 27/12/2012 12:28

I'm just after peoples opinions really. Nothing terribly wrong just concerned a little.
Ive been with dp for just over two yrs,he has had few problems with ED, he says it takes him a while to get used to a new partner.

Recently though we needed a new laptop,so he bought one. I had my own I bought with me when I moved in with him ( so he never really used it and it was incredibly slow) now he has this new one.

One of the first things he looked at was porn, which I dont really have a problem with , quite curious myself sometimes.

But what concerns me is the amount he looks at it now. Its everyday and whenever I'm not about, or before I get back from work etc.

He found it hard to 'finish' (sorry) during sex for a few times lately, I know he's not masturbating cos its a bit of a (sexist) joke on his part but he says thats what Im here for and he doesn't feel the need.And I do believe him as he's open with me about that.

How does it affect mens heads/bodies by watching it? Any ideas?

:)

OP posts:
dondon33 · 27/12/2012 12:52

Could it be that he's not that sexually experienced so is looking for inspiration but if that was it I don't get why he would look so much.
I would be inclined to not believe him about the wanking, especially as he's finding it hard to 'finish' during RL sex - Often when guys use too much porn it affects their performance as actual sex becomes too vanilla for them.

mintyminty · 27/12/2012 15:58

I don't have experience with men who've had ED, but it is a medical condition, so you probably need to discuss it with him and perhaps seek medical advice.

Not finishing? I've never "finished" in my life, but still like sex with DH, try different things in bed, like to watch porn from time to time (curiosity when alone, and sometimes with DH). So I guess if he does not "finish" you can still both enjoy yourselves and be close? That should be the most important thing.

I've changed my nickname for this post :)

SnoogyWoo · 27/12/2012 21:23

Im sorry but he will 100% be masturbating. As a man myself if you masturbate and then have sex the same day it makes it difficult to cum during normal sex. Not impossible but harder.

AnnoyedAtWork · 27/12/2012 21:26

He is lying about the masturbating - sorry OP. why else would he be looking at porn? Also explains the not finishing.

Leaving aside my own opinions about porn, he is lying to you which is a big red flag.

AnnoyedAtWork · 27/12/2012 21:28

Sorry just saw this is asking for opinions

I would never tolerate my partner watching porn it is a betrayal of trust and it is demeaning to women

My DP agrees with me about the damaging nature of it

jteee · 29/12/2012 04:27

absolute rubbish - having masturbated for my man does not mean he cannot then go on to finish off with me, andn yes I am happy to help finish him off since he is happy to bring me to orgasm...
So SnoggyWoo...you are talking about your own limits. Not all men.
Porn as demeaning to women and a betrayal of trust, whether DP agrees with you or not, is also shite. You are simply expressing your OPINION MLB. If you don't like porn, don't watch it, as you and your DP clearly don't.
And as far as porn making "normal sex" too vanilla?
Utter rubbish.
It just gets any man I have been with more keyed up for ANY AND ALL sexual activity.
No normal man, and yes most of them are, expects any of the behaviour in porn. Hard, soft or snuff.

Everyone here needs to get much more real about what the world is made of - and simply f off when it comes to daft post like "He is lying to you". What the hell does some other poster know about someone to the extent they feel justified leaving that kind of trash up there?

And then cannot leave to one side their hilarious opinions.

The big red flag?

The lack of biological fact concerning wanking.

TapirAroundTheChristmasTree · 29/12/2012 04:36

JT - what works for you and your partner may not work for others. One thing these boards show us is that no two people's experiences are ever exactly the same.

New to MN?

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill · 29/12/2012 04:38

Having just googled masturbation and ejaculation, this is the first link I found:

gameblogspot

Which would seem to somewhat contradict your viewpoint jaytee

SnoogyWoo · 29/12/2012 09:08

Spot on blog Maggie.

Jtee - You say you masturbate your partner and he finishes with you, whole different ball game. If he had knocked a couple out earlier by himself then it would not be so easy.

prozacbear · 29/12/2012 09:12

I would place a pretty big bet on him lying about masturbating. Is he seriously looking at porn EVERY day (which is a lot, particularly when one has a DP, tbh, and that would make me worry) and not masturbating? Unless he's using it to 'gear himself up' for you, and making himself so tense that he can't finish, which is possible but ... I'd plump for masturbating.

Personally, I have no problem with porn. If it were me in this situation, I'd certainly need to have a talk with DP, as he is using porn secretly in a situation where your sex life isn't as it should be. Those things ARE linked. Before that, though, I'd snoop. What sort of porn is he watching - something specific? That could be enlightening.

How does it affect men? Completely differently, in my experience. I had one (young) bf who treated sex as if it was a porn movie and it was horrid. Others seem to be able to compartmentalise and realise porn is just a fantasy/entertainment. You need to talk with your DP about this, as how he personally views it will change the scenario dramatically. Actually, it sounds to me as if you need to communicate more generally.

Good luck OP :)

Bellendissima · 29/12/2012 09:32

I am not anti-porn and watch it myself. However, it sounds very possible that your DP has some sort of prolematic relationship with porn - an addiction most likely.

And Of course he is mastrbating - ridiculous that he suggests otherwise and points to him having some major hang ups about his sexuality. I would press for a frank discussion around this. Good luck.

AnnoyedAtWork · 29/12/2012 10:10

Jteee - I SAID in my post that was only my opinion as the OP was asking for opinions!

AnnoyedAtWork · 29/12/2012 10:24

And as for thinking he must be lying:

Man watches porn but says doesn't masturbate (weird in itself)

Man then can't come during sex later that day

2+2=4

Not ridiculous to think he might be lying

badinage · 29/12/2012 10:42

It's not 'opinion' that women are often demeaned in porn, it is fact.

It's not opinion that excessive masturbation can adversely affect penetrative ejaculation, it is fact.

It is highly probable that a man who has a daily porn habit is also masturbating either while watching it or as a result of watching it and that this, together with his habit for telling lies, is the core problem.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2012 11:04

Hard, soft or snuff.

What does this mean ?

prozacbear · 29/12/2012 11:08

AnyFucker - probably a subject you probably don't need to learn more about/google. I bloody didn't.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2012 11:42

I just wanted to know why any person would bring that kind of concept onto this thread.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 29/12/2012 12:30

I don't think what other people think about porn is relevant to your problem really OP. The crux of the matter is that if he's wanking so much it's ruining your sex-life, it's an issue. If he's using porn to the detriment of your relationship, it's an issue. If you don't like him using porn... it's an issue.

It's like asking 'what's your attitude to alcohol?' when living with an alcoholic. It's not other people's problem, it's his.

dondon33 · 29/12/2012 15:35

jaytee very nice of you to share your opinions with us but next time maybe research before you jump on a thread.

www.yourbrainonporn.com

You could also google what's clinically referred to as idiosyncratic masturbatory style.

countrykitten · 29/12/2012 16:36

He is definitely wanking. A lot. This is why he can't come with you. He is probably lying about this as he thinks that you will not be so pissed off about the porn if you don't think he is watching it for sexual gratification (er, why else would he be watching it?!).

CeilingThomas · 29/12/2012 20:29

My personal opinion (since you have asked for it OP) is that there seems to me more to this than first appears. I think your dp is not being totally truthful.

Keep talking to him about your worries and concerns until you are 100% satisfied with his responses. Anything less and you'll be doing yourself an injustice.

It concerns me that he 'needs to get used to a new partner' makes me think he's so used to wanking to porn that being with a real life woman just doesn't do it for him. Big red flag to me.

shiny1 · 29/12/2012 22:39

Ok,jumping on this thread.Found out my husband of 21 yrs is watching porn on his phone.We have six kids,3 are disabled,I have to sleep with 4 yr ols (severly autistic) downstairs.Sex hardly ever,even then just going through the motions.When i confronted him,he said he understood how i felt,but i know hes still watching it.Id be grateful for any advice,thanks.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 29/12/2012 22:49

@shiny1... You need to talk to each other some more. Not in a confrontational way, I'd suggest, but more a bigger, constructive conversation about each other's needs for intimacy, affection, intercourse, sexual release, masturbation and so on. If your sex-life is struggling because you don't make time to be affectionate with each other, that's one aspect. If your sex-life is struggling because your DH is disproportionately preoccupied with porn, that would be another. If you're OK as a couple with masturbation but not OK with particular stimuli (porn/erotica/toys) that's a different conversation again.

shiny1 · 29/12/2012 22:57

Thanks.you are right,but he wont talk about anything,he is very emotionally detached,but im sure he still loves me in his own way.

TwoFacedCows · 29/12/2012 23:10

Some men have a wank before they have sex because as you say they find it harder to finish- so last for ages (and isnt lasting for hours something lots of men brag about)
Perhaps your DP is having problems lasting very long, and is embarrassed and does not want you to know, so by last ages and having trouble finishing is better then lasting 2 mins??