Dating in Middle Age

[blu39]

Hi All

I've just joined but I so need help and advice! I've just turned 47 and I joined a dating site where I meet a really nice man aged 50. We had 5 dates, not many I know, but I think I fell in love but didn't tell him that of course.

I dumped him on Saturday by text. I'm now crying my eyes out because I did really like him and I know he liked me. On the second date he told me he was smitten and on the third he said he'd fallen for me. Okay, he was not my usual type, I prefer tall, dark and handsome. He was balding, slim build but I thought he was good looking and cute and had a funny personality.

This is gonna be a long post I know!! Anyway I dumped him because I began to realise that although he did care for me, he just didn't show it. On the phone or in a text message, he would be open and tell me how much he missed me when we were apart, but in person he was not cold, but reserved and never showed me any affection ie he held my hand constantly but did not so much as kiss me or hug me. Now I'm a tactile girl, I want that sort of attention, not all the time but sometimes. It was always me kissing him at the beginning and end of our dates. I did say to him that he was a different person in his texts and he agreed with me.
Another thing I began to resent was that he never once gave me flowers or chocolates or any other type of gift at all. He never took me to a resturant only to pubs for meals. We never went anywhere else. I began to resent that. And the ball breaker for me was the fact that he could spend money on a woman with 5 kids with different partners, but not me. I know I'm a nice, decent girl with a lot to offer and I told him in my text why I was dumping him. I said I wanted a loving, warm and open man not a cold fish like him and why was I not good enough to take to a resturant or spend money on?

The one thing I did find really odd was that he never told me where he lived or invite me to his home. Now I know most people would assume he's married and I did, and I asked him because he wanted to take me out to the countryside in his car and see what happens. You can guess what that was! I did say yes and I won't lie and say I didn't like the day, because I loved his company and liked him but he suggested a hotel, which again is what married men do but he is not married and I no that because he has that crusty, fussy way about him that lifelong bachelors have when they've never been married.
So me being hurt and angry that he hadn't texted me on Friday night like he usually did, and telling me earlier that he was in his local Indian having a meal, I exploded when he sent me his usual morning text. I sent him a text telling him exactly what I've said here.

Do I regret it? Yes I do! But was I right, well I think I was but maybe not by text message. Yeh, that was rude and hurtful and now I cry constantly. But was he right for me? He texted me back on Saturday saying that there were a lot of issues and that he was sorry he was none of these things that I wanted! I asked him why did he not show me he cared and why was I not worth fighting for if he cared about me that much. He had told me in one of our calls that I made him feel wanted because I constantly told him how much I liked him.
My question is Did I do the right thing? I miss him so much and wish now I had told him how I felt to his face. I know he still likes me because he has been checking my profile online since Saturday. I did a stupid thing and sent a text on Sunday telling him that I had loved him and he had broken my heart!! That was stupid I know!! He has since sent me a text back on Christmas eve telling me to have a nice xmas and he's sorry things didn't work out for us, not between us but for us. Now I'm confused!! Do I respond to this text or not. Why would someone whose been dumped wish you a happy xmas or am I reading this the wrong way? Is he glad its over or is he trying to get a response out of me? Do I reply to this or do I ignore it and move on even though my heart is breaking?

I really need some advice on this one because I am not great at understanding what men mean or want!!

Sorry for the long typo!! Please help me, I really need it!!

Merry Christmas everyone!!

blu39

I assumed this was a joke.

I honestly cannot believe any woman, of whatever age, would behave quite like this.

Sadly, I don't think it is a joke.

Yes, thank you all for your rather nasty and cruel comments! Nice to know the Christmas spirit is alive and well on here.

Yes, I did learn an awful lot from all of them. Yes, I now realise that it was totally my fault and that even though he did all the running, I didn't, I know that I am not a nutter, just very trusting and probably gullible as well. I also realise that it was wrong to behave like a screaming toddler by throwing my toys out of the pram and having a hissy fit!!

I have done the right thing and sent him a message apologising for my awful behavior and hope that at least he will accept my apology. I did not judge his appearance at all, in fact I found him good looking and funny and he told me the same thing. But anyway, I've realised that yes, I need to chill, not to be so intense and hopefully we may at least become friends because I realise now, that I was stupid and immature and that I could have potentially lost a great friend in the making.

Thank You All

I think he's quite alright with being dumped by you, OP. You sound a little bit as if you have some sort of calculator in your head, working out the net cost of things. A pub or restaurant meal - what's the difference?

Obviously you didn't feel that he was right for you. It doesn't sound as if he minds that much either. He wished you a happy Christmas, that's a decent response. I'd leave him be now.

Hope you find what you're looking for in your next relationship.

If you don't have girlfriends to tell it to you straight, honey, how are you going to get it from the horse's mouth?

Unfortunately, you're not getting the message. He's gone with the wind and the only way you're going to 'become friends' is in your head.

You also haven't taken on board the strong possibility that you have been setting your cap at a man who is either married or in a committed relationship with an ow as there's no other reason why a guy won't reveal where he lives either from the off or, at the very least, after a couple of dates.

Op, wish you well but pls be more realistic to reduce future hurt. You so remind me of a friend of mine who is on an endless chase to meet the right guy who ticks every box, shes 49 and feels no need to
Compromise and keeps getting disappointed. tiresome and embarrassing at times exhausting to keep up with her.

I omitted to say well done for coming back but surely you're too long in the tooth to make like you wouldn't be astonished at the way you've carried on if you'd read about someone else behaving as you've done.

Stick around - you can learn a lot from the collective wisdom of this board and you'll also come to understand that any plain speaking is rarely done with malice and, on those few occasions it occurs, plain speakng applies to ops and responders alike.

The world tends to laugh at those who make tits of themselves and, for this reason, you're best advised not to take yourself too seriously and have a good snigger at your own expense when you screw up. In your case I feel that a little bit more self-deprecating than self-righteous wouldn't go amiss.

What you've regaled us with is a tale to dine out on and I daresay you'll achieve 15 minutes of fame a certain anonymous immortality at assorted dining tables up and down the land. Why not get in first?

op ive changed my mind i think this guy has had a lucky escape because you asked for peoples opinions when you got it you turned nasty if thats how you are going to treat all men you cross your path hush reality is you will be a lonely old fool forever im afraid

I don't think op got nasty, I think she was brave to come back. It is hard dating past 40 and. Can understand how the pressure can get to you. Just kee it light and enjoy the ride as much as you can.

To be fair, i'm 36 & find dating hard now... in fact i always found it hard - dating was more difficult for me in my 20s actually.

But i'm opposite to Blu39 & tend to act too casual because i have some trust & committment issues.

Internet dating can be successful if you approach it with caution & a sense of fun; i've known women aged 25 - 50 who've got married as a result, but who've had plenty of bad experiences internet dating too.

Old fashioned dating agencies (eg. group dinner dating) can be successful for older women - a friend's (attractive, divorced) Dad in his 50s met & married a widow of the same age through a dinner dating agency.

I see lots of divorced or single lonely 40s - 60s men at my gym, at the supermarket, at cafes, the pub (sports bar) etc etc... go to those places & get chatting to the workers who may know some of the regulars.

My best mate found she was the youngest at an art class recently - lots of the others were middle aged men & women.
Definitely try classes like languages, practical courses, art & photography or computing.
Also try volunteer groups & sports clubs to meet middle aged men.

Most of all relax, chill out, be a friendly but not too intense person.

You will meet a man but try having fun too!

Holy Moly!!!!
I am now totally exhausted after reading all this and just wonder what ALL of you were doing being as you replied on Christmas Day/Boxing Day - duh!
We all make mistakes and all get tempted to do stupid things and hey that's life none of us are perfect.
Love to all,
Auntie Claire xxx