I want to wash that man right out of my hair- tips please!

[Squeegle]

I have been occasionally seeing a bloke from work for the past few months.

That sounds like a long time, but in fact, the occasions have been few and far between. He has kids, I have kids, mine are with me virtually 100%, so I need to plan my nights out.

In this time we have been out precisely 4 times, although there has been a lot of talking on the phone, texting, lunches at work etc.

Nevertheless, I am highly frustrated, and wish to stop my obsession with this man. He can easily go for a week without contacting me, and I feel like I am spending my life in an agony of waiting.

I don't think he's playing me- it is more like he is an absent minded professor who focuses on one thing at a time. He has had some quite significant financial issues to sort out, and during this time I just had the occasional text apologising for him having so much on. When I have been with him he is kind, courteous, funny and good to me. But I can easily have a nice chat one day which feels like we're close, and then I won't hear from him for several days.

What made it worse was that I slept with him for the first time before all the financial stuff kicked off. He has apologised for not being in touch, I find it hard to deal with as my natural tendency is to share stuff when I'm in trouble. His doesn't seem to be the same.

My mind tells me that a) he's not that keen, and b) I would like to be neutral and just see what happens. I'm in no rush- just got out of abusive and difficult relationship, 2,kids, full time job etcetc

The problem is emotionally I just want to be loved! I think about him ALL the time, and I really don't want to. I want to just take it as it comes.

He's gone off with his kids on hols for Xmas, and rang me to say happy Xmas and see you next year.

So PLEASE, I need to stop him taking up all this space in my mind. I want to not think about him any more, and just enjoy Xmas- give me your tips please!

This all sounds very casual and easy going for him and the opposite for you... so.. you would like more but it would appear that he is happy with how things are at the moment.

It's OK to want more. I'd use this as your starting point and decide how you want to play this one out. You could..

a. see how things go for a few more months. It has been a relatively short time and you're just casually dating right now. Back down a little, up other areas of your social life/or just keep busy and see what happens

b. talk to him about how you feel - you'd like to put things on a more official footing and become boyfriend/girlfriend... see what he says

c. bin him off.

Which option are you most drawn to?

Yeah, I think you're right, for him I am just one of the things in his life. I do get the impression he likes me- but is certainly not thinking of me all the time!

Option a is the right one I think, but I suppose my question is how in earth do I get to that same nice casual place in my mind that he is. I want to achieve that nirvana!

Oh it's really difficult and if you work it out do let me know!

I'd suggest the upping of other stuff in your life. So... a new hobby, a boxset you could get engrossed in, a dating website, setting yourself a few goals you'd like to achieve. ANYTHING to give you something else to do.

Right now it would look very odd for you to bring up you and him being a 'couple' due to how it's panned out so far and the length of time involved.

Agree.

And if the situation was reversed I would feel rather claustrophobic if he said something similar (very unlikely, and maybe that's why I'm so keen!)
I appreciate your words, I am going to work hard to be busy.

I think that's the answer ( rather than foolish Brady Bunchesque fantasies. Enjoyable though they are)

You're very normal in what you're feeling, trust me on this. And you need to take great care if you have had an abusive relationship in the past. They make you question yourself, they make you have dodgy boundaries and they also make it difficult to decipher whether you're accepting a situation that maybe you shouldn't be.

Give it a few more months. Enjoy his company. And then push him on what his expectations are. There is nothing wrong with wanting more, like I said

Wise words
Especially re doubting myself, boundaries and all that. My ex used to say things to me like no one else will want you, and you should be flattered u want to have sex with you! In fact when I eventually got him to leave, I firmly believed I would never have sex again!

And so, this is all slightly unexpected, and although fab in some ways, it has made me start doubting myself all over again

Hmm have just lost a post! Bah!

But in essence: I disagree, what you are experiencing is how he is. You are allowed to want more. Be honest with him about what you need from a relationship. You are not two weeks in, it's been months.

You are allowed to want proper love. He sounds distracted and casual and comfortable with seeing you every now and then.

If you want more I suggest you talk to him very honestly and then move on if he sighs ruefully and gently tells you to back off.

If you wish to forget him have you tried the 'No Contact'. This worked for me in a relationship type thing with a man this year, this was much the same, texting constantly then never,I do not like chasing men so I just stopped contacting him then ignored him. I also wanted to be loved tbh!

I thought I loved him...

4 weeks later I was over him!

He still contact me and he bores me now tbh!

I suppose I feel that going "no contact" is a bit extreme.
What I would really like is a way of self disciplining myself so that I didn't care so much.
After all, in truth, I hardly know him. He seems lovely, but yes overly casual with the way he keeps in touch/ or doesnt.

And as far as my head goes, the last thing I want is a (complex) relationship. What I want is a dependable friend.

And suddenly I'm on tenterhooks, and all that stuff...

How do you literally get someone out of your head?

If I am honest, I seen a picture of my love in a wetsuit, never felt the same after seeing that!

Maybe date someone else?

Maybe imagine him on the toilet with diarrhoea ????

Dating someone else?
Well that would be a pleasure, but guess what I don't have a queue of suitors?!?

To get someone out of your head you have to be honest with yourself.

He doesn't sound that bothered. You deserve better. Accept you are going to feel like crap and think about him obsessively until you're over him.

If you take a clear stance and enlist your friends to remind you and keep you occupied, it might not take too long.

Hmmm yes I know that feeling I am just thinking back tbh! I think I must have looked okay for a month or so as I was asked out on a few dates, went on them, seen the wet suit picture first!

Tbh I spoke to a few lovely ladies on here who were going through the same thing and we made a deal, not to be used etc and I stuck to it, I wonder if they did?

Oh god, I feel like I want to take a magic potion . Why oh why is it always so bloody difficult? It would be nice if things could just be straightforward for once.

Do you mind if I ask how long you have been out of the abusive difficult relationship?

Well, he moved out in may. In all kind of ways I feel like it has been longer, he originally moved out last october- and I have been detaching for years.

But one thing I know about myself is that I am a people pleaser. Always wanting approval....

I am in a similar situation and I have been asking myself the same thing. I agree being busy helps, as does focusing on that thing about making me the person that makes me happy.

Its annoying
Could do with hypnosis
My head knows what is right
My heart just doesn't stop obsessing even though I know it's unhealthy!

You sound like me Squeegle!

I stopped dating, I fall in love easily (well feels like love) and crave love and attention and approval, so just now my only option is to stop dating so no more feelings get hurt. I may attempt it again next year! which is next week.... further into next year!

Yes, I think one of the reasons I think about him so obsessively is that I am not over stimulated (ooh err), in other areas of my life. Basically, I go to work (which I quite like), come home, look after the needs of the DCs (10 and 8), and get to bed early!!

I need stretching! I still expect a knight on a white charger to come along and sort out all my problems.

I am 47 now. Maybe I need to realise it's all down to me? But I would love some advice on tangible ways to stop this obsessive thinking pattern. Any ideas anyone?

I think you need to fill your head with other things. Some ideas...

1. Have a day where you pamper yourself. Lovely bath, face pack, foot cream, do your nails. Things like that!
2. Buy a couple of magazines and read them cover to cover - better still get a really good book. I am just about to start Shantaram!
3. If you have a garden - get out into it and clean in for winter. Ditto a room in the house that needs cleaning out. At least you will also accomplish something!
4. Write lovely Xmas thank you note to your friends. Really nice well thought out ones

Just concentrate on you and what you are doing. If he contacts you you can contact back but very easy breezy. How happy you are.

Don't waste your life thinking about someone who is lukewarm.

Oh another one. Sit down with one of your dcs and understand really what they got for Xmas - read with them or play with them. I am consciously doing puzzles and playing games with my dcs during this holidays - it is so easy to waste the days away. Or cook something with them. They will love it!

Thanks for the ideas. They are good ones. Agree he is obviously lukewarm/ friends with benefits type mentality.
One more thought:
Has anyone got any experience of mbti type analysis?
He is an INTJ
Notoriously hard to read type (introvert and intuitive)
I wonder if that explains how he is. I know that I shouldn't waste my time, but just a thought.

In the meantime have signed up to a Pilates class in jan ( well its a start!)