Dating in Middle Age

[blu39]

Hi All

I've just joined but I so need help and advice! I've just turned 47 and I joined a dating site where I meet a really nice man aged 50. We had 5 dates, not many I know, but I think I fell in love but didn't tell him that of course.

I dumped him on Saturday by text. I'm now crying my eyes out because I did really like him and I know he liked me. On the second date he told me he was smitten and on the third he said he'd fallen for me. Okay, he was not my usual type, I prefer tall, dark and handsome. He was balding, slim build but I thought he was good looking and cute and had a funny personality.

This is gonna be a long post I know!! Anyway I dumped him because I began to realise that although he did care for me, he just didn't show it. On the phone or in a text message, he would be open and tell me how much he missed me when we were apart, but in person he was not cold, but reserved and never showed me any affection ie he held my hand constantly but did not so much as kiss me or hug me. Now I'm a tactile girl, I want that sort of attention, not all the time but sometimes. It was always me kissing him at the beginning and end of our dates. I did say to him that he was a different person in his texts and he agreed with me.
Another thing I began to resent was that he never once gave me flowers or chocolates or any other type of gift at all. He never took me to a resturant only to pubs for meals. We never went anywhere else. I began to resent that. And the ball breaker for me was the fact that he could spend money on a woman with 5 kids with different partners, but not me. I know I'm a nice, decent girl with a lot to offer and I told him in my text why I was dumping him. I said I wanted a loving, warm and open man not a cold fish like him and why was I not good enough to take to a resturant or spend money on?

The one thing I did find really odd was that he never told me where he lived or invite me to his home. Now I know most people would assume he's married and I did, and I asked him because he wanted to take me out to the countryside in his car and see what happens. You can guess what that was! I did say yes and I won't lie and say I didn't like the day, because I loved his company and liked him but he suggested a hotel, which again is what married men do but he is not married and I no that because he has that crusty, fussy way about him that lifelong bachelors have when they've never been married.
So me being hurt and angry that he hadn't texted me on Friday night like he usually did, and telling me earlier that he was in his local Indian having a meal, I exploded when he sent me his usual morning text. I sent him a text telling him exactly what I've said here.

Do I regret it? Yes I do! But was I right, well I think I was but maybe not by text message. Yeh, that was rude and hurtful and now I cry constantly. But was he right for me? He texted me back on Saturday saying that there were a lot of issues and that he was sorry he was none of these things that I wanted! I asked him why did he not show me he cared and why was I not worth fighting for if he cared about me that much. He had told me in one of our calls that I made him feel wanted because I constantly told him how much I liked him.
My question is Did I do the right thing? I miss him so much and wish now I had told him how I felt to his face. I know he still likes me because he has been checking my profile online since Saturday. I did a stupid thing and sent a text on Sunday telling him that I had loved him and he had broken my heart!! That was stupid I know!! He has since sent me a text back on Christmas eve telling me to have a nice xmas and he's sorry things didn't work out for us, not between us but for us. Now I'm confused!! Do I respond to this text or not. Why would someone whose been dumped wish you a happy xmas or am I reading this the wrong way? Is he glad its over or is he trying to get a response out of me? Do I reply to this or do I ignore it and move on even though my heart is breaking?

I really need some advice on this one because I am not great at understanding what men mean or want!!

Sorry for the long typo!! Please help me, I really need it!!

Merry Christmas everyone!!

blu39

Why are you texting all the time fgs. You expect a present in 5 dates ? But you still shag him despite it being wrong ?

You're a bit nuts

I seriously advise that you get someone to talk to via comselling or something similar. That was exhausting to read, god knows what it was like to live through. Sounds like you are investing a huge amount in not very much - I find it very unlikely you could fall in love after five dates and the rest of it makes you sound like a teenager with very little emotional intelligence.

Whas wrong with just meeting people, keep it light, if you both click that is great, if you don't, move on. If you can't do that, I think you need to sort out in your own head why not beforeyou put yourself through this again.

Blu maybe you could re-post this on the dating thread (title to do with bacon sarnies) where there are lots of daters, middle aged and otherwise, who have very sane and sound advice to offer? It can feel a but cliquey but it's not - just say hello and jump in.

Blu maybe you could re-post this on the dating thread (title to do with bacon sarnies) where there are lots of daters, middle aged and otherwise, who have very sane and sound advice to offer. It can feel a but cliquey but it's not - just say hello and jump in.

Um, are you really 47? You're writing as though you are a teenager. Please try to apply your life experience to this one!

"he is not married and I no that because he has that crusty, fussy way about him that lifelong bachelors have when they've never been married."

Rubbish, there are plenty of men his age with that "crusty, fussy way" who have been married 30 years. And where on earth does the "woman with 5 kids with different partners" fit into this? Do you live in a sitcom?

OP, I hate to say this, but you come across as being absolutely barmy! You've had five dates with a man, slept with him, dumped him and sent him a text saying you love him? Think about it!

I'm afraid you sound seriously like hard work. I wouldn't want to be your boyfriend. I think you really need to take a chill-pill

Sorry, just read that back and it sounds harsh - I've had too much Christmas booze. Tis true though.

@ flumperoo. In vino veritas and all that!

You sound intense and toxic.

He got off lightly.

sorry I agree with the others, you sound like a nutter, very childish and a bit unhinged to be honest..

sorry and happy Christmas anyway

OP dont beat yourself up on him i would have done the same thing , actually i did do the same thing guy liked me so he said no compliments when we went out no flowers or chocolate but he used to brag how and when he took his other ex girlfriend on a retreat after a few weeks of dating and the orgling at other women on our dates was the final straw , basically its better to get out of it now than in the long run trust your insticts because if you had stayed with him you would never meet Mr Right.

Okay, he was not my usual type, I prefer tall, dark and handsome. He was balding, slim build but I thought he was good looking and cute and had a funny personality.

This always amuses me, because unless you've stepped right out of vogue, you can forget any ideals you had about men when you were 20. The vast majority of middle aged men your age have spread a bit, and lost a bit of thatch.

Aw jeez, honey. Where to start?

I know I'm a nice, decent girl with a lot to offer What you have to offer may be debatable but what is irrefutable is that you are not a nice decent 'girl' - you're a fully grown middle aged woman.

he wanted to take me out to the countryside in his car and see what happens and he suggested a hotel Did he suggest checking into a room for the night or for an hour? Women such as yourself who expect new beaus to shower them with gifts are best advised to refrain from opening their legs in a layby act with decorum.

For future reference, if you're gagging for a good seeing to fuck you can at least bash their plastic on room service and other goodies that a fancy hotel has to offer.

I asked him why did he not show me he cared and why was I not worth fighting for if he cared about me that much Why should he fight for you? Is your name Juliet?

I did a stupid thing and sent a text on Sunday telling him that I had loved him and he had broken my heart! Yep. That sure was a stupid thing to do. Have you learned any lesson from it?

He has since sent me a text back on Christmas eve telling me to have a nice xmas and he's sorry things didn't work out for us... Do I respond to this text or not The answer to your question is a resoundng NOT.

He's given you the bum's rush and he's rushing for the hills breathing a sigh of relief that he didn't give you his address or any means by which you can boil his dc's bunny tell his dw/dp/gf what he gets up to on t'internet in his spare time.

I would wish you 'better luck next time' but, on your current form, it appears the opposite sex is more likely to need luck than you.

FTR, 47 going on 17 is not a good look. Now go join the dating thread as previously advised by WesternWind and learn how to suss out and avoid the married legover merchants, fakers, chancers, losers, and assorted other tossers that abound on online dating sites.

As someone else said, you sound so old-fashioned. I don't know anyone who would talk or act like you in the 21st century. I am 'dating' and I am two years older than you. Why were you getting heavy with the poor guy after only 5 dates? Getting angry because he didn't text at a particular time? You seem to have an unusual perspective on life/relationships.

In future only text what you would actually say on the phone.

In fact, try to text less & speak more.

Find out about a man before you sleep with him or 'fall in love'.

Don't be too judgemental on looks - it really is personality that counts - & also it's not about what he pays for!

5 dates? Really? This is either a joke or you have some serious issues.

Married or not that bloke had a lucky escape!

You have been on 5 dates with this bloke. Say each one was 4 hours then you have spent less than a day of actual time in his company.

Flowers or presents while nice to be expecting them already is a little demanding.

So you have shagged a guy from an online dating site. What do you really know about his sexual past? Please say you were very careful or consider a trip to an still clinic.

It is very easy for people to say or seem nice by text they don't have to show it. It is very easy for them to say they are smitten to get someone in the sack. He could have been doing exactly the same to half a dozen other women.

Try not to dump all your eggs in one basket straight away to protect yourself.

STI clinic damned phone

I actually thought this was a spoof post. And then I re-read the title and thought "Dating in the Middle Ages" was more appropriate. But I have encountered the somewhat precious, attention-seeking type of middle-aged woman in real life. But really OP, use of "gonna" and lots of exclamation marks at 47? Time to grow up just a little?

5 dates in and you should just be getting to know each other. You appear to move "relationships" on at warp speed. I think this man is probably now thinking hes had a lucky escape. He actually sounds quite polite and decent about it too.

You, OP, sound out of balance and demonstrate quite off-putting behaviour to potential partners. Basically you need to chill, relax and stop pressurising men.

• You describe yourself as a "girl" when you are a 47 year old woman. Cringe-making.
• You judge men on physical appearance, which in middle age, is unrealistic. Even if you are a supermodel yourself, look at the men supermodels your age are dating.
• You judge men by how much money they spend on you. For the life of me, I cannot see what is wrong with being bought pub meals - pub meals are great fun, and I'd be offering to pay my share.
• Who on earth is this woman with multiple children by multiple fathers and how do you know about her?
• Who on earth expects chocolates and flowers on every date? How precious are you?
• And constant pdas - the man holds your hand, for god's sake. Who wants to go around snogging and feeling each other up in public like teenagers - ugh!
• Don't shag men so soon if you want to be treated like someone special. You don't even sound as though you really fancied this man so much.

I expect he didn't give you his home address or invite you to his home because he suspected you were a bit of a nutter, fancied you enough to shag you and is now relieved you've done him the job of dumping you. He may be keeping in touch with you because he thinks he might get another shag, but I doubt he'll ever be the man you want since you actually seem to be looking for the Disney version of Prince Charming

Pretty much par for the course for internet dating from both of you I would say.

blu39, please come back and talk to us! You've obviously had a bit of a bashing, hopefully you have been able to use this to as least be able to reflect on the situation and learn something from it? Otherwise, at least come and set us straight!

looks like OP has run for the hills to get away from the flames

Either that or she's running for the hills in pursuit of the object of her obsession, SirSugar [fgrin