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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Christmas ruined

51 replies

cheshirescarf · 25/12/2012 11:02

A long story short husband as been on a management to USA a few weeks ago, after returning has become quieter and this morning 7.30 am got up, went to pc and I went down stairs and asked basically what's going on, he's ten blurted not sure what he wants etc , about our love , we have 2 gorgeous dd of 15 and 12 , he wants me to wait till tomorrow to talk to kids , he's admitted that he has made friends with a woman if course but nothing has happened but was on pc this morning to her.
I am just devastated, I knew that of late things have been up and down but we've been together 20 years.
What shod I do? I'm so hurt.

OP posts:
SDTGisAChristmassyWolefGenius · 25/12/2012 11:06

I don't want this to go unanswered. I don't have any advice to offer, other than to suggest not making decisions in the heat of the moment, but just wanted to offer an unmumsnetty hug. Xxx

pootlebug · 25/12/2012 11:09

What SDT said.... I don't really know what to say except to offer an un-mumsnet-y hug. That's a heck of a thing to get your head around on any day, never mind on Christmas day Sad

issey6cats · 25/12/2012 11:12

another hug here just take one day at a time get through today x

Floralnomad · 25/12/2012 11:14

Fancy picking Christmas Day to bring it up . No advice I'm afraid but please remember what is always said on here that they never really admit everything at the start so he may well have gone further with this woman than he is admitting to.

EssexEmmaB · 25/12/2012 11:42

Hello, I've never posted before but couldn't believe this whn I read it. I don't have any real advice to give but can I just say what an absolute twat!!!! How uncomfortable can he make you? It's Christmas day. I can imagine you are trying to hold everything together for your girls and that's clearly something he hasn't thought about. I am sending a big hug your way xx

nkf · 25/12/2012 11:48

Hold it together for a few more days. Of course, he's having an affair/fling. What do you want to do? Try to get in touch with that. He's not the only person allowed to have an opinion.

Take some power back. Tell him you're busy right now with Christmas stuff and you'll get back to him when you're ready to let him know your decision. Oh, and can he get off the pc and peel some carrots?

zeeboo · 25/12/2012 11:49

Yeah, what NKF said!! Bloody barstard.

crisisofidentity · 25/12/2012 11:53

Am sending you a big hug OP, I can't imagine what this feels like but keep strong for your girls. Have you got people coming today? That can help you get through the day. I'm so sorry your christmas is now wrecked thanks to him. I think when people do this kind of thing n a big day it's a kind of manipulation, so you can't really respond without upsetting everyone (which of course he has done).

scaevola · 25/12/2012 11:54

Oh, this is dreadful.

Be prepared to discover that this is an affair, and that it might have been going on for some time if she's a colleague here; rather than an extreme guilt-provoking moment of madness with a US-based woman.

Can you get through the day in the limbo of not knowing? If he's wanting to tell the DC, does this mean he's thinking of leaving? This is a truly dreadful way to start trickling out the story, and Christmas or no Christmas, I'd want to know now. There is something to be said for 'walking the walk' in terms of timing a separation in order to give DCs one last united Christmas. But that's only workable if you know you can be civilised, and that's an utterly misplaced expectation for the crisis of discovery.

Lipstickandlashes · 25/12/2012 11:54

Another occasional poster here - so, so sorry you're going through this, especially on a day like today.

My first reaction would be to make him leave immediately but I know you'll be thinking of your DDs and won't want to disrupt Christmas for them.

So instead, I would take this opportunity to gather as much evidence of what he's been up to as you possibly can while he's in the house and distracted. Check emails, messages etc, get copies/screen grabs and also get as much financial info on his/joint accounts as possible. I know it's brutally difficult but (as is so often the case on these threads) he's probably much closer to this "friend" than he's admitted and you need to make sure you and your DDs are in as strong a position as possible.

And secondly, is there a friend/parent/sibling you can confide in in real life? Don't worry about it being Christmas, I'm sure they'd want to help and this is so much to cope with by yourself.

Big hugs - I'm sure some of the regular posters will be along soon with their normal excellent advice.

nkf · 25/12/2012 11:56

Did he say what he is intending to tell the kids tomorrow? Or are you supposed to do that for him?

gettingeasier · 25/12/2012 12:23

My Christmas was a variation on this theme 3 years ago I am so sorry its truly truly heart breaking

I guess you will have to wait and see if you can hang on and just ghost walk through today

As you have posted on this forum you must be prepared to hear the things already said. One can never believe ones own DH is turning out like all the weak, lying, deceitful pricks that have gone before but sadly I think he will fall into this category if hes pulling a stunt like this today.

Original poster
cheshirescarf · 25/12/2012 12:40

I think there may e something going on, all his emails are on work pc but will try and crack it.
He's a prick, I don't think he knows himself what he wants, trying to hold it together, not sure what I want either.

OP posts:
NeverMindOhWell · 25/12/2012 12:42

Try to get through the Christmas period. I know it's hard. Is there anyone you could visit for a few days with DC's? Perhaps use the excuse that Dad has to stay behind for work? I would kick him out ASAP after Christmas, even just temporarily. It's impossible to make a potentially life changing decision whilst the cause of your turmoil is still living under the same roof. You don't "need" him. You deserve better. Don't give him the luxury of lounging about your family home waiting to make his mind up in your future. ((Hug))

Original poster
cheshirescarf · 25/12/2012 15:06

Thank you all. I appreciate all your hugs, it's my beautiful girls I worry about, he has phoned has brother to tell him and gone for a run.
He will not show me emails on work pc, speaks volumes.
I plan to go to my mums tomorrow for a couple of days, think I'm just numb, throwing 20 years away...I actually think he s not sure himself, very sad.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 25/12/2012 15:19

cheshirescarf its too early to give advice about your girls but I will say I was worried to within an inch of my life about how my then 10 and 13 year olds would cope. I heard people say to me how children are resilient , how they would be fine and it was like white noise to me I couldnt accept it.

They have been absolutely fine , barely a wobble, try hard not to worry. There will be lots of advice on here about how to make it easier for them and when you are ready I will add mine

Keep strong x

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 25/12/2012 15:23

bloody hell- what a nightmare Sad My heart goes out to you.

I've no great words of wisdom, but I'm sure some of the lovely posters on here who have been through similar will. I can offer un-MN hugs, though. Wish you could come round to mine with your girls- I've coked too much as usual!! Then he could sit with a cheese sarnie on his own- what an arse.

Chottie · 25/12/2012 15:25

Just sending you a hug. xxx

Ruprekt · 25/12/2012 15:26

Goodness! His timing is shocking!

Why could he not have spoken to you about this a few days ago?

What is happening now?

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 25/12/2012 15:30

Obviously I've cooked too much- not high on drugs, I promise Xmas Blush

AutumnGlory · 25/12/2012 15:33

You are starting a new life from 2013 OP, how exciting!!!

Lipstickandlashes · 25/12/2012 15:37

It sounds like a classic mid life crisis, with all the accompanying self indulgent, twuntish behaviour. I'm so desperately sorry for you and your girls Sad

His failure to show you the emails is very telling. But he also seems very anxious to escalate this as soon as possible (telling his brother etc) - I wonder if his "friend" is putting pressure on him? Whatever the reason, his timing shows how utterly selfish he is.

The most important thing at the moment though is to look after yourself and your DDs as you're in shock. Try and eat a little. Lean on your mum and tell him to give you space to think (it's the least he can do). If you want that to be in your own home, that's fine - he'll have to leave. And do gather whatever ammunition evidence you can; even if you can't find evidence of an affair, as much concrete data about his financial situation as possible will in very useful.

Very soon that numb feeling will be replaced by anger. Use it. You sound like a lovely person and I'm very sorry this has happened to you. xx

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas · 25/12/2012 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelPup · 25/12/2012 16:30

I am so sorry to read your post. That is an awful thing to happen. As another poster has said, don't make any hasty decisions right now. Wait. Chances are he will not know what he wants right now. Difficult for you to bear. Been there. Try to keep calm. The more hysterical things become, the more he will want to be elsewhere.

Say very little, find things to do with your time, spend time with your children / friends / family. Be as calm and rational as you can be in front of him. He has shattered your world. Try to take some control back as you would a car that is spinning out of control on the road. It is awful when you feel you are at the end of someone else's choices and decisions and you have little control over the situation. Think about going to Relate, just for yourself and by yourself, so you have someone to confide in about the way you feel.

My heart broke when it happened to me. Utter devastation. However, things did change and I did recover eventually.

Look after yourself.

Badvocsanta · 25/12/2012 16:36

I'm so sorry op x

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