so...I screwed it up, inevitable really wasnt it :(

[FlojoHoHoHo]

All was well until Xmas eve when I went off on one because I asked him not to let my DD open any presents from Xmas eve hamper til I returned from the loo. I was only gone a minute and she was tearing in to them. Cue ridiculous row along the lines of "I can't believe u let her do that" and "I didn't hear u tell me not to let her".
He stormed off, returned, things were awful all night. All was well for DCs on Xmas morning, he left at 10am saying take care. At 12 I text him saying "did we just break up?". No reply and I've just returned from his house, in but no reply and a million text sent.
Idiot stupid stupid idiot. Why can't I just be normal.

I'm sorry but your relationship with this man just sounds like a joke. Its all over the place. I honestly wouldn't bother anymore.

You sound like teenagers.

Nah I wasn't this ridiculous when I was a teenager. If a guy give me the run around I'd bin him off and not think twice. I used to have confidence. Now I'm screwed up and screw everything up.
Not sure when that started, at some point since DCs. My ex always made me feel like a failure but maybe I was already. I just know it was a huge battle to start dating again and then this new guy, I felt so much pressure to salvage something to prove I wasn't a complete disaster, but clearly I am.

I think you should maybe do the Freedom programme or some kind of counselling to build up your self-esteem.

Your ex did a number on you and the way to deal with that isn't to make a relationship with some twonk work, but to get your confidence back and be that person who wouldn't take any crap from her boyfriends again. Maybe you weren't ready to date again and that was why it was a battle.

And he does sound a twonk. Maybe it's not you, but him.

How old is your dd? Was the hamper hidden from her sight?

Was he meant to be spending Christmas Day with you or was it always intended that he'd leave early in the morning?

I'd love to get my confidence back, I've been on my own for years but can't seem to get my confidence back.
I tried anti depressants for a year but they didn't really help with my self esteem, I spoke to a mental health worker but felt like a fraud, she didn't really put me at ease and talked a lot about her busy schedule so I ended up feeling like there are others with serious issues who needed her time more so I didn't go back. I actually find talking about myself quite self indulgent and uncomfortable. I guess that's why I use MN a lot, its the only time I am honest about my screw ups.

izzy DD is 4. I'd given her the hamper and she'd opened a gingerbread and was munching that when I said I'll nip upstairs while she's busy don't let het touch it til I return. I know it wasn't that important, that my problem, I get something in my head, like wanting to see her open every little present then flip when it goes pear shaped.
He always planned to leave early. Tho I begged him to return when he stormed off on Xmas eve. That's the trouble, I always go running and hate myself for it. This time I went to far and turned in to a desperate snivelling stalker.

I've deleted his number and all traces of it so I can't do it again, I know I need to be on my own. I just hate myself for being such a screw up. Deep down I want a normal family life but instead I screw it up.

good! you needed to end this relationship. now, learn how to be by yourself.

You again?

This saga sounds dafter and dafter.

santa oh I know how to be by myself alright! I've had plenty of practice but it doesn't seem to get any easier!

Apart from feeling an utter idiot and a failure, there is actually a part of me that feels relieved. Not sure what exactly I am relieved about, probably not having the stress and worry of when i'll screw up next!

Yes I'm afraid its me whine the cock lodger is long gone and now not very D or P bastard has left me!
I single handedly managed to ruin my own christmas, oh well things could be a lot lot worse.

Actually speaking of the cock lodger, he sent me a Christmas card 'To Flo and DCs, miss you all, love (cock lodger)' its been 18 months fgs!

so? that's his (cocklodger's) issue. dont make it yours. if you have no interest in him then just roll your eyes and bin the card. dont make it a drama. it's not even worthy of more than an eye roll.

stop all thsi self pitying, yes, that's what you're doing and it has the opposite effect of what you want it to do. it doesn't make people feel sympathy for you or make them say "oh, there's nothing wrong with you, it's him!". so stop it, you know what your issues are so start tackling them. stop repeating this same whinge over and over again, and to do that you have to stop repeating the behvaiour! you know you need to.

and that's as much as i'm going to invest in you so good . i really do hope for your own sake you can break your own cycle of behaviours.

that should have said "so good luck"

I did roll my eyes and bin it.
I don't want sympathy. I just thought I'd share, since I was told it would end in disaster and no shit, everyone was right and as per, I learnt the hard and humiliating way.

It's unrealistic to give a hamper of Christmas treats to a 4yo and exhort someone else to ensure they don't get to dip into it again while you are out of the room. After giving her one treat, why didn't you simply hide the hamper?

However, your disappointment at not getting to see your dd much her way through all of the contents of the hamper has been worthwhile as it's revealed the cocklodger's successor to be cut from the same twuntish tartan cloth.

Counselling will give you some insight into the reasons why you haven't learned from past mistakes and are continuing to entertain and run around after men who disrespect you.

Until then, I suggest you take a break from dating - or, at very least, refrain from introducing them to your dc until they've proved without doubt they are suitable role models for impressionable young minds.

It's me that's the crap role model though isn't it. Sorry really not after sympathy just saying it as it is.
In RL people seem to think I'm this independent hold it together type. Behind closed doors I'm a complete screw up. Trouble is, my DCs are behind those closed doors too.

It's immensely brave of you to face that probability, Flojo, and I suspect that you already have the insight to know why you're engaging in behaviour whch has the potential to further damage your self-esteem, as well as undermining the stability of your dc.

I reckon you'd be a counsellor's dream, honey, and you'd soon become sufficiently empowered to turn your private life around.

Sorry, but I'm inclined to agree with Santa here.

'I single handedly managed to ruin my own christmas'.

Did your daughter enjoy her Christmas Day? Did she, at the age of 4, and with plenty of things to distract her, actually notice what had happened?

Christmas is about her enjoyment and not yours, and if you managed to make it special for her, hen you do unfortunately sound a little self-indulgent.

If you keep on convincing yourself that you 'ruined' Christmas, then you have nobody to blame but yourself.

You need to hold it together as much as possible for her sake now.

'I've just returned from his house' I hope you didn't take your dd to witness you banging no his door. Not read your other posts but he doesn't sound like much of a catch.

How have you explained his absence to your DD? How is she handling it? Was this person that left her father?