so...I screwed it up, inevitable really wasnt it :(

[FlojoHoHoHo]

All was well until Xmas eve when I went off on one because I asked him not to let my DD open any presents from Xmas eve hamper til I returned from the loo. I was only gone a minute and she was tearing in to them. Cue ridiculous row along the lines of "I can't believe u let her do that" and "I didn't hear u tell me not to let her".
He stormed off, returned, things were awful all night. All was well for DCs on Xmas morning, he left at 10am saying take care. At 12 I text him saying "did we just break up?". No reply and I've just returned from his house, in but no reply and a million text sent.
Idiot stupid stupid idiot. Why can't I just be normal.

You are blaming yourself for reacting in a way that caused him to react in another way. That is flawed thinking. Unless you have been genuinely horrendous it is not your responsibility to manage a boyfriend's reactions. I used to do that with my ex, blame myself for being (justifiably) angry about something because it would cause him to get (predictably) huffy and childish and ruin whatever it was we were doing. I now realise his reactions were not my responsibility or mine to manage.

Erik that makes sense.
DCs had a good Xmas day, I kept myself busy, it was just that uneasy feeling hanging over me and the constant wondering if he'd replied.
It was Xmas eve when they witnessed me begging him to come back and it was a sobering thought to realise they didn't bat an eyelid and yes DD was in the car when I shamelessly went to his house and rang his bell.
I think for their sake I just need to be on my own from here on in, the trouble is the loneliness was making me so depressed I was struggling to cope before. Difference is, they don't get to walk out on me when I screw up.

I agree with Erik. You may have acted unreasonably, but his reaction was way one the top. Splitting up over something so trivial? Madness.

Again?

How long are you going to be on your knees before this person, begging and pleading for crumbs from him?

I really hope this is it for you now. You deserve better.

There is someone out there who will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

It's just that it isn't him

And no amount of humiliating yourself in front of him will change that.

Don't go down the beating yourself up, "I'm a screw up" route. That's unhelpful.

It didn't work out. It happens. Move on. Learn. Don't repeat mistakes in future.

You'll be ok.

Oh I won't be begging him again. I might be desperate not to feel so lonely but I realise now it was less about him and more about not wanting to be alone.

I understand that feeling, I really do.

But I can tell you that it is possible to feel more lonely in a relationship than on your own.

I remember all your threads about this man and the one thing that comes through loud and clear is how alone you are in this 'relationship'.

You can do better.

You need to show your kids that self respect is important. That alone should empower you - seeing you grovel is not acceptable.

Thankyou so much for not telling me I'm a self indulgent idiot. I really am not after sympathy, I'm well aware that a lot of people have much worse things going on, which unfortunately feeds the cycle of guilt and despair.
I just wish I had some friends and could keep busy. I know my DCs keep me busy but I think I need to be a bit more pro active at sorting myself out, instead of sitting on my backside sinking in the depression.

Well I start a degree in a few weeks, that will keep me busy, but unfortunately its distant learning as they didn't do my preferences part time locally.
I need to join skimming world and try harder as the anti depressants side effect was putting on 3 stone in 12 months.
I will get back to my Woollyhugs as I've not picked up my needles for a while and I get a lot of pleasure out of thinking I can help someone somewhere.

Have you looked at the 'local' pages on here / other sites / thought about going to or organising a meetup??

Word of warning though (dons fire proof suit) people you meet won't want to listen to you moan or harp on about your ex / problems ALL of the time. Nice people will listen to a point but won't tolerate it long term.

Gezz I guess u are right, I do seem to moan alot I think its because I wouldn't dream of talking to anyone in RL about it.

Hi flojo am sorry you have had such a crap time of it with your ex. I do hope you find the strength to forget about him and move on. I think it's great you want to keep busy and meet people, whereabouts in the uk are you? Also please don't be too hard on yourself.

I'm in the north west, MN local hasn't got any posts on it. I joined MN FB page but the only meet up so far is on the one day I have plans!
I don't mind travelling to meet people, willing to try anything really.

You could post on the nw board / organise something? :-)

Flojo - Seems like you have enough "inner drama" going on. And unless you deal with this then you can go from place to place, person to person and you will probably find the same thing going on because truth is wherever you go, there you are.

Would you consider seeing a therapist or a counsellor in your area?

flojo - you need to be happy on your own before you're going to have a chance at a relationship with a decent man - otherwise you're forever going to pick duff men.

Please get some counselling to work on your self-esteem before you start a new relationship.

Where would I find a therapist? I asked the gp for a private referral for CBT but he didn't know anywhere.

the babcp website has a list of practitioners for private therapy/CBT, you probably wouldn't need a GP referral if you are going private.

Flojo I live in Liverpool, I have 4 dd ages 14, 8 and 2 and one ds aged 5 months. Maybe could meet up at a play centre or somewhere if you dont live to far away and have a coffee not sure if anyone else is local?

Yes that would be good. Others are meeting at spaceport on the 5th but I'd already got DCs panto tickets for that day.

Cool what panto are you seeing? My dd 8 is going to see Cinderella on the 4th. How old are your dc's?

We are going to Cinderella on the 5th! Just a local am dram but I'm sure it'll be lovely.

Hi Flojo. As LightPassenger said the babcp is a good place to start - www.cbtregisteruk.com/Default.aspx.

Also so keep in mind that these days with things like Skype, your therapist can be anywhere in the world. She/he doesn't need to be down the road from you anymore.

As a favourite author of mine (Maya Angelou) once put it "Nothing works unless you do".

Anti-depressants do serve a purpose but according to research you have a 60% chance of relapsing if treatment is not accompanied by therapy.

Good Luck.

Soila

Thankyou