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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mosschops needs some advice!

38 replies

christmosschops30 · 26/12/2012 19:26

Many of you will have seen various posts over the years about Dh.
Before I start, I am far from the perfect wife, I am never happy (according to Dh), I am demanding, high maintenance, bitchy and sarcastic.

Ok here goes on some of the current gripes:
We both work full time, I left a job in February, after slipping two discs, I used to work Tuesday days and then a night shift on the weekend so we had no childcare costs. Dh said he would support my new job choice as long as he didn't have any more financial commitments as couldn't afford it.
So I took the new job and currently fork out £700 in childcare per month. We don't have a joint account, he pays for some things and I pay for others. I always make my lunch, he buys lunch every day unless I make for him. This pisses me off because I can't afford to buy lunch daily.

We recently had a big fall out over housework because I was working same as him, plus doing all cooking and cleaning, he is trying a bit on this front tbh

We haven't had sex for a while, last time we did I didn't want it, lay there and let him carry on and then couldn't believe that a man could do that when his other half clearly wasn't enjoying it. I told him weeks later I felt like he'd raped me and he was horrified. This week he said I needed to give him a wank 'because I was his wife' Confused I won't repeat my answer.

There that's enough to start with. I don't hate him, I love him but not in the right way anymore. He has never hit me, he works hard, never cheated, but this just isn't enough anymore.

I don't want anyone else I think I'd just be happier alone

OP posts:
DorsetKnobwithJingleBellsOn · 26/12/2012 19:28

If you think you would be happier alone then you have your answer.

RandomMess · 26/12/2012 19:29

You seem taken for granted and resentful of that. have you told him that?

scottishmummy · 26/12/2012 19:30

you're both stuck,both resentful,so now you have to decide.fix it or split
childcare is a joint expenditure he can't opt out.time to reassess shared finances
tbh reading your posts it's all v dismal,you're children will pick up this.what will you do

chatnickname2013 · 26/12/2012 19:31

there doesn't seem to be any partnership, you just seem grateful that while he is a bit shit to you, he isn't worse! - that's no good! you can't base a relationship on the fact that there are some men out there that are worse!

Original poster
christmosschops30 · 26/12/2012 19:32

If I tell him things he always turns it round and I think 'is it me'?
I'm so scared of hurting the dcs it's not as if they live in a house with domestic abuse or a lot of shouting (mostly by me actually Grin)

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 26/12/2012 19:32

It really bothers me when someone has to mention the fact that their partner hasn't physically abused them as a good point!

It sounds as though you aren't very well suited.

chatnickname2013 · 26/12/2012 19:33

it is hurting the DCs, is this what you want your DCs to settle for? because they will learn to either be like him or like you in their future relationships from watching you two together

Lueji · 26/12/2012 19:34

It feels like you know what you want.
And need, to be happy.

Northernlebkuchen · 26/12/2012 19:36

I think you need to talk to him about seperating. How would he react do you think?

Original poster
christmosschops30 · 26/12/2012 19:36

I know I know, it's awful Hmm I know I need to have a serious talk with him, although I feel more ready now than I was before. I'm hitting that point

No point in discussing joint accounts, he won't consider it, doesn't bother me really but the childcare is a real PITA.
The best thing was when I said 'can't wait for dc3 to start school I'll be rich' he replied 'no we'll be rich' as if I'm gonna give him half the money I've been paying out every month

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 26/12/2012 19:36

your kids will pick up on the arguments,the vibe, the fact you hate their dad
somehow seem grateful for not being beaten?so settle for argument and resentment
so what you going to do enact your marriage across mn?try mediate?see solicitor

chatnickname2013 · 26/12/2012 19:40

I feel for you OP because in a way these are the hardest kinds of break ups - i.e. the ones that aren't triggered by one big event (like the discovery of an affair) and are made up with smaller things that you could put up with for another week... then another week.. and so on - it also makes it harder to explain to other people why you split, and harder to stick to your guns about it

but you know the big picture isn't pretty x

Original poster
christmosschops30 · 26/12/2012 19:42

chatnick that's exactly how it is

OP posts:
Lueji · 26/12/2012 19:42

You should really make sure that he pays at least half of all household costs. Including childcare.
That should not include his lunches.

But it should all be academic as he is a knob.
The sex thing should really be enough.

dequoisagitil · 26/12/2012 19:43

I know it's bad form to bring up other threads, but on your AIBU one, hadn't he bought himself something really expensive recently while you had to buy your own presents (although using his money?) - then he told you about something he'd thought of buying you but then decided it was too expensive?

It's strange for one partner to have access to lots of money, while the other has less. It's strange for you to have to pay all the childcare, while he doesn't contribute to that.

Original poster
christmosschops30 · 26/12/2012 19:43

northern I'm not sure how he'd react and I'm not sure if I can ever get back to what we had before Hmm

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 26/12/2012 19:45

Please believe that tou deserve better than this. "Give me a wank, little wifey" Hmm is unacceptable.

You are not happy and it isn't fair for the children to be living in this atmosphere.

I have always seen you as so strong and it is so sad to see you treated like this.

Shared money when it suits....

scottishmummy · 26/12/2012 19:47

will you acknowledge things awful,suggest divorce or you continue to unravel in front of kids
of ourselves youre scared,i imagine that it's easier to put up with this,than face divorce
on a practical level who would support you if you and he split up?pals?family

Original poster
christmosschops30 · 26/12/2012 19:47

dequois yes that thread led to this one.
In all fairness he didn't have the actual money to buy that lens, he put it on his card. He moaned about it for ages and I said fgs just go and buy the bloody thing.
He is a much higher earner than me, but pays out more, I don't think our disposable income is much different

OP posts:
Original poster
christmosschops30 · 26/12/2012 19:49

What do u mean who would support me?

OP posts:
Original poster
christmosschops30 · 26/12/2012 19:50

justfab Smile you always say that, makes me smile.
In other parts of my life I am very strong, I'm just getting round to this

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 26/12/2012 19:50

You don't have to tell anyone why you are splitting up.

scottishmummy · 26/12/2012 19:52

who will support you it's a straight question,as in emotional,practical support
do you confide in anyone,does anyone know depths of your turmoil
at moment he does stuff with kids if you split up you'll need support

Original poster
christmosschops30 · 26/12/2012 19:56

Well I guess not much would change if I stayed here. The youngest dc would stay with cm, ds1 is in school and clubs, dd is 16 so self sufficient.
He is never home in time to do pick ups and I drop off in the mornings.

I've been offered a job in my hometown, which is where I've always wanted to go back to but he would never move. However it's a 6 hr drive from here and not sure if I could separate the dcs from their dad like that

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 26/12/2012 20:00

I would go. TBH he is the reason you have too so he will have to make the drive to see his kids. It isn't a case of you separating the kids from their dad's. You are getting yourself back and giving your kid's an environment to live in that isn't full of conflict.

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