Christmas ruined

[cheshirescarf]

A long story short husband as been on a management to USA a few weeks ago, after returning has become quieter and this morning 7.30 am got up, went to pc and I went down stairs and asked basically what's going on, he's ten blurted not sure what he wants etc , about our love , we have 2 gorgeous dd of 15 and 12 , he wants me to wait till tomorrow to talk to kids , he's admitted that he has made friends with a woman if course but nothing has happened but was on pc this morning to her.
I am just devastated, I knew that of late things have been up and down but we've been together 20 years.
What shod I do? I'm so hurt.

Hello OP am very sorry that the thrill of the new sometimes displaces the familiar. It sounds a hell of a time to break this news. Is he prone to wearing his heart on his sleeve and making snap decisions or is he normally quite steady and the last person on earth to do this kind of thing?

For now, perhaps establish breathing space. You don''t need to beg or cajole. He has to want to stay not be kept under duress. Maybe he's already planning to spend time with his brother. If he goes make sure you have access to money, you don't know what's going to happen yet but you need to keep you and your girls fed and secure.

One day at a time, keep the domestic and rourine running, it can seem futile and pointless and is of course what your husband wants to escape, but it's like being bereaved, the regularity keeps you functioning.

If he has in mind some big announcement, please remind him how he phrases this will stick in the girls' minds forever... Agree with him beforehand how he'll explain what is happening now and how his love for DDs cannot alter or lessen. I am not saying make it easy for him, just think of your DDs. They'll want reassurance and you don't deserve to be cast in the role of mean Mum who chucked poor Dad out.

Don't feel embarrassed or awkward asking your closest friend or trusted relative for support. Why should he have back up and you go without just to keep up appearances?

The selfish fucker - there's never a good time to tell someone a relationships' over - but today of all days... self centered, egotistical twat. Christmas day is not about yourself, but others.

He wants you to talk to the kids - and then what, you go with your devastated children to your mother's and deal with the fallout. Out of sight, out of mind!

What do you want - go to your mum's now if it's easier. Want some time on your own to talk/bawl your eyes out - take it. 'D'H gets to run the family ship until you feel up to it. I'm not suggesting abandoning your girls to H, they won't necessarily want to be around him - just don't feel like you have to be the strong one and sort everything out.

What a way to build those Christmas memories for your girls. I'm spitting feathers for you Cheshire.

What an idot. He will live to regret this but right now, op, just keep your girls close and remember how special you are to them. I would be tempted to hide the computer whilst he's out so that he can't email right under your nose. If my dh did that I think I'd throw it out the window!!

Also, I would refuse to talk to him about this until after Christmas. Tell him to make himself scarce until he hears from your solicitor.

Agree with Farrah above. I'm spitting feathers for you too.

Think carefully about what YOU need right now and do exactly what YOU want. Surround yourself with people who care about you and let them look after you.

I always said I wouldn't insult people I don't know on the internet but Farrah's opening sentence summarises my thoughts entirely.

He clearly doesn't know what he wants. Otherwise he would have gone by now.

Too bloody soon for big announcements to your DDs. Big announcements come when he is definitely leaving, not before. Why should they be on the end of his indecision / mid-life crisis?

He is making me so mad and he's not even my DH!

Please take your time making decisions...I made some crap decisions when I found myself in a similar situation because I felt under so much pressure to do something, anything...! However tempting a knee-jerk response is, take your time...think things through carefully and try not to be drawn in to his turbulence. Keep a clear head.

Hug for you Cheshire.

He has spoken to dd s and his family in Scotland , they are shattered and have spoken to me. I do believe its a mid life crisis , 45, gone gym mad, mentioned laser treatment for spider veins.....I'm pretty calm, emailed him a short note saying how betrayed I felt after 20 years together and I suspected more than freindship had been going on, I told him no one is the person they are 20 years on, but believed he was the man I would grow old with etc and hoped it was all worth it. My family know they are also shocked , he was mr dependable, that's a joke isn't it.
Staying strong for my girls, if its beyond salvation he doesn't deserve me, I'm not perfect but neither apparently is he the shithouse.
He will have to go after new year and has a ski trip booked with hs mates jan 7 th , I cannot bare to look at him.....

What is it with these American colleagues? My story is practically identical. My heart goes out to you, it hurts like hell. Don't blame the woman though, blame him. Also don't for one second believe it is just friendship. My DH tried that one too - get yourself tested for STIs. Look on it as a practical step.

Also, make him leave now, not after New year. It is the ONLY way to get him to make a decision. I speak from experience - these men will not commit either way until someone makes them. They like having it all - the comforts of home, and a mistress abroad to visit. If it is any consolation he will have told her as many lies as he has told you, and is probably using her.

I agree. Make him leave now. He doesn't deserve any of you.

Why today, of all days, would he tell the children. That is beyond disgraceful. It's as if he wants to make this day all about him. Well, tell him to sod off and get yourself a good solicitor.

By bf is in fact a solicitor and her dh but didn't want to burden them tray.
He has now spoke to me after the note I wrote him via email ( here s note)

this is harder for me than you think it is, you have broken my heart, i cannot even look at you but even sadder than that our beautiful daughters hearts. For which I may never forgive you.
I agree we are not the people we were 20 years ago, no one is.
We all change , despite this I still loved you. I appreciated your hard work to provide for us but I too , gave up a lot for our family.
I know we have had our ups and downs , all couples do but thought you were the person I would grow old with and enjoy our grandchildren, where did that man go, who I respected, trusted and loved?
The girls not only are losing their family but are also worrying about houses, remaining at school, it is bloody destroying me.
You have become secretive, hiding away , with your phone and pc, regretfully you have not even tried to communicate your thoughts or feelings to me but chose a stranger who has obviously provided you with a hassle free shoulder to cry on, said lots of nice words and I suspect much more, either way its a betrayal.
I'm not sure what you want, I don't think you do but you are losing more than you will ever gain.
You are selfish beyond reason and I hope it was all worth

He is wondering if see fucked it up?? Swears whole heartedly it was just a shoulder to cry on as per my note, WTF Shall I do, going to mums fr few days,
Fucking bastard

He's a royal twat.

No advice but imo he's had his head well and truly turned by this woman, try and get hold of emails etc as other posters have said. Unbelievably selfish man.

I agree , he's been swayed by flattery, we all like to be flattered, I'd throttle her but if I see emails it will destroy me.
We always said we would have enough respect to say we're in trouble , the love changes over time but can you ever rebuild trust and respect, plus am I going to be in same position in a year from now?my head hurts its beyond thinking. Thank you ladies, I'll call it a night and catch up tomorrow.

Right now you cannot trust anything he says. He is not your friend right now. He is not your H any more. He is selfish beyond belief.

He is a man who is happy to shit on you and his DDs from a massive height on Christmas day and to announce it to all and sundry. He has left completely mentally already.

Get him out of the house asap. If he is wondering if he has made a mistake he can do that away from all the creature comforts of the house and you cooking and cleaning for him.

You can't trust or rely on him.

Maybe he hasn't done anything physical. You cannot trust that so get yourself off to an STI clinic as soon as you can for your own peace of mind.

Get to the CAB and a solicitor to find out where you stand financially & legally. knowledge is power and strength.

If he decides he has made a mistake make him work very hard to prove he is serious and really meants it before letting him back into your and your DDs lives and the house as a member of the family.

Good luck, you will get through this /hugs

You can rebuild trust but it takes a very long time and commitment to the cause from both of you. As a minimum he has to cut contact. All contact. On your part you have to, once you decide that is the path you are going, not throw it back at him each time you are pissed off with him.

It is really early days for you. Best of luck and much love which ever way you (and he) decide to go.

Agree with Anifrangapani. You can rebuild a relationship if you want to but it takes time and commitment from you both. And it isn't easy.

Don't get drawn into his chaos. He is in a mess. Stand back and think about what YOU want. The OW could have been a shoulder to cry on as he says. Men are easily taken in by a few kind words and someone taking an interest in them.

The world and his aunt will have an opinion on what you should do. Use the next few days / weeks to think about what YOU want. Don't make any rash decisions. Think things through carefully and seek advice if you need it.

Be dignified...don't give him ammunition to justify his behaviour to himself. Think very carefully before snooping through his phone or emails...it is very addictive and all-consuming. It can be very damaging and unhealthy for you. You sound very level-headed so keep that intact as far as possible. It will stand you in good stead.

Glad you have a few days' away...a bit of space will be a good thing. Take care.

He was crying on her shoulder? Like fuck he was. He was after another part of her anatomy entirely.

But, in the event he indulged in a sob fest, what did the poor diddums have to cry about? Was he weeping over his spider veins? Did he show her his and she showed him hers?

Of course you can't bear to look at him. Adulterous twunts are rarely a pretty sight.

A few days away will be good for you and you dds and they'll be even more beneficial if you make it clear to him that you want him gone by the time you get back. If nothing else, that will give him something to cry into his beer over.

As some of the most honourable folk I know were born illegitimate I can't agree he's a fucking bastard, honey, but I can wholeheartedly endorse the fact that he's a fucking despicable scumbag who isn't fit to lick your boots.

Morning cheshire I expect you will have woken up with the most gut wrenching pain but I hope you are ok.

Only you know what you want to happen next and there are many things to consider including how happy you were in your marriage. You said in one post you didnt know what you wanted either or was that just in the context of whats happened ?

Hugs x

Sorry this has happened to you but, rather than trying to crack e-mails or whatever, take control and set the pace now. Rather than waiting for him to set his own timetable and keep you dangling, you have to exert some authority - Christmas or no Christmas. Your DDs will benefit, I'm sure, if they see their Mum taking charge.

He is wondering if see fucked it up?? Swears whole heartedly it was just a shoulder to cry on as per my note, WTF

So, he's having second thoughts after "not knowing if he loved you" and telling your children on Christmas day, as well as his family?
And ruining Christmas for everyone?

He should be out of the door asap.
What a bastard.

What about: you're not the man I thought I married nor one I can stay married to?

Agree with other posters, it's time to take control and get yourself in the driving seat. He will blame you for this, so first thing is don't accept that, don't apologise or explain yourself, it is not your fault.

Make him leave, take steps to be independent, and let him see what he is losing: a strong independent wife who isn't crying after him and hanging on to his boot straps, and his beautiful children. I'm not saying LTB, I'm saying take charge of your future, and take the control out of his hands.

I'm still with my DH btw, we made it through and are a much much stronger unit. I started out heart broken and pleaded with him to start with as well, and all it did was push him down the road towards moving OW to UK. We only made progress when I walked out and got on with my own life and effectively took his choices away.

Good luck, remember your life may be better without him, so you don't have to take him back. From now on make this about what YOU want.

Good morning. I hope you are got some sleep.

Just a thought - while you are away, he can spend all his time angsting with the OW about what he has to do/can't resist or whatever bollocks passes for his thoughts at the moment.

Please can you use the time to get in touch with what you want. I know I've said it before but it took me ages to do that and that was damaging. I was so caught up in what he was thinking/feeling/doing that I couldn't think straight. And it increased and prolonged the agony.

Good luck.

Sorry Cheshirescarf but I think he has made his mind up already .. He is selfish beyond belief and is too wrapped up in himself to care about you or your children .. I would not wait around for him to decide whether he loves you or not or which relationship suits him better you deserve so much more it will be heartbreaking for you to end this but at least you will have your dignity intact .. Hope you find the strength to do what's right for you (xxxxxxx)

I took day out to wrap my head around what I can, have gone to my mums for a few days.
Think I am still numb to think, waiting for anger to kick in.
I'm not sure what to do but dont want to be rush into it, he works away, which gives me a few weeks.
I will be back in a few days, thanks for sharing and caring .

You have had such wonderful advice here cheshirescarf.

Just know that whatever happens, you will be fine.

Yes you will.

You will get it sorted.

You and the children are what's important.

He clearly doesn't care for either. :(