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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can't I love my children equally?

29 replies

MISSrepresented · 14/04/2006 14:46

I have a DD and a DS. DD is the oldest by two years. When I just had DD I was overwhelmed by the love I felt for her but then DS came along....since then she has always taken second place to him. I love her to bits I really do but I know the love for her is not as strong as it is for DS and it hurts. DP has mentioned that I "favour" DS over her and I know myself that I tend to side with him. She was made to grow up early and I just feel so sad that I do not connect with her in the way that I do with DS.

I just don't think its normal but something which I cannot help, just wish I felt the overwhelming love for her that I do for my son but I just don't

OP posts:

rumtumtigger · 14/04/2006 14:47

Think it is common not to like a child sometimes although you still love them like mad

Original poster

MISSrepresented · 14/04/2006 14:50

I just don't seem to connect with her emotionally, we always argue and she isn't very cuddly whereas DS is always cuddling, she's only 6 though and I sometimes feel she has lost out in some ways, although she knows I love her but I just can't make things right.

OP posts:

rumtumtigger · 14/04/2006 14:57

Often when personalities are similar it is very hard - is it like that for you?

scoobytwo · 14/04/2006 15:02

i have 2 ds& 1 dd,boys are so much more cuddly than girls i find,althoug i love my dd to bits&being the only girls that makes her special,i know its not advice but maybe its beacuse she isnt very cuddly ect just the way girls are i guess

waterfalls · 14/04/2006 15:06

In ten years time, you will probably find that your dd will have no problems cuddling you, and your ds would rather stick needles in his eyes

Original poster

MISSrepresented · 16/04/2006 19:18

Yes Waterfalls, exactly what I am hoping, that we become close as she gets older, thanks for that everyone

OP posts:

Socci · 16/04/2006 19:20

How old are your children?

Socci · 16/04/2006 19:22

I think that as you are aware of your feelings you must try to keep a check on them and not let it affect the way you treat them because if you don't it will affect both of them.

NotAnOtter · 16/04/2006 19:26

i think we all go through phases with our children - my eldest was the apple of my eye and turned into a pita the moment my second was born. He is 14 now and we get on gREAT. Swings and roundabouts - dont worry

Original poster

MISSrepresented · 16/04/2006 20:32

DD is 6 and DS is almost 4. DD is very similar to the way I was as a child maybe thats why we clash but DS is so chilled and laid back. DP finds it harder to relate to DS as he says he's a "mummy's boy" which I find quite endearing.

OP posts:

mistressmiggins · 16/04/2006 20:49

I wonder if its a 1st born girl followed by boy
(hear me out)

I was first born and then had brother 2 yrs later

ALWAYS thought mum favoured my brother but she always maintains she didnt

I have DS & then DD 2 yrs later. DD is definately not as affectionate as DS but she is still the baby so still gets lots of cuddles.

dont be hard on yourself - DD is a daddy's girl so thats great!
One each

Original poster

MISSrepresented · 16/04/2006 21:21

I know I do wish DD had been born second as then I would have "babied" her more, she has had to grow up a lot quicker than DS being the first.

I too was first born and have two younger sisters, my mother favours the youngest the most then middle sis and I unfortunately was always told "you are the oldest and should be more responsible".

OP posts:

Nightynight · 16/04/2006 22:33

missrep, I definitely feel differently about my children. This is partly because they look physically different, and take after different family members, and I have to keep telling myself that its not their fault that they remind me of loathsome forbears.
It may also be because of the different circs surrounding their birth and babyhood. One baby in particular, was looked after from 3 months old, by a family member that I hated. Even at weekends, this horrible woman would insist (backed up by dx) on feeding my child, or pushing them in the pushchair. dx was totally taken in, and thought she was just being nice, actually she was trying to ingratiate herself with him.
When this child was 2,5 years, dx took all the children away, and I have only just got them back (4 years later). So, I never really got to know this baby, and now, s/he is the most emotionally insecure of my children, and I feel guilty, because I know I dont have the same bond with him as with my other 3.
I am trying to rationalise this, and try to see things from my children's point of view. I really dont want to perpetuate favouritism, as my own mother did.

ninaar · 18/04/2006 19:40

i personally think that its just the way we are as mothers. mothers tend to favor their sons. not sure why. my own mom favored my bros tho they were 4 and i was the only girl. i don't think she could help it. i mean i know she loved me, but i always saw how she prefered them or loved them more. i always seemed to know but really sensed it around 11yrs of age. the worst bit is that i loved her to bits and always got angry with my bros on her part tho when i told them off, she would tell me off. maybe that is why i've always hated guys because of how rude and insensitive they can be to their moms. however, i was and still am my daddy's favored. he never hid it, tho my mom tried to hid hers. however, once they all hit teenhood and became moody and distand with my mom, i was her only comfort tho she still clunked onto my youngest bro (i'm the middle child)which pushed him further away and made me more sad (his behaviour, thought i brought him up better than that). but boys will be boys and that means rude. now that i've left home, it seems easier (for me). i grew up much faster than my bros, and i never thought it was a disadvantage. as you mentioned cuddles, i have to say, i didn't get many from my mom, still feel very uncomfortable about it. my lil bros did used to get plenty before they became aloof. i've got 2 dds and i'm not sure i want a boy (know hubby does tho ). i had as a child wished that i never have any boys. sooo basically, yes there is an impact of sorts, but for me, it became only ugly when i had dd1 and was living with her for first year of dd1's life. sorry, didn't mean to write an essay ,especially a rant. i had intended on comforting you, tho i don't think this helps.

RuthT · 18/04/2006 20:43

Oh dear very sad , maybe it has something to do with your relationship with your own parents?

Orinoco · 18/04/2006 21:26

There was a really interesting thread some time ago like this. I'll see it I can find it.....

saadia · 18/04/2006 21:33

Missr, perhaps you just need to have some special one-to-one time with your dd. Spend a day together doing something fun, but just with her. Try to find things to do with her that will make her feel special. Through this kind of process your feelings might change and more importantly if she senses that she is in "second place", this might reverse that and make her feel that she is equal.

saadia · 18/04/2006 21:35

wanted to add that I would definitely not let things continue as they are, if you feel you are not connecting with your dd it is in everyone's interests to do something about it and not just accept this situation.

Orinoco · 18/04/2006 22:00

yey, found \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=85754\that old thread}. It's quite long, but it really helped me.

There's a few others on the same topic but I've not read through these : \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=67&threadid=25554\this one}, \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=67&threadid=45270\this one} and \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=67&threadid=117654}\this one}

hth

runtus · 19/04/2006 13:05

Been reading back over this thread and wasn't going to add anything but I feel I kind of have to. This isn't something I have had personal experience of but I have a close friend that has.

My sister and I have been (and are I guess) friends with this other girl (lets call her A) and her sister (B) since we were about 4 and 5. both perfectly nice kids from a very nice home with educated, middle class parents.

The one problem they had (and it was blatantly obvious even to me as a 4 year old) was that the mum 'got on better' with B than A. She wasn't ever nasty or remotely abusive to A but it was always apparent that she prefered B and personality wise they were more compatible. She even used to joke about it in front of us kids and say things like " well I can't help who I like can I?"

She may not have been able to 'help' it but by being so obvious in her preference for one child as opposed to the other - she created 2 seriously mucked up kids (and now adults). B is the most spoilt, manipulative and selfish person you could ever meet.............all because she has been told and shown throughout her childhood that she is the 'better and nicer' child. A on the other hand has suffered the worst kind of lack of self-confidence imaginable......leading to eating disorders and the inability to trust anyone 100%.

Now, I'm not for a second saying that you and your situation are in the same realm as this but please be aware of what you say and do around your two............even without the hurtful comments and aside's A&B's mum made, deep down they knew it anyway just by the way she was with them. We all did becuase kids pick up on body language and different atmospheres without there being a signpost to lead the way.

Please don't just ignore the situation and hope "we'll get closer as she gets older"......your attitude and treatment of her (and her brother)may already be affecting them long term and the sooner you do something about it, the better off you will all be.

I'm not preaching so please don't take it that way - I just know up close how these things can escalate and the damage they can cause.

scoobytwo · 19/04/2006 13:35

runtus i agree please be carefull what you say/do around you kids,myn always ask if i have a fav&my answer is no i love you all the same&i do,i could never favour one

anniemac · 19/04/2006 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 19/04/2006 14:15

you have to make yourself make more of an effort to connect, like do hair together, colouring, let her stay up later once a week for a treat etc.

fairyjay · 19/04/2006 14:21

I love both of my kids equally - ds (14) and dd (nearly 13), but our relationships are different, and ever changing.

I think as parents we have different relationships with children, mother/son, father/daughter, mother/daughter, father/son - but they are equally precious.

A good friend of mine said once that as she'd become older, her mother had become her best friend, but her father would always be her hero. I can understand that, and relate to it.

And, as I say to my two, I will always love them, but sometimes I don't like them very much!!

Tortington · 19/04/2006 14:31

i didn't like my dd for a long time. and i knew it - i sound just like your post - she was about 6 actually.

she was a horrible baby compared to the boys, she was in scpecial care when she was born, she was the hardest twin, she needed medical attendtion when she came home, she was on a ventolator - she was a PAIN NT HE ARSE and crying all the time, whinge whing fucking whinge.

she was very easily dislikable. this transferred on up until one day i thought - holy shit - i dont like my own daughter.

i made myself make an effort - went to town with her, bought things with her, made cakes with her, brushed hair with her.

wheras - boys go and climb trees and catch frogs and fuck off for hours - she always wanted attention - so everntually i turned it around and gave her positive atention and force myslef to do things which i thought previously would make me puke pink.

anyway, i really like her now. shes great. in fact i cant express how fab and utterly brill she is.

she's 13 and wants fuck all to do with me - and now i hav all the time in the world for her!

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