Evening, tis me, Mouse 
Ma - I love you for shouting at me. I needed that, I'm going to explain things a little bit more. Thank you xx
Hello and welcome to all new and returning Babes xx
LONG POST ALERT, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE
I'm so, so sorry about last night. I was so utterly exhausted. DH has been ill again all over the NY, Nemo too ever since his operation in November, we got stuck at our friend's in North Yorkshire for longer than planned, had no food in, we'd all had no sleep, had no hope left in us really. We were all feeling beyond deflated.
Nemo has had respite, it didn't work out because he refused (I'm talking the MOTHER LOAD of all meltdowns, not just temper but real fear 
) to be left alone with his case worker for ages. She took 6 months to establish a sort of relationship with him and then turned up black and blue one day. He's not stupid. He's a very savvy little boy who can tell when things are wrong.
We didn't see her for a few months. Then she came back and he refused to be with her alone, or even without me, saying he was scared. No amount of reassurance from any source helped. Some of you might remember all of this.
His new worker was the same, which means I DO NOT get a break which is the whole point of respite isn't it? For the main carer to get a break? Regardless of the fact that I'm disabled myself..... 
nothing else is available where we live. So, we've called it a day with the service as they could only provide care adhoc and now he's at school, nothing fitted in really.
He starts back at school with his 1 - 1 on Jan 11th. Yay! I hear you all cry, a break at last for Mouse 
HOWEVER, that means jack shit in the grand scheme of things to start with because as you know from having your own children, leaving them is bad enough, but when YOU have been in the setting with them the whole time, as their carer for the last 2 years, you can see where this is going, right?
It's going to take time for him to let go of me, and if I am honest, me him, I need to know that the level of care will be the same from his 1 - 1 as it has been from me but in all fairness to her, I trust her and think that she will give him 100% of herself and is looking forward to the challenge he will bring.
We've been buddies and pals through so many things, as well as mother and child, it's not going to be easy but I NEED THIS BREAK! Nemo needs this break.
The plan is for me to get him in, settled and then I leave. I'm going to text every half hour to check, or his worker will text me. We're working on 'distraction'. Keep him busy, having fun with her (who he has known since the start) and then call me back if he gets upset and they are aware of the levels of upset he has.
So, it's a matter of days until he goes back to school. How long it takes him to settle without me is another matter. I'm hoping it's days not weeks. Please, Jeff, only days.
Last night I lost it big time with him. He was refusing to put his PJ bottoms on. After hours, days of battling with him, I just lost it.
I screamed at him and walked out of the room. I went upstairs and started to put the mountain of laundry away. I wanted to get in the car and drive until I didn't know where I was. I wanted to go. Forever.
It's been years since I've felt like that. Years. I scared myself at just how fierce I felt and how much I wanted out.
I'm not trying to be a martyr, I don't like to be thought of like that, because that's how I see my own mother, moaning on and on about x,y and z but refusing help that is there (she has MS and various other things wrong with her but smokes like a chimney even though she has been told it's killing her and she MUST stop) and in abundance.
Whereas with me, there is NO HELP, there's just no help out there anymore. He's too old because of the fact he's in preschool. Plus, it's all about the funding and cost cutting. No resources, no help, not when YOU need it. Not when I need it so very much. There's no help for me whilst I care for him either in terms of physical relief...... swimming, gentle gym and tailored core exercises etc
I like the idea of asking his 1-1 about helping out but she runs the before and after school clubs, plus other things at weekends so she'd be pushed but it's a good idea, thank you xx
DH is around at weekends. He's taken the day off work 
because of last night. He finally saw just how close I was to necking a bottle of wine or seven and then some. He saw my face. He felt my pain and has spent the day sharing the care, he took Nemo off to the park for over an hour!
Today we have done everything as a team. It's been so long, 8 weeks maybe since we've spent the whole day together. Even when we were with our friends in North Yorks, DH went out with their children, leaving me with Nemo. No mention of taking him for fresh air even though I'd been saying ALL day that he was going stir crazy. WTAF?
It is a constant battle and one I am not prepared to engage in every day anymore. Toady has been rules and 'if you do this for mummy, I will let you have this in return'.
Boundaries. Firm, solid and enforced. He is back in his own room tonight, after weeks of not being well enough, he is finally well enough to be left through the night (choking on his feed tube increased due to his op and then his mega cold) so I have TOLD DH and he has TOLD Nemo that he is on night shift. If he wants something, he is to shout for DH, not ME!
I know that you are all only trying to help me and care, that melts my heart as non of you 'know me'. I'm just some random poster who carries on a thread that Jesus started 
Thank you all for your kind words. I feel better today, more in control. Although I know I have another small battle to face, I do feel better about the coming days. I just need to reassure him that I am coming back for him once I drop him off!
Now, thank you for reading this if you got this far.....
I love the support that this thread brings to my life xx
(Sorry for typos!!!! I know that there will be some, knowing me! )