feeling confused over old loverfriend, what does it all mean? Complicated and long.

[crisisofidentity]

I need some other perspectives on this, I am an introverted person and quite isolated, so I wondered if anyone could help me.

I met this guy when I was 17 or 18, ( nearly 30 years!)he was about 25 and had just finished a long relationship. We had a brief intense episode, he was on his way overseas. Then a long distance fantasy love affair, for 2 years, during which I was seeing people and growing up and he met and began another serious relationship. He came back over here to choose between me and her and decided on her, I don't blame him, but it hurt. He went back and I got over it.

Out of the blue about 8 years later he tracked me down and began again, I was the one for him, he had made a mistake, etc. he was moving back, (nearer, but not to here). I went for it again, a bit more hopeful this time. But after about a year of toing and froing, still not both living in the same country, he still wasn't sure. That was the end for me. Soon after I conceived ds on the big rebound.

We still remained in touch, he visited,I visited with DS,(2) we had a holiday together. Then he suddenly got married, had a child and divorced, all within a couple of years. We weren't in touch much during that time. Afterwards, as dust settled on divorce, he continued to visit us when in town, we had fun together. Well, a few years later one day he completely threw me by AGAIN declaring his undying love, thinking me, DS, him and his DS could be some kind of family and that I could move to be with him. I was in a relationship at this time, but my reason for rejecting him were because I had been messed around by him enough, not because i was committed elsewhere. I was quite clear this time, no Thankyou, we now have a great friendship.

He has never mentioned it again, we have both remained single. i am finally really comfortable in his company.long periods without contact. I last saw him in summer three years ago. Last spoke last christmas, he sent me music, This year, some more CDs and a lovely book. We never do gifts.

I wonder is he still carrying a torch? And not knowing makes me now wary of contact. I did once say to friends; maybe one day when both our kids were grown up.... , but its not a physical attraction. I don't know what it is. A very strong connection.

Ugh, seriously, life's too precious to waste on an idiot like this! I don't know why you bother speaking to him still!

He's taking the piss.

Tell him to jog on, for good.

This isn't some start crossed lovers kept apart by circumstance...he is a player who fancies a shag every so often (when he isn't getting any elsewhere) and you are a gullible and romantic fool to keep falling for it..

I don't know, either. I actually think he is genuine. He has been a good friend as well as an arse at times.

Friends don't fuck with your head

So, this has been going on for 30 years.....

He's a push-you, pull-you kind of guy.

Horrible.

It will always be about him.

He's just using you as "the fall-back girl".

And you are living in a fantasy.

Why don't you tell yourself that this next year 2013 you will not let yourself be "yanked by his chain anymore"....

(Cos it could go on for another 30 unless you put a stop to it).

AnyFucker is right - this guy waltzes back into your life every time he's single & professes undying love, and nothing comes from it.

If you want an occasional friendship fuck, a FwB situation, that's fine. If you want a proper relationship then I'm afraid you're out of luck, sorry!

In the past I was taken in.
But as i said, his last (unaccepted) declaration was at least 8 years ago, we have since strengthened our friendship.

I don't think you understood what I was saying, that I am wary of recent contact because I don't want to jeopardise that friendship by encouraging him, if he's harbouring fantasies.

I have no intention of being yanked by anyone.

Thanks for reading.

Trouble with this is,it's the fallback fantasy when there's nothing else! If it should actually get the light of day, and fail,you would be gutted. Best leave it in fantasy land but recognise that fantasies don't always work out x

Genuine question, what is FwB situation?

Friends With Benefits = FWB

Friends With Benefits- ie a mate that you screw when there's nowt else going. Seldoms works out, as the benefits usually accrue only to the less-invested party. I wouldn't go there.

So now you have described the situation, what are you actually asking about it? Seems like you still have a torch for him rather than the other way around as, lets face it, if you were over it, you would not care what he thought and would not feel a need to post about it. You perhaps should work on why you are the type of person who will hang onto such crumbs all these years rather than realizing your worth. This says as much about where you have been at in a dysfunctional way, most would of binned any thoughts about him years ago. Not meaning to be harsh, but there we are.

Thanks buffing, I wouldn't go there either.

I don't know if you will get that balanced a set of views on mumsnet, but you will certainly get to the point ones! Mumsnet is I think quite intolerant of anything approaching "alternative lifestyles", and this can mean for some anyone who doesn't want to get married and play happy families for ever more. Any man who doesn't want to do this is labelled a "player". So while I think its right that you be cautioned about expecting a big romance and happy ever ending with this man, I wouldn't write him off as someone you necessarily need ignore for fear of being messed with or led down the garden path.

He sounds as if he can't settle with any one person. This doesn't make him the fount of all evil, and it doesn't mean he may not change one day - plenty of examples of this happening. Mind you, I consider Charles and Camilla a great romance of the modern era.

At the moment, you both appear to be single, and you both like each other. Its your choice how you view things - the fact that you are still fond of each other and have a close friendship after so many years and things happening is positive I think. Or you could of course view the fact that you are not settled down together unhappily together, as a failure. What I'm saying is that relationships do not have to be viewed in such black and white terms, that every relationship which does not lead to marriage and children is not a failed relationship, and that not everyone wants the same thing (but that doesn't mean they are a bad person). And if you are going to judge this man, judge him on his behaviour towards you, how he treats you, if he lets you down, if he lies, not on some strict criteria of how men should lead their lives. I take it he has not left a host of fatherless children around or something?

Personally, I think its quite romantic.

You don't actually see each other year in, year out. So it's partly fantasy on both your sides. He could be married again or in a relationship without you knowing.

I don't think you should let him occupy too much of your head-space. If you can be friends without you spending loads of time thinking about his motivations and your own, then great - if you spend long periods of time questioning it all and ascribing motives & over-thinking it, then you're doing yourself a disservice. You could be spending all that emotional energy on something real.

Maybe he's 'safe' in a 'devil you know' kind of way - you don't have to step out of your comfort zone.

It's immediately apparent that his torch is not an eternal flame went out years ago and all you've been to him is a fall back position for when he's between shags grand passions.

What does it all mean? Other than to demonstrate that teen romances rarely lasts the distance, probably not a lot in the grand scheme of things.

Ditch the rosy longings glasses and look forward instead of backwards, honey - he's not worth the angst and angst is all you'll get from him.

It isn't anything to do with mumsnet being against alternative lifestyles with their hive mind wtf?

It is to do with a person exploiting another person who wants a kind of relationship with them they themselves don't want for their own personal gain. He wouldn't necessarily be an idiot if he hasn't been pretending they were star crossed lovers for years rather than telling the truth; that she's his backup shag... For all we know she'd have been happy and comfortable with this truth but he has taken away her right to choose by feeding her bullshit.

Op- I don't think you need to worry about him carrying a torch...

I don't find it romantic in the slightest. I suspect he was the op's first love and he knows it. He is not such a great friend with the limited contact you describe.
If you told him 8 years ago that it was over why is it still in your head?

I think you need to cut ties completely in order to move on. He doesn't sound like a particularly bad person but he does/has/will mess you about. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants.

Whatever his reasons are the 'friendship' is not a healthy one. It's time to accept that this relationship does neither of you any favours. IME when a man is in love he acts on it, words are easy but if he had truly loved you at the points he declared it then you would have been together then.

Well said, Offred.

Can I just say I have an EX whom I did not see for 18 years with whom I have one daughter, anyway he comes back into Our lives as daughter wanting to know who her father is quite rightly,. STORY - of 2 years ago - He wants to leave the wife he married when we split 18 years ago, and wanted to pursue ME!, it was an almighty shock and I did not encourage HIM in anyway ,He then realises I am in a relationship and quite happy so backs off thankfully I found it very hard to cope with, he then has an affair with some random person he met on his travels as he works abroad. Finally he finishes that goes back to his wife , anyway he still send emails to me from abroad but mainly to do with our daughter, I am in no way interested in having a relationship with him, he hurt us big time, BUT keep it light for the sake of my daughter who is delighted to have him in her life for the first time. Guess what I am trying to tell you is , it is hard to stop caring about someone when you have been married and have a child to them, but it is also in my part a relief that we can communicate as friends and nothing more and never will be , life is too short I think , I do hope you can work this out , nothing is ever black or white with exs I am afraid , be careful as it does seem he is messing with your head and also carrying a torch for you. You have the ball in your court and YOU have to decide what is best for you.

Thanks for all the responses. I am a bit surprised that several responses refer to fucks, friendship fucks, and fallback shagging. I don't know where you get the idea, maybe that is something for you to reflect on. I think you may have read between the lines and found man+woman=sex.

When I use the word friendship,I do that because it is the appropriate word to describe our relationship. We are not lovers, other halves, partners or man and wife, or even casual uncommitted sexual partners. As friends, we enjoy spending time together when commitments allow it, we offer support to each other if we have problems. You know, like friends do.

I don't know if what those posters understand 'friendship' to mean is something different.

But I do want to thank everyone for responding. One poster asked what I was asking for, and I don't think I was asking for someone to tell me to "leave the bastard" or forget him, or for a definitive course of action. I am secure enough to know who my friends are. I have however found the exercise most useful as it has allowed me to reflect on how I have behaved in the past, and see a different interpretation, not to necessarily agree with it, but to look around it.

That has been the purpose of the sounding board, to get feedback, which I can draw on.

"We had a brief intense episode"
"Out of the blue about 8 years later he tracked me down and began again"
"we had a holiday together"
"but my reason for rejecting him were because I had been messed around by him enough, not because i was committed elsewhere"

All these statements from your OP suggest that there was a physical relationship on a number of different occasions, and/or at least the desire for one on others. That's leaving out the 2 years you were having "a long distance fantasy love affair" while you were dating other guys (still classes as being unfaithful even if you weren't physically). So I think it's pretty reasonable of us to assume that you were having sex off & on over the years!

You may not currently be lovers, not having seen each other for 3 years, but you have that past history as allergic says - and said you were worried about him carrying a torch.

So yeah, that implies he's thinking about you in sexual terms, even if you're not - and that you thought it was an issue.

So that would be why you got the responses you did.

I should also point out that I don't automatically assume man+woman=sex, I have male friends with who neither of us have any desire for the other, we are just mates.

I've also had an off/on relationship that lasted many years with lots of similarities to yours - phases of being a couple, phases of being lovers, phases of being exceptionally good platonic friends, a few times when we didn't see each other in any way for a while. That guy is probably my best friend outside of my family now with absolutely no suggestion of any physical relationship (bar platonic cuddles, same as I do with my brother & close female friends). I was the one who carried a torch for him for a while, but realised eventually that we were so close as friends that my brain was getting the love I felt for him as a friend confused with a different kind of love.

You are comfortable with each other, you know each other & there's a sort of safety in that, so in the deep dark recesses of both your minds maybe you're falling back on each other when another relationship goes sour?

I didn't say you were having sex with him, I said he saw you as his back up shag...

You have talked about fantasy love affairs etc but now are back pedalling to friends, be honest, if he was, in your mind, just a friend why would you be posting. I don't think he has ever "carried a torch" for you, you have been someone he gets on with who he thinks will do when other people are not around or have gotten boring.