I'm ruining Christmas and need support & or a kick up the arse to pull it back

[itsallinmyhead]

Long, looooooong story.

DS 1 is 19 days old. I've only been out of hospital 10 days, as I had complications with the birth and the epidural, which lead to my being extremely poorly and spinal fluid leaking. I'm still somewhat in shock/ recovery and struggling to get over that.

DD is 14 and this is the first year in a lot of years that i've had her wonderful company at Christmas. (she normally spends it with her dad).

Due to complicated birth/ shock of becoming poorly/ still recovering and general trying to find my feet again with a new baby, I've been dreading Christmas. My DP's DM and DB arrived to our very small home last night.

My Dsis, her DH & their 2DC were originally supposed to come tomorrow too but dsis thankfully sensed it was all too much and made alternative plans.

DS is now poorly with a cold (DP is taking him to gp as I type, so fingers crossed it's only a cold) I was up all last night with him and am worried sick (and even more exhausted).

I don't have a great r.ship with dmil and all of the above is impacting on my mood to the point that I feel like I must be ruining Christmas for everyone.

This was supposed to be a special year but I'm finding myself in my bedroom with bub, trying to comfort him and catch up with some sleep & to a degree, avoiding being around the others in the hope my flat mood can be side swerved by them, especially MIL, because despite the fact I can't help how I feel towards her, I hate that I feel like this and don't want to upset her.

I'm sorry that I'm waffling. Help! I need support/ coping strategies and probably a massive kick up the arse.

That's one hell of a tiny baby to be hosting Christmas with. I hope the arrangement does not involve you cooking or cleaning?

What you need is some sleep. I will not be kicking your arse.

Good grief! No arse kicking from here either. Poorly, sleep deprived and with a newborn. No wonder you're struggling.

You're not ruining xmas. Anyone with half a brain should be able to see its a difficult time for you. I hope they pitch in and make it a good christmas for YOU.

You are not ruining anything. You are still recovering from what sounds like a difficult birth, and dealing with a poorly newborn. For goodness sake give yourself a break woman!

I think you need to focus on yourself and the little one, and let everyone else deal with sorting out Christmas! Your DD is quite old enough to understand and help out.

If they have any sense, they should be waiting on you hand and foot - ds is 5 weeks today and all i have to do is get to family, they don't expect anything more (and wouldn't be upset if i weren't up to it) and that's after an uncomplicated birth etc!

If they don't even have that much sense, your dp needs to knock it into them. Put Mil in charge of cooking, bil in charge of washing up and dd can sit on the bed with you and wrap presents. Dp can clean and bring you tea and mince pies as required.

You are not wrecking Christmas, they are interrupting your precious bonding time!

Sorry luv, no butt kicking flaming or anything else either. I doubt it's as ad to others as u feel. Nobody either expects u to b life n soul of party.

Give urself a break. And a few hrs quiet time.

Your DP needs to be managing his family - your priority is your ds, your own recovery, and making sure your dd feels included. After such a traumatic birth you must take it easy on yourself.

Thanks all, I think a kick up the arse would have been better, your support has reduced me to tears.

DP is cooking but nobody is cleaning and the front room looks like a laptop graveyard.

There is no festive cheer in this home & I'm fully aware it's my mood dictating that and that really upsets me but I don't even have the energy to pretend.

It doesn't help that I keep fantasising that it's just myself, DP and DC for Christmas. wish I could nip the wishful thinking in the bud.

Agree with everyone - yor baby is not even 3 weeks! You have adults round and your DD is old enough to help so everyone can cook and tidy and make t lovely around you.

Sounds ever so slightly like I'm suffering PND now I've read that back.

I think you should just take yourself and the baby off to bed and hold court there. They can sort out everything else.

Don't you dare get off that couch, if mil doesn't like it she can leave. I'd try be pleasant but surely no one can expect much more from you at the moment with a new baby and having been sick yourself.
Make a bed on the couch get out the chocolates and snuggle in your newborn.

Nobody should have any expectations of you, and don't be worrying about what the front room looks like!

Please don't think anyone will think you're 'spoiling' Christmas, you have your lovely DD, a new DS, and a DH who's doing the cooking.

No pretending, just do what you feel you want to, and let other people fit in around you. Anyone who thought anything of that will have to deal with it themselves.

Hope your little DS feels better soon, and you take it easy on yourself

Why on earth are they all coming to you? I can't believe your dh didn't think you'd need a quiet relaxing time after what you've been through!

The cleaning can wait, if your PILS have any sense of decency I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you asked them to clean up...

Stay in bed. Focus on the baby. Issue specific complicated and capricious requests for food and drink to be brought to you.

Can you snuggle with your eldest for something like outnumbered tonight, few treats even in bed, just some time with her?
Take care of yourself, you have been through a lot in a shore space of time, maybe even planning something in new year with eldest? Indoor snow place or cinema trip? Is she managing ok with new arrival and you being so ill?

I can't believe your MIL and BIL actually came to stay - at Christmas - while you've got a 19 day old baby?!

The only way I'd go and stay with someone under those circumstances would be if I insisted that I would do EVERYTHING including shopping, cooking, cleaning, and the mum and new baby were to lie around all day together and not lift a finger.

Lock yourself in your room tonight with the baby and your DD, stick a DVD on, snuggle up with snacks, relax and try and enjoy it and not worry about what your visitors are thinking/doing.

I don't think you should worry about PND for the time being. You are stressed and tired. 19 days after my very straightforward birth with DS I was good for absolutely nothing - there is no way on God's green earth I could have had people I don't like over for Christmas! You are being very very hard on yourself. You need to tell your DP that he has to clean the house pronto, plus I'm sure your daughter would be happy to pitch in. You need to rest, or you will end up ill and what for? Christmas is just another day, it doesn't have to be stressful, it should be fun and relaxing. Take it easy!

I think you and your dp need to be honest with his mum and tell her how unwell you are still feeling and that you are both disappointed it isn't being the wonderful Christmas you had planned. Hopefully she will be understanding and not take offence at you spending large amounts of time recovering in bed.

I genuinely thought I was being dense, expecting DP and his family to not expect Christmas here and although I should have said something, I believed I was maybe selfish in my not wanting any visitors over Christmas.

I'm beyond caring if she's offended, I don't have the energy and that is why I'm taking to my bedroom. Harsh, maybe but honest.

Thanks so much for all the support!

Aww just read this post and really feel for you. Who on earth in their right mind would go to someone's house with a newborn baby for Christmas?? My DS was born in Dec and I could just about make it out the house to my MILs by 4pm on xmas day coz I was so stressed!

Lets focus on all the positives. . It's pouring with rain outside and you're (hopefully) snuggled up inside on Xmas eve with not just your newborn but your DD too! I echo what someone else said, I'd get the Xmas DVDs on, the wine and chocolate out and just focus on how lucky you are to be surrounded by your babies and DP, let MIL and BIL look after themselves. Stop worrying about everyone else after all they weren't overly worried about you when they decided to descend upon you with a newborn baby.

I'm sure when your tucking into your turkey tomorrow things won't seem as bad. . In the meantime enjoy your precious baby's first xmas and your daughter being with you. Merry Xmas xxx

You do what feels right for you and your baby. My DB and SIL have a newborn and I feel guilty at visiting them for a whole hour as I don't want to stress then out!

Your MIL will be fine - let them get in with it!

I almost chocked on the wine reading your last post! well , i chocked but recovered.

Does he know your observations on the subject?!

Oh dear. Wrong thread. Stupid app.